Korra cursed her legs almost every day when she still couldn't move it. She would hit it with sheer force at times in hopes of feeling sensations. She hated every second of being stuck in the wheelchair, loathed every eye looking her way, wondering, worrying, empathizing.
Korra would scream underneath her pillow in some nights and let the frustrations out of her system. The dread of having to wake up amid the moon falling and the sun rising. Beaded with sweat, heavy panting, and the only clear image Korra sees when her eyes open is the person who tried to kill her—suffocating her—literally sucking the life out of her.
She wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even to herself, but she thought of it a lot in the past two years if it was even worth sacrificing her life for the air nation. A part of Korra would surmise that it is, and it will always be a part of her duty. To be the Avatar has its perks, but sadly, it also has its consequences.
The heavy feeling in Korra's chest never faltered two years later as she found herself sitting in a lotus position trying and failing to clear her mind, waiting, meditating. She steadied her breathing; one trick Tenzin has taught her to meditate ages ago back in the gazebo at Air Temple Island. Spirits has it been long ago.
With eyes closed, Korra felt her spirit extract from her body. Slowly, floating up into another dimension, seeing the spirit world's bright lights, feet almost touching the ground only to be blocked by her literal nightmares.
Zaheer .
Her spirit went and came with much force as she slipped back into reality, pulled as if she awoke from the bucket of water splashed on her face.
Fifteen seconds. She unconsciously counted. Longer than before, Korra thought.
She sat there for a few more minutes until eventually, she went home. As Korra entered the Chieftain's palace, she walked the long hallways up to her family's wing passing the kitchen. She was welcomed by Senna preparing the dining table for supper. Korra met her gaze briefly, flashing a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Her smile hasn't been full ever since.
"Korra, how was meditating?" Senna put down the plate she was holding and acknowledged her daughter.
"It was okay," Korra lied, struggling to meet Senna's eyes. She thought looking directly at her will give it away, so she averts it every chance she gets. Something's she's been good at doing recently, hiding what she really felt from her parents. Korra couldn't take another pitiful glance her way, especially with her parents.
"How about you go wash yourself and then we'll have dinner. Your father is gonna come home any time soon."
"I'm not really hungry right now, mom," Korra flashed her an apologetic smile, "but I'll come down when I will." She added, feeling bad in the way Senna looked hurt.
"Okay. I'll leave some food in the table for you then," Senna swiftly moved towards Korra and kissed her on the forehead. She watched her figure disappear into the hallway.
Senna continued setting up the table, putting three plates anyway. She'd prepare the food for Korra when she's ready, she thought. Loud footsteps heard from the opposite hall where Korra came from and in came Tonraq, gray streaks of hair also visible with tired eyes. Senna smiled warmly at her husband, moving towards him for a peck on the lips. Chaste, soft, and welcoming.
"Hi honey," Tonraq greeted her, broad arms wrapped around her wife's shoulder. He looked at the dining table set with three plates prepared nicely. "Not hungry again?" Tonraq met her wife's eyes once more. A mutual connection seemed to get passed along their gazes.
Senna took a deep sigh, "No, she might come down later if she gets hungry," she rested her head in Tonraq's shoulder, finding the familiar comfort it brought her all throughout their married life.
"We're doing our best," Tonraq hugged Senna a little tighter, "you're doing more than you can. She just needs more time."
Senna got lost in Tonraq's warmth as her eyes sting from the tears it formed. She remembered all those times where she can't even take a look at her daughter hurting. She wouldn't even count the days and nights where Senna wished to take the pain away, wishing it was her in Korra's position. How can you power through and see your own child suffering? Tonraq shared the same sentiment. He wasn't good at expressing his feelings in words, but Senna knew. Mothers always knew.
In the opposite room, just up the stairs on the right where Korra's room is, She is sitting at the edge of her bed, holding on to what appears to be an envelope. A letter from Republic City. Her mom must've put it on the table for her when Korra was out.
She took a deep breath and opened the envelope. There were two things that she was certain at that time; Korra's heartbeat was pumping a thousand times a minute, and Asami's letter was the reason for it.
Korra read the letter five or six times. Beginning from Dear Korra up to the Love, Asami. Especially on the Love, Asami. She didn't waste any more time and went to grab a pen and a paper to write her response. Folded with care, sealed with a kiss. It's in the back of her throat, Korra is aware of it but still, she wasn't sure.
Korra continued training in the compound. The familiar obstacles she used to do before she came to Republic City was something to get acquainted with. She got up early every day to have time to meditate or at least try to, but so far, she can't feel Raava connection.
So, she tried to get better physically. The nightmares were still there, but every day it seems like it was easier to lie to Katara and her parents than actually to talk about it. Zaheer still haunts her. She still couldn't sleep at night. Everything was a struggle, but she kept going.
The others' letters were getting slimmer now and Korra's guilty conscience was eating her alive, but she still wouldn't respond. She didn't know what to say and she never felt comfortable talking to them about what's been going on except for Asami. There was a steady array of letters back and forth, months passed and the longing for the CEO grew bigger and bigger in Korra's chest.
It was when Senna went into Korra's room to rearrange the clothes in her drawer, but she couldn't quite figure out how to fit it nicely.
Korra moved beside Senna and had said, "Oh, Asami used to do this—" she stopped herself, confused. Her eyes widened but Senna was just looking at her waiting, a small smile hinting on her face.
"How does Asami do it?"
Korra acted as if she has been caught stealing a seaweed cookie in a jar. Quickly composing herself, she showed Senna how Asami used to arrange her clothes in the drawer back in Air Temple Island. The familiar warmth in her chest seeped in at the memories of her, and this time, she was sure.
Korra has hit a roadblock. She felt herself wasting time in the South Pole. Amidst Tenzin's advice and her parent's never-ending support, she perceived herself as a burden more than a recovering avatar.
She needed to be where the action is, she thought. She needed to be where her friends are, where Asami is.
Korra doesn't admit to Katara that the visions aren't getting better, but it's not getting worse either. It's like this constant mover etched in her mind that wouldn't budge, and she tried everything. Katara did too. She didn't think it would be necessary to say as the goal for recuperating was to be able to get back on her feet. She is back on her feet, though not entirely. It's all that matters for now. The physical part, right?
The path of getting better is straight ahead. It's up to you to not get lost in the way.
Katara would always remind her. Somewhere along the way, she stopped caring. Blindingly training until her muscles get sore, she pushed herself until she physically and mentally exhausted herself.
One afternoon, Korra is sat on the chair in her room in front of her study table. One hand on the table, fingers lightly drumming on the wooden material. The other hand clutched on to Asami's letter, careful not to wrinkle it, ready to be put in the box where all her other letters went. They've been going at it for a while now. Six months? They've simply become pen pals now. Something Bolin wished to be when they said their farewell two years ago by the docks. She swallowed with the hopes of drowning the impending guilt that threatens to resurface and reread Asami's letter instead.
I hope you never lose faith. I want to say it gets better, but it will most likely be empty words.
Asami would be so understanding that Korra started to wonder if she can see her in the South Pole right at that moment. Create a device to see what's been going on with her. She laughed at the idea. However, knowing Asami, it wouldn't be far from possible to happen.
No matter what happens, Avatar or not, you're still Korra. You're still my friend. If you weren't the Avatar, then who are you?
Korra stopped and stared at the last sentence. Unprovoking, just curious.
If I wasn't the Avatar, then who am I?
Something she never quite asked herself when they found out she was the Avatar. Korra thought it didn't matter because the sole purpose of her being alive is to serve the people, the universe, bring balance and peace. That's what she's been training for her whole life.
And now she stopped and asked herself. Stripped away the avatar title, who was she?
It solidified her will to decide her next steps. Korra put Asami's letter in the box and got a blank paper and a pen. She wrote her response,
Dear Asami,
I've pondered on my thoughts, thinking of your question. Maybe I don't have the answer yet but who really cares? You're right. I've been so caught up trying to step on the Avatar's role that I forget I'm also human. I get hurt; I can be vulnerable. To answer your question, I am Korra. Someone's daughter, someone's friend, someone's sister. Anything I can be without the Avatar title. And I also realized that there are indeed people who care for me waiting in Republic City. That includes you. Maybe it's for me to come to terms with myself and what I have become. Hopefully I'll see you soon.
Korra
That night she braved her purpose when they gather for dinner. Tonraq and Senna tiptoeing around her, while Korra stood her ground, jaw set, throat cleared.
"There's something I need to tell you both."
"West of the sea, near the icy rocks, the wind will pick up. A storm possibly. Head lower so you can stray away from it. After that, I'm sure you'll be fine," Tonraq put the basket of Korra's food, enough to last her the whole travel in the small boat as they wait for Senna and Naga to say their goodbyes.
"Dad, I'll be fine," Korra flashed her a smile, nudging her dad in the process as well, "learned sailing from the best, didn't I?"
"Of course you did. I just want to make sure that—"
"Dad,"
"Three days is a long travel. Are you sure I can't send a white lotus guard to acc—"
" Dad,"
"Fine, fine. I just," Tonraq let out a breath and gazed at her daughter, "be careful, okay?"
"I will, I'll write to you as soon as I arrive," Korra hugged her dad, melting to his arms, like a blanket for warmth and comfort, "thank you,"
Loud footsteps from the snow emanated from behind Korra as she turned to see Naga trudging towards them and Senna not far behind.
Her back instantly met the snow as Naga tackled her, licking her face a little too enthusiastically. Korra tried and failed to get away from the sloppy kisses.
"Down girl, hey," She chuckled, finally extracting herself from the attack. She stood up and water bends the snow out of her clothing. Korra scratched Naga's ear and finally said, "I'll miss you. You take care of my parents for now okay? You're in charge."
In which Naga whined like a puppy. She didn't want to see her best friend go, but Korra had to. She thinks she had to.
"I'll come back, I promise," As soon as she said it, the words felt empty.
She stepped back and hugged Senna as well, "I love you, mom."
"I love you too, honey," Senna's figure was smaller and Korra towered over her. The same warmth and comfort enveloped her as she too melted in her mother's embrace.
Soon enough, Korra is waving goodbye to the three figures, watching her sail away until all she could see was water surrounding her.
She looked ahead finally, for tomorrow to come, to be back in Republic City. To be back in Air Temple Island, Tenzin, Pema, the kids, Mako, Bolin. Asami. She tried to sleep that night, not minding the nightmares, Korra ignored and slept through it.
It's as if the mind had a power of its own, bending nightmares into reality like it manifested itself when Korra blocked her thoughts. At this point, Korra wasn't quite sure of the difference between her nightmares and her reality in the past years.
Across the horizon, she can see the tiny island perfectly blended with the night sky. The corners of her lips twitched upward as she neared the docks. Korra was almost there, almost reaching her second home, until it showed up.
At first, she wasn't sure what she was looking at. Blurry from the darkness, with the only source of light being the moon. As the boat sailed closer to the mountain, her breath caught in her throat as she instinctively backed away, sweat trickled down the side of her face as her heart thudded in her chest.
Korra saw herself in the avatar state. Chains of hackles in both wrists, eyes bright and searing, staring straight at her. She closed her eyes with the hopes of it going away but was disappointed and more frightened when she opened and saw the figure closing in on her.
Painstakingly, Korra changed the boat's direction as she sailed farther and farther away with no direction in mind. She needed to get away from her literal nightmare.
Dear mom and dad,
I arrived in Republic City a couple of weeks ago and couldn't be happier. It's nice to be back at the temple and it's great to see my friends again. Don't worry. I'm taking it easy, but hopefully, I'll be back in action soon. I miss you both very much. Please give Naga a big hug for me.
Love, Korra
Lying became second nature to Korra as if her body specifically made way for all the lies she's said to her parents in the past few years.
I'm okay. I'm getting better. The nightmares come less and less now.
Yet there she was, somewhere along an island in the outskirts of the Earth Kingdom, running away from herself.
She almost, almost wrote a letter to Asami. Korra thought otherwise. Maybe it was best no one knew where she was. She didn't want to worry her more as she understood that she had a lot on her plate right now.
Months have passed and Korra doesn't forget to write updates to her parents. Fake updates. She traversed the dirt road, trying to blend in with the crowd. Gone were the blue vest, parka, and baggy pants. It was replaced by a green one instead and a new pair of shoes. Her hair was cut short, just below her jawline. Korra removed every single bit in her body that reminded her that she was the Avatar.
Maybe Korra wanted to disappear. Her intentions still unclear, looking for answers she doesn't even know the questions to. She's been all around the world. At first, she tried to reconnect to Raava, find her, seek her. She's been to the desert though she might've hallucinated. Korra swore she saw Raava at the top of the mountain. She walked the paths in the Fire Nation, right across the volcano and there she saw her Avatar self again, looming, watching, observing.
She travelled across the North Pole and back to the South, to the Spirit World and eventually back to the Earth Kingdom. She got lost along the way and now it was more of her surviving than recovering. Korra stopped trying.
She found herself one night in a bar with lost hope and enough yuans to drink the night away.
As Korra casually took a sip of her drink, someone sat beside her in the bar, suddenly closing in her personal space.
"What's a gorgeous lady sitting here all alone?"
The woman's voice was sultry, teasing. Korra glanced her way and saw a pair of brown eyes looking back at her, waiting for an answer. She was beautiful, Korra noted. She saw how those lips tainted with a faint lipstick, but not as red as Asami's. The woman moved closer and Korra could smell the alcohol from her breath.
"It's Renee, by the way. How about I show you a good time?" Her smirk was flirty, and Korra didn't realize Renee's hand was in her thigh, slowly ascending with only one direction. She had to flinch so bad that her drink toppled down, spilling the contents all over the bar.
"Sorry, I—" Korra started but headed towards the exit as her mind wandered away back to Republic City. To Asami.
"Renee, will you stop scaring the customers away?"
"Shut it, Chin! I just thought she needed somebody tonight. She looked lonely."
Korra ran as much as her legs could, head throbbing from the alcohol, gait almost imbalanced but she managed to get away from the bar. She tried to shut off Asami in her head and hurt too much to remember her. It hurt too much to not be with her right now, but she thought it was best to be away. Away from everything, everyone. Not until she heals fully.
Rounding the corner, she heard distant chants of a crowd, seemingly gathered in the arena a few blocks ahead. Korra's curiosity piqued, and she found herself in the stands, watching what seems to be an underground earthbending fight. In the blink of her eye, there it was again. Her avatar self. It's like mocking, challenging her to move forward. To come down the ring and face her.
A snap decision came into the foyer as she approached a man collecting yuans from the crowd.
"Excuse me. Who do I talk to about getting in the ring?"
And the rest was history. At least for three days. She fought and lost. All the time. People wanted her out of the ring, but she persevered. She didn't fancy being beaten down or thrown in all directions. Rocks in her face, body connecting to the end part of the ring. But she loved the adrenaline. Korra felt more alive, trying to stay sane and be in the fight at the same time. Her avatar self came and went, ignoring it for a lot of reasons.
It was on the third day when the man name Tu gave Korra her cut for the night. Black eye and all, she didn't mind. She walked the familiar path towards the motel she's been staying for the time being. There were a lot of people in the streets tonight.
Must be a popular fighter in the arena.
At one point, Korra thought she heard someone call her name, but she knew she never told it to anyone. No one should know who she was in here. Korra hid her identity so well. She ignored it and went inside the motel up to her room, throwing her bag in the chair by the door, and grabbing a basin, filling it with water to heal her wounds from the fight.
Korra walked towards the sink, but before she could reach it, the door behind her suddenly opened and she froze in her tracks. She mentally berated herself for how stupid she was, leaving the door unlocked in this sketchy part of town.
"Please close the door and leave. Thank you."
Korra's ears rang hot. She knew that voice, that beautifully familiar voice.
Slowly, she turned around and saw in her whole being, Asami. Green eyes were looking back at her.
"Asami." Was all she managed to say at first. The overwhelming feeling of emotions welled up, making her feel nauseous and her head throbbing more painfully than before.
The look in Asami's eyes was almost unbearable like she almost wanted to cry with shock, relief, with something .
Korra panicked. She shouldn't have let Asami see her like this, not like this. A small part of her wanted to close the gap and hug Asami. She almost did it.
"What are you doing here?" She asked instead.
"Wha—" Asami lets out a shaky laugh, "What am I doing here? What are you doing here?"
"I—" She didn't know what to say. Korra didn't have an answer to that. So, she redirected, "How did you find me?"
"Does that even matter right now? Six months Korra. You were missing for six months—"
"I wasn't mi—" Korra caught herself. She shouldn't project this to Asami, "I'm fine."
"Well, clearly, we didn't know where you were. You were lying to your father. I didn't know where you were. Is there something wrong?" Asami reached the space in front of her but stopped shy. Korra wanted to reach for it but averted her gaze, looking down,
"I don't know."
"Korra," Asami pleaded.
"I don't know!" Korra snapped, "Sorry. I just…" I don't want you to see me like this . "You should go home, Asami."
"Really? After three years? That's what you're going to tell me? I came here to find you—"
"I didn't ask you to find me."
"Nobody did!" Korra flinched at Asami's retort. This is the first time she has seen her lose it. She was mad clearly. Mad at Korra, and she knew she deserved it. "Of course you didn't! You wouldn't have a chance to tell me anyway when you stopped responding to my letters."
Right then, the familiar clanging of shackles reverberated in the room. Asami couldn't hear it, though. It was her nightmare. Korra's nightmare. Herself. Her avatar self was standing by the window again, mocking her.
She snapped her eyes shut and looked back at Asami. She wished she didn't because seeing her break down right now was too painful to see. And it was her fault.
"I'm sorry. A lot is going on with me."
An understatement of the moment.
"Then tell me!" She waved her hands in Korra's direction, "Why are you doing this?"
Korra took a deep breath and spoke the truth, "I wanted to prove something for myself. I needed to feel… better ."
"This is your solution? Get beaten down, until what? You stop breathing? Really, Korra? Are you seriously gonna wait for us to find out on the radio that they located you somewhere in this small town, dead?"
Korra's heart broke for Asami, but she stressed too much in ignoring the figure in the window as it seemed to have moved a step.
"I didn't plan any of this! I thought I was getting better, but it turns out, the only thing I was able to achieve is to stand and walk!" That was silly of her; she admitted to herself. But she wanted no more than to get Asami out of here as her literal nightmare is in the room with them.
"And that's a bad thing?" Korra wondered how Asami was so caring, even in this dire situation. She adored her for it but, damn it. Not right now.
"It is for me Asami! I am the Avatar! I'm supposed to handle all things. I'm supposed to be the one to fix the mess in the Earth Kingdom and not Kuvira. I'm… I'm useless right now." Tears threatened to spill as she easily opened up the truth to Asami.
"You didn't have to go through it alone. It boggles me how you think you're supposed to carry the world on your back. You don't. Nobody gets left behind, remember?" Asami said and it pulled Korra's heartstrings as well as her tear ducts.
She wanted it to be over. She wanted to cry on Asami's shoulder, give up. Take a rest with whatever internal battle she's going through. She almost did it.
But her avatar self took another step. It was hard to miss as the chains of shackles rang across the room, giving her goosebumps in the process.
Asami was hardheaded. She didn't want to back down. Why can't she just let Korra go? Korra requested for her to go home one more time, but she wouldn't listen. Asami took a step forward, and so did her avatar self.
Damn it.
She closed her eyes with the hopes of her nightmare going away. It hurt. Everything hurt.
"Please go away." Korra took a half step back as her avatar self walked towards her, mimicking Asami's actions.
"Korra, please," Asami whispered.
Korra gazed at the right side of the room where the window was again. Her avatar self is slowly moving forward. She was petrified. Korra's face was buried in her hands. She mumbled again, "Please stop. Please stop. Please stop."
She begged her mind to stop. Begged her avatar self to stop. Her shoulders shook as she was hopeless.
Asami must've caught on because the next thing she knew, she was being struck in both shoulders by the CEO as she shouted all her frustrations to Korra. Asking, begging her to answer, and she hurt for Asami. Hurt for herself. Everything was so frustrating, and she blamed herself once more for it.
Korra tried to explain whatever she can, but it got more challenging to answer every time Asami asked another question.
"Why didn't you let me come with you?"
That struck Korra like she was impaled in the heart. Asami's raw vulnerability and the simple question loaded with so many emotions Korra couldn't describe broke her in many ways. And she thought she couldn't get any more broken.
"I'm so sorry Asami." She hugged her, breathing her in, and it's as if the world stopped spinning for them.
She wanted so badly to just be this way with Asami, the warmth she gave, something she longed for, something that calmed her. Korra might've hugged her too tightly as Asami winced and she quickly retracted.
This time, she really took Asami in. She had bruises all over like she's been in a fight. Korra directed her to the bed to heal the scratches on her skin. Something about this moment was surreal to Korra. Intimate. Delicate.
Korra was hyper-aware of how Asami stared at her. Her heart was in her throat, and she almost choked when her fingers brushed her black eye, and she looked at those emerald eyes.
"You should heal this," Asami instructed her.
Her gaze was too much for Korra, so she broke it off, continuing to heal Asami's bruises.
"I will. Don't worry about it."
Maybe it was the relaxing effect of the cool water as Asami's eyelids grew heavy, and Korra slowly directed her to lay down in bed.
"Please stay." Asami pleaded and Korra's heart was about to combust. The next thing she knew, Asami was fast asleep and she stared at her admiringly and sadly at the same time.
Korra stayed.
She removed her shoes and laid next to Asami. She healed almost everything, but she seemed to be having a dream right now as she noticed her eyelids flutter for a moment. Korra instinctively put one hand over Asami's head and the other caressing her cheek.
"It's okay. You're okay." Korra cooed. Something Asami had done back in the Air Temple Island when she was still there.
Korra stiffened as Asami scooched closer, one hand splayed across her stomach and her head on the crook of her neck. She continued to caress Asami's cheek. Like muscle memory, she began singing her a lullaby as she did back in the airship ages ago.
She wasn't the best singer, but she did anyway, cradling Asami to sleep like this is where she belonged all this time.
Until she heard the shackles again.
Korra wanted to curse. To shout. Tell her nightmares just to give her a break. Just this once.
She closed her eyes, still singing a lullaby to Asami, but the sound of the chains grew louder. Korra shut her eyes until it hurt. Until a single tear fell, and she opened them again.
There it was. Her avatar self again. Staring back at her. Just by the window and Korra took a deep, slow breath. She knew what she was going to do. She had to face herself. Whatever it took.
Slowly she extracted herself from the sleeping heiress in the bed. Korra gathered her stuff with a heavy chest. She crouched lower to kiss Asami on the forehead. Korra wanted to come with her. She wanted to wake her up, but she couldn't bring herself to.
Korra looked at her one last time, heart in her throat, she whispered, "I love you, Asami."
And just like that, she was gone.
