Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada... I don't own them.
a/n: Big thanks to everyone who's still reading the story. I hope you all like this chapter – it was real challenge to write it, but I think I like the way it turned out. Let me know what you think.
- x -
It was amazing how the world could just crumble down around you in an instant, like a house of cards. That's all it had taken, Emma thought. One quick second, absorbing the words that her mother had said over the phone, and the ground seemed to fall out from beneath Emma's feet.
She held Sean's hand now as they walked, having no clue where they were going. She didn't even notice her surroundings, if they were walking on a busy street or in a quiet neighborhood. She just held Sean's hand, and trusted that he'd lead her the right way.
She felt guilty, practically forcing Sean to ditch class so she wouldn't be alone. It didn't get more selfish than that. What was wrong with her?
And when she'd been sitting outside the school, crying over the complete unfairness of life, how cruel it could be, it wasn't Chris who she wanted to – no, needed to – see. It had been Sean all along.
Sean, who had a girlfriend and more than enough problems of his own to deal with.
You couldn't get more screwed up than that.
They walked for what felt like a long time, though Emma had lost all sense of time too. When she finally came back to herself and looked around, they were in the ravine, with a bright blue sky overhead, warm sunshine streaming down, and beautiful green trees casting shadows all around.
She could still remember the last time that they were here together, how Sean had made her feel like they were the only two people left on the earth. Until, of course, the real world had come knocking, and Kendra stumbled upon them. She also couldn't forget everything that had happened afterward, the way Sean had walked away from her, angry and mean. There was a still a part of Emma that still hurt over all of it, even despite the way she and Sean were connecting these days.
Now she wanted to forget all of it, everything that made her ache inside, and even if the real world tried to intrude, Emma would ignore it, fight it off.
Sean coughed quietly, kicking at a pile of dry leaves.
"I thought this place would be nice and quiet," he said.
His voice was pitched low and soft, like he thought she had a headache. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't her head that ached, but her heart instead, like it had been smashed to pieces inside her chest. That would only make her remember, though, so instead she just watched Sean, as he scraped shapes in the dirt with the tip of his boot.
Emma knew that he remembered what had happened here before, and that he didn't want her to get the wrong idea about why he'd brought her here. But she could also see the sadness in his eyes, frustration at being so helpless, and it felt like reality had slapped her in the face.
Snake could be dying.
She'd known that for months now, worried over it everyday, but it had still seemed unreal, like a bad dream or something that was happening in a movie. Now it was a real, tangible possibility. Tomorrow morning, she could wake up and Snake could be gone. It was impossible to believe, to accept – that he could be here one day and then ... poof, just like that, be gone the next.
She sat down beneath a tall tree, where it was shady and cool. She felt like she'd fallen hard against the ground, almost like she'd collapsed. Sean sat down beside her, close enough that the side of his body was pressed tightly against hers.
That was exactly what she needed – to know that she wasn't alone, that someone understood.
And in that moment, Emma felt like the most horrible person in the world because her father was terribly sick, wasting away in a hospital bed, and all she could think about was the way Sean's lips had felt against hers on Saturday, when he'd kissed her in his bed and made her world seem bright again.
"All I want," she started to say, just as Sean put his arm around her and leaned his head against hers. "All I want is for someone to tell me that he's going to be okay, that he's going to pull through, and for it to be true. But whenever anyone says it, it just sounds so hollow and fake."
Sean nodded, his ski cap scratching against her forehead.
"Raditch said to me, 'Let me know if there's anything I can do,'" she told Sean. "And I know he was just trying to be nice, but I was so angry at him because there is nothing he can do. There's nothing anyone can do."
She felt tears begin to slip down her cheeks, hot and fast.
"There's nothing I can do either," she whispered. "For my mother, for Jack..."
"You don't have to do anything, Emma. You're allowed to just feel."
She sighed, shaking her head.
"I don't want to feel any of this."
Sean nodded. When he sat up and started to wipe away some of her tears, she felt a charge go through her. And when he leaned in to kiss her, Emma closed her eyes, and felt the rest of the world just slip away, all its pain and confusion, just like she'd wanted it to.
This is the only thing I want to feel, she thought. This is the only thing I want to be real.
Like he had all those months ago, Sean laid her down on the grass, and kissed her like it was the only thing he wanted to do in his life. She could feel of the weight of his body against hers, and it felt like he was blocking out everything that might hurt her, keeping her safe.
Right now, Degrassi's entire marching band and the spirit squad could parade through the ravine, and Emma wouldn't stop kissing him, touching him. She'd let them all watch, because she'd finally come to realize that she didn't give a damn what any of them thought.
They stopped for a moment to catch their breath. Sean looked down at her, wild-eyed and flushed. He brushed the hair out of Emma's face with a gentle hand, and sighed.
"I wish there was something I could do for you, Em," he whispered. "Something to make you stop hurting."
He'd never spoken to her like this to her before, so much pain and longing in his voice. In that moment, she didn't think that she could ever love someone more. She reached up to pull off his ski cap, tossing beside them in a pile of leaves.
"You can do this," she whispered back. She pulled him down again, so their lips were only inches apart. "This is all I need right now."
He nodded, smiling in a sad kind of way. When he kissed her again, she felt anything but sad.
Just like she'd wanted, the pain had fallen away. All Emma felt was Sean's hand, moving under her shirt, touching her back just above the waist of her jeans. She could feel the sunshine on her skin, warm and bright. She could taste him, salty and sweet at the same time.
Whatever pain was left over, Emma poured it into their kisses, until Sean was the only thing left in her world.
- x –
At lunch, Ellie sat at a table crowded with sad, silent people.
There were eight of them all together – Jimmy, Hazel, Paige, Spinner, JT, Marco, Ashley, and herself – and they all just looked at one another blankly, hoping that someone would finally have something to say, something to positive and hopeful.
Ellie hadn't been able to find Sean before lunch, which had worried her a bit. She told herself that it was probably nothing. Most likely, he was off somewhere with Jay and his gang, doing their whole stupid tough guys routine. Ellie had thought that Sean would want to be here, trying to think of a way to show their support to Emma and her family. She knew that Sean and Emma's relationship had been rocky from the start, and had ended about as badly as those things could, but times like this had a way of making all the stupid little things in life like high school break-ups and failed math tests seem even more petty. Sean would want to do something; Ellie was sure of it.
Because, as cold and tough as Sean Cameron seemed on the outside, underneath it all, he had a heart as warm and big as anyone's. That was one of the things that Ellie loved about him, how he could do some really sweet, thoughtful little thing at the precise moment that someone needed it most.
She really wished that Sean was here. He'd be able to make her feel better at least.
"Maybe we could take them some food," Spinner said, after a long while of no one talking. "Like casseroles or something. When my grandmother died, people dropped off like a ton of lasagna and tuna casserole and stuff."
Jimmy shrugged. "What's some lousy food gonna do to make them feel better?"
"Well..." Ellie said quietly. "I think the idea is to take care of all the stupid little worries they might have, like what to have for dinner or whatever, so they can just focus on the really important stuff."
The table was silent again, and she could feel everyone looking at her. She saw Paige nodding, gazing at her like she'd said the most profound thing imaginable.
"Ellie and Spinner are right," Paige declared. "We can get together at my house after school and put some stuff together. Okay?"
They all nodded wearily.
"It's the least we could," Marco said sadly. "I mean, Simpson was ..." He caught himself using the past tense, and shook his head furiously. Ellie patted his hand, and offered him a weak smile.
Then, over Jimmy's shoulder, she saw Craig passing by. He was obviously lost in thought because he didn't seem to see the group of them sitting there. He had his guitar with him, but he looked completely lost.
Spinner spotted him, and called his name.
"Craig! Hey, man, come here!"
Ellie realized that the news about Mr. Simpson was really getting to everyone when Ashley, didn't bolt up from the table the minute Craig sat down. She tensed up a little, but didn't move. It seemed like Ash understood that her broken heart didn't really matter right now, not when Emma and her family were suffering through a real tragedy.
"We were just talking about Simpson and his family," Spinner told Craig. "You know, what we could do to help or whatever."
Craig nodded, looking almost dazed.
"We're going to make some food to take over. Just so they know we're thinking of them," Paige explained.
"That's a good idea," Craig said. His voice was flat and emotionless.
Ellie looked at Craig, at his dark, sad eyes and their haunted expression, and she suddenly realized that he was probably thinking about his own parents, how they had both died so young, so early. She knew that his family life had been rough, but to lose both your parents by the age of fifteen had to be unbearable. She imagined that Craig was walking in Emma's shoes right now, understanding everything that she was feeling and taking it pretty hard.
Across the table, they looked at one another. Ellie smiled at him gently, trying to make him realized that she understood, but he looked back blankly, like a sad, lost puppy.
She felt her heart ache inside her chest, like she was the one who'd lost someone.
The bell rang then, signaling the end of lunch, and everyone at the table gathered up their trash and moved for the exit.
Ellie followed them out, feeling very tired. As she passed by the cafeteria counter, she spotted Sean, paying for a can of soda. He looked pretty shell-shocked and exhausted himself.
"Hey! Sean!" she called.
He turned quickly, looking like he'd been caught committing a crime.
They walked toward one another, and stood just a few feet apart in the middle of the cafeteria. Sean looked down at his feet, tapping his thumb against his can of Coke. Ellie watched him carefully, trying to figure out what was up with him. On the back of his ski cap, there were a couple of dried leaves, clinging stubbornly to the material. She plucked one free, and held it up in front of his face.
Sean's eyes widened, then narrowed again in a heartbeat.
"What exactly have you been up to?" Ellie teased lightly.
"Nothing," he mumbled, looking down at the floor. "Jay's car is a mess."
"I was trying to find you before. Mr. Simpson isn't doing so well... I mean, he's in pretty bad shape really, so a bunch of us were trying to come up with something to do for Emma and –"
The second bell rang then, loud and shrill, drowning out the rest of Ellie's words.
"I've gotta go," Sean said quickly. "I'm late for shop."
He looked at Ellie for a long moment, like he had something else to say but wasn't sure how to get the words out. But he just shook his head, looking very tired. When he leaned in to kiss her cheek, Ellie felt a chill go through her, something cold and dark.
It's probably just the news about Simpson, Ellie told herself as she walked to class. Or maybe her concerns about Craig and his state of mind. It couldn't be Sean who was making her feel that way.
At least, she didn't want to believe that was possible
- x –
The day had lasted forever, Craig decided, as he headed for the gym after school. He carried his guitar and his notebook, hoping to find a quiet, private place where he could work on his music.
Drown all his sorrows in music was more accurate, he thought bitterly.
All day, ever since he'd heard the news about Simpson, Craig had felt numb, like he was lost in a fog. Thinking about Emma and what she must be feeling made him remember those cold dark days when his mother was dying, the brutal shock of finding out that his father had died in that car accident. It all came back to him in vivid color, like a bad dream.
He wanted to do anything that would make the memories just disappear.
Everyone had been talking about how sorry they felt for Emma and her mom, how they wanted to do something to help, and Craig did too, so badly. He wanted to go to Emma and tell that he understood how she felt, that she wasn't alone, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
If he went to her, and looked into her eyes, he knew that he'd just be reliving his own experiences with death. Craig just didn't want to go through that.
He could remember that after his father died, he'd seriously freaked out, and that Terri had reached out to him, made him realize that she understood what he was feeling. Just hearing those words from her had a made a huge difference. He wanted to do the same thing for Emma now, but for some selfish reason, he couldn't.
He just couldn't do it.
Craig found the gym empty, just as he'd hoped. He sat on a stack of wrestling mats, and took out his guitar. He'd pour out all his pain into his music. That was how great works of art were created, right?
He played around with a song he was working on, trying to come up with some powerful lyrics as he toyed with the chords. It was going well, and he started to feel better. He started to forget.
"You're not going to Paige's?" a voice suddenly called from the gym doors.
He looked up and saw Ellie standing there, her book bag slung across her body. She seemed a little bit tentative, as if she was almost afraid to interrupt him.
"I.. ah... I just couldn't..." Craig babbled. He couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence.
"Not up for it just yet? That's sort of how I'm feeling."
Craig nodded, as he watched Ellie walk toward him. Her hair was down today, loose around her shoulders. It was the prettiest shade of red he'd ever seen. He felt like an idiot whenever he thought things like that.
"I'm not entirely comfortable in situations like this," she confided, sitting down beside him. "I mean, you make someone some vegetable casserole or something, and sure, it's a nice gesture and they appreciate it. But the whole time they just look at you, hoping that you'll be able to say something that makes them feel better, that takes the pain away, and there aren't any magic words like that. It's so hard."
He nodded again, amazed that she could put into words exactly what he was feeling.
"It must be even harder for you," Ellie whispered.
Something about sitting here with her in the dark gym, all alone, with her whispering into his ear, seemed really intimate to Craig. Like they were actually close friends, and not just awkward acquaintances.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Ellie looked away, and licked her lips nervously.
"I just meant that because you know how Emma must feel right now. You know how hard it is to deal with losing a parent."
Craig stared at her, stunned. He couldn't believe that Ellie, this girl who barely knew him, this girl who up until a month ago hated his guts, really and truly understood how he felt.
"It is hard," he said quietly. He strummed his guitar, a loud sound in the quiet gym. "I know I should go and talk to Emma. You know, be there for her ... but I can't do it. I can't deal with all my own memories."
He turned to look at Ellie, expecting her to be disgusted with him, stunned that he could be so selfish and awful. But she only nodded, smiling sadly.
"My dad is overseas, and every day I worry that we'll get a phone call that says he's been hurt. Or worse. It's just a peacekeeping mission, but every day I worry." She shook her head. "For Emma, it's more real than just a worry, and I don't know what to say to her. How to pretend that everything is going to be all right in the end."
Craig nodded. He was horrified when he realized that he had started to cry, a hot tear slipping down his cheek. Suddenly he felt Ellie's hand on his shoulder, patting gently.
"You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to talk to her, Craig. It doesn't make you a bad person."
He looked over at her, feeling out of control.
"No, I'm a bad person because I had sex with Manny while I was dating Ashley," he said flatly.
Ellie turned away, sighing. She kept her hand on his shoulder, though, and it made him feel less alone.
"I feel like a bad person, Ellie," he whispered. "Emma's going through this terrible thing, and I could do something. Something so simple and easy. But I won't."
She looked at him intensely, like she was seeing him for the first time. The room was silent for what felt like hours. Then Ellie stood up, smoothing the wrinkles out of her skirt.
"Come with me then," she said. "We'll go to Paige's and make some casseroles with everyone else. Even if you can't talk to Emma, you can peel some potatoes, chop some carrots. Emma will know that you care."
She smiled softly, as he looked at her, amazed. Ellie Nash was amazing. The most amazing girl he'd ever known. He knew that now.
When Craig still hadn't moved, Ellie took his guitar from him and packed it away in its case. Then she held her hand out to him, waiting.
He took it, feeling a spark go through him when they touched, and stood up.
Just like that, they walked out of the gym. Craig and Ellie, hand in hand, off to make a casserole.
- x -
a/n: Big thanks to everyone who's still reading the story. I hope you all like this chapter – it was real challenge to write it, but I think I like the way it turned out. Let me know what you think.
- x -
It was amazing how the world could just crumble down around you in an instant, like a house of cards. That's all it had taken, Emma thought. One quick second, absorbing the words that her mother had said over the phone, and the ground seemed to fall out from beneath Emma's feet.
She held Sean's hand now as they walked, having no clue where they were going. She didn't even notice her surroundings, if they were walking on a busy street or in a quiet neighborhood. She just held Sean's hand, and trusted that he'd lead her the right way.
She felt guilty, practically forcing Sean to ditch class so she wouldn't be alone. It didn't get more selfish than that. What was wrong with her?
And when she'd been sitting outside the school, crying over the complete unfairness of life, how cruel it could be, it wasn't Chris who she wanted to – no, needed to – see. It had been Sean all along.
Sean, who had a girlfriend and more than enough problems of his own to deal with.
You couldn't get more screwed up than that.
They walked for what felt like a long time, though Emma had lost all sense of time too. When she finally came back to herself and looked around, they were in the ravine, with a bright blue sky overhead, warm sunshine streaming down, and beautiful green trees casting shadows all around.
She could still remember the last time that they were here together, how Sean had made her feel like they were the only two people left on the earth. Until, of course, the real world had come knocking, and Kendra stumbled upon them. She also couldn't forget everything that had happened afterward, the way Sean had walked away from her, angry and mean. There was a still a part of Emma that still hurt over all of it, even despite the way she and Sean were connecting these days.
Now she wanted to forget all of it, everything that made her ache inside, and even if the real world tried to intrude, Emma would ignore it, fight it off.
Sean coughed quietly, kicking at a pile of dry leaves.
"I thought this place would be nice and quiet," he said.
His voice was pitched low and soft, like he thought she had a headache. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't her head that ached, but her heart instead, like it had been smashed to pieces inside her chest. That would only make her remember, though, so instead she just watched Sean, as he scraped shapes in the dirt with the tip of his boot.
Emma knew that he remembered what had happened here before, and that he didn't want her to get the wrong idea about why he'd brought her here. But she could also see the sadness in his eyes, frustration at being so helpless, and it felt like reality had slapped her in the face.
Snake could be dying.
She'd known that for months now, worried over it everyday, but it had still seemed unreal, like a bad dream or something that was happening in a movie. Now it was a real, tangible possibility. Tomorrow morning, she could wake up and Snake could be gone. It was impossible to believe, to accept – that he could be here one day and then ... poof, just like that, be gone the next.
She sat down beneath a tall tree, where it was shady and cool. She felt like she'd fallen hard against the ground, almost like she'd collapsed. Sean sat down beside her, close enough that the side of his body was pressed tightly against hers.
That was exactly what she needed – to know that she wasn't alone, that someone understood.
And in that moment, Emma felt like the most horrible person in the world because her father was terribly sick, wasting away in a hospital bed, and all she could think about was the way Sean's lips had felt against hers on Saturday, when he'd kissed her in his bed and made her world seem bright again.
"All I want," she started to say, just as Sean put his arm around her and leaned his head against hers. "All I want is for someone to tell me that he's going to be okay, that he's going to pull through, and for it to be true. But whenever anyone says it, it just sounds so hollow and fake."
Sean nodded, his ski cap scratching against her forehead.
"Raditch said to me, 'Let me know if there's anything I can do,'" she told Sean. "And I know he was just trying to be nice, but I was so angry at him because there is nothing he can do. There's nothing anyone can do."
She felt tears begin to slip down her cheeks, hot and fast.
"There's nothing I can do either," she whispered. "For my mother, for Jack..."
"You don't have to do anything, Emma. You're allowed to just feel."
She sighed, shaking her head.
"I don't want to feel any of this."
Sean nodded. When he sat up and started to wipe away some of her tears, she felt a charge go through her. And when he leaned in to kiss her, Emma closed her eyes, and felt the rest of the world just slip away, all its pain and confusion, just like she'd wanted it to.
This is the only thing I want to feel, she thought. This is the only thing I want to be real.
Like he had all those months ago, Sean laid her down on the grass, and kissed her like it was the only thing he wanted to do in his life. She could feel of the weight of his body against hers, and it felt like he was blocking out everything that might hurt her, keeping her safe.
Right now, Degrassi's entire marching band and the spirit squad could parade through the ravine, and Emma wouldn't stop kissing him, touching him. She'd let them all watch, because she'd finally come to realize that she didn't give a damn what any of them thought.
They stopped for a moment to catch their breath. Sean looked down at her, wild-eyed and flushed. He brushed the hair out of Emma's face with a gentle hand, and sighed.
"I wish there was something I could do for you, Em," he whispered. "Something to make you stop hurting."
He'd never spoken to her like this to her before, so much pain and longing in his voice. In that moment, she didn't think that she could ever love someone more. She reached up to pull off his ski cap, tossing beside them in a pile of leaves.
"You can do this," she whispered back. She pulled him down again, so their lips were only inches apart. "This is all I need right now."
He nodded, smiling in a sad kind of way. When he kissed her again, she felt anything but sad.
Just like she'd wanted, the pain had fallen away. All Emma felt was Sean's hand, moving under her shirt, touching her back just above the waist of her jeans. She could feel the sunshine on her skin, warm and bright. She could taste him, salty and sweet at the same time.
Whatever pain was left over, Emma poured it into their kisses, until Sean was the only thing left in her world.
- x –
At lunch, Ellie sat at a table crowded with sad, silent people.
There were eight of them all together – Jimmy, Hazel, Paige, Spinner, JT, Marco, Ashley, and herself – and they all just looked at one another blankly, hoping that someone would finally have something to say, something to positive and hopeful.
Ellie hadn't been able to find Sean before lunch, which had worried her a bit. She told herself that it was probably nothing. Most likely, he was off somewhere with Jay and his gang, doing their whole stupid tough guys routine. Ellie had thought that Sean would want to be here, trying to think of a way to show their support to Emma and her family. She knew that Sean and Emma's relationship had been rocky from the start, and had ended about as badly as those things could, but times like this had a way of making all the stupid little things in life like high school break-ups and failed math tests seem even more petty. Sean would want to do something; Ellie was sure of it.
Because, as cold and tough as Sean Cameron seemed on the outside, underneath it all, he had a heart as warm and big as anyone's. That was one of the things that Ellie loved about him, how he could do some really sweet, thoughtful little thing at the precise moment that someone needed it most.
She really wished that Sean was here. He'd be able to make her feel better at least.
"Maybe we could take them some food," Spinner said, after a long while of no one talking. "Like casseroles or something. When my grandmother died, people dropped off like a ton of lasagna and tuna casserole and stuff."
Jimmy shrugged. "What's some lousy food gonna do to make them feel better?"
"Well..." Ellie said quietly. "I think the idea is to take care of all the stupid little worries they might have, like what to have for dinner or whatever, so they can just focus on the really important stuff."
The table was silent again, and she could feel everyone looking at her. She saw Paige nodding, gazing at her like she'd said the most profound thing imaginable.
"Ellie and Spinner are right," Paige declared. "We can get together at my house after school and put some stuff together. Okay?"
They all nodded wearily.
"It's the least we could," Marco said sadly. "I mean, Simpson was ..." He caught himself using the past tense, and shook his head furiously. Ellie patted his hand, and offered him a weak smile.
Then, over Jimmy's shoulder, she saw Craig passing by. He was obviously lost in thought because he didn't seem to see the group of them sitting there. He had his guitar with him, but he looked completely lost.
Spinner spotted him, and called his name.
"Craig! Hey, man, come here!"
Ellie realized that the news about Mr. Simpson was really getting to everyone when Ashley, didn't bolt up from the table the minute Craig sat down. She tensed up a little, but didn't move. It seemed like Ash understood that her broken heart didn't really matter right now, not when Emma and her family were suffering through a real tragedy.
"We were just talking about Simpson and his family," Spinner told Craig. "You know, what we could do to help or whatever."
Craig nodded, looking almost dazed.
"We're going to make some food to take over. Just so they know we're thinking of them," Paige explained.
"That's a good idea," Craig said. His voice was flat and emotionless.
Ellie looked at Craig, at his dark, sad eyes and their haunted expression, and she suddenly realized that he was probably thinking about his own parents, how they had both died so young, so early. She knew that his family life had been rough, but to lose both your parents by the age of fifteen had to be unbearable. She imagined that Craig was walking in Emma's shoes right now, understanding everything that she was feeling and taking it pretty hard.
Across the table, they looked at one another. Ellie smiled at him gently, trying to make him realized that she understood, but he looked back blankly, like a sad, lost puppy.
She felt her heart ache inside her chest, like she was the one who'd lost someone.
The bell rang then, signaling the end of lunch, and everyone at the table gathered up their trash and moved for the exit.
Ellie followed them out, feeling very tired. As she passed by the cafeteria counter, she spotted Sean, paying for a can of soda. He looked pretty shell-shocked and exhausted himself.
"Hey! Sean!" she called.
He turned quickly, looking like he'd been caught committing a crime.
They walked toward one another, and stood just a few feet apart in the middle of the cafeteria. Sean looked down at his feet, tapping his thumb against his can of Coke. Ellie watched him carefully, trying to figure out what was up with him. On the back of his ski cap, there were a couple of dried leaves, clinging stubbornly to the material. She plucked one free, and held it up in front of his face.
Sean's eyes widened, then narrowed again in a heartbeat.
"What exactly have you been up to?" Ellie teased lightly.
"Nothing," he mumbled, looking down at the floor. "Jay's car is a mess."
"I was trying to find you before. Mr. Simpson isn't doing so well... I mean, he's in pretty bad shape really, so a bunch of us were trying to come up with something to do for Emma and –"
The second bell rang then, loud and shrill, drowning out the rest of Ellie's words.
"I've gotta go," Sean said quickly. "I'm late for shop."
He looked at Ellie for a long moment, like he had something else to say but wasn't sure how to get the words out. But he just shook his head, looking very tired. When he leaned in to kiss her cheek, Ellie felt a chill go through her, something cold and dark.
It's probably just the news about Simpson, Ellie told herself as she walked to class. Or maybe her concerns about Craig and his state of mind. It couldn't be Sean who was making her feel that way.
At least, she didn't want to believe that was possible
- x –
The day had lasted forever, Craig decided, as he headed for the gym after school. He carried his guitar and his notebook, hoping to find a quiet, private place where he could work on his music.
Drown all his sorrows in music was more accurate, he thought bitterly.
All day, ever since he'd heard the news about Simpson, Craig had felt numb, like he was lost in a fog. Thinking about Emma and what she must be feeling made him remember those cold dark days when his mother was dying, the brutal shock of finding out that his father had died in that car accident. It all came back to him in vivid color, like a bad dream.
He wanted to do anything that would make the memories just disappear.
Everyone had been talking about how sorry they felt for Emma and her mom, how they wanted to do something to help, and Craig did too, so badly. He wanted to go to Emma and tell that he understood how she felt, that she wasn't alone, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
If he went to her, and looked into her eyes, he knew that he'd just be reliving his own experiences with death. Craig just didn't want to go through that.
He could remember that after his father died, he'd seriously freaked out, and that Terri had reached out to him, made him realize that she understood what he was feeling. Just hearing those words from her had a made a huge difference. He wanted to do the same thing for Emma now, but for some selfish reason, he couldn't.
He just couldn't do it.
Craig found the gym empty, just as he'd hoped. He sat on a stack of wrestling mats, and took out his guitar. He'd pour out all his pain into his music. That was how great works of art were created, right?
He played around with a song he was working on, trying to come up with some powerful lyrics as he toyed with the chords. It was going well, and he started to feel better. He started to forget.
"You're not going to Paige's?" a voice suddenly called from the gym doors.
He looked up and saw Ellie standing there, her book bag slung across her body. She seemed a little bit tentative, as if she was almost afraid to interrupt him.
"I.. ah... I just couldn't..." Craig babbled. He couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence.
"Not up for it just yet? That's sort of how I'm feeling."
Craig nodded, as he watched Ellie walk toward him. Her hair was down today, loose around her shoulders. It was the prettiest shade of red he'd ever seen. He felt like an idiot whenever he thought things like that.
"I'm not entirely comfortable in situations like this," she confided, sitting down beside him. "I mean, you make someone some vegetable casserole or something, and sure, it's a nice gesture and they appreciate it. But the whole time they just look at you, hoping that you'll be able to say something that makes them feel better, that takes the pain away, and there aren't any magic words like that. It's so hard."
He nodded again, amazed that she could put into words exactly what he was feeling.
"It must be even harder for you," Ellie whispered.
Something about sitting here with her in the dark gym, all alone, with her whispering into his ear, seemed really intimate to Craig. Like they were actually close friends, and not just awkward acquaintances.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Ellie looked away, and licked her lips nervously.
"I just meant that because you know how Emma must feel right now. You know how hard it is to deal with losing a parent."
Craig stared at her, stunned. He couldn't believe that Ellie, this girl who barely knew him, this girl who up until a month ago hated his guts, really and truly understood how he felt.
"It is hard," he said quietly. He strummed his guitar, a loud sound in the quiet gym. "I know I should go and talk to Emma. You know, be there for her ... but I can't do it. I can't deal with all my own memories."
He turned to look at Ellie, expecting her to be disgusted with him, stunned that he could be so selfish and awful. But she only nodded, smiling sadly.
"My dad is overseas, and every day I worry that we'll get a phone call that says he's been hurt. Or worse. It's just a peacekeeping mission, but every day I worry." She shook her head. "For Emma, it's more real than just a worry, and I don't know what to say to her. How to pretend that everything is going to be all right in the end."
Craig nodded. He was horrified when he realized that he had started to cry, a hot tear slipping down his cheek. Suddenly he felt Ellie's hand on his shoulder, patting gently.
"You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to talk to her, Craig. It doesn't make you a bad person."
He looked over at her, feeling out of control.
"No, I'm a bad person because I had sex with Manny while I was dating Ashley," he said flatly.
Ellie turned away, sighing. She kept her hand on his shoulder, though, and it made him feel less alone.
"I feel like a bad person, Ellie," he whispered. "Emma's going through this terrible thing, and I could do something. Something so simple and easy. But I won't."
She looked at him intensely, like she was seeing him for the first time. The room was silent for what felt like hours. Then Ellie stood up, smoothing the wrinkles out of her skirt.
"Come with me then," she said. "We'll go to Paige's and make some casseroles with everyone else. Even if you can't talk to Emma, you can peel some potatoes, chop some carrots. Emma will know that you care."
She smiled softly, as he looked at her, amazed. Ellie Nash was amazing. The most amazing girl he'd ever known. He knew that now.
When Craig still hadn't moved, Ellie took his guitar from him and packed it away in its case. Then she held her hand out to him, waiting.
He took it, feeling a spark go through him when they touched, and stood up.
Just like that, they walked out of the gym. Craig and Ellie, hand in hand, off to make a casserole.
- x -
