Killua discovered - very quickly, he might add - that he was completely unaware of the true definition of the word: awkward.
Because nothing, NOTHING, was more awkward than sharing a meal with a Demon, a Five Star Bitch, the love of your life, and the arch nemesis of the love of your life… who had licked your dick once.
The ship chugged along, doing a fantastic job of traveling far past its designed maximum distance. Sure, it would lose an alarming creak of rumble ever so often, but Ryder was there to prevent any explosions with his handy wrench. Apparently, when it came to highly complex technology, beating it over the head with a wrench a few times always did the trick.
Oh, how Killua wished that all of his life problems could be solved with a wrench and some elbow grease.
But no.
He was stuck here, sandwiched between Gon and a Demon. Sitting across from Ryder and Ging Freecss. More specifically, they were sitting on the couches around the in table. Pariston was at the head, at Killua's left. Ging was across from Killua, and on Pariston's right. Gon was next to Killua, at his right hand. And Ryder was across from Gon. Trapped between two spectacular Freecss specimens. One who wanted to murder him, and one who wanted to exchange casual conversation.
"So, which planet is your alien side from?" Ging asked around a mouthful of microwave roast beef and mushy potatoes.
Ryder gulped down his mouthful of Terran Elf blood (Cryptids - Bat Cryptids, in Ryder's case - were a carnivorous species), and then leaned sideways against the table to face Ging. If Ging was disturbed by Ryder, Killua, AND Pariston drinking the blood of his species like fine wine over dinner, then he didn't show it.
"So, part of me is Fallaian," Ryder answered. "That's where I get the luminous eyes and luscious locks." He flicked his eyes at Gon, and winked. The horned male growled, a low rumble in his throat. Squeezing his fork so hard that it bent.
Killua sighed through his nose, pushing the bland peas around his plate. Yes, if he could beat Gon and Ryder over the head with a wrench to make them get along then he would. In a heartbeat. But Gon had already had enough brain damage for one… lifetime.
"My tail comes from Brandesq, and my lovely skin comes from Verranae!"
"Ah," Ging nodded along. "So you've got three different alien species, on top of Cryptid blood. What's your percentage?"
"25% Verranaean, 10% Brandesq, 60% Fallaian, and 5% Bat Cryptid."
"Nice," the older male said. "So you really don't have that much Overworld in ya."
"Yup!" Ryder chirped. "Though I am Overworld born and raised!"
"It's always so interesting," Pariston purred, "Hearing about the blood percentages of hybrids, I mean. Both Alien blood and Cryptid blood are easily overwritten. Studying the way weaker gene pools mix with each other allows us a window to the true power lying underneath… when it's not concealed by overpowering blood types like Valkyrie or higher ranked Elven."
"Yeah," Ryder sighed, leaning back against the couch and propping his boots up on the table. He watched Gon glower at him. The younger hybrid had grown up with none other than Mito Freecss, who was a strict enforcer of table manners. Maybe Gon wasn't the neatest eater, but he was a true stickler to, say, keeping your damn battle-bloodied boots off the fucking table.
"I've always had a passion for the finer aspects of genealogy, ya know?" the purple skinned menace sighed, shooting Pariston a lopsided grin.
"Is that why you jump on anything you lay your eyes on?" Gon retorted. "Interested to see how many times you have to try before your blood finally ends up on top?"
Ryder's eyebrow twitched.
Gon was really pushing it with the insults to his blood…
"For your information, I don't do pussy! There will be NO procreation from MY seed! And who said I was a top?" He winked at Gon. Again.
Ging's mouth turned downwards, and Killua pinched the bridge of his nose. Gon stabbed his fork into his roast beef, aggressively cutting it while staring daggers across the table at Ryder. The Alien-Cryptid just grinned.
"If we're talking about our sex lives–"
"-No–" Killua attempted to interrupt.
"-Then why don't we talk about yours, hm?" Ryder taunted Gon.
"I think I'll pass," Gon ground out.
Pariston became the humanoid embodiment of "sips tea" (only with blood, of course).
Ryder pouted, then turned on Ging, who just about choked on his mashed potatoes. "Uh, no," he sputtered, eyes shooting to Pariston, and then quickly away. The Demon snickered into his hand.
"He's slept around quite a bit–"
"-Pariston!" Ging gasped, slamming his fork onto the table.
"I suppose it runs in the family," Ryder mused, green eyes twinkling in Gon's direction.
"The hell are you trying to say, fuckface?" Gon growled.
"Gon," Killua murmured, nudging the hybrid's knee with his own. Gon didn't notice, he was honed in on the enemy. The Valkyrie choked back a grumble, tail winding and unwinding around the leg of the couch.
"Nothing at all!" Ryder chirped, the picture of false innocence. He took his feet down off the table, and leaned across it, waving his fork in the air as he spoke. "It's just that you assumed that I'm a slut based on no evidence whatsoever, I was just returning the favor. Why, you have something to hide?"
Amber eyes flashed. Gon leaned across the table, himself and Ryder getting so close that the flow of their eyes reflected off the other's face.
"Shut the fuck up, assclown," Gon growled. "I know a fucking whore when I see one."
Ging snorted, the average expletive enjoyer. Pariston was feeding more off the chaos in the air than his food at this point. Killua nudged Gon again, trying and failing to get him to just cool off and ignore Ryder.
"Oh?" Ryder purred, "And where'd you get that sense? It is sort of a sixth sense, you know? Being able to tell who's good in bed? You pick it up once you have enough… experience in the field, I'll put it that way." He reached over to boop Gon on the nose.
The hybrid barked a snarl, slapping that purple hand away.
Killua frowned, bracing to jump across the table and stop (another) fight.
"What's your body count?" Ryder asked, a grin creeping onto his face.
"I've probably killed around 400 people," Gon growled. "I'm more than willing to add you to that list."
"Not that body count, silly!" Ryder fake giggled. "I'm at 47… and a half." He winked at Killua, who prickled, face flushing.
"What?" Gon snapped, turning rigid.
"What do you mean?" Green eyes blinked innocently.
Killua sensed a spike in Gon's aura, that familiar shiver running up his spine as Gon activated his biochemical.
Dammit.
"Gon," he tried again, reaching over to rest his hand on the tan male's shoulder. "Ignore him."
"Yeah, Gonny Boy," Ryder snickered, "Ignore me–"
"Ryder!" Killua hissed. "Quit being a dick!"
"Anything for you, bae~"
Another growl rose in Gon's throat, and Killua had to use a hint of his Valkyrie power to keep him in his seat.
Killua released Gon's shoulder, but rested his hand over the hybrid's knee under the table.
Gon, the touch said, He's just trying to get a rise out of you.
The spiky haired male blinked.
Well it's working.
A flick of Killua's ear.
Don't give him what he wants. He's just being a dick.
Gon mixed the watery gravy into his mashed potatoes.
But he said–
Killua slipped his tail around Gon's ankle.
Don't worry about him.
The Valkyrie scooted a little closer to Gon. Not noticeable to the others at the table, but just close enough that their legs just barely brushed where they sat.
You have nothing to worry about, Killua communicated to Gon, moving his tail up to wrap it loosely around Gon's waist. He twisted it about, the barb flicking back and forth against Gon's hip bone.
The hint of a blush dusted Gon's ears, just barely visible against his dark skin.
Killua's stomach flipped, remembering where they'd been before the pirates had attacked.
Gon calmed down, and he didn't move away. Actually, he inched closer and closer. Just barely, not enough to notice. Their elbows would brush as they lifted their forks, when Gon turned to face Killua as he spoke his breath would tickle the Valkyrie's cheek.
So close, yet so far. Killua's heart raced in his chest.
Ryder grinned, reaching over to the pitcher of blood as he listened to Ging prattle on about some strange mission or other. He refilled Killua's glass, and topped off his own. Green eyes sparkled suggestively, one ear just barely flicked.
Killua barely managed to suppress his grin.
Yes. He was doing it, and it was working. Ryder knew Killua was pushing against the boundaries with Gon again, and he was all for it. Sure, he was giving Gon hell, but that didn't change the fact that he was Killua's newest wingman.
Having Ryder on his side was so reassuring. Hell, just having him as a friend served to warm Killua's chest. Ryder liked Killua, but he knew that Killua was in love with Gon. And he respected that. He wouldn't start anything… at least… not anything too serious, it seemed.
Trying to start fights over dinner was clearly still on the table, much to Killua's exasperation.
…
Slap, Gon's hand shot forward, depositing his final card into the pile on the right.
"Yes!" he cheered, shooting to his feet and dancing about the living area like a maniac. "I won! I won! I love this game!"
Killua shook his head, tail twitching behind him in displeasure as he gathered the cards and began to reshuffle them. "Oh, shut up! I was right behind you! I only had two cards left!"
"Maybe, but you still LOST!" Gon exclaimed, skipping in circles around Killua and their little playing area in the middle of the floor.
The Valkyrie and the horned hybrid had been playing cards together for an entire hour, ever since dinner had ended. Ging and Pariston had gone to bed early, tired after all the madness that constantly occurred whenever Gon and Ryder were within 10 feet of one another. The Alien-Hybrid in question had been banished to the cockpit until Gon was in bed, that way Ging and Pariston could "sleep in peace."
"You ever heard of sportsmanship?" Killua retorted, spreading all the cards out in a row and then flipping them back over.
Gon giggled, dropping down behind Killua and looping his arms around the Valkyrie from behind. "Nope! Can't say I have~"
Killua turned around, and blew into Gon's face. The hybrid shrieked in surprise and retreated, giggling as he summersalted back to his place across from Killua.
"Let's play something else," Killua complained.
"Oh! I know! How about go fish?!"
The Valkyrie barked a laugh. "Why the fuck would we play go fish?! How about poker~"
"Awww, I'm terrible at poker! I don't wanna! Let's play go fish!"
"You're a jackass!" Killua giggled. "You'll only play what you know you can win."
Gon stuck out his tongue. "No."
Killua stuck his tongue out right back at him, "Yes!"
The two of them burst out laughing.
"Hey," Killua mused, "Actually. I know of a new game."
Gon's eyes lit up, "A new game?! What's it called?! How do you play?!"
Killua grinned, doing his best to keep his tail from flicking about too much and betraying his evil intentions. "It's really fun, I promise. And it's not hard or anything, you'll be good at it."
Gon perked up like a little puppy. "Oh?"
"Mm-hm," Killua hummed, grinning over at Gon as he shuffled the cards one last time. "Now pay close attention."
Gon leaned in, eyes wide and curious and that adventurous grin on his face.
Killua melted a little.
The Valkyrie found himself grinning just as wide as Gon. "Well, you need all the cards in the deck, so the jokers stay in."
Gon nodded along, eyes so trusting and wide.
"The rules are really simple," said, grin turning wild. "It's called…"
Suddenly, Killua flung all the cards into the air, making Gon jump. "Fifty-two card pick up!"
Gon gawked.
"Now pick up the cards!" Killua ordered, already dissolving into giggles as Gon blinked, cards raining down over his head.
The hybrid just stared at Killua, and the cards that were all over the place. Betrayal was written all across his features, it was just too much! Killua rolled on his back in laughter, his stomach hurting he was laughing so hard.
Gon shook himself out of his stupor, and then pounced on Killua. "You're such a jerk!" he accused, jumping on top of the Valkyrie and attempting to get him in a headlock. Killua giggled, never one to lose a wrestling match.
The two of them rolled back and forth across the floor, bumping into the furniture and spreading the mess of cards even more. Gon's laughter bounced off the walls, his face so light and happy that Killua just wanted to lurch forward and eat it–
As-as in kissing, not actually eating his face cause that would be weird–
With a raging battle cry, Killua wrapped his arms around Gon's chest and rolled them to a stop, pinning the hybrid against his chest and confining his legs with his tail. Gon giggled as he strained against Killua's strong arms, trying to pull them off.
The Valkyrie growled playfully, "That's not gonna work~"
"No!" Gon whined through his laughter, "I'll never give up!"
Killua hunched over, looking down at Gon where he was being held hostage in his lap. "Nope, you're mine now," he declared, tightening his grip and narrowly suppressing the urge to rub his chin all over Gon's face and scent him.
Amber eyes sparkled as they gazed up at Killua, and Gon slackened in the Valkyrie's grip. "Fineee, you win."
Killua giggled, "What is this? Admitting defeat? Was the concussion worse than I thought?"
Gon cracked a laugh, the chuckles bubbling up like fireflies soaring upwards for the highest of leaves. "My brain is fine, you just get special treatment."
Killua blew his bangs out of his eyes with a huff. That damned smile. It was always that damned smile.
Don't be an asshole don't be an asshole don't be an asshole–
"Special treatment?" Killua all but purred, leaning down closer so that they were nose to nose. "Like what?"
Gon's face flushed red, and he struggled to find the words.
YES, YES, YES I FINALLY FUCKING DID IT–
I DIDN'T REACT BY TURNING INTO AN ASSHOLE–
"Uh…" Gon squirmed, but was unable to get anywhere. Nope. He was permanently held hostage in Killua's lap. The Valkyrie grinned, and those tan cheeks turned a darker shade of red. "Like, cuddles?"
Killua snorted, "Cuddles? What are you, five years old?"
Even though his stomach was demonstrating its backflip capabilities.
GODS DAMMIT, THERE I GO AGAIN–
Gon pouted, "No, I'm nineteen and a half!"
Killua cracked a laugh, leaning his head back and slightly loosening his grip. Just enough for Gon to flip over and wrap his arms around Killua's waist. He laid his head down, using the Valkyrie's lap as a pillow. Killua leaned against the back of the couch, just gazing down at Gon. They'd leaned up all the way across the room.
"Don't fall asleep on me," Killua accused, though his eyes turned soft as he watched Gon sigh his patented "comfortable and ready for sleep" sigh.
"I'm not tired," Gon shot back.
The Valkyrie chuckled, and threaded his fingers through Gon's hair. He petted through that coarse black-green mass like the dog Gon was. And sure enough, he began to purr. Killua sighed contentedly as his entire body hummed with the vibration emanating from Gon's chest. Those amber eyes drooped. As much as he liked to fight it, Gon was definitely tired.
He was so adorable.
"Killua," Gon mumbled. "I've missed this."
"Missed what?" the Valkyrie asked.
"Just this. Hanging out with you like we're not on some crazy mission."
Killua's chest warmed, and a dopey smile spread across his face. He was glad Gon's eyes were closed, otherwise he wouldn't be able to hide it. "Yeah. Me too, you idiot."
Gon sighed through his purring. "This makes me really happy. The whole time we've been together there's always been important stuff to be doing. I kinda just wanna… Hey, Killua?"
"Hm?"
"After we save Alluka, do you wanna go back to Whale Island with me? And just… relax for a while?"
Killua's heart melted. Gon said it as if it was already a done deal… as if saving Alluka would be as easy as snapping their fingers. He was just so… He was just so Gon.
"Is it okay for me to be there?" Killua whispered.
"Yeah!" Gon exclaimed, wrapping his arms tighter around Killua's waist. "Of course it is! I wanna introduce you to Mito, she'll love you! And you'll love Whale Island, I just know it! The people are kinda assholes, but they're okay once they get used to you… sort of."
Killua squeezed Gon tighter, closer. He was so perfect.
Love pulsed in his chest, Killua didn't think he could hang on like this for much longer…
One of these days he was just gonna burst.
Especially if Gon kept saying such nice stuff like that…
"Gon… I'd love to go to Whale Island."
The hybrid hummed victoriously, burying his face against Killua's stomach and relaxing as he started to drift off. The Valkyrie smiled, softly. Lovingly.
"It's a plan then," he sighed against the fabric of Killua's shirt. "We'll finish the mission, we'll get Alluka, and then we'll go to Whale Island together. It's all perfect…"
"It's so damn QUIET!" came a voice, echoing from the cockpit. Gon stiffened, but visibly ignored it.
But then - with a static buzz - the audio speakers in the cockpit switched on, and a hyped up electric guitar riff exploded throughout the vessel.
Gon's eyes cracked open, and he glared in Ryder's general direction.
"THUNDER!" he cheered with the band members.
A growl rose up in Gon's throat.
Killua glanced down at Gon, sensing the stirring in his aura.
"Oh, never mind," the hybrid grumbled. "This fucker exists."
Killua snorted a laugh, earning a glare from Gon. The Valkyrie blinked down at him, raising his arms up in surrender. Gon sat up, sitting before Killua with their knees touching in the middle.
"Why do you even like this guy?" Gon grumbled, dead serious as he glared over at the doorway to the cockpit.
"I was caught!" Ryder sang obnoxiously. "In the middle of a railroad track!"
"What do you mean?" Killua asked, stomach twisting with a mixture of guilt and nerves.
A whine rose in Gon's throat as he did his very best to tune Ryder's noise out. "He's so annoying, and he's a total nutcase!"
Killua leaned his chin on his hand, smirking over at Gon. "Hm… Annoying and a total nutcase? Who do I know that's just like that…"
"There was no help, no help from you!" Ryder scream-sang.
Gon blinked, unamused. "Killua, come on."
The Valkyrie sighed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. "I seriously don't get what you mean, Gon. He's a perfectly nice guy!"
"Nice?" Gon retorted. "He's constantly making lewd jokes and he BLASTS HIS MUSIC WHEN SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" Gon yelled the last part in Ryder's direction, earning a middle finger from the cockpit and a crank up of said music.
"THE THUNDER OF GUNS!" the other male screamed in response, still singing along like a moron.
Killua shook his head, memories of listening to Ryder's shitty playlists till the early hours of the morning sparking across his mind. He couldn't help but smile. Those moments, annoying the shit out of Ryder's neighbors a floor up, had been the only ounce of happiness Killua had been able to grasp onto when he'd been in that horrible place…
"See?! He's a total douchebag!" Gon complained. "I don't get what's so gReAt about him."
"What do you mean, great?" Killua asked, amused. He had to admit, seeing Gon blinded by jealousy was strangely satisfying. Come on, you idiot. We both know why this makes you so jealous. Just say it. Please? You were about to, back before everything went all crazy. I'm waiting, don't you see it in my eyes?
"You and Ging act like he's the coolest thing since sliced bread!"
Killua giggled, "Sliced bread? What the hell, Gon?"
The hybrid frowned. "Ki-llua, I'm being serious!"
"Gon," Killua said, leaning forward and attempting to get through that thick skull of his. "Ryder can be really–"
"AND I WAS SHAKING AT THE KNEES, COULD I COME AGAIN PLEASE?"
Gon quirked an eyebrow.
"...He can be a lot, sometimes."
"Sometimes?" Gon repeated.
"Okay, most of the time."
"More like all the time, huh?!" Gon snapped. "He ticks me off! And he knows he's making me mad and he keeps on doing it!"
"He's just trying to annoy you–"
"-That's exactly what a douchebag would do! Killua! He's! A! Douche! Bag!"
Killua glared. "Well that doesn't mean you have to react."
Gon sputtered, "What, so it's my fault now?!"
"Come on, Gon, I didn't say that."
"You might as well have! You're standing up for him! When you KNOW he's trying to piss me off on purpose! How is it my fault when he's always picking a fight?!"
"Gon, you've tried to use Rock on him! Three times! In one afternoon!"
"Yeah! Cause he's a douchebag!"
"That's not a reason to kill somebody," Killua snapped.
"Oh, and what is a reason, huh?! The fact that he harasses you?!"
"Gon, he doesn't harass me–"
"-Yes he does! He hits on you and tries to make you embarrassed!"
"As if you don't do the same exact thing!"
Gon's cheeks tinted a little pink, "That's– that's different!"
"Oh really? How, Gon? How's it different?"
The hybrid puffed his cheeks out, "Well– I– I'm your friend, so it's okay!"
Killua grumbled.
Come on, I gave you the biggest opening of all time there!
"Well Ryder's my friend too," Killua countered.
Gon visibly bristled. "He is not your friend!"
Killua choked down the growl rising in his throat. He really didn't wanna fight like this right now. "You can't just decide who's my friend and who isn't." The Valkyrie was proud of himself for managing to say that so calmly.
Gon growled.
Clearly not possessing the same self control as Killua.
"That's not–"
"-Oh? That's not what you're trying to say?" Killua interjected. "Then what are you trying to say, huh? Go ahead! Tell me! What are you trying to say by that?"
"You- You don't need him!"
Killua faked a gasp, "What, are you jealous?" He knew he was being a total prick… but he couldn't help it. Gon was being a jerk.
"What?!" the hybrid scrambled. "No! Why would I be- Of course not!"
Killua rolled his eyes, there he went. Lying to Killua's face again. The least he could do was attempt to conceal his bitter emotions. I mean, come on. The bare fucking minimum. "Gon, I really don't wanna fight about this–"
"-Than stop picking Ryder over me!"
"Are you kidding me right now?"
"What does he have that I don't, huh?! What could he POSSIBLY do for you that I can't?! Why the fuck do you even keep someone like him around?! Where the fuck did you even meet this bastard?! He has absolutely NO use to us! He flies the ship, and that's about fucking it! He's completely useless, nothing but a complete total waste of fucking air–"
Killua snarled, his protective side flaring up and ripping the wheel away. "He's not fucking useless, Gon!"
"Oh, yeah?! Than tell me what the fuck he's worth!"
"Well for STARTERS I wouldn't fucking be alive right now if it wasn't for him fucking stopping me–"
Gon froze, and Killua slapped his hand across his mouth. They sat in silence for a second, amber eyes boring into Killua's cerulean blue gaze. Prying. Asking. Searching.
Understanding.
"Wait," Gon said, voice unsure. "Killua? What do you mean?"
The Valkyrie swallowed.
Shit.
"It's nothing."
"It's not nothing," Gon said slowly.
"It's not important–"
"-Yes it is important!" Gon exclaimed, suddenly grabbing Killua's hands, preventing him from getting up and running off.
Normally Killua would have pulled out of Gon's grip but–
There was this terrible fear swirling in those golden depths.
Tears. Tears lined the corners of those brilliant orange eyes.
"Killua," Gon asked, voice trembling. "Finish that sentence. What did Ryder stop you from doing? Tell me."
"..."
"Please?" Gon's voice cracked that word. His hands trembled around Killua's. He was terrified.
"I wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't from him stopping me… from killing myself," Killua mumbled.
Gon's grip tightened, and his head bent down. His shoulders shook. Killua's heart sped up. Shit, he hated to see Gon hurt–
This was why he hadn't said anything about it–
"Killua, why?" Gon whimpered, leaning in closer. Tears welling and threatening to spill.
"Gon, Gon, don't cry–" Killua scrambled.
Too late.
A whine in his throat, the Valkyrie swiftly wiped the tears from Gon's cheeks. "Gon, please. Don't cry. It's not your–"
"-That's a lie."
Killua's mouth froze, floundering.
"It is my fault. You… you met him while we were in Yorknew City, didn't you? That's where he's from. And you… hadn't been there before we all…"
"Gon, please don't blame yourself–"
"-No! I'll blame myself cause it's my fault! It was me, wasn't it? Killua, what did I?"
"You didn't do anything, Gon, it was… it was me. I just… I met him after we… had our fight. I was in a pretty tough spot and… he kinda… stopped me from doing… it."
"When?" Gon whimpered, "Were you suffering all alone? I almost lost you, when did–"
"It was a few days after our battle," Killua admitted with a wince. "I was just… guilty and… lost."
"Killua," Gon whined, lurching forward and smothering him in a tight embrace. "Why didn't you say something?"
"I didn't wanna hurt you–"
"-But you were suffering! You were in pain! I threw you out and I almost lost you cause I was so–"
"-Gon, stop it," Killua ordered, pulling him back by the shoulders and looking him dead in the eye. "I'm over it now. That's in the past. We already moved past it all, remember?"
"But-"
"-No buts! It's not a problem anymore. I'm happy now, okay? Remember just now? Yesterday? The past six months? That's all behind us. I don't want you beating yourself up about something that happened more than half a year ago. Ryder pulled me out of it. I owe him my life, I wouldn't be here with you if it weren't for him. So don't diss on him like that, okay? He's a good person. You'll warm up to him, you just have to stop being such a selfish prick."
Gon sniffed, wiping at his eyes.
Killua gave him a reassuring smile. "Hey, I can have other friends, right?"
"Killua, I'm a horrible friend–"
The Valkyrie slapped him upside the head. "Hey! Cut it out!"
"Ow," Gon whimpered. "My brain…"
Killua winced, "Sorry, I shouldn't have hit you that hard when you're in recovery like this."
"S'okay," the hybrid mumbled, still clinging to Killua's shoulders.
"Hey," Killua murmured, turning Gon's chin up with a finger. "Don't get yourself all down, okay?" He gave Gon a reassuring grin, feeling his eyes go all soft. "You're my best friend, right? You already hold that slot. You're got nothing to worry about from Ryder. He's not taking your place."
Gon sighed, his breath dusting across Killua's face. "Are you sure?" he whispered, gazing up at Killua with those swirling honey eyes.
Killua's heart lurched. He just wanted to lean forward and kiss the tears from his cheeks… but no. Now wasn't the right moment. Besides… he wanted Gon to be the one to say it. He needed to hear it from Gon… he needed to know he wasn't crazy… that this wasn't all in his head. That the light that burned in Gon's eyes for him was for a lover, and not a friend.
He needed… he needed that moment on the Black Whale to resume.
But in order to do so, he needed to cheer Gon back up.
"Yeah, how many times will I have to tell you before it gets through that thick skull of yours?" Killua teased with a smile.
Gon tried to keep his lips from turning up at the corners, but his smile was too big, too brilliant to suppress. It cracked across his features, brighter than the sun and unyielding as ever.
"Come on," Killua beckoned with a grin in return. He stood up, holding his hand down to Gon. "Let's sit on the couch like civilized beings. Ging and Pariston are out cold, we need to claim control of the tv remote while the old men are away!"
Gon giggled, following Killua to the couch.
That's right… that's the face I want to see. That's the laugh I want to hear. Don't cry, Gon. Don't let my mistakes drag you down. I want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy.
…
Gon sat on the couch beside Killua, pressed close enough to share body warmth. He absentmindedly watched the Valkyrie flip through movies, only half listened to him rant about which movies sucked and which ones had actors whose faces annoyed him.
Killua almost killed himself.
Killua tried to kill himself.
Because of me.
Because of what I did to him. What I said to him.
It's true… we have moved on from that but… I never knew–
I never knew just how hurt he was.
Ryder… Ryder is the reason Killua's still here. Ryder is the reason Killua is still alive.
Not me… I'm not the one who saved Killua. It was Ryder that was there for him when it actually mattered…
Sure, saving Killua from getting his mind wiped mattered a shit ton. But still… Killua had been suicidal. And Gon hadn't been the wiser. He hated that. He hated that he'd been the one to put Killua in that position.
Looking at Killua now… watching that smile. Seeing those eyes sparkle…
It made him so scared.
That light had almost been ripped away from him. And he would have been the reason.
Gon loved Killua more than anything in the entire world. Killua meant everything to him, more than his own life. More than finding his species and more than reaching his goals. If he could bring Killua eternal joy, then he'd lay down his life in a heartbeat.
If he could save that smile from termination, then he'd sacrifice everything.
But…
But…
Damn it.
Ryder made Killua happy. Gon could see it in those beautiful blue eyes. Killua… he liked Ryder. As a friend but… he'd told Gon that he didn't have anything to worry about but… Killua didn't know how Gon really felt. He only thought that Gon was worried about losing Killua as a best friend.
He didn't know that Gon was in love with him. He didn't know that Gon would die if he saw Killua fall into the embrace of another person…
Killua liked Ryder as a friend, sure. But… what if there was more? What if Killua… liked Ryder?
Gods, Gon hated that.
It made his skin crawl, it made him want to rage and destroy everything in sight. It was the reason he hated the guy so much. Not just because he clearly took a romantic interest in Killua, but because there was that chance.
That horrible chance that the happiness Ryder brought Killua would morph into something else…
Gon was afraid of being replaced, but more than anything he was afraid of his chance slipping through his fingers.
Every fiber of his being was yelling at him to grab Killua by the shoulders RIGHT now, look him in the eye and just say it.
I love you.
I want you.
I'd die without you.
Can I call you mine?
Would you take me as more than a best friend?
Would you… let me love you? Have you?
So many things Gon was dying to say… but so many things that he… couldn't say. No. Not when… not when Killua…
Not when Ryder had saved Killua like that. Not when there was this chance…
Because… if Gon would sacrifice everything for Killua to be happy, and Ryder was what could make Killua happy… then… would Gon be able to give Killua up… give him up to Ryder? Would Killua be… happier with Ryder than he would be with Gon?
Gon had caused Killua pain…
But Ryder had wiped it all away.
Gods.
Dammit!
Fuck!
Gon hated this! No! He couldn't believe this! He wouldn't… There was no way he'd accept those terms. No way he'd let ANYONE steal HIS Killua away from him!
The hybrid glanced over at the Valkyrie, flicking through the options and ranting in detail about this and that… That smile. That light in his eyes. It was because… it was because Gon was here. It was because Gon was here beside him, and they were together. He'd said it himself. He liked being with Gon like this… he wanted to… return to Whale Island with him.
But…
Music still poured from the cockpit. The song changed, and Ryder squealed in giddy joy. "Holy shit! Holy fucking shit, yes!"
Gon didn't miss it.
He didn't miss the tilt that added to Killua's lips.
Did Killua smile like that for Ryder because… he liked him as a friend? Or something else?
"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, and you're never coming round–"
"Gods, you're so cringe!" Killua accused, whipping in the direction of the cockpit.
Gon watched the Valkyrie turn back around. He watched the light dance in those beautiful blue eyes. He squished himself closer to Killua. No. That light was his. He couldn't just sit there and let it be taken away from him–
"Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tEaRs–"
Killua's tail flicked, slapping against the couch cushions.
"Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by–"
"Do us all a favor and close that damn door!" Killua yelled… but still grinned.
Gon agreed… Yes, Ryder should close that door. Close it and never open it back up–
Never cross through that doorway into Killua's heart.
"Come on, Killua, you know you wanna sing it with me!" Ryder accused with a wicked laugh. "EVERY NOW AND THEN I GET A LITTLE BIT TERRIFIED–
The Valkyrie shook his head, flicking his ear, Do you see what I have to deal with?
Gon smiled, though it was a weak one.
"Every now and then I fall apart–" Ryder beckoned from the cockpit, peeking around the doorframe and grinning that stupid grin at Killua.
The Valkyrie shook his head, ignoring the line that was left open for him.
But still…
Gon knew Killua. He knew that smile.
Ryder tried again, "Every now and then I fall apart–"
Killua leapt to his feet, whipping around and facing the male in the doorframe. "And I need you now, tonight!" he all but yelled.
Ryder's eyes lit up. "And I need you more than ever!" he cheered, skipping to meet Killua in the open space in the living area. Right where Gon and Killua had just been playing cards like old times.
"And if you only hold me tight!" Killua belted, a wild grin on his face.
"We'll be holding on forever!" Ryder screamed in return.
Gon watched from the couch, feeling like he was watching on from a different part of the room… from a different part of the galaxy… as Killua and his other friend ballroom danced through the living area while screaming those awful lyrics.
Their dance was so practiced, their movements so fluid. Killua was a great dancer, sure… but the way they moved in perfect step to the music, the way they harmonized their voices when they sang the same lyric… they'd done this before. Many times.
This… this was what had pulled Killua from the edge. What had kept Killua from falling into that endless sea of darkness.
Gon slouched against the cushions, watching the two of them dance their little duet. It felt like some sort of tradition… like the moment this song played they immediately had to take to their feet and twirl about. Gon watched on as Killua forgot he was there, as he got wrapped up in the chaos of his other friend.
His other friend, that wasn't Gon.
Was this what it looked like to outsiders when Gon and Killua were together?
Killua's smile… this twinkle in his eyes.
Gon… he hated that. He hated that it was Ryder making Killua smile, and not him. But… still. Ryder had saved Killua's life. And as much as he hated him… he had to acknowledge that. He had to acknowledge this. This friendship, this bond between them.
Damn it.
Gon forced himself not to glare. He forced himself not to stand up and rip Ryder away from his Killua.
Because Ryder made Killua happy… and if Killua was happy then Gon was happy, right?
Watching Killua smile and dance and sing like this… Knowing all the suffering Gon had caused this beautiful angel of a person.
Would Killua be… better off without me?
Would he be happier with Ryder instead of with me?
Do I need to just… step aside?
Does he, no. Could he… like Ryder, and not me?
AN: Gon. Sweetie. You know we love you. But, respectfully... YOU DUMB BITCH, STOP READING INTO SHIT THAT DOESN'T NEED TO BE READ INTO. IT'S VERY KIND OF YOU TO PLACE KILLUA'S HAPPINESS OVER YOUR OWN, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE
