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EXT. DEL MAR CRAPPY HOMESTEAD
ENNIS waits for JACK expectantly. When JACK steps out of his truck, ENNIS pins his TRUELOVE to the wall and kisses him frantically.
JACK
Last time we met each other you rejected my genuine love and caring and punched me in the jaw; now you are kissing me frantically. What does that mean?
ENNIS
At the cost of four full years of mourns and regrets, I finally understand that my love for you is powerful and almighty. I'm more mature now, really.
JACK
(dry laughter)
Ha ha, you think you are so big now, taking me like that. Do you really believe that you are NOT the only one here who is sexually and emotionally frustrated?
ENNIS
(disappointed)
I am?
JACK
(sighs, resigned)
No, not really.
ALMA
(jealous and pissed)
Of course he isn't. Count me in.
ENNIS
I'm leaving, Alma, with this guy whom I was actually thinking about when I was fucking you. We are not going to do anything wife-wise offensive, seriously.
ALMA
That's very convincing. I will allow you two to go because I'm a self-tormenting woman in the 60's. I understand many things now, including why you yelled "Jack" when you came last time.
ENNIS
(sweating)
You heard wrong, Alma. Trust me.
JACK
I know I should be pleased, but for some reason I'm not. Do you have children?
(hears baby cry)
I sense Paternal Bond and Responsibility. This is NOT good.
ENNIS
I have two girls. I can't live without them. Actually, they are more important to me than you are. You are fucked. Ha!
JACK
(defeated)
Sure enough. I hate the fact that I'm desperately in love with you.
ENNIS
Whatever. I believe there's a need for a well-publicized display of our private emotional and physical bond.
JACK
As you wish.
They DO.
EXT. RANDOM VACATION LOCATION
JACK
(dreamy)
I want to live my life with you, Ennis. Run away with me, will you?
ENNIS
Uh, I don't think so.
JACK
(exasperated)
What? Why not?
ENNIS
My good-for-nothing life is too promising (Oscar-wise) to be abandoned. Besides, I heard this creepy tale that folks like us got beaten up. In Wyoming.
FILM CRITICS
Oh! OH! This movie is a CLASSIC! The family! The tragedy! The romance! The dilemma! And, above all, the GODDAMN SOCIETY!
JACK
(sweating)
Oh.
(pause)
Then let's move to somewhere we won't be surrounded by assholes. Like San Francisco. Or Mexico.
ENNIS
Mexico?
JACK
Yeah, Mexico; I know a place, a perfect spot, where we can earn a living and live happily ever after, just like…uh, Romeo and Juliet.
(pause)
We will be safe and sound, I promise.
ENNIS
(shrugs)
I can't. I'm an asshole, too.
They DEPART and go on living their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for a decade. But now ENNIS and JACK see their TRUELOVES on a regular basis. Once a year.
INT. AND EXT. WYOMING—RANDOM LOCATION
JACK
Decades pass like seconds. Actually, the make-up on my face is so poorly managed that I have barely aged.
ENNIS
And it's just lucky that we don't lead, according to the implications of this movie, an explicitly unhealthy, violent and immoral life even though excessive drinking, smoking and fighting are such an integral part of it.
INT. DEL MAR CRAPPY HOMESTEAD
ALMA
I can tolerate you cheating on me.
(pause)
No I can't. You are fired!
ENNIS
Crap. Can't you interpret that the relationship between Jack and me as merely a special kind of friendship?
ALMA
I don't care. You fuck him on a regular basis and I can't stand that. Speaking of fucking, will you fuck me before you stop fucking me for good?
ENNIS
Will do.
They DO.
SENTIMENTALS (REGARDLESS OF GENDER) IN THE AUDIENCE
(absorbed, speechless)
SEXUAL CONSERVATIVES IN THE AUDIENCE
(sickened, suffering)
Too…much…violent…fucking…must…not…vomit…
FILM CRITICS
Oh, will you just look at that? The combination of fucking and the collapse of a traditional marriage! Boy, this movie has total-Oscar-worthiness written on its screen!
ALMA
Is there a reason why you want more money-eating children and refuse to use precautions?
ENNIS
None particularly, and actually this behavior alone makes me a bigger asshole. But we have to find an excuse to end our marriage, don't we?
EXT. DEL MAR CRAPPY RANCH HOUSE
JACK
(grinning like a loser)
Ennis!
ENNIS
(horrified)
What the hell are you doing here?
JACK
(fails to notice, still grinning like a loser)
I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible. I have this well-crafted scheme in which we can live together, undisturbed.
ENNIS
I can't. I've got two one-dimensional characters in my truck.
JACK
You mean your Pieces of Family Value Symbolism?
#1 PIECE OF FAMILY VALUE SYMBOLISM
Daddy, who the fuck is that?
#2 PIECE OF FAMILY VALUE SYMBOLISM
The fucking jackass from the movie November Spy, nitwit.
JACK
That's October Sky, stupid kid.
(turns to ENNIS)
So, you can't come?
ENNIS
No. I'd rather stay with my Pieces of Family Value Symbolism.
JACK
Can they come with us?
ENNIS
No. That is too damn sweet for this bleak, tragic movie.
JACK
(annoyed)
Can I stay, then? Even just for a while?
ENNIS
With all due respect, Mr. Twist, you are strongly advised to leave this face of land immediately.
JACK
(pleading, on the verge of tears)
Don't do this to us, Ennis; I love you.
ENNIS
Technically you can stay, but you must have the ability to tolerate my Pieces of Family Value Symbolism. Which I doubt.
#1 PIECE OF FAMILY VALUE SYMBOLISM
Hey, you are also that fucking twerp from the movie The Day after Tomorrow! I remember that movie; it embarrassed me so much that I walked out of the theatre with my head in a brown paper bag. You hate civilization, I can tell; or else why do you burn tons of books to keep yourself warm when there is wooden furniture everywhere?
JACK
(annoyed)
You are damn right; I can't stand them.
FILM CRITICS
Oh my gosh…this is totally moving…solely because it brings Family Values into play…OSCAR FOR JAKE GYLLENHAAL!
JACK is forced away. On his way home, he bursts into tears. THE AUDIENCE feels very sorry for him. But then JACK decides to take revenge on ENNIS by going to MEXICO. Soon he walks off with a PROSTITUTE. THE AUDIENCE is perplexed.
THE AUDIENCE
Is that supposed to be tragic or something?
DIRECTOR ANG LEE
You bet.
THE AUDIENCE
Is that why I'm feeling awfully sorry for the poverty Mexico is under and the prostitute who is condemned to such a lowly life?
DIRECTOR ANG LEE
Wrong object of sympathy. Shit.
JACK and ENNIS go on their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for some years.
To be continued...
