Disclaimer – I don't own them.
a/n - I can't apologize enough for taking so long to update. I've been very busy with school and other things, so that hasn't left much time for writing. It stinks because I pretty much have the story planned out, and really only have to sit down and actually write it – I just haven't had the time. I promise to be better about updating from now on. Thank you to everyone who's still interested in this story. I will finish, I swear.
x -
Life could be really cruel. That was a lesson that Emma was learning over and over again these days.
Her mother had called her to the hospital in the middle of the night because everyone thought Snake was going to die. They'd all been devastated, terrified, and angry, trying to make sense of the most senseless thing that they could ever imagine. They'd all tried to prepare for the worst in their own way – her mom, Joey, Caitlin, Emma herself – but it was an impossible task. There was no way to accept that someone you loved was going to be taken from you. There was no way to get yourself ready for that.
And then, when they had all been cried out, worn down by the pain, the doctors had said that Snake had gotten over the pneumonia. His leukemia had not gone into remission, and his doctors were still hinting that it wouldn't be long, but it was an any minute kind of a thing. They'd have more time to figure out how to say goodbye. They'd have more time to cry.
Emma would have more time to numb herself to it all.
It was almost worse though. The way that their emotions were being played with. They'd been dealing for weeks with the thought that Snake was going to leave them, then he was in a hospital bed, ready to go at any minute. Now he was holding his own for the time being. Who knew what would happen tomorrow, though. Everything could change in a heartbeat.
Emma had stopped hoping that he'd recover. It seemed like a silly, little kid dream. Life wasn't fair. She may have been an idealist at one point, but she that much now.
So when she got home from school on Wednesday, she immediately headed for the basement. She didn't look to see if her mom was home for the hospital, or if someone else was in the house to watch Jack. It may have been selfish, but she wanted – no, needed – a half hour to herself before she could reenter the family tragedy, grab her jacket and head to the hospital to sit with Snake again.
If she stopped and thought about it, she would have been disgusted at the way she'd been acting lately, but luckily, she never allowed herself to think about it. In some important way, Emma felt like she'd been let down – by God or the universe, she wasn't sure. If she was going to lose her father, if her entire life was going to be turned upside down just like that, then she was going to do whatever she wanted. She was owed that.
In theory anyway. Sometimes, the guilt would hit her hard, and she'd have to bury her face in her pillow and cry, forcing herself not to think about Chris or Ellie or any of the other people who might be getting caught in the crossfire of her selfish behavior.
She bounded down the stairs to her room like the place was on fire, but just as she got far enough down to actually see inside her room, she stopped dead in her tracks. She even gasped a bit, like an actress in one of those melodramatic black and white movies from the 40s and 50s.
Spread out across her bed, casually, like he absolutely belonged there, lay Sean, reading a car magazine. His jacket and shoes were in a messy pile on the floor, near her own discarded clothing, and he'd even taken his hat off, which seemed stupidly significant to her.
He was being himself.
Since the night that he'd gone with her to the hospital, a pattern had developed. They saw each other every evening, just as they had been for weeks now, but there was no pretense anymore. They knew exactly why they were together and what they would do. They didn't really talk about it, but it was definitely understood.
When she was with Sean, Emma didn't think about much of anything, especially all the ugly, painful things that were going on in her life. She didn't feel any guilt either. All he made her feel was alive, which was amazing in and of itself, since it seemed like she was surrounded by nothing but death these days. And maybe even more important, he made her feel like he understood, like he knew exactly what she was going through. She didn't know what she'd do without him.
But as soon as Sean would leave, as soon as he started to put his shoes back on and find his jacket, all the questions and guilt would come back full force. She'd hear her mother on the floor above her, and she'd start to worry that she wasn't doing everything she could to help her family, that she was being a terrible daughter and sister. She'd think about Chris, and how all he'd done was care about her and support her, and she'd given him nothing in return. She'd think about Ellie, who hadn't done anything to deserve being hurt and who probably didn't have any idea where Sean was spending virtually all of her nights. She'd think about Sean, and wonder what it was that he felt for her – pity, sympathy, worry… maybe something more, something deeper. She didn't know.
She wanted to ask him about all of this, about Ellie and about his feelings, but she was too afraid of what he might say. It was easier to just keep quiet.
Finding him on her bed in the middle of the afternoon, though, was very strange, and she couldn't help reacting. Sean usually waited until it was dark to sneak down into her room; this was the first time that she'd seen him in her room when the golden shadows from the sun fell across her face.
Emma stood at the foot of the stairs, shocked, and placed her hand over her heart.
"Oh, god," she said, trying to catch her breath. "You scared the crap out of me!"
"Sorry," he said, smiling and sounding anything but apologetic. "I thought you liked surprises."
Emma smiled herself, and started to put her jacket and books away.
"I like surprise, yeah. Not heart attacks."
She turned to look at him again. He had put the magazine down, and was watching her intently.
"What would you have done if my mom came down here?" she asked him.
Sean shrugged.
"Hidden under the bed?"
"But you didn't move at all when I came down."
"I knew it was you," he said. "I know the way your steps sound."
Emma shook her head, laughing.
"You're insane."
He shrugged again, conceding the point.
"So where were you all this time?" he asked, sounding not accusatory but genuinely interested. "I've been waiting almost an hour."
She felt her heart pound again, and the guilt drift very far away. Just the thought that he'd been waiting for her made her feel giddy and out of control.
"I had a SITE meeting." She knew that she sounded as unenthusiastic as she'd felt about it. "But if I'd known that you were here…"
Sean sat up, very interested.
"You'd have blown it off?"
She paused for a moment, realizing what she was saying.
"Probably," she said finally.
As Emma sat beside Sean on the bed, taking off her shoes, she could feel him watching her. It made her feel incredibly nervous.
"Wow," he said. "That's not like good, little responsible Emma Nelson."
There was humor and affection in his voice, and she found herself laughing, smiling at him .
"Screw good old dependable Emma Nelson," she said, falling back on the bed beside him.
Sean laughed with her, but seemed a little caught off-guard. He stared at her across the pillow.
"Maybe I am a bad influence on you."
Emma sighed – the last thing on earth that she wanted was to make Sean feel guilty. Even after all the terrible things they'd said and done to one another when they broke up, he'd been nothing but a great friend to her in the past few months. Even more than that, if she was honest about it. She couldn't let him feel responsible for all the stupid, selfish things that she was doing lately.
"I don't think you can take credit for it any of this, Sean," she said sadly. "Not really."
He nodded, but it seemed like he was still somewhat doubtful. He brushed some of the air out of her eyes, and let out a deep breath.
"How is your dad?" he whispered.
She winced a little, but forced herself to look into Sean's eyes.
"Today, he's holding his own. Tomorrow, who knows?"
She felt a tear slip down her cheek. It was awful, but she'd pretty much accepted that Snake was going to be in the hospital indefinitely, that he'd probably never be home with her, her mom, and Jack ever again.
"Com'ere," Sean said.
He pulled her against him, and she curled around him, getting his t-shirt all damp with her tears.
"I am sick of crying," she told him. "It's pathetic. Every time I see you, I'm crying all over you. It's all I do. I don't know how you stand it."
He laughed quietly.
"It's not all you do, Em." Sean rubbed her back, pulling her even closer. "There's some other stuff too."
Emma knew immediately what he was referring to, but she couldn't handle a serious discussion about their 'relationship', or whatever the heck was going on between them. She felt herself blushing – her skin felt so warm that she thought she might go up in flames. It was better to make a joke of all of it, not let him know how much all of it meant to her – how much he meant to her.
"So that's why you put up with all the crying," she said lightly, hoping that would be the end of it.
Sean tensed up, and pulled back so he could look her in the eye.
"Em, you know it's not like that. I didn't come –"
She shook her head furiously.
"I know, Sean. I was just kidding. Really."
He looked at her intensely, like he was trying to decide if he believed her. Finally he relented, wiping some of the tears from her face. Emma felt the guilt coming back, full force, and she knew that she had to at least try to explain how she felt to him. She owed him that.
"I don't know how it happened…" she started to say. "Because I never thought I'd speak to you ever again, but you're like the only person who understands me these days."
Sean nodded, but didn't speak.
"It's like I don't have to pretend to be the person everyone expects me to be with you," she continued. "I can just be me… whatever that means … and I know you'll still be here."
He smiled, blushing a little himself.
"That's how I used to feel with you," he whispered. "Before I went and screwed everything up."
She started to shake her head, but Sean leaned in to kiss her, and she forgot what she going to say. Whenever they got like this, it seemed like they were the only two people on earth.
"When are you supposed to be at the hospital?" he asked a little while later, between kisses. He sounded breathless and out of control.
"In a couple of hours."
He nodded.
"I'll get you there on time, I promise," he said, smiling.
But in that moment, she didn't care if she ever left this room again. She closed her eyes, and forgot all about hospitals, sick fathers, and well-meaning boyfriends.
Sean was the only thing that she cared about.
x –
She'd been dreading this moment all day, but Ellie knew that it was inevitable. Ashley stood in a dark classroom, cleaning up after a SITE meeting. She was clearly concentrated on the task at hand, but she still wore an ugly scowl on her face, like she was planning on beating the crap out of the next person that she saw.
Lucky me, Ellie thought.
For the past few days, she and Ashley had been avoiding each other. To be fair, Ellie wouldn't have been avoiding Ash if she had her way, but everytime they came face to face, Ashley shot her a look that could killer a lesser person, so Ellie thought it was best to keep her distance. She wasn't exactly sure why Ash was so pissed, though she had a sneaking suspicion.
This morning, she'd come to school, determined to clear the air between them. She'd been waiting for the right moment, which never seemed to come, and now school had been over for an hour and time was running out.
Ellie took a deep breath.
"Hey Ash," she said from the doorway. "How'd the meeting go?"
Ashley looked at her over her shoulder briefly, her scowl deepening, then turned back to her work.
"Fine."
She wasn't about to make this easy for Ellie. That much was obvious. But Ellie wasn't going to be deterred. Ash was her best friend; she didn't want that to change.
"Was there a good turnout?" she asked. It sounded lame but she didn't know what else to say.
Ashley dumped a stack of papers into the trash can.
"Four more people than last time."
She spoke in a short, clipped manner that was cold and unfeeling, and sneered at Ellie like she was a cockroach or worm, something she'd like to crush under the heel of her shoe. Ash might be Ellie's friend, but she could really be a bitch when she set her mind to it.
Ellie sighed, fed up.
"What is your problem, Ash? You've been giving me the cold shoulder all week."
Ashley dropped the slides that she was gathered, and whipped her head up to glare at Ellie. She looked possessed or something, wild-eyed and angry.
"You want to know what my problem is?" she demanded. "You and Craig. That's my problem."
Ellie felt a little dizzy for a moment, panicking. She didn't know what to say. There was nothing going on between her and Craig. Nothing had happened between them. They'd had a couple of conversations about some meaningful stuff, but that was it. Big deal.
Then why did Ellie feel so guilty? Why had she been dreading the thought of having this conversation with Ashley? It might have something to do with the way she was starting to feel. The way she thought Craig might be feeling too. It might have something to do with the dream she'd had about Craig a couple of nights before.
Not that she was going to tell Ashley about that. She hadn't even been able to write about it in her journal, for god's sake.
It only got worse when she imagined what Sean would do if he found out …
Ellie pulled herself together, and met Ashley's stare.
"Ash, there is nothing going on between Craig and I. I mean, Sean—"
Ashley held up her hand, cutting Ellie off.
"I'm not an idiot, Ellie. I know there's nothing like that going on with you two."
Ellie shook her head, confused. She couldn't help feeling relieved though. And that made her feel even more guilty. She took a step closer to Ashley, and shrugged.
"Then what do you mean?"
"I'm not blind, Ellie. I see you two talking all the time. Hanging out. What? Are you like his best friend now?" Ashley put her hands on her hips. "At Paige's the other night, you were laughing with him like he was your favorite person on earth. You're supposed to be my friend, Ellie. My best friend."
Ellie lowered her head, feeling terrible. She hadn't intended on warming up to Craig. She still didn't understand how it had happened, actually. The whole thing was crazy.
"I was just talking to him, Ash," she said quietly. "We're not going to hang out together at the mall or anything."
Ashley barked out a laugh.
"Well, it sure seems like you're spending a whole lot of time together. This is Craig, okay? The guy who stomped all over my heart." She sighed, and in that moment, she seemed only hurt and vulnerable, not angry or vengeful. "How can you even stand to talk to him? After what he did? How can you even …"
A single tear ran down Ashley's cheek, and Ellie felt about two feet tall. This was the last thing that she wanted to happen – it was awful seeing Ash in so much pain. But she wasn't being entirely fair either. Craig had made a mistake. Weren't people supposed to get second chances?
Ellie stepped closer to Ashley, and patted her arm.
"Ash, you've got to let go of all of this. Craig did a terrible, selfish thing. But that doesn't mean you should torture him for the rest of high school. It's not good for—"
Ashley snorted, and lurched away from Ellie.
"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about!" she shouted. "Ellie Nash never would have said that a month ago. All of a sudden, you think Craig's a great guy. That I should forgive him, just like that. That's crap, Ellie!"
Ashley turned her back, and started to slip into her jacket. Ellie didn't know what to say. Maybe the way that she was starting to feel was affecting her friendship. Maybe Ashley was right – maybe she wouldn't have felt so charitable toward Craig a few weeks ago.
She watched as Ashley turned back to face her, frowning. This whole thing sucked, and she wished that she could just tell Ashley the truth. Even better, she wished that she could just go home now and tell Sean all about it. None of that was possible.
"Just so you know," Ashley said, as she gathered her books. "You can't be friends with both of us. You're gonna have to make a choice because I can't stand to be around anyone who can stand to be around that asshole. End of story."
Ashley pushed past her then, out the door and into the dark hallway.
Ellie sighed, feeling tears start to prick at her eyes. She sank into one of the chairs, and buried her face in her hands.
The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized that this was all Craig's fault. She didn't know how, but he'd made her feel almost sorry for him. He'd made her feel something wrong and out of control for him. He was coming between her and her best friend. He was making her feel guilty every time Sean smiled at her.
And who was this guy that she was letting ruin everything for her? A cheater. A loser who cared more about his hormones than his girlfriend who he claimed to love.
Well, that was it. She wasn't going to let Craig screw up her life anymore.
It didn't matter than she could still see the heartbroken look in his eyes when he'd talked to her about losing his parents. It didn't matter that she still remembered the way his hand felt in hers, so warm and soft.
She could make herself forget those things. She had to.
x –
Craig sat on the steps outside school, waiting for Spinner to finish up his detention so they could head off for band practice together. He was humming some new songs ideas to himself in an effort to kill the boredom, but it wasn't working very well.
He needed a distraction.
Suddenly, the doors flew open, and Ellie came running down the stairs, looking like she was fleeing a crime scene. She didn't see him sitting there in the corner, but she was clearly upset about something.
"Hey Ellie!" he said. "Where's the fire?"
She spun around quickly, and looked at him. Glared at him was more like it. He'd gotten looks like this from her before, but that was months ago, before they'd really gotten to know one another. He found himself backing away from her, without knowing why he was doing it.
"Look, Craig," she huffed impatiently. "I know you think we're friends now or something, but I'm not one of your buddies, okay? So just leave me alone."
He shook his head, utterly confused. They'd spoken just this morning. He'd told her about a new CD he'd gotten, and she'd asked him to burn her a copy. There hadn't been any tension or anything. This was bizarre.
"Huh?" he finally stuttered. "What?"
Ellie charged toward him, eyes blazing. He knew it was inappropriate considering the circumstances, but he couldn't help noticing again how pretty she was. It was crazy but he almost smiled at her.
"I don't want to talk to you, okay?" she said.
Craig shook his head again.
"I don't get it. We were fine this morning." He took a step toward her, but she back away this time. "What did I do?"
Ellie threw her hands up, looking at him like he was an idiot.
"You screwed Ashley over. Or did you forget that already?"
He frowned. What the hell was going on here?
"I thought we'd kind of gotten past all that. I didn't—"
"Well, you thought wrong," Ellie said. She turned away, and in the shadows, she looked as if she might actually want to hurt him.
Craig felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, like he'd been sucker punched in the gut.
"I don't get it," he whispered.
Ellie turned slowly, and for a moment, her face softened. He thought that he saw the faint glimmer of tears in her eyes, but he couldn't be sure.
"What's there to get?" she said. "Ash is my best friend. I'm not going to do anything that would hurt her."
Craig took another step toward her. He wanted to touch her, but he knew that would be a mistake.
"What have you done that would hurt her?" he whispered. "We haven't –"
"You know what I mean, Craig." Ellie looked down at the ground, biting her lip. "I can't talk about this anymore."
She turned suddenly, and ran down the steps. Her hair flew in the wind like flames.
Craig watched her go, feeling like he'd missed something important.
