Warning: sexual content in first half of chapter


Gon lay in his bed, at war with himself in his mind. He watched Killua sleep from across the bunks… wishing that they were sleeping side by side. He supposed that there were only a few feet of hallway between them, but it felt like an ocean of distance to Gon.

Killua was out cold, snuggled up in the blankets with the covers drawn all the way up to his nose. He was so cute…

Gon whimpered to himself, and decidedly turned over to face the wall instead.

This was so unfair. Gon just wanted to march over there and climb into Killua's bed to sleep there rather than all the way over here… but he couldn't do that. Because he couldn't force romantic exchanges onto Killua, not when he might like Ryder.

Gon had to give Killua this choice… he had to let him decide!

As much as Gon hated it… he had to step back. If Killua wanted to be with Ryder instead of with him… then Gon would just have to live with it.

I have to back off.

I have to sit back and let it happen.

I don't own Killua, and he has the freedom to make his own decision.[

So I'll just have to let go…

Gon was walking. At first it was through empty space, and then he was on the shores of Whale Island. He took in a deep breath, reveling in the clean scent of the air. The salty breeze ruffled his coarse hair, and a laugh twinkled its way up Gon's throat.

But it wasn't Gon's laugh that reached his ears, it was Killua's laugh.

Gon turned to his side, where Killua was suddenly walking the beach with him.

The Valkyrie grinned, eyes sparkling in the sun. His skin glowed against the frame of the turquoise ocean waters. Killua's tail swished about behind him, dancing to the tune of joy and carefree gaiety.

He took Gon's hand in his own, swinging their merged fingers between them as they walked.

"Gon, I have fun when I'm with you," Killua declared, looking Gon dead in the eye as he said it.

The hybrid smiled, "Yeah! So do I–"

"Gon, why did you leave me?"

A chill shivered across Gon's skin, and suddenly he wasn't on the beaches of Whale Island anymore. He was standing barefoot on the cement floor of the Heaven's Arena. The exact arena where himself and Killua had fought. In fact, Killua's blood was still splattered all over the place.

The stands were nothing more than pits of black shadow, Gon standing in the center of the ring under a beating spotlight. Killua was in front of him, dressed as he had been when the crewmates had released him on that godawful ship…

Clothes only in a thin sheet of fabric draped over his groin, blocky metal cuffs holding his arms and tail hostage. But he wasn't wearing the mask, his face was bare. He stared at Gon, eyes pleading and stocked with tears.

"Killua!" Gon gasped, "I'd never leave you!" He tried to move, but was frozen in place.

"Gon, why did you hurt me?" Killua sobbed.

"What?! I didn't–"

Gon screamed in horror when suddenly another him appeared behind Killua, and punched clean through that pearly white chest. Orange Magic raging around his fist, Gon's rock tearing through Killua's heart and splattering blood and gristle all over the real Gon's face and neck.

"Gon, why did you hurt me?" Killua sobbed again, blood gurgling up and over his lips.

"No!" Gon shrieked as the other him appeared to move back in time. He retracted his fist from Killua's chest, the entire scene rolling in reverse. That Magic-clad fist left Killua's chest, that pale skin sealing back together–

Only for him to punch through Killua again, once more splattering Gon with his dearest's blood.

"Gon, why did you hurt me?"

Gon screamed and sobbed, jerking against the invisible restraints holding him back, keeping him from saving Killua!

Again and again and again.

"Gon, why did you hurt me?"

So many times over, and every single time the other Gon would punch savagely through Killua's chest. Shattering his ribs and bursting his heart and lungs.

"Killua! No, please! I didn't mean too–"

The scene changed, and it was no longer another Gon looming behind Killua. It was another Killua.

"I don't deserve to live," the Killua in the restraints murmured.

"What?! No! Killua, of course you deserve to live!"

"Says who?" other Killua asked with an evil smirk, a smile that was too big for his face. It rose all the way up to his temples, barring a maw of layers upon layers of serrated teeth. He extended his claws, holding them up to Killua's throat.

"Me! I said! Don't listen to him, Killua! He's not you!"

"What are you saying, Gon? He is me."

Killua wasn't in the cuffs anymore, he was dressed in the tattered clothes he'd worn during their fight in this very stadium. Other Killua was no longer there, now Killua held his own clawed hand up to his throat.

"No! Please! Killua, don't do it!" Gon screamed, thrashing against whatever was holding him in place. He screamed so loud he felt the strain in his eyes.

Killua smiled sadly at Gon, tears of blood slipping down his cheeks. "But you're the one who cast me aside, I'm just finishing the job."

"NO–"

Killua slit his throat on his own hand, blood sprayed. His flesh festered and bubbled over.

Gon screamed in horror and grief as Killua's beautiful face melted away. His skin oozed away from the bone, his skull crumbling to dust as Killua was reduced to no more than a steaming pile of slime on the arena floor.

"KILLUAAA!" Gon shrieked, finally breaking through the restraints. He exploded forward, arms outstretched as if he was going to put Killua back together like some phantom jigsaw puzzle.

But Gon never made it to the slimy mass that had once been Killua, he tripped and fell through a sudden gaping hole in the floor. Gon screamed in terror as he plummeted through an seemingly endless darkness, that horrible other Killua's laughter echoing around his skull and driving him mad.

The scene changed, and Gon was stumbling to a stop. He was back on that run down ship again, standing in the corridors that were stained and splattered with the blood of their enemies.

Killua suddenly appeared before Gon, he was alive–

"Killua!" Gon choked out, tears stinging in the backs of his eyes as he opened his arms and lurched forward.

The silver haired boy smiled, and moved to meet Gon in the middle–

Only to pass right through him like a ghost.

Gon choked back a sob, and whipped around to watch as Killua fell into Ryder's arms. The Alien-Cryptid wrapped Killua up in his embrace, and the Valkyrie relaxed against his chest.

"Killua?" Gon whimpered.

The Valkyrie turned around in Ryder's arms, standing with his back against the Alien-hybrid's chest as he faced Gon. "Why do you chase after me, Gon? You didn't want me. You cast me aside. You left me to die."

"No!" Gon yelled. "Killua, I take it back! I didn't mean it, please!"

"Don't you want what's best for me, Gon?" Killua asked, smiling as he leaned back against Ryder's chest.

"Of course I do! I only want you to be happy!"

"Then why are you hurting me?"

"Hurting you–"

Gon gasped in horror, looking down to his hand, which was holding Killua's still-beating heart. He snapped his head back to Killua, and found that a string of rubbery veins extended from Killua's chest to the heart clutched in Gon's hand. Blood dripped onto the floor, dribbling hot and sticky between Gon's fingertips.

"Gon, why won't you let me go?" Killua asked, trembling from the pain. Shuddering with every beat of his heart… which Gon felt in his palm.

"Because I can't!" Gon shrieked.

"Why not? Isn't this what you wanted?"

"I want you to be happy! But I never wanted this!"

"What's 'this,' Gon?" Killua asked, head cocking to one side.

"You're leaving me behind!" Gon wailed, spittle flying as he screamed. "You're choosing him over me! You're loving him instead of me!"

"What are you talking about, Gon?" Killua asked.

The dream changed.

Gon's eyes blew wide.

They weren't in the corridor anymore, they were back on Whale Island, this time nestled within its moonlit forest. Standing in a mossy clearing lit by a hundred fireflies and the dim light of the moon through the tropical green leaves.

"I don't want him," Killua said, walking away from Ryder. The Alien-Cryptid turned to dust, blowing away on the wind. "I want you." Killua walked up to Gon, feet bare against the soft moss. Gon stumbled backwards, disbelieving. His heart raced in his chest, his face flushed crimson red.

"Gon, why are you running?" Killua asked, voice bedroom soft and eyes saturated with a silky dark glow.

"I– Wait! Don't you love him?!" Gon sputtered, disbelieving.

"No," Killua said as if that was the craziest notion to ever exist. Gon's back hit the trunk of a tree, and Killua boxed him in. "You idiot," he purred, "I love you."

Gon gasped, the fireflies exploding into a thousand bursts of golden and glittery light.

Killua took Gon's chin in his fingers, and crushed their lips together.

Gon whimpered against Killua's mouth. His lips were so soft, his kiss needy and hot. It was everything Gon wanted, everything he longed for. Killua wanted him, he loved him. He felt just as strongly for Gon as Gon did for him.

Killua broke the kiss with a gasp, still leaned in close. Their foreheads touched as he grinned that wicked grin that always served to set Gon's heart on fire.

"Gon. I love you." Killua slid his knee between Gon's legs, leaning close and pressing him flush against the tree.

"Ah," Gon panted, head hot and fuzzy. He could barely think straight. This was everything he wanted, everything he needed. He needed Killua, he couldn't hold on any longer. "Killua." He grabbed the Valkyrie's shoulders, and flipped their positions.

Killua grinned like wild, his cheeks flushing that delicious shade of pink.

Gon took the assassin's face in his hands, and slotted their lips together once again. The kiss was chaste and quick, but hard and promising.

Gon leaned backwards, staring deeply into those wild blue eyes. Yes, Gon wanted this. He wanted this more than anything. He needed to tell Killua, he needed to spill his soul. He needed to make Killua see how much he meant to him, and he needed to make Killua feel loved.

To hell with Ryder.

To hell with everything!

There was nothing, nothing but him and Killua.

The dream changed.

Gon wanted to fix it. He wanted to pick up where they'd left off. He wanted to make it right.

They were no longer in the forest, they were back in their bedroom on that ship.

Right back where they'd been before everything had been interrupted.

Gon was perched over Killua, those blue eyes wide and shocked. That pale face pink and flushed. He looked almost scared, but the slowly squirming of his tail against the sheets told another story.

This time, Gon didn't chicken out.

This time, Gon didn't pause to hide his face in the crook of Killua's neck.

He didn't break Killua's gaze, he met those beautiful eyes head on.

"Killua," he said, voice serious and pleading. "I love you."

Those eyes blew wide, just like Gon imagined they would. Killua's mouth cracked open, he took a gasping breath. His face turned redder than the blood beneath his veins, and his tail thrashed against the bed.

"I love you too," Killua choked out, the words fumbling and almost caught on those trembling lips.

Gon grinned, and lowered himself down. He captured Killua's lips, kissing him slow and passionately. Just how he'd dreamt of for months. Killua whined against Gon's mouth, struggling to keep his tail still, but then giving in and threading it up Gon's leg.

Trembling hands made their way into Gon's hair, timid and unsure. Killua had never kissed anyone before, never gotten the chance to experience anything remotely close to romantic. All because of that oppressive family, all because of that wretched Illumi.

But that was okay. Gon would show him, Gon would show him what it meant to be loved.

"Mm," Gon hummed against the Valkyrie's mouth, "Killua? Can you trust me? I wanna make you feel really good."

Killua gasped, just now remembering to breathe. Gon gazed down into those lovely eyes, loving the color that dusted those pale cheeks. He loved Killua, every part of him and every emotion that crossed those soft features.

"Uh, yeah," the Valkyrie stuttered.

Gon gave Killua a loving smile, and then leaned back down. He kissed him slowly, careful not to move too fast and to lead Killua into it. Gon loved the taste of Killua's lips. It was salty with sweat, but also saturated with that phantom sweetness that was Killua. The Valkyrie's body was warm, his tail wound tight around Gon's leg.

Gon slid his tongue along Killua's bottom lip, making him gasp through his nose. Pale fingers bunched in Gon's hair, and Killua just barely cracked his mouth open. Gon slid his tongue through those soft lips, humming in satisfaction when he was finally able to taste Killua in full.

The hybrid started slow, as always, but gradually picked up the pace. He kissed Killua faster, gasping for air every other moment threading his fingers through that fluffy hair to tilt Killua's head to a better angle.

Killua moaned softly into Gon's mouth, squirming against the sheets as he tugged at Gon's hair. The hybrid gently dragged his teeth along Killua's lower lip, making him gasp. He broke the kiss, and leaned up to gently kiss each of Killua's eyelids.

The Valkyrie squirmed in embarrassment, squeezing his eyes shut tight and looping his arms around Gon's neck. The shorter male chuckled as he kissed his way back down the bridge of Killua's nose, trailing back down to his lips.

Killua met him in the middle this time, pressing their tongues together and pulling Gon deeper.

The hybrid groaned, leaning down from where he'd been propped up on his knees. He pressed himself flush against Killua's body, wrapping the other male up in his embrace and burying him in his warmth. Killua gasped, bucking his hips in surprise. The two of them moaned in unison, delicious friction burning between them and sending sparks flying in Gon's lower belly.

Gon panted against Killua's lips, this boy drove him crazy. He needed more, he needed to be closer.

"Killua," he mumbled into the Valkyrie's mouth, sitting back up on his knees and sliding his hands down to the hem of Killua's t-shirt.

"Yes," the Valkyrie hissed, already locking his ankles around Gon's waist to try and bring him back down.

Gon quickly tugged the shirt up and over Killua's head, tossing it somewhere over to the side. The assassin lay down against the pillows, panting to catch his breath as he eyed Gon from below. Heat strained in Gon's pants, Killua was just so incredibly perfect.

He'd committed every twisting curve of those tattoos to memory, every dip and fall of that corded muscle was burned against the backs of Gon's eyes. Sixth months of torture. For six months Gon had struggled to focus on his training, eyes always straying to the ever shirtless Valkyrie at his side. Finally he could show Killua just how crazy he made him, he could show him all the things he'd been dying to do all those months. He could map out that body with his hands, worship Killua just like he deserved.

Gon slid his fingers across the plains of Killua's stomach, watching the gooseflesh rise and feeling his leg lose circulation as Killua's tail wound ever tighter. The Valkyrie shifted beneath him, face flushed and eyes impatient and unsure as he watched Gon's eyes wrack his body.

The hybrid leaned back down, finally giving Killua what he wanted.

"You're so beautiful," Gon purred into the assassin's ear, grinding their hips together as his hands wracked that milky pale skin. "I die a little every time I look at you, knowing that you're not all mine."

Killua whined, arms wrapped around Gon's neck in a death grip.

"Will you let me change that?" Gon asked against the skin of Killua's neck. He licked at the Valkyrie's pulse point, suckling the skin and running his sharp teeth just hard enough to give Killua chills. His hands explored Killua's arms and shoulders, sliding across the skin and tracing the path of the tattoos that he knew by heart and soul.

"Gon, yes, do it," Killua gasped.

The hybrid grinned, sinking his teeth into the meat of Killua's neck and making him moan through clenched teeth.

"I'll start small," Gon murmured against the shell of Killua's ear. "We won't go too fast."

Killua whined, tearing the back of Gon's shirt to shreds with his claws.

With much effort, Gon lifted his hips up. Killua growled low and strained in his throat, clinging his legs to Gon's waist and trying to pull himself up after.

Gon chuckled, planting his hands on Killua's hips and pushing him back down into the sheets. "Now, now, stay put," he purred. He kissed Killua again, distracting him with the stimulation and keeping him abated.

Keeping one hand buried in Killua's mane of silvery hair, he slid the other into the front of his pants. The Valkyrie squeaked against Gon's tongue, and the hybrid massaged his fingers along the crown of his scalp.

"It's okay," he murmured into Killua's mouth, "Do you trust me?"

Killua shuddered, tail twisting painfully around Gon's leg. But the hybrid could care less about the pain. "Y-yeah."

Gon sighed against Killua's lips, gently slipping his fingers lower and wrapping his palm around his length. Killua moaned, high and strained. Gon swallowed it down, and slowly tightened his grip. Killua clung to Gon's shoulders, "Gon!" he gasped, scrambling for purchase.

"Killua," he responded, voice low and rumbling in his throat. He worked his hand, slowly up and down. Killua gasped and sang beneath him, squirming and clawing at his shoulders. Every sound sent sparks flying in Gon's groin. Killua's hips bucked into his grip, and Gon couldn't help but groan.

Killua panted, moaning strings of gibberish against Gon's lips as he squirmed and came apart at Gon's hands.

It was too much, it was all too much. Gon's head was so hot, tears rose in his eyes. It was like every one of Killua's moans was sending that same fiery pleasure into himself as well, his hips jerking instinctively forward as he struggled to keep his cool.

Gon whined, "Killuaaa."

The Valkyrie just groaned, his hips tensing up and his back arching into Gon's palm.

"Please," the assassin gasped, "I'm so close."

Gon panted against Killua's lips, shared saliva dripping down his chin and onto Killua's tensed up neck. He picked up the pace, squeezing his hand tighter and working his arm faster. He twisted his wrist on every pass, and Killua moaned loud and raised his hips up, straining against Gon one last time before–

Gon gasped himself awake, quickly shoving his fist into his mouth to shut off his groan. The hybrid panted, trembling as he struggled to calm down.

Damn it.

He was laying on his stomach in his bunk, pillow long since kicked to the ground. He'd been rutting against the mattress in his sleep, and had come within a split second of creaming himself… with his fucking father sleeping in the bunk above him.

No, there was absolutely no way he was doing this here. Not in this tiny tin can with four other guys not even 10 feet away from him. And ESPECIALLY not with Killua right there

Gon whimpered against the sheets, damnnn ittttt.

Why now? Why did it have to be now?

Come on, hadn't he just told himself that he was gonna leave Killua alone?!

I'm such a mess.

Gon rolled onto his side, pulling the pillow back onto the bed and squeezing his eyes shut tight. He IGNORED the pulsing in his pants. He was NOT doing anything about it! Nope! Absolutely not!

Come on, Gon! Sleep! Just go to sleep already!

It wasn't going away.

Seriously?! Why now?! Why do you have to pick now of all times to do this, huh?!

Gon's dick was still hard as a rock, and clearly had no intention of settling down on its own. Seriously?! Of all the times to have a dream like– like that?!

An unwelcome memory of Killua straining beneath him flashed across Gon's mind. His face burned, his stomach lurching and his cock twitching in his pants.

Damn it.

Yeah, this wasn't something Gon could just sleep through. Why did Killua have to be so hot?! It wasn't fair! And why did Gon's stupid brain have to pick the worst possible timing to be horny?!

With a whimper of defeat, Gon sat up in his bunk. He couldn't stand for jerking off in such close proximity to everyone (I mean come on, the walls here were made of freaking tin). But he could still take a cold shower. A VERY cold shower. The thing about space flight was that when the water was cold the water was COLD.

If anything was powerful enough to banish the hardest hard on of his entire life, it was space water.

With a deep breath, Gon quietly stood up–

Only to jump out of his skin, because someone had jumped down from the bunk on the right side of the hall at the exact same time–

Oh HELL no.

"Uh, this is awkward."

Fucking Ryder.

Why the fuck was he–

Gon prickled, his sharp sense picking up on a rise in hormone level.

What.

The.

ACTUAL.

Fuck.

With a growl, Gon yanked Ryder by the arm, dragging him into the bathroom and shutting and locking the door behind them.

"Hey, HEY!" the taller male whined, "That hurts, man!"

Gon ignored him, tossing him roughly against the wall and slapping the light on.

"Ow! Shit, what the fuck?!" Ryder hissed, squeezing his eyes shut and struggling to adjust to the light.

Gon's eyes were strong enough to adjust (and… NOT because he was using his biochemical to enhance them… yeah,, THAT would be a complete overreaction and VERY stupid…), and he used Ryder's dazed state to grab his wrists and pin him against the wall. Gon glared downwards and–

Sure enough.

"What the fuck is this?" Gon snarled into Ryder's face, gesturing at his pants.

"Uh, it's called a penis?"

Gon took a deep breath, barely managing to stop himself from barking and waking the others up. He fixed Ryder with one of the most intense glares in all existence. A lesser man would have pissed his pants. "Don't play dumb with me, I have had ENOUGH of your bullshit!"

Ryder rolled his eyes, tugging his wrists out of Gon's bruising grip and holding them up in surrender. "Fine, fine, do you seriously want me to say it out loud?"

Gon cracked his arm back to sock this asshole in the jaw–

"OkAY oKaY, don't fucking kill me, dude!" the purple skinned hybrid squeaked. Gon lowered his fist with a growl, but still didn't stand down. "I just had an interesting dream, alright? Happens to the best of us, am I–"

Ryder froze.

Gon hissed, turning around to face the mirror–

"WaIT," Ryder whisper-screamed, grabbing Gon by the shoulder and turning him back around. "Are you in here for the same reason?!"

Gon snarled, jabbing Ryder in the chest with his finger, "Do NOT rope me in with you! Who the fuck were you fantasizing about, huh?!"

"Killua."

Gon lunged, and Ryder deftly caught his fist. The Alien-Cryptid growled low in his throat, the first time Gon had heard him make a noise like that. "Calm the fuck down man. Don't act so high and mighty, we both know you were dreaming about the exact same thing–"

Gon swung with his other hand, only for Ryder to catch that one as well. Trembling with rage, Gon leaned in close, arms straining to try and overpower the taller male. "Keep Killua out of your dirty assed mind, you need to back the hell off!"

Ryder "tched," shoving against Gon in turn. "You need to take a serious chill pill, dude, what the fuck's your problem with me, huh?! You're just as bad as I am! If not worse! So quit being a fucking hypocrite and just–"

Gon snarled in anger as Ryder shoved him back. Shit! He really was stronger! "-Killua doesn't need you! Stay away from him!"

Ryder snarled right back, leaning down and getting all in Gon's face. He'd be lying if he said those burning green eyes weren't intimidating… "Fuck no! Killua's just as much my friend as he is yours! Who are you to decide who can get close to him and who can't?! You're toxic as fucking hell, if Killua doesn't need anyone it's YOU!"

Gon gasped, his brain sparking in recognition as he suddenly remembered the first half of that damn dream–

Ryder overpowered Gon, shoving him into the shower and sliding the glass door closed. The horned male snarled through gritted teeth, damn it! He couldn't lose to this asshole! The two of them stumbled around the tiny excuse for a shower, struggling for control as they bumped into the walls and squeezed hard enough to snap any lesser being's wrist.

"Killua does need me!" Gon barked, starting to lose grip on the volume of his voice. "I'm his best friend! He doesn't need ANYONE else but me! Not you, not his psycho assed family, NO ONE! I'm EVERYTHING Killua needs, I'm the one who gets to make him happy, and you don't get to take him away from me!"

Ryder's eyes blazed with rage. "Are you hearing yourself right now?!" he hissed. "You sound like a total psycho! Look where 'needing' someone like you got him!" With a grunt of effort, Ryder shoved against Gon.

He pushed him backwards, one forearm digging into his throat as he used his height to gag Gon against the wall. He flipped the shower on with his other hand, frigid water pouring down over their heads and making Gon flinch.

"Why the fuck would Killua need someone like you?!" Ryder hissed, rage and passion burning in his eyes. "You hate me cause you're a jealous prick? Fine, well I hate you just as much! Do you have any idea how much pain you've caused Killua?! When I met him he was a total fucking mess! He was lost! Broken! Cast aside and more depressed and suicidal than I've ever seen ANYONE!"

Gon froze, his eyebrows drawing together in horror.

Ryder whisper-yelled into Gon's face, leaning in so close that their noses brushed under the frigid downpour. "I liked Killua the second I laid eyes on him, and I'm sure you understand why. He's the most incredible person I've ever met in my life, but you know what?! He was withering away, and there was absolutely NOTHING I could do about it! He almost fucking killed himself, ya know that?! I found him with a gun against his head and his finger on the trigger!"

Gon's eyes blew wide, he started to shake. Tears burned against the backs of his eyes.

"If I had gotten there a SPLIT second later, he would have blow his fucking brains out! Funny, huh?! Real fucking funny! And you think that was the worst of it?! Well no! I kept an eye on him cause I knew he was in a serious mental health crisis, and you know what?! Sometimes he'd get so bad that he'd just sit there and fucking freeze so bad he'd stop breathing! Have you ever seen someone have a panic attack and stop breathing?! Yeah! Didn't think so!"

Gon shook his head, no, he didn't' wanna hear this–

"He'd dissociate so bad he couldn't see, he'd show up on my doorstep drenched in blood and starved within an inch of his life, and I only kept up with him for a week, Gon! A week! When he just disappeared one day, I thought he was dead! I thought he'd had an episode during a fight, and gotten himself killed! But no. He'd run on back to the very asshole who'd put him in that awful darkness in the first place!"

Ryder paused, taking a deep breath. He looked away from Gon, squeezing his eyes shut tight. When he looked back, those acid green eyes penetrated Gon's very soul. That emotion– That pain– He felt all this for Killua

"What do you think about that, huh? I never knew Killua as happy… and you won't believe how much relief it brought me to see that smile on his face. I thought he'd died, man. But he's alive. And I suppose you're the reason he's all happy like this, but fucking still! How messed up is that?! You're the one who made him like that! So why should you get to have him, huh?! Why?! Why do you deserve Killua?! Tell me!"

Gon stood frozen on the spot.

Every single one of those words had been an arrow through Gon's heart.

Shit, he'd known Killua had been in pain but–

He hadn't– he hadn't known that it had been this bad–

"Gon, why did you hurt me?"

The hybrid winced, remembering that horrible dream…

Ryder was right. Why the hell did Gon deserve Killua?! What the fuck could he possibly bring him other than pain?! Gon had hurt Killua, he'd hurt him so bad. Ryder had been there for him when Gon had been too fucking selfish to grow up and just listen. Ryder made Killua happy, happy without the strain of everything Gon had caused him…

Killua would be better off with Ryder…

He'd be happier if Gon wasn't here dragging him down like this anymore…

Gon was nothing more than a sack of dead weight–

"I'm over it now. That's in the past. We already moved past it all, remember?"

Gon choked on a sob, eyes zoning out in thought as frigid water made him lose all feeling in his fingers and toes. As Ryder's arm half strangled him, as he struggled to breathe against the hold.

"It's not a problem anymore. I'm happy now, okay? Remember just now? Yesterday? The past six months? That's all behind us."

Gon took a shuddering breath. Remembering Killua's words. Remembering these past six months, these six painful months of rebuilding what had been broken. That had been the reason Gon hadn't confused his love, he'd been waiting for Killua to be ready… he'd been waiting for him to heal. He'd been working his ass off to win his place back at Killua's side.

Killua had struggled… Killua had been in pain…

But that didn't matter.

"I don't want you beating yourself up about something that happened more than half a year ago."

Gon gritted his teeth.

Killua had said it himself. He'd been in pain, but he didn't want Gon to feel guilty about it. He didn't want all this to reverse all they'd gone through to fix what they had. It was Killua's pain, not Gon's. Gon could feel guilty all he wanted, but when it came down to it, Killua was the one who decided when he was healed.

Not Gon.

Not Ryder.

Only Killua.

Killua had moved past all that, he'd forgiven Gon, and it had been a long and hard six months, but they'd worked through all of their issues. Gon had apologized, and he'd made it up to Killua. Killua didn't want all this to be dug up again, and Gon had no place trying to move them backwards.

Killua was right.

This was already said and done.

"Ryder pulled me out of it. I owe him my life, I wouldn't be here with you if it weren't for him."

Fine. Maybe Ryder had been the one to help Killua back then and not Gon. But…

"He needed to make Killua see how much he meant to him, and he needed to make Killua feel loved.

To hell with Ryder.

To hell with everything!

There was nothing, nothing but him and Killua."

That's right. Gon didn't care! Killua could decide who he wanted to be with, not anybody else! Gon could sit and mope all he wanted, but Killua's feelings would always be up to Killua and Killua alone.

He'd said it himself: "You're my best friend, right? You already hold that slot. You're got nothing to worry about from Ryder. He's not taking your place."

Ryder would never steal Gon's place in Killua's heart.

Killua had already said it, he'd chosen Gon. Maybe not as a lover just yet, but there was still time. And Gon sure as hell wasn't gonna give up! Yeah, he'd done some really fucked up shit to Killua. He'd messed him up really bad.

And he'd always feel bad about that.

Maybe Killua had moved on, but Gon would never fully move on. Not until Killua understood. Not until he'd proven to Killua how much he meant. And that's what Gon was worth. No one cared about Killua as much as Gon did. They'd fought tooth and nail for this relationship, and Gon had earned his place at Killua's side! No one could take that place away from him. Not Ryder, not anybody.

Gon set his jaw, and glared up into Ryder's wild green eyes. The water pelted them, soaking their pajama pants and making their lips turn pale. "I love Killua," Gon declared, voice a storm of all consuming passion. "We've had our ups and downs, but I deserve Killua because Killua chose me. He wants me by his side, and I owe it to him to give him whatever he wants. I owe him the world, and I can't very well show him his worth if I'm out of his life, now can I?"

Ryder's glare faltered.

Gon Freecss possessed the strongest resolve of any person he'd ever encountered, or would encounter.

"So? You're not the only one who loves Killua," Ryder said through gritted teeth. Gon could smell the salt of his tears. "I love Killua too, so tell me why the hell you get to love him and I don't?!"

Gon looked Ryder dead in the eye. He gazed deeply into his soul, watching the emotion swirl about in the depths of those wild green orbs. He watched the tears mix with the shower water, and felt his arm tremble as he struggled to fight against Gon… to fight against Gon for Killua.

"You really care about Killua," Gon observed slowly. "You're the reason he's still with us today. And I thank you for that. Killua values you as a friend and I… understand why you love him. I understand more than anything.

Ryder broke away from Gon's gaze, choking back a sob and releasing the shorter male from his hold. "Yeah. I can tell how much you care about him, too." The Alien-hybrid took a deep breath. "I know Killua… I know he cares about you. A whole shit ton. It hurts but… I know that you're the best one for Killua. You're the only one who can make him truly happy."

Gon's heart fluttered in his chest.

Another… another person who said Killua returned his feelings.

Ryder flipped off the water, and wiped the droplets from his eyes. He placed his hand on Gon's shoulder, leaning down to speak near his ear. "I know I have no place getting between the two of you. I'll back off, alright? I just have one condition. You make him happy, 'kay? Don't fucking sit here making him wait on your ass. He doesn't deserve that. Fucking confess already."

Gon smiled. "Yeah. Alright."

Ryder sighed, patting Gon roughly on the shoulder as he exited the shower.

The horned male considered for a moment, and then turned around. "Hey, Ryder?"

"Hm?"

"You're not too bad."

Those green eyes blinked in shock, then crinkled up with a small smile. "Yeah, I guess I don't entirely hate you either. Dick Buddies?"

Gon blinked, "What?"

"Since we're both down over the same dick."

Gon snorted, his cheeks flushing a little. "Sure?"

Ryder gave him a tentative grin. "It's a done deal then. We cool?"

A tentative smile crossed Gon's face in turn. "Yeah. We're cool."