A message from the author, Baum: Thank you all for reading and the wonderful reviews! By the way, who wants to see some never-before-seen Deleted Scenes?
EXT. RANDOM VACATION MOUNTAINS
JACK
(accusatory)
Sometimes I miss you so much that I can hardly stand it.
ENNIS
No, I can't move to Mexico, or anywhere where we won't suffer hostility and discrimination
JACK
(exasperated)
Now what's the problem? You don't have family commitments—
ENNIS
I have my Pieces of Family Value Symbolism to support.
JACK
Logically, do you think that the geographical distance from your children means more financial support?
ENNIS
Uh…
JACK
Even if you stay there, you can see them only ONCE a month. On the other hand, if we move somewhere else together, you can still see them once a month by driving for, say, 14 hours while we can be together continuously in a merrier place.
ENNIS
Uh…
JACK
Aren't you sad because you are not living with me?
ENNIS
Yeah, but…
JACK
So if you are so sad because you are not living with me (which makes me and the audience sad, too), why don't you do what we want to do – live together? What, exactly, is the obstacle deterring you from getting what you really want?
ENNIS
Because…because I don't know.
JACK
(exasperated)
What do you mean by "you don't know"?
ENNIS
I don't know I'm in love with you.
JACK
(exasperated)
WHAT! You kissed and fucked me like that and you don't know you are in love with me! Don't tell me you did that out of lust.
ENNIS
I, uh…
JACK
(exasperated, on the verge of tears)
YOU DID THAT OUT OF LUST!
ENNIS
Look, I really love you, but we are in the 80's now, okay? "Homosexuality study" is much less popular now so of course I don't know my sexual tendency.
JACK
(desperate, crying)
Ennis, counting from the first moment we met, you have twenty years –TWENTY YEARS – to study your heart! Even the dumbest human being with little intuitive sense of romance should know the truth when they are in love – I mean, even penguins know that!
ENNIS
Fine! My point is, we have to act as if we are really pathetic, all right? Or else where is the Oscar movie that makes the audience cry like hell?
JACK
And so what! You are so mean and uncaring and desolate that you never appreciate the fact that for you someone is willing to give up anything he has!
ENNIS
Bah! But it appears you messed up your own rotten life! Face it, Jack! You have been a screaming homosexual since the moment you were born! Or else why did you approach that rodeo clown and why did you have to let off some steam in Mexico? I'm the victim here; my restrains clearly demonstrate that I'm not gay except when I'm with you!
JACK
(crying and screaming in a 19-yeal-old voice with a supposed 40-year-old face)
Messed my own life…You - you are too much for me, Ennis! I wish I knew how to quit you, you arrogant twit!
ENNIS
You can't; you are desperately in love with me, remember?
JACK
CRAP!
ENNIS
Despite knowing that, I'm still very upset. I wish you knew how to, you effeminate nightmare!
SENTIMENTALS IN THE AUDIENCE
(crying uncontrollably)
HOMOPHOBES IN THE AUDIENCE
(passing out)
JACK
(crying uncontrollably)
ENNIS
Hey, I'm the one who got fucked up! Why are you crying?
JACK
(crying uncontrollably)
Quiet! Can't you see I'm overcome by the huge sadness and grief that is drawn upon me and the audience?
ENNIS
Just because you and the audience desire something that is tragically forever beyond your reach?
JACK
(crying uncontrollably)
No, because this doesn't make sense!
ENNIS
You mean you falling in love with me?
JACK
(crying uncontrollably)
No, but the entire movie! Where is the plot? And why does everything – including our decisions -- seem so random and isolated!
ENNIS
This is an emotional movie. It is designed only to manipulate the lachrymal glands of the eyes of the audience. Don't try to apply the laws of humanity or physics here.
JACK
(crying uncontrollably)
Then that REALLY sucks!
ENNIS
Then, why don't you let me fuck you for the last time so that we can distract the audience from what is really important?
JACK
(defeated, still crying)
This is absurd! Believe me, Ennis, someday you will regret so much for behaving like a genuine irrational coward that you will cry your heart out on my grave.
ENNIS
Speaking of which, how will you die, specifically? I mean, will it be a really an accident, or will you be killed by people who hate homosexuals? And if it's a murder, how will people find out that you are a homosexual? Is it because people hear you want to move away with Randall? And does it mean you will finally decide to ditch me? And how come I will not be the least affected by knowing this when that Appalling Old-Country-Man Stereotype tells me what happened?
DIRECTOR ANG LEE
Enough of rationality! Shut up and cling on each other desperately.
FADE OUT, ROLL CREDITS. THE AUDIENCE feels so sorry for JACK and ENNIS that they begin to give this movie more OSCARS.
FILM CRITICS
Whoa! This film is absolutely amazing! It has all the essential elements required to be an Oscar movie: tortured characters, forbidden love, unhappy marriages, sad endings, lavish landscapes, weird dialogues, hostile society…and, most of all, THE CONFUSION CAUSED IN THE AUDIENCE! OSCAR FOR ANG LEE!
THE AUDIENCE
Not the confusion in us, but rather the confusion in understanding the film, mostly. Hold on; did you guys give this movie Oscars because it confuses you?
FILM CRITICS
Of course not. During half of the screen time I was trying to justify our bribes taken from those anti-Bush social activists; how can I be ever confused in my purpose of giving Oscars to this movie?
THE AUDIENCE
Ah, anti-Bush? All is well, then. Did you see that video clip featuring him? That was hilarious.
The End
(Okay, who wants to see the deleted scenes?)
