Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters.
a/n – Again, thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing the story. Special thanks to everyone's who emailed. I so appreciate your support.
- x -
Emma held her mother's hand as she cried quietly into a tissue. Caitlin sat on her other side, rubbing her back and making soothing sounds. Joey leaned against the far wall, looking both angry and afraid.
No one spoke.
They were waiting for the doctors to come back with test results -- Snake's blood count or something like that, Emma couldn't remember. The whole night was a blur, like a bad dream where nothing seemed real but it all hurt anyway.
When she arrived at the hospital and saw Snake, asleep in bed, she almost didn't recognize him. She'd seen him just the night before, and he'd been pale and weak then, but now he looked so much thinner, so much paler, so much more fragile. It was like death had come into the room and already started to do its work. She hadn't been able to stay with him, so she just kissed Snake's cheek and left as quickly as she could.
The only reason that she hadn't totally fallen apart, Emma thought, was because she knew that Sean was somewhere in the hospital. He'd made some excuse before they got to Snake's floor – something about getting her a drink or something – so that he wouldn't have to come with her. He probably didn't want to intrude on a family thing, and he probably didn't want to see Snake, so sick and weak. It was just as well since Emma didn't know how to explain to her mother that it was Sean at the hospital with her and not Chris.But then again, given what her mother was going through, Emma probably could have shown up with Brad Pitt, and her mom wouldn't have noticed. Not that anyone could blame her.
Sean had gone off to get that drink an hour and a half ago but Emma hadn't seen him since. Joey told her that he'd passed by at one point, when she and her mother had gone for some fresh air, just to see how things were. Joey didn't seem to think it strange that Sean was there in the middle of the night, checking up on Emma and her family, but that was probably because he was so out of it too, essentially waiting for his friend to die.
Just ten or so minutes ago, Emma had thought she saw Sean at the other end of the hallway, looking around the corner, but he'd turned so quickly that she couldn't be sure it was him.
It didn't matter if it was or not. Emma knew he was still here somewhere, waiting for her. She could just feel it.
Finally, Snake's doctors, two older men with gray hair, emerged from his room. They looked very serious, like they'd never laughed once in their lives.
"Mrs. Simpson," the taller one said to her mother. She stood shakily, and wiped at her eyes. "We've given your husband antibiotics to treat his pneumonia but with his immune system compromised the way that it is, it's tough to predict how he'll react."
The other doctor stepped forward. "We've gone over his most recent test results, and it appears that he's not responding to the treatment. His blood count has been holding steady, so the leukemia doesn't appear to have advanced, but we have to be realistic here."
Emma watched her mother wipe away fresh tears, nodding slowly.
"We know how hard this is for a family," the first doctor said. "But we want you to be prepared, to understand. The next twelve hours will critical, and we'll be better able to assess his condition then. But it doesn't look good, Mrs. Simpson."
Emma's mother covered her face with her hands, sobbing quietly. The doctors frowned sympathetically; they didn't seem uncomfortable, though, probably because they'd gone through scenes like this a million times before.
Caitlin stepped forward, and thanked them, as Joey helped her mother over to a chair. Emma sat there numbly, not knowing what to do or say.
"Spike," Caitlin whispered, as she crouched down in front of Emma and her mother. "They're doctors, but they're not all-knowing. You can't give up hope."
"That's all I've been clinging to!" her mother shouted. "Look where it's gotten us."
"We need to pray," Joey said quietly. "That's what we need to do."
Caitlin nodded. "Em, honey, why don't you go with Joey to the chapel? Say some prayers, all right?"
Emma stood without thinking, just going on auto-pilot.
She didn't know how much she had to say to God right now, since he'd pretty much let her down big time, but she went with Joey, leaving her mother crying in Caitlin's arms.
- x –
The thing about living on his own was that Sean could stay out all night whenever he wanted to, if he wanted to. He'd never thought that would mean spending an entire night in a hospital but his life was totally screwed up lately so it made a strange kind of sense.
He wandered the halls now, not knowing what to do. In his hand, he held a can of Dr. Pepper, Emma's favorite, that he was supposed to bring her hours ago. He'd been holding it for her so long, though, that it had gotten warm. She probably wouldn't want to drink it now.
When they'd gotten to the hospital, he couldn't bring himself to go up and see Mr. Simpson. It was just too much for him. And he thought that Emma should be with her mother, without him around making everyone uncomfortable. He'd have to go up and face her eventually, he knew, and when he ran into Joey outside the bathroom, and found out that Emma was alone in the hospital chapel, Sean decided that it was now or never.
When he finally found the chapel, it was dark inside, lit only by a bunch of thick white candles in the front. Emma sat in the front row, her head bowed. It was so quiet that it gave Sean the creeps. People only came to places like this when things were really bad, and the whole place had that kind of dark, depressing vibe to it.
He walked in as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb Emma. She must have heard him, though, because when he sat down beside her, she didn't seem surprised.
"I got this for you," he said stupidly, handing her the can of soda. "I mean, it's warm now, but ..."
She took it from him, frowning. "Thanks."
"Are you okay?"
Emma shrugged, and Sean could see the tears wet in her eyes.
"Every day that he was here and didn't get any worse, I started to believe that the doctors were wrong, that he was going to pull through. But I was just being stupid and optimistic. I was just being so damned stupid."
"You've got to hope, Em. I mean, if you don't have that, how do you ever get through something like this?"
She looked over at him, looking stunned that Sean Cameron was preaching about hope. Truth be told, he was kind of surprised himself. Emma wiped at her eyes, and sighed.
"You know, the other day at the ravine, after you'd left, I made a promise to God," she said. "If Snake would just get better, if he'd make it through, then I would become a better daughter. I'd be a better friend and a better student. I'd just be a better person."
She was crying again, slow, heavy tears. Sean felt like an idiot because he didn't have any tissues for her.
"And I've tried, Sean. I've really tried. I've done everything my mom asked me to, and I tried to be better at school. I've tried to be better to Chris too, because he's been so good to me and deserves it. And with you ... "
She shook her head, sighing. When she looked at him, Sean felt it all the way to his heart. Even now, he found ways to hurt her without even knowing it, without meaning to. If he hadn't been hanging around her so much, maybe she wouldn't feel so bad, so guilty. That's why she hadn't let him kiss her again, he realized. She thought she'd be punished, that Snake wouldn't get better, if she let Sean get too close.
He looked away, toward the candles. He watched the wax drip down one of the sides.
"I've not to be so selfish," Emma whispered. "I thought it might... I thought then I'd deserve to have my father be all right, you know?" She laughed bitterly. "But it hasn't made any difference. Snake is still going to die."
Sean didn't know what to say. Life was so damned unfair that there wasn't any way to explain it. There wasn't any way to make her feel better.
"Emma—"
"And I get it now. Life is too short. It's too short to not do what you feel, in your heart, because we may not be here tomorrow. It can all be over, just like that.""I guess," he told her.
quiet
"My mother wants me to go home," she said. "She doesn't want to be here when ..." Emma shook her head furiously. "She thinks I can't handle it. And that makes me so angry, but I can't fight her. I mean, not when she's going through all of this. If she wants it this way then I'll go along with it."
Sean nodded, feeling utterly useless. What was he doing here if he couldn't help her, if he couldn't make things better for her?
Emma turned to him, her eyes so wide and dark, and her lips were all wet with tears. He didn't know what to say, so he leaned over and kissed her. It wasn't the most graceful kiss in the world, but he cut himself some slack considering the situation. He was surprised by how she responded, wrapping her arms around him tight and kissing him back desperately.
When they pulled apart, Emma was breathless and flushed, but she didn't look sorry. She looked around them, seeming to realize that they were in a place that wasn't exactly appropriate for a make out session.
"Will you come home with me?" she asked quietly. She tugged on the bottom of his jacket in a way that his heart beat faster.
"Yeah," he said, without thinking.
If Emma's world was ending, then he had to be there by her side. He couldn't be anywhere else.
- x –
Sometime after six a.m., Craig woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. He'd fallen asleep on the couch, with Jack sleeping nearby in his car seat. He didn't know much about taking care of babies, but Jack was really no trouble. He'd slept mostly, and there'd only been two diapers to change. Craig could handle that.
Especially considering what Jack's father was going through.
Groggily, he reached for the phone, and hit the on button.
"Hello?" he said.
"Craig! It's me!" Joey sounded like he'd won the lottery. "Listen, Snake's pneumonia is finally starting to respond to the drugs! His leukemia is still advancing, but it looks like he's out of the woods for the moment."
"That's great!" Craig said. "That's amazing news!"
"Yeah, it's like miracle or something. He's still in pretty bad shape, but we're not losing him yet."
Craig closed his eyes, feeling immensely relieved. He knew how hard it would be for Joey to lose his best friend. At least they'd be able to spend another day together ...
"I want you to do me a favor, though, all right?" Joey continued. "Give Emma a call at home. She should be awake because her mom's been calling home to let her know what's going on. Tell her that you're gonna keep Jack until about noon when I get home, okay? Tell her not to worry about having to get him."
"Okay. Sure thing."
"You don't mind, do you?"
"Come on, Joey. How could I?"
"You're a good guy, Craig. I'll see you soon."
Craig hung up the phone, smiling stupidly to himself. He looked over at Jack, who was starting to stir in his seat.
"Hey big guy, looks like your dad is gonna be all right," he told the baby. Under his breath, though, he whispered, "For now anyway."
It was definitely great news that Simpson wasn't going to die any time soon, but Craig couldn't help thinking that it was only delaying the inevitable, that it would be just as hard if it happened tomorrow, a week from now, next year. The truth was that it was never easy to lose someone that you loved. You'd always want more time. Craig knew that better than anyone.
Shaking those thoughts out of his head, he dialed Emma's number, and sat back. He listened to the phone ring once, twice, then three times. Maybe Joey was wrong, and Emma was finally getting some sleep. Craig was about to hang up when someone finally picked up on the other end.
"Hello?" a hoarse, sleepy voice said.
But it wasn't Emma's voice – it was distinctly a guy's voice. Craig was confused, wondering if he'd dialed the wrong number. But there was something sort of familiar about the voice , something he thought he recognized ...
"Hello?" the voice asked again, this time sounding a bit more alert and a bit more confused.
Craig hung up.
Something was wrong; he could feel it. He just didn't know what it was.
He dialed Emma's number again, this time more slowly, making sure each number was correct. This time, it was picked up on the first ring.
"Hello?" Emma said, sounding out of breath and edgy.
"Hey, Emma. It's Craig. Sorry to call so early."
There was a pause, like Emma was thinking carefully about his every word.
"No, it's fine. Is everything all right?"
"Yeah, Joey just called to tell me the good news about your dad," he told her. "I'm really happy for you guys."
"Thanks," she said, but the word sounded pretty hollow. "It's definitely good news."
Emma must have been having the same thoughts that Craig was. Snake was probably still going to die. They'd only been given a little more time; not a real miracle. He felt so sorry for her but he didn't know how to tell her.
"Anyway..." he said. "Joey wanted me to tell you that we're gonna keep Jack here until this afternoon. When Joey gets home, he'll bring him by. So you can get some rest, or whatever."
There was silence again. Craig could hear fabric rustling on the other end of the phone, like sheets being moved or clothes being put on.
"Thanks, Craig," Emma said quietly. "You guys have been so good to us through all of this. You've been such a big help."
"No problem, Em. You know we're always here if you need us."
"Thanks again, Craig." She sighed. "I'll talk to you soon."
"All right. Bye."
Craig hung up the phone, feeling very strange. Something strange was going on with Emma. It wasn't just that she was upset about her dad. There was something else in her voice, like she was afraid of something.
Maybe Chris had been with Emma last night? Maybe he had answered the phone, and Emma was worried that her mother might find out. But Chris had such distinctive accent; Craig would have known right away that it was him. Still, the voice seemed familiar, though he couldn't quite place it.
Craig shook his head. He'd probably just dialed the wrong number. What other explanation was there?
- x –
At the foot of the bed, Sean sat, tying his shoes. He looked like incredibly guilty, like he'd been caught committing a major crime.
"You don't really have to go," Emma told him. "I mean, if you don't want to..."
He looked at her over his shoulder, frowning."I should go. I mean, if your mom comes home ..."
She nodded, though she knew her mother wouldn't be home for hours. He felt uncomfortable now, and there was no way to talk him into staying. Even though it was the thing she wanted most in the world. To just know that he'd be here with her.
He finished with his shoes, and sat still for a moment. He turned suddenly and looked at her. He'd always been able to make her melt with just one look – after everything that had happened between them, it had only stronger. She just couldn't seem to control herself him.
"I'm sorry about the phone thing, Em," he said quietly. "I was still half-asleep and I guess I thought I was home and I just answered it without thinking. It was a really stupid thing to do."
"It's not a big deal," she assured him. "It was just Craig. He probably thought it was a wrong number."
"Yeah, but it could have been your mom or even –" Sean stopped himself, but she knew who he meant: Chris. "I don't want to get you in trouble."
"You didn't," she said firmly. "So don't worry about it."
He slid closer to her, rubbing her knee over the blanket. She watched his hand move, almost mesmerized.
"I don't know what's going on here, Em," he whispered. "And I really don't want to have to explain it to anyone else."
Emma nodded.
"No one would get it..." she whispered back.
Sean shook his head sadly. "I don't think so."
Emma felt tears stinging her eyes, feeling guilty and awful. She didn't want Sean to see her like this, so she let her hair fall over her face, hoping he wouldn't see the tears.
But he reached out, and pushed her hair back. Emma had to look him in the eyes.
"Don't feel bad, Em," he said. "Everything that you're going through... you shouldn't feel bad about anything. It's like you said. You have to do what you feel. None of us knows how long we've got."
He smiled at her, and she felt herself grinning too, even as the tears kept falling.
"So let's not worry everyone else," she said.
God had let her down big time – if He wasn't going to look out for her, then she'd have to look out for herself. Sean made her feel better. It was that simple.
He smiled at her again, and nodded.
"I'm really glad that Simpson's okay," he told her.
"For now anyway."
"Em, you've gotta stay positive. Don't –"
"I know, I know. You're right."
He patted her knee again. "I'm gonna go. I'll see you later."
She nodded, smiling stupidly as he leaned in to give her a quick kiss. She held on to him, pulling him on top of her as she fell back in bed.
"You sure you have to go?" she whispered.
She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to have any time to think. To think about her father, about Chris, about Ellie. To feel guilty about all of this. If Sean was with her, she knew she wouldn't think about anything but him.
"I really should," Sean whispered.
She nodded again. He kissed her again, very softly on the mouth, almost like he was afraid she would break.
"See you later," she whispered back.
Emma watched him as he headed to the window, crawling out there even though no one else was in the house. It made sense – it was Sean's entrance after all.
She closed her eyes, and willed herself to fall asleep.
- x -
