Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

a/n: I apologize big time for the delay in updating. The summer has gone by so fast and I haven't been able to keep up. I promise to keep to a better schedule in the future. And thanks to everyone who's reading along and reviewing. Especially everyone who emailed to ask for an update. You guys definitely inspire me!

- x -

Whenever she thought that things couldn't possibly get any worse, life had a way of slapping her right in the face with more. It would almost be funny if it didn't hurt so much.

Everywhere she went, Emma could feel people watching her. They stared at her and searched her face for signs of pain and sadness. She felt like an exhibit in a museum, or worse, an attraction in a freak show. No one had the guts to come up to her and actually talk to her, though. Even JT and Toby had kept their distance all morning, looking at her with sad, pitying eyes.

She didn't know how much more of this she could take.

Emma stood on line in the cafeteria and tried to block it all out. She'd spent all weekend at the hospital, sitting beside Snake's bed during visiting hours, sitting in the waiting room with Jack when they were over. When Snake was awake, Emma would talk to him, tell him about what was going on at school, how the MI sub was doing, what stupid jokes JT had played recently. When he was sleeping, she and her mother would sit there in silence, taking turns soothing Jack when he got cranky.

Chris had kept her company sometimes too, holding her hand and just being quiet. He brought her tea sometimes and tissues when she cried. His being there should have made her feel better, but it hadn't worked. Instead she'd felt like the most awful person in the world, totally undeserving of any of Chris' attention or concern. She felt especially bad when she went home at night and cried on Sean's shoulder because she felt so much better when she was with him. Sean made her feel safe in a way that Chris just couldn't, and Emma just couldn't pretend otherwise.

But neither of them had the power to really fix things for her. Snake hadn't slipped into a coma, as the doctors had feared, and he was pretty much holding his own. But the cancer was still there, and the doctors didn't seem especially hopeful.

Her mother had sent her back to school today because she didn't think that there wasn't any point in Emma missing her classes when Snake's condition probably wouldn't change. "You shouldn't sit around here all day when you could be learning," her mother had said. "Besides, it'll take your mind off all this for a while."

Emma knew that there was nothing that would take her mind off Snake, but she'd come to school because her mother wanted her to. She paid for her iced tea, and walked quickly across the cafeteria so she could escape all the stares and whispers.

"Hey Emma!" she heard someone call, just as she was almost to the exit. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Emma turned and saw Ashley sitting at a nearby table with Ellie. They'd both finished their lunches, but seemed to be talking quietly. Emma felt a headache coming on, hard and fast, as she tried to imagine sitting across a table from Ellie, meeting her eyes and pretending that Sean was just some another guy. It would be like torture, cruel or unusual punishment.

But it would have been worse to make a scene and refuse to talk to Ashley, so Emma sat down across from her, totally avoiding looking at Ellie, and prayed that the conversation would be short.

"I had an idea for SITE that I wanted to talk to you about before our next meeting," Ashley said quietly.

She seemed nervous, as if she was afraid of offending Emma. She probably wanted to ask about Snake but couldn't find the words.

"Great," Emma said, faking enthusiasm. "What's the idea?"

She sneaked a peek over at Ellie, who was scribbling something in a notebook. She seemed totally uninterested in the conversation, which relieved Emma for some reason. At least Ellie didn't suspect anything.

"Well, all our projects have focused on environmental concerns outside the school. You know, more global issues," Ashley said. "But if we really want to raise awareness, I think we need to get students thinking about environmental issues on a daily basis."

Emma nodded, and smiled to encourage Ashley to continue. Inside, though, she was thinking, 'My father's dying. Who gives a damned about endangered species or rain forests?'

"I think we should talk to Raditch about setting up a recycling program here at Degrassi. We could raise money to buy bins for cans and plastics here in the cafeteria. And we could have boxes placed in the classrooms for recycling paper and stuff. This way, kids would be taking an active part in helping the environment."

"That's a great idea, Ashley," Emma said. "Really."

She might not care about the environment right now, but she could still appreciate someone else's passion.

"I'm glad you like," Ash said, smiling. "I'll try to set up a meeting with Raditch sometime this week."

Emma nodded absently. She felt so uncomfortable just sitting at the same table with Ellie that she couldn't think about much else. When she looked up, she realized that Ashley was looking at her with sad, sympathetic eyes. Ashley looked around quickly, as if to see if anyone was listening, then leaned across the table.

"Emma," she whispered. "How are things at home?"

This got Ellie's attention, who put her pen down, and discreetly looked at Emma too, with the same pitying look that Ashley wore. God, please don't make this any worse, Emma thought. Don't make me feel even more guilty.

"Not so good," she admitted. She felt like she had to push her voice out from somewhere deep inside her. "The chemo doesn't seem to be working anymore, so ..."

Emma looked down, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She couldn't break down, not here in the cafeteria, in front of the entire school. Not sitting across from Ellie. From Sean's girlfriend.

"I'm really sorry," said Ellie, in a soft, quiet voice that was both sincere and sympathetic.

Emma forced herself to look over at Ellie and nod.

"Me too," Ashley whispered. "If you need anything, Emma, like someone to talk to or whatever, just ask."

No, I'm fine, Emma wanted to say. I'm just using Ellie's boyfriend to get through all of this. Hope that's okay.

She took a deep breath instead, and nodded again.

"Thanks," she mumbled. "And tell everyone that my mother really appreciated the food you guys brought over. You really shouldn't have gone to all that trouble but it was very thoughtful."

Ellie and Ashley nodded solemnly, and the three girls sat there, awkwardly silent, for what felt like hours. Emma tried to think of a way to get away quickly, without bringing any attention to herself.

But then, Ellie suddenly sat up straighter, saying 'Oh,' under her breath. She waved at someone beyond Emma's shoulder, then called, "Sean, hey! Over here!"

Emma felt her heart explode inside her chest, saw her life flash before her eyes. It was like some terrible nightmare. She wanted to run, screaming, from the cafeteria now, before she actually had to look at Sean with Ellie sitting right there beside him.

Really, this was probably just the universe's way of punishing her. She'd been selfish and awful for weeks now, and she acted like she was entitled to behave that way because her father was dying. Sure, she was going through a terrible, unfair thing, but that didn't give her the right to ruin someone else's life. That didn't give her the right to break Chris and Ellie's hearts.

Emma stared down at her lap, hoping the ground would open beneath her and swallow her whole.

"Hey," she heard Sean say in a quiet, careful voice. Even without looking at him, she could tell that he was wondering what the hell was going on, why Ellie and Emma were sitting together in the cafeteria like the best of friends.

"Do you have a minute?" Ellie asked. "Sit down."

Emma forced herself to look up. Sean sat beside Ellie, but angled his body so he wouldn't have to look in Emma's direction. She couldn't bear to look at the two of them together either, so she stared at the table top instead. That only made things worse, as she saw Ellie reach out and grab Sean's hold. Emma felt sick to her stomach.

"I'm sorry that I didn't get to see you this weekend," Ellie told Sean. "We were working on a couple new songs for the band, and then Ash and I had an English project to work on, so I was swamped."

"It's fine," Sean said, sounding distracted.

The table was quiet for a long moment, so Emma seized the opportunity. Without looking anyone in the eye, she said, "I've gotta go," and bolted from the table as quickly as possible.

As she walked off, she heard Ashley say, "I feel so bad for her," and Ellie reply, "I know."

Emma didn't hear Sean say a word.

- x –

In gym, they were supposed to be playing volley ball, but Coach Armstrong had been called to talk to Raditch. Unsupervised, the boys all just stood around, talking and goofing off.

Craig leaned back against the bleachers, and looked around. Spinner was trying to prove that he could walk across the floor on his hands, while Jimmy and Marco were trying their hardest to knock him over. Craig looked over on the other side of the net, and noticed Sean, slumped against the wall with his arms crossed and a pretty nasty scowl on his face. He hadn't taken off his stupid ski cap for gym class. What? Did he sleep in the damned thing, Craig wondered. It was bizarre.

But whatever his clothing habits were, Sean looked pretty pissed off about something. He glared across the room, where JT and Toby sat with Chris Sharpe near the water fountain. They were having an animated conversation about something, as JT waved his hands through the air comically, and Toby and Chris laughed loud and hard. Sean looked like he wanted to break someone's neck, pound his fist into someone's face. Craig felt stupidly grateful that it wasn't him that Sean was looking at with such anger.

All of a sudden, Sean started to walk across the gym, stopping at the water fountain for a drink. Craig watched as he backed up and bumped right into Chris, hard. Chris turned, clearly confused, and found Sean snarling at him.

"Watch it," Sean growled.

Craig had watched the whole thing, and he could tell that Sean had run into Chris on purpose, though he couldn't figure out why.

"What's your problem?" Chris asked, annoyed.

"My problem?" Sean shook his head. "You're my fucking problem."

Chris frowned in disgust. "Give me a break."

He started to turn, back to Toby and JT, when Sean just seemed to snap and slammed Chris against the wall. He grabbed fistfuls of his shirt

"You got something to say to me?" Sean demanded, his face turning red. He grabbed fistfuls of Chris' shirt, and slammed Chris against the wall again. "Fucking say it to my face, asshole."

Chris was caught off-guard, and lamely tried to push Sean off. He didn't do a very good job of it, and it seemed like Sean wanted to do some serious damage. Craig looked over at Jimmy, who seemed to read the situation the same way, and together they ran across the room and tried to pull Sean off Chris. Sean was determined though, and it took a serious effort to break them apart.

"You're crazy, man," Chris shouted, straightening his shirt.

"Go to hell," Sean said as he stormed off. He pushed the doors to the gym open and let them slam behind him.

"You okay?" Jimmy asked Chris.

"I'm fine. Thanks, guys."

Jimmy and Craig headed back over to the other side of the gym, where Spinner and Marco stood, watching.

"Is it just me, or has Sean Cameron become a total psycho?" Spinner asked.

"The guy's always been nuts," Jimmy said. "But he's gotten a whole lot worse since he started hanging out with Jay and his crew."

"He's definitely got some anger management issues," Marco added, looking concerned. "I mean, what was all that about? Seriously?"

The four of them shook their heads, none of them having an answer.

"I hope Ellie knows what she's gotten herself into," Spinner said finally.

"You think he'd hurt her?" Marco asked, alarmed.

"I don't know about physically," Jimmy said. "But he sure knows how to screw a girl up. Ask Emma about that."

Craig felt guilty all of a sudden. He knew that Sean wasn't a total jerk. They'd been friends once, after all. And if people were going to talk about what Sean had supposedly done to Emma, then what were people saying about him and Ash? Him and Manny? He couldn't stand by and hear Sean get trashed when he deserved it even more.

"I don't know, guys," Craig said finally. "I think deep down, Sean's a good guy. He just... you know—"

"Spare me," Jimmy said. "He's a total fuck-up."

"Speaking of Emma," Spinner said. "Anyone heard anything about Mr. Simpson?"

The guys continued talking, but Craig stopped listening. He wondered if Ellie really was going to wind up hurt by Sean. It's not your problem, Craig reminded himself. But for some reason, he couldn't help worrying.

- x –

Sean sat on the floor in front of his locker, trying to catch his breath. The adrenaline was still rushing through his body, making him want to put his fist through a wall or smash something to pieces.

He could always sense when he was about to lose control like this, but there was never anything that he could do to stop it. He'd been standing there in gym, feeling bored and annoyed, and for some reason, he couldn't stop staring at that stupid punk ass Chris Sharpe. The guy stood there, laughing like an idiot at something JT was saying, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

For fuck's sake, Sean screamed inside his head. The guy had spent all weekend with Emma at the hospital, Sean knew, watching her cry and worry about her father, and now he was going around like nothing was wrong, that he didn't even remember what Emma had looked like with tears in her eyes and a broken heart.

Sean had spent two nights with her over the weekend himself, and he didn't think he'd ever get the image of her crying herself to sleep out of his head. There was nothing he could do for her, and he hated feeling so helpless. It made him want to kick someone's ass. He'd feel better if he just did that ...

But Sean had tried to tell him to relax. So Chris wasn't taking this as hard as he should be. That's not my problem, he told himself. But really, it was his problem. Everything that involved Emma these days was his problem.

All he'd wanted was to beat Chris' smiling face into a bloody pulp. He'd feel better then.

But he hadn't been able to get that far, and now he just felt stupid, frustrated, and even more helpless. He buried his face in his hands, wishing desperately that all of this would just go away.

"Come on, Cameron," a voice said from above him. "It can't be that bad."

Sean looked up to find Jay smirking at him. This was the last thing that he needed right now.

"I am not in the mood, man, so just leave me alone."

"Wow, you are in a bad way. It's gotta be about a girl," Jay laughed. "So which one is it? The red head? Or the blonde?"

"Fuck off, Jay."

Jay leaned back against the wall, looking pensive. He clearly had no intention of leaving.

"I gotta tell you, man... you've got pretty crappy taste in women. I mean, both of them are more trouble than they're worth. Unless they're more into giving than I realized..." He smiled in a slimey way.

Sean stood in a hurry, blooding rushing to his head. Without giving Jay any warning, he slammed him against the wall.

"If you don't shut up, I—"

"Hey! There you are! I've been looking fucking everywhere for you."

Both Jay and Sean turned to the end of the hall, where Alex came running from.

"What the hell is this?" she asked, indicating Sean's hold on Jay.

Reluctantly Sean let go and stepped back.

"You must be thirsty for blood for today," Alex said to Sean. "I just heard you roughed up that dumb ass DJ kid in the gym or something."

Jay tipped his head back, laughing loud and deep.

. "Oh, I see how it is now," he said. "It is the blonde. Mr. Hip Hop getting a little too up close and personal with your precious Emma? Didn't your mommy ever teach you to share your toys, Cameron?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Sean barked.

"You're messing around with that loser again? Come on, Sean," Alex said. "I mean, not that the other one is any better. She's big time scary."

Sean threw his head back, feeling his blood boil. He was going to explode. He could feel it. He took a deep breath, and tried to get himself under control.

"That's fucking it," he said, as calmly as he could manage. "I'm done with you, okay? All of you. Leave me the hell alone. Leave Ellie alone. Leave Emma alone. Got it?"

"Come on, man," Jay said. "You're freaking out over nothing. We're just messing around with you. No big deal."

Sean shook his head. He was in no mood for this crap. Really, he hadn't been in the mood to deal with Jay and all of them for a while now. Today, though, a line had been crossed.

"Listen," Jay said. "Let's go take a ride. I know a place where—"

Sean let out a loud, bitter laugh. "What is wrong with me?" he said. "I can't believe it took me this long to realize what a loser you are."

Jay stopped dead in his tracks, and seemed to turn red. His jaw was clenched tight and his eyes narrowed into dark slits. He stepped closer to Sean, so he was right in his face.

"I don't care what your little girlfriends told you to make you think you're better than us, Cameron," Jay said quietly. "But you're just like us. You're ONE of us. You can fight it all you want but it doesn't matter."

"Fuck you," Sean growled. "I'm nothing like you. And I don't want to be."

Jay shook his head, snarling like a wild animal.

"You're making a big mistake, Cameron," he said. "You don't want me for one of your enemies. You should know that by now."

"I'm not one of those losers who's afraid of you, Jay."

Sean started to walk away, back toward the locker room to change out of his gym clothes.

"You should be," Jay called after him. "Cause I don't forget things like this."

Sean ignored him, and kept walking. These days, Jay and his threats were just one more problem to add to a long, long list. And really, Sean had more important things to worry about.