Disclaimer – I will never, ever own these characters.
a/n – As always, thanks to everyone who's reading the story and taking the time to review. You guys are the best readers that a fan fic writer could ask for. :) And extra special thanks to those who took the time to send e- mails. Hope you all like this latest installment.
- x -
If Emma was sure of anything these days, it was that nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be. That was the one thing she could count on.
It was Saturday afternoon, so there were no boring classes to sit through, no complicated homework assignments to finish, no hallways jammed with tons of people to avoid, and still Emma felt like she was doing hard time in prison. The house, her home, which had always seemed like a haven to her, a warm safe place where her mother would be able to fix all her problems, just like when she was a little kid and her scraped knees would be kissed better and covered with band aids, had become dark and claustrophobic.
Now it was just one more place where Emma felt like she couldn't really be herself. Things only seemed to be getting worse as the days went on, and she felt like she'd just given up, given in, because for the past two weeks, she felt like she was leading multiple lives, playing different roles just to make things easier for everyone.
For everyone but herself really.
There was her life here at home, where she had to face cancer and death on a daily basis, where she tried to will Snake better with the sheer force of her faith and prayers alone, where she worked hard to be a good daughter and big sister, where she forced herself to put all her personal concerns and problems on hold.
Then there was her life at school, where she'd been forcing herself to be cheerful and enthusiastic, making everyone think that she was the most diligent student, the most conscientious environmentalist, the most devoted girlfriend. Every morning, she plastered a big smile on her face, and kept it there for as long as she could stomach it, as long as it didn't drive her insane. No one suspected anything (well, almost no one... there was one person had a pretty good idea what was going on with her). Chris seemed happier. JT, Toby, and Liberty seemed more comfortable being around her. She was the Emma that everyone expected her to be.
And even though it all felt so fake to her, hollow and empty, Emma did it without complaining because it was the only thing that would lessen the guilt that she felt. Because ...
Finally, there was her private life, where she was completely herself – good, bad, or ugly. This was her time spent with Sean.
During the past couple of weeks, they'd seen each other almost every night. Sean would show up at her window, usually pretty late, and if he saw that her light was on and that she was alone, he'd let himself in. She hadn't told him, but she'd started sleeping with the lights on so that she wouldn't miss him.
Sometimes, the anticipation of the night was the only thing that got Emma through the day.
Some nights, they'd read or do homework, working independently but both sitting on Emma's bed, never far from one another. Other times, they'd talk, -- about how Snake was doing, how Tracker liked his new job and apartment, how Emma's mother was holding up, what a jerk Raditch was being about one thing or another.
Most nights, though, they'd just lie in bed and look up at Emma's glow-in- the-dark stars. She'd put on music, soft stuff that Sean would tease her about but didn't seem to mind that much, and they wouldn't say a word to one another. In those moments, Emma felt like their hearts were beating in synch, like they were breathing in and out at the same time. It always soothed her, made her feel like things weren't as bad as they seemed.
The first couple of times that he came over, Sean was careful to leave before it got too late. It was almost as if he was afraid of overstepping boundaries, of making Emma uncomfortable. More and more often now, though, he was spending the night, falling asleep beside her under the blankets, waking with her in the morning when the alarm went off and heading home to get ready for school. Somehow, her mother never caught them, probably too caught up in real problems to worry about Emma.
Now it was almost normal, like a routine, as if it was something that she and Sean had done forever.
But, as Emma reminded herself constantly, nothing had really happened between them. There were no kisses, no hand holding even, no cuddling or anything. Sometimes in the course of the night, they'd wind up so close to one another that Emma could feel Sean's breath on her face, but that was all.
The other day, just as they were about to fall asleep, Sean had shifted in bed, and his arm had brushed against Emma's waist. He'd pulled it away immediately, almost like he'd been burned, but she'd still looked away, feeling like they'd committed a crime.
"What are we doing?" Emma asked him.
"I don't know," he'd whispered back, after a minute. "But this is the only time I can shut out all the crap in my life and just ... be."
She'd nodded in the dark, knowing that he was speaking for her as well.
Last night, he hadn't stayed over. There had been too much commotion in the house. Above them, Jack had been screaming out his tears for most of the night, and later, Snake was gasping in the kitchen, sounding like he was puking his guts out from the chemo.
Later still, after Sean had gone, it had only gotten worse – near 3 AM, Emma had heard her mother in the kitchen, bawling her eyes out. She'd wanted to go up and comfort her mother, tell her something that would make it all better, but Emma knew that there weren't any magic words to share. Her mother had a right to feel like the world was coming to and end, and a right to let that feeling out. Emma couldn't interfere.
Now, it was Saturday afternoon, and instead of going to the mall and doing some heavy duty retail therapy, or hanging out with her boyfriend, Emma was about to crawl back into bed, exhausted, for an afternoon nap. She'd had to run errands for her mother all morning -- grocery shopping, picking up Snake's prescriptions at the drug store, taking Jack to the park -- and now she could barely keep her eyes open.
She pulled back the blankets, and slid underneath, wishing that she could wake up sometime next month, maybe next year, whenever all of this would be over and her life would be her own again.
Emma had closed her eyes, and started to drift off when she heard the click of the basement window being pushed open, then the soft bang of it falling shut again. At first she thought that she was just dreaming, but when she opened her eyes, Sean stood at the foot of bed, smiling shyly.
"I guess this isn't the best time, huh?" he said, shaking his head.
She smiled back, then moved over in bed so there was room for him, and held the blankets open in invitation.
Right now, Emma was too tired to feel guilty.
- x –
His timing had always sucked, but Sean felt particularly crappy about waking Emma up in the middle of her nap. He knew firsthand that she wasn't getting too much sleep lately, and she really needed to catch up or she was going to collapse one of these days. As soon as he saw her lying there in bed, he was ready to turn and leave, but she opened her eyes before he could and when she moved over so there was room for him, there was no way he could refuse.
The truth was that he hadn't gotten much sleep last night either. After he'd left Emma's he'd gone home and tried, but he lay awake for most of the night, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life.
Before he'd been at Emma's, he'd gone to some coffee house with Ellie and some of her friends for open mike night. They hadn't performed, but there was some band they'd wanted to hear.
Sean felt so guilty about the whole Emma situation that he'd agreed to go along even though he really could stand the whiny, profound music that people always seemed to play in coffee houses. The whole time they were there, Ellie sat beside him, smiling, clearly enjoying the music and the fact that Sean was there with her, while he checked his watch every few minutes, wondering if he'd catch Emma before she fell asleep.
What the hell was wrong with him? Seriously. There were a million things that he loved about Ellie, and virtually nothing that he didn't. She was so pretty, smart too, and she couldn't care less what anyone thought of her. She dressed the way she wanted, talked the way she wanted, did what she wanted, and she let him do the same. Ellie never gave him trouble about Jay and the guys, though Sean knew that she thought they were losers and he shouldn't waste his time with them. She didn't get on his case when he slept through trig and failed all the pop quizzes. Ellie liked him for who he was; he never felt like she hoped he'd become something more, someone different. She didn't make him feel like he wasn't good enough. Not ever.
But – and this was the strange thing – there were still times when Sean was with Ellie that he felt like he was sleepwalking, that the world was a crazy, fucked up place and he'd gone completely numb. He didn't know how to tell her that, to tell anyone that really.
With Emma, he didn't have to say anything. She understood because she felt the same thing.
He told himself again and again that he wasn't cheating on Ellie because nothing had happened with Emma, and nothing would. He and Emma were just friends, like Ellie was with Marco. There was no need to explain the whole thing to her.
Yeah right... that was just the pathetic way that he justified it to himself, Sean knew. He could pretend all he wanted that nothing was going on, but sooner or later, someone was going to get hurt.
He just hoped that it was only him. He could deal with that. Emma and Ellie didn't deserve it.
Sean slid into bed beside Emma, keeping a careful distance from her like he always did. Her eyes were open, but it looked like she was going to drift off again very soon.
"Did things ever quiet down here last night?" he whispered.
It was obvious that she hadn't slept much the night before, but he wondered if something had happened to keep her awake. Part of him hoped that she hadn't been able to sleep just because he wasn't with her. There was something kind of amazing about the idea, that he might have that kind of power over her. That she might need him as badly as he had always needed her. Sean couldn't help liking that thought.
"Jack finally calmed down after my mom took him for a ride in the car," Emma said. "And Snake started to feel better around midnight and went to sleep. But..."
She tried to bury her face further into the pillow so he couldn't see her.
"What?"
"Later, after Jack and Snake both went to sleep, after she probably thought I was asleep too, I heard my mother upstairs in the kitchen..." Emma's voice was muffled by the pillow, but the pain in it was still clear. "She was crying. It was like three in the morning, and my mother was crying all alone at the kitchen and I didn't even go up to be with her. I just didn't know what to say, how to pretend that everything's going to turn out all right. I couldn't lie to her..."
Emma had lifted her face from the pillow, so Sean could see the tears that covered her cheeks. Just like she had felt last night with her mother, he couldn't think of a single thing to say to her. Nothing that wouldn't seem stupid or hollow. Instead, he reached out carefully, and rubbed her back. He hoped that would be good enough.
"You know, I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself," she said, after she'd caught her breath. "Because it's easier than dealing with what this is doing to her. How hard it is for her."
Sean moved closer, his head right beside hers on the pillow so their noses were almost touching. She reached out to hug him, burying her face in his chest. He could feel her shaking, and he felt completely useless because he couldn't do anything to make her feel better.
"It's not fair, Sean. It's not fair."
"It isn't, Em. It sucks."
She nodded against his chest.
"Finally, after so long, I have father. My mother has someone to love her. And we're a real family with Jack. Now we're going to lose all of it."
He patted her back as he held her because he still couldn't think of anything to say. He thought that he knew a little bit about how she felt since his own parents were MIA and his family was nonexistent. Emma was crying so steadily now that he could feel his shirt getting wet. He pulled back so he could look her in the eyes, and know that she was really hearing him.
"Whatever happens, Emma, you're gonna get through it. You're strong. So is your mom. You guys will find a way to get through it," he told her, and he believed what he was saying.
Emma shook her head, not believing him. Her face was red and streaked with tears. He tried to wipe some of them away, but they kept coming. Sean didn't know that he was going to kiss her until their lips touched, but it immediately felt right. Emma kissed him back, clinging to him like he was her lifeline.
It had never gone this far before. They'd always kept a safe distance, trying not to get too involved. They had an unspoken agreement not to mention Ellie or Chris when they were together, but they both knew that they had other commitments. They both knew that they were heading into dangerous territory.
When they pulled apart, neither of them seemed able to look at the other.
"Turn over," Sean said gruffly.
Emma did as she was told without putting up a fight. Her back was to him now, and he held her like that, his arm across her waist.
"We shouldn't be doing this," she whispered, almost like she was afraid to admit that anything was going on.
"We're not doing anything," Sean lied.
She was right of course – they were clearly asking for trouble – but it didn't seem to change the way that either of them felt.
"Go to sleep," he told her quietly.
She was too tired to fight with him, and less than five minutes later, he could tell that she'd fallen back to sleep. He was tired himself, but he just lay there, wide awake and wondering what he the hell he was going to do about all of this.
They couldn't go on this way for much longer. That much was obvious.
a/n – As always, thanks to everyone who's reading the story and taking the time to review. You guys are the best readers that a fan fic writer could ask for. :) And extra special thanks to those who took the time to send e- mails. Hope you all like this latest installment.
- x -
If Emma was sure of anything these days, it was that nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be. That was the one thing she could count on.
It was Saturday afternoon, so there were no boring classes to sit through, no complicated homework assignments to finish, no hallways jammed with tons of people to avoid, and still Emma felt like she was doing hard time in prison. The house, her home, which had always seemed like a haven to her, a warm safe place where her mother would be able to fix all her problems, just like when she was a little kid and her scraped knees would be kissed better and covered with band aids, had become dark and claustrophobic.
Now it was just one more place where Emma felt like she couldn't really be herself. Things only seemed to be getting worse as the days went on, and she felt like she'd just given up, given in, because for the past two weeks, she felt like she was leading multiple lives, playing different roles just to make things easier for everyone.
For everyone but herself really.
There was her life here at home, where she had to face cancer and death on a daily basis, where she tried to will Snake better with the sheer force of her faith and prayers alone, where she worked hard to be a good daughter and big sister, where she forced herself to put all her personal concerns and problems on hold.
Then there was her life at school, where she'd been forcing herself to be cheerful and enthusiastic, making everyone think that she was the most diligent student, the most conscientious environmentalist, the most devoted girlfriend. Every morning, she plastered a big smile on her face, and kept it there for as long as she could stomach it, as long as it didn't drive her insane. No one suspected anything (well, almost no one... there was one person had a pretty good idea what was going on with her). Chris seemed happier. JT, Toby, and Liberty seemed more comfortable being around her. She was the Emma that everyone expected her to be.
And even though it all felt so fake to her, hollow and empty, Emma did it without complaining because it was the only thing that would lessen the guilt that she felt. Because ...
Finally, there was her private life, where she was completely herself – good, bad, or ugly. This was her time spent with Sean.
During the past couple of weeks, they'd seen each other almost every night. Sean would show up at her window, usually pretty late, and if he saw that her light was on and that she was alone, he'd let himself in. She hadn't told him, but she'd started sleeping with the lights on so that she wouldn't miss him.
Sometimes, the anticipation of the night was the only thing that got Emma through the day.
Some nights, they'd read or do homework, working independently but both sitting on Emma's bed, never far from one another. Other times, they'd talk, -- about how Snake was doing, how Tracker liked his new job and apartment, how Emma's mother was holding up, what a jerk Raditch was being about one thing or another.
Most nights, though, they'd just lie in bed and look up at Emma's glow-in- the-dark stars. She'd put on music, soft stuff that Sean would tease her about but didn't seem to mind that much, and they wouldn't say a word to one another. In those moments, Emma felt like their hearts were beating in synch, like they were breathing in and out at the same time. It always soothed her, made her feel like things weren't as bad as they seemed.
The first couple of times that he came over, Sean was careful to leave before it got too late. It was almost as if he was afraid of overstepping boundaries, of making Emma uncomfortable. More and more often now, though, he was spending the night, falling asleep beside her under the blankets, waking with her in the morning when the alarm went off and heading home to get ready for school. Somehow, her mother never caught them, probably too caught up in real problems to worry about Emma.
Now it was almost normal, like a routine, as if it was something that she and Sean had done forever.
But, as Emma reminded herself constantly, nothing had really happened between them. There were no kisses, no hand holding even, no cuddling or anything. Sometimes in the course of the night, they'd wind up so close to one another that Emma could feel Sean's breath on her face, but that was all.
The other day, just as they were about to fall asleep, Sean had shifted in bed, and his arm had brushed against Emma's waist. He'd pulled it away immediately, almost like he'd been burned, but she'd still looked away, feeling like they'd committed a crime.
"What are we doing?" Emma asked him.
"I don't know," he'd whispered back, after a minute. "But this is the only time I can shut out all the crap in my life and just ... be."
She'd nodded in the dark, knowing that he was speaking for her as well.
Last night, he hadn't stayed over. There had been too much commotion in the house. Above them, Jack had been screaming out his tears for most of the night, and later, Snake was gasping in the kitchen, sounding like he was puking his guts out from the chemo.
Later still, after Sean had gone, it had only gotten worse – near 3 AM, Emma had heard her mother in the kitchen, bawling her eyes out. She'd wanted to go up and comfort her mother, tell her something that would make it all better, but Emma knew that there weren't any magic words to share. Her mother had a right to feel like the world was coming to and end, and a right to let that feeling out. Emma couldn't interfere.
Now, it was Saturday afternoon, and instead of going to the mall and doing some heavy duty retail therapy, or hanging out with her boyfriend, Emma was about to crawl back into bed, exhausted, for an afternoon nap. She'd had to run errands for her mother all morning -- grocery shopping, picking up Snake's prescriptions at the drug store, taking Jack to the park -- and now she could barely keep her eyes open.
She pulled back the blankets, and slid underneath, wishing that she could wake up sometime next month, maybe next year, whenever all of this would be over and her life would be her own again.
Emma had closed her eyes, and started to drift off when she heard the click of the basement window being pushed open, then the soft bang of it falling shut again. At first she thought that she was just dreaming, but when she opened her eyes, Sean stood at the foot of bed, smiling shyly.
"I guess this isn't the best time, huh?" he said, shaking his head.
She smiled back, then moved over in bed so there was room for him, and held the blankets open in invitation.
Right now, Emma was too tired to feel guilty.
- x –
His timing had always sucked, but Sean felt particularly crappy about waking Emma up in the middle of her nap. He knew firsthand that she wasn't getting too much sleep lately, and she really needed to catch up or she was going to collapse one of these days. As soon as he saw her lying there in bed, he was ready to turn and leave, but she opened her eyes before he could and when she moved over so there was room for him, there was no way he could refuse.
The truth was that he hadn't gotten much sleep last night either. After he'd left Emma's he'd gone home and tried, but he lay awake for most of the night, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life.
Before he'd been at Emma's, he'd gone to some coffee house with Ellie and some of her friends for open mike night. They hadn't performed, but there was some band they'd wanted to hear.
Sean felt so guilty about the whole Emma situation that he'd agreed to go along even though he really could stand the whiny, profound music that people always seemed to play in coffee houses. The whole time they were there, Ellie sat beside him, smiling, clearly enjoying the music and the fact that Sean was there with her, while he checked his watch every few minutes, wondering if he'd catch Emma before she fell asleep.
What the hell was wrong with him? Seriously. There were a million things that he loved about Ellie, and virtually nothing that he didn't. She was so pretty, smart too, and she couldn't care less what anyone thought of her. She dressed the way she wanted, talked the way she wanted, did what she wanted, and she let him do the same. Ellie never gave him trouble about Jay and the guys, though Sean knew that she thought they were losers and he shouldn't waste his time with them. She didn't get on his case when he slept through trig and failed all the pop quizzes. Ellie liked him for who he was; he never felt like she hoped he'd become something more, someone different. She didn't make him feel like he wasn't good enough. Not ever.
But – and this was the strange thing – there were still times when Sean was with Ellie that he felt like he was sleepwalking, that the world was a crazy, fucked up place and he'd gone completely numb. He didn't know how to tell her that, to tell anyone that really.
With Emma, he didn't have to say anything. She understood because she felt the same thing.
He told himself again and again that he wasn't cheating on Ellie because nothing had happened with Emma, and nothing would. He and Emma were just friends, like Ellie was with Marco. There was no need to explain the whole thing to her.
Yeah right... that was just the pathetic way that he justified it to himself, Sean knew. He could pretend all he wanted that nothing was going on, but sooner or later, someone was going to get hurt.
He just hoped that it was only him. He could deal with that. Emma and Ellie didn't deserve it.
Sean slid into bed beside Emma, keeping a careful distance from her like he always did. Her eyes were open, but it looked like she was going to drift off again very soon.
"Did things ever quiet down here last night?" he whispered.
It was obvious that she hadn't slept much the night before, but he wondered if something had happened to keep her awake. Part of him hoped that she hadn't been able to sleep just because he wasn't with her. There was something kind of amazing about the idea, that he might have that kind of power over her. That she might need him as badly as he had always needed her. Sean couldn't help liking that thought.
"Jack finally calmed down after my mom took him for a ride in the car," Emma said. "And Snake started to feel better around midnight and went to sleep. But..."
She tried to bury her face further into the pillow so he couldn't see her.
"What?"
"Later, after Jack and Snake both went to sleep, after she probably thought I was asleep too, I heard my mother upstairs in the kitchen..." Emma's voice was muffled by the pillow, but the pain in it was still clear. "She was crying. It was like three in the morning, and my mother was crying all alone at the kitchen and I didn't even go up to be with her. I just didn't know what to say, how to pretend that everything's going to turn out all right. I couldn't lie to her..."
Emma had lifted her face from the pillow, so Sean could see the tears that covered her cheeks. Just like she had felt last night with her mother, he couldn't think of a single thing to say to her. Nothing that wouldn't seem stupid or hollow. Instead, he reached out carefully, and rubbed her back. He hoped that would be good enough.
"You know, I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself," she said, after she'd caught her breath. "Because it's easier than dealing with what this is doing to her. How hard it is for her."
Sean moved closer, his head right beside hers on the pillow so their noses were almost touching. She reached out to hug him, burying her face in his chest. He could feel her shaking, and he felt completely useless because he couldn't do anything to make her feel better.
"It's not fair, Sean. It's not fair."
"It isn't, Em. It sucks."
She nodded against his chest.
"Finally, after so long, I have father. My mother has someone to love her. And we're a real family with Jack. Now we're going to lose all of it."
He patted her back as he held her because he still couldn't think of anything to say. He thought that he knew a little bit about how she felt since his own parents were MIA and his family was nonexistent. Emma was crying so steadily now that he could feel his shirt getting wet. He pulled back so he could look her in the eyes, and know that she was really hearing him.
"Whatever happens, Emma, you're gonna get through it. You're strong. So is your mom. You guys will find a way to get through it," he told her, and he believed what he was saying.
Emma shook her head, not believing him. Her face was red and streaked with tears. He tried to wipe some of them away, but they kept coming. Sean didn't know that he was going to kiss her until their lips touched, but it immediately felt right. Emma kissed him back, clinging to him like he was her lifeline.
It had never gone this far before. They'd always kept a safe distance, trying not to get too involved. They had an unspoken agreement not to mention Ellie or Chris when they were together, but they both knew that they had other commitments. They both knew that they were heading into dangerous territory.
When they pulled apart, neither of them seemed able to look at the other.
"Turn over," Sean said gruffly.
Emma did as she was told without putting up a fight. Her back was to him now, and he held her like that, his arm across her waist.
"We shouldn't be doing this," she whispered, almost like she was afraid to admit that anything was going on.
"We're not doing anything," Sean lied.
She was right of course – they were clearly asking for trouble – but it didn't seem to change the way that either of them felt.
"Go to sleep," he told her quietly.
She was too tired to fight with him, and less than five minutes later, he could tell that she'd fallen back to sleep. He was tired himself, but he just lay there, wide awake and wondering what he the hell he was going to do about all of this.
They couldn't go on this way for much longer. That much was obvious.
