Disclaimer – I still do not own any of these characters.
a/n – Sorry that it's been so long between updates but I hope it's worth the wait for everyone who's reading along. And as always, I want to say thanks to those who have stuck with the story and has been nice enough to leave reviews. And to anyone who's interested, please feel free to e-mail me. I'd love to hear from you guys...
- x –
As soon as the alarm went off and intruded into the fuzzy world of her dreams, Emma knew that something was wrong.
Well, maybe not wrong exactly, but something was definitely different.
She could sense it, even though her vision wasn't all that clear when she first opened her eyes and reached to slam the alarm off. Her bed was the same as it always was, with its blue plaid sheets and green comforter, and she could hear water running in the kitchen above her, the usual morning sounds that always filled the house. Her eyes might be blurry, but the bright red digital numbers on the clock read 7 AM, just as they did every school morning.
It was all very normal, very boring.
Yet, as Emma yawned and rubbed at her eyes, she could tell that something was different today, that everything was not as normal as it appeared. She could feel it all through her body, like a fever or an electric shock.
Still, when she turned over and found herself face to face with Sean, who was yawning and scratching at his head, looking sleepy and adorable, Emma wasn't prepared. She had to bite her tongue to keep herself from screaming.
Now, this was definitely not normal, waking up beside Sean in her pajamas. But then again, so much in her life these days was not normal, so maybe she should have expected this.
She could remember being surprised when he showed up at her window last night. She could remember being nervous -- and excited -- when she invited him in. She could remember flipping off the lights to show him her glow-in- the dark stars, how her room had seemed like another world then. She could even remember lying beside him in her bed, looking into his eyes, touching his hair, and feeling like her heart would never stop beating so fast.
Emma could remember all of that, no problem.
But somehow, she couldn't quite figure out how they'd wound up under the covers together, dreaming next to one another like they did it every night.
Sean smiled at her shyly, and rubbed at his eyes.
"Guess we fell asleep," he said, still sounding out of it.
He rubbed at his eyes harder, and finally seemed to realize where he was. Emma watched as he sprang up in bed, and looked around the room wildly.
"I'm sorry, Emma. I didn't mean ... I didn't want to –"
"It's okay," she said quietly. "It's not big deal. It's not like... You know, nothing happened or anything..."
God, even she thought that she sounded lame. Fortunately Sean seemed too embarrassed himself to notice that Emma was babbling like an idiot. He moved to the end of the bed, and bent down to put his shoes on. His t- shirt was all wrinkled, and his hair was a mess. But despite the strangeness of the situation, she couldn't remember him ever looking so good.
"I should get outta here," Sean said, turning to look at her over his shoulder. "Before your parents come down ... or whatever."
Emma nodded. "Yeah. Yes. You should."
Apparently, she couldn't stop herself from talking stupidly as she sat there, so she stood up and forced herself to get ready for school.
Don't panic, she told herself again and again. Nothing had happened. Nothing would happen.
When she finished picking out clothes from her dresser, Emma turned to find Sean watching her. His ski cap was back in place, and he looked almost guilty, avoiding her eyes.
"Like I said, Emma, I didn't mean to, you know, make you uncomfortable or anything. I didn't do this on purpose."
She nodded again, knowing that he was telling the truth. It hadn't been planned or even hoped for. It had just happened. Like their meeting in the park. There was no logical explanation for why they kept being drawn together. Everything that had held them together in the past was gone, over. It was all ancient history.
Wasn't it?
Just like the night before, Emma's heart pounded wildly in her chest. She forced herself to ignore it, taking a deep breath.
"And like I said, it's not a big deal," she told Sean.
They looked at one another, neither believing that. She started to twist the t-shirt that she planned to wear today into a tight spiral. Sean looked down at the floor, kicking the tip of his shoe against the faded tiles.
It hit her then that if she had that moment last night to live over again, if she could have planned the whole thing, she would have. She was seriously losing her mind.
"You know, if you really think about it," Emma started to say, not really understanding where the words were coming from. "It was almost a good thing."
Sean looked up, stunned.
"I mean, neither of us has been sleeping well lately, and at least we got a good night's sleep for once."
She felt so incredibly stupid, and wished that she could just crawl into bed and pull the covers over head. Maybe Sean would be gone by the time she dragged herself out. But he smiled then, almost like he was flirting. He took a step toward her, though there was still a safe distance between them.
"What?" he asked. "I'm your cure for insomnia or something?"
She smiled despite her embarrassment.
"Maybe." She tossed a pillow at him playfully. "But apparently I'm yours too."
He nodded, still smiling. "Can't argue with what works."
Above them, the floor creaked, and kitchen cabinets opened and closed. The door to the basement opened, and Emma could hear Jack crying, the sound of the microwave going.
"Em! Are you up yet?" her mother called. "You're gonna be late, honey."
Emma ran to the foot of the stairs frantically.
"I'm up, Mom," she yelled back, afraid her mother would come down and find Sean there with her, see her messy bed where two people had clearly slept. Her mother would totally get the wrong idea, would blow the whole thing out of proportion. (Nothing had happened, Emma kept telling herself. Nothing.) "I'm up! I'm up!"
When she turned back, Sean had moved over the window, clearly worried himself.
"I really gotta get out of here," he whispered.
She nodded, watching as he climbed up on the crates to reach the window. Just as he was about to go through, though, Sean turned back and looked at Emma.
"You usually keep this thing open?" he asked. He tapped his fist against the window frame.
He looked a bit nervous, almost vulnerable, like she had to power to blow him to pieces with the wrong words or expression.
"Most of the time," she said, trying to pretend that she didn't know why he was asking, that it was just an innocent question. Her stomach did that annoying flip-flop thing that it often seemed to do with Sean around.
He nodded, biting his lip. "Good to know."
When he disappeared through the window without saying another word, Emma tried not to feel disappointed. Finally alone, she still couldn't seem to process what had happened. It almost made her dizzy to even try.
And even though she was going to be late, even though she still had to shower and get dressed and eat breakfast, Emma threw herself down in her bed and buried her face in her pillow, trying to block out the world. It only made matters worse, though, because she thought that she could smell the soap that Sean used on it, all over her sheets actually.
When her mother called down to her again, she finally dragged herself out of bed, and repeated her mantra for the day.
Nothing happened. Nothing at all happened.
- x –
As far as substitutes went, Craig thought, Mr. Gursky really wasn't too bad.
He seemed to accept that he wasn't really their teacher, and didn't try to pretend that he was by being a total tight-ass. He was laidback, just following the lesson plan that Simpson had left without trying to teach what he didn't really understand.
After all, when he'd shown up in the MI lab the first day, he'd told them, "What I know about computers and the media wouldn't fill a paper cup. You guys are going to have to teach me."
Craig could respect that.
Right now, Gursky was pretty much letting them do independent study, working on the research projects that Simpson had assigned before he'd gone out sick. Craig watched Gursky at his desk, where he was reading one of Simpson's books on HTML. The guy was certainly trying, Craig thought.
Suddenly, Gursky dropped the book, and rubbed at his chin, looking lost in thought.
"Hey guys, listen up," he said, moving to lean against the front of the desk. "I was just thinking... I know you guys are working on individual projects but some of you are working on similar topics. It might be a good idea to get together and compare research. You guys could save time that way, and learn to work cooperatively as well."
Like a car crash that he could see coming but just couldn't find a way to avoid, Craig saw the danger signs immediately. He buried his face in his hands, but Gursky was already reading the overlapping projects off Simpson's list.
"Paige, Hazel, and Terri are all working on fashion related topics. Maybe you can help each other out. Gavin and Jimmy are both researching the sports media... you guys might want to have a little chat." Gursky looked up, smiling. "Oh, and my personal favorite ... it's what I would have done my project on ... Craig, Ellie, and Ashley are all working on music related topics. Rock on, guys."
Craig would have rolled his eyes – one more old guy trying to be hip – if his entire life wasn't flashing in front of his eyes. Ashley was going to kill him; he was sure of it.
"Why don't you take the rest of the period to compare notes," Gursky said. "See if you've got any problems that you can help each other out with."
When Craig glanced over his shoulder to where Ellie and Ashley sat, he saw that the seat next to Ellie was empty. He let out a deep breath. Ellie looked a little bored, as if she were ready to fall asleep, but that he could deal with. Ash and all her rage -- that was another story.
Maybe he wasn't totally cursed.
"She's out sick today," Ellie said, as if reading his mind. "Though I can bet that if Ash was here, she'd be feeling pretty sick right now anyway."
"Hey, it's not my fault," Craig said defensively. "It's Gursky's idea, not mine."
Ellie shrugged, seeming rather indifferent to the whole thing. She leaned her head against her hand, and sighed. The way that she was looking at him made Craig feel like he was nothing, less than nothing, like she was staring into empty air.
It was just yesterday that he'd felt like he was making some progress with her, as if she might actually be starting to tolerate his presence in the world. She'd been so good with Angie in the park, and it seemed like she'd had fun... with him. She'd actually had a good time with him. Didn't that count for something, he asked himself. Hadn't he shown her that he was the lowest form of life on the planet?
Now it seemed like he was back at square one, but he couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong in the past twenty-four hours.
"So do you want to at least try to help each other out?" Ellie asked. She tapped her pen against the table, waiting.
That was better than nothing, Craig thought. At least they weren't back on at the stage where Ellie couldn't stand looking at him.
He nodded, and moved into Ashley's empty seat.
"What're you working on?" Ellie asked. She wasn't looking at him, staring at her computer screen as if it contained all the secrets of the universe. With her eyes lined in black, they looked so big and
She really was pretty; he didn't know why he hadn't noticed that before.
"I'm going old school," he told her. "A Dylan retrospective kind of thing."
Ellie actually turned to look at him, and smiled. She didn't say anything but Craig was encouraged. He babbled on.
"I mean, it may not be the most obvious choice, but in my humble opinion, one of the greatest albums of all time is ... "
To Craig's surprise, Ellie spoke at the same time as him, both of them saying, "'Blood on the Tracks.'"
For a moment, they just looked at one another, almost surprised. Then, they broke into laughter.
"Since you like it so much, I won't tell you that Ash spent about three weeks with 'Idiot Wind' on repeat after you guys broke up. Wouldn't want to ruin the song for you or anything..."
She smiled coyly, clearly teasing him.
"I couldn't blame her if she did," he said. "It is the best breakup song ever written. 'Go Your Own Way' coming in a close second.'"
Ellie nodded. "I can't argue with that."
They smiled at one another, amused. They both seemed to realize then that they were in a crowded classroom. Paige looked at them over her shoulder for a minute, and Jimmy and Spinner were watching them, clearly amused. Ellie seemed to close up again, frowning and absently flipping through her notebook.
"So are you having any problems with the project?" she asked, all-business. "I mean, that's what we're here for, right?"
Craig nodded.
"I've got Dylan's bio covered," he told her. "But I wanted to get some clips from a couple of songs. Not the obvious stuff, though. Something not as played out. I haven't had any real luck."
Ellie smiled again then, pleased. Craig wished that he knew what he'd done to get that response from her. It almost felt like a gift.
"You are in luck," she said, opening up her web browser and typing quickly.
Craig didn't look at the screen as Ellie worked; instead he watched her. There was a kind of quiet confidence about her that other people didn't seem to have. He'd heard the rumors around school about her, how she'd gone through a rough time and tied to cope by hurting herself, but Ellie was one of the few people he knew who seemed comfortable with who she was. She didn't care if the rest of the school accepted it or not. Ellie Nash simply was who she was.
He was in awe of that. Craig always seemed to be worried about what other people thought. This whole thing with Ellie was the prime example. If he didn't care so much what the girls at Degrassi thought of him, if they liked him or not, he wouldn't even be trying to win Ellie over. Right?
That was what he thought when the whole thing started anyway. Now, Craig wasn't quite so sure.
"Here." Ellie handed him the headphones connected to her computer. "Listen to this."
He put the headphones on, and concentrated. When he realized what he was listening to, Craig smiled.
"'Love Minus Zero/No Limit," he said, almost amazed. "A live version. This is ... incredible."
Ellie smiled. "It's one of my favorites."
Craig listened for a minute longer, taking the song in. When he realized that Ellie was watching him carefully, trying to follow the song based only on his reaction, he took off the headphones, and held them between their seats.
"Listen with me," he said.
She looked at him closely, almost as if she was searching him for any sign of danger. She must not have found any because she nodded, and moved slightly closer to Craig.
They both leaned in then, their heads almost touching, and listened to the song together. If he didn't know any better, Craig would have thought that his heart was beating double time in his chest. But that was obviously crazy.
He was only listening to a song. With Ellie. Why would that make him nervous?
Gursky passed by, checking up on everyone's progress.
"Good tunes?" he asked, sounding like he was hundred years old, not thirty.
Ellie looked at Craig, rolling her eyes. He couldn't stop himself from laughing.
With the blue glare from the computer screen on her face, Ellie laughed too, and to Craig, it sounded even better than Dylan and his rapsy voice.
- x –
All day long, Emma's hands seemed to be shaking, as if she was fighting off some kind of excitement or nervousness that couldn't be controlled. She felt a wildness inside herself, something that was trying to get out despite her efforts to contain it. Now, as she tried to open her locker, her fingers kept slipping off the lock.
It was really starting to drive her insane.
Before Emma could try one more time, someone reached over her shoulder and covered her eyes with a warm hand. For a moment the craziness inside her almost made sense, in some bizarre, twisted way. She wished that she could stop time, and just live in that one moment forever.
"Guess who?" the person asked. As soon as she heard the voice, the excitement inside her seemed to change to something else. Fear.
She just hoped that Chris wouldn't be able to tell.
Emma pulled his hand away slowly, and turned to smile up at him.
"Hey you," she said.
He leaned in to kiss her cheek, but Emma turned her head so their lips met.
She wanted to believe that if she threw herself in this moment with Chris that the wildness and fear would just fade away. She wanted to feel something with him now, something to remind her that whatever had happened (hadn't happened, she corrected herself) between her and Sean last night wasn't real, didn't mean anything, that it wasn't right, not like her relationship with Chris.
"Somebody's in a good mood," Chris said, as they pulled apart.
Emma lowered her head, feeling herself blush.
"For the first time in a long while, I don't feel totally exhausted. That's reason to celebrate, I think."
"Well, a good night's sleep will do that for ya."
Emma's head snapped up, searching Chris' eyes for some kind of hidden meaning. There was no way that he could possibly know, she thought frantically. There was no way anyone could know. She wasn't about to go around confessing, and she knew that Sean never would.
But nothing had happened anyway. Nothing had happened at all.
When she saw that Chris was smiling down at her kindly, she knew that he was only making small talk, simple, harmless conversation. Relief flooded her, and she nodded, smiling.
"I did get a solid eight hours last night," she said, trying to act normal. Trying to act like his girlfriend.
Chris leaned in closer to her, shaking his head. "You look amazin'," he whispered. "All this sleep must be agreein' with you."
She smiled despite the guilt that she felt. Block all the rest of it out, she told herself. Just focus on Chris. He deserves that much at least.
And her efforts must have made an impact on him because Chris backed her up against her locker, hugging her to him tightly. Emma closed her eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath.
All around them, she knew the hall was crowded with kids. When she opened her eyes, she could see JT and Toby over Chris' shoulder, watching them intently. JT made a kissy face at her, like a bratty little kid would. She was about to stick her tongue out at him, feeling as stupid and immature as JT but not really caring, but before she could react, Emma saw the crowds in the hallway seem to break apart, and Sean push his way through.
With Ellie. Holding hands with Ellie.
Like he should be, Emma told herself. They're a couple. Like Chris and I. That's the way things are supposed to be.
Sean and I are nothing. Just nothing.
Before he and Ellie disappeared down the hall, Sean looked over at Emma, giving her the same nervous expression that she knew must be on her face. He looked like he wanted to acknowledge her, give her some sign or message, but didn't know how. Emma could feel the wildness inside her again, burning to get out.
Sean turned back to Ellie finally, smiling at her as they turned the corner.
The hallway seemed emptier now, darker and quieter too. Emma closed her eyes again, and hugged Chris back even tighter.
