Disclaimer – Still don't own anything.
A/N – I know how long it's been since I last updated, and I'm so sorry – school and other real life obligations have been kicking my butt for a while now. I have the story totally outlined, so I know I'll finish it. I just hope those who are reading along will hang in there with me – thanks to everyone for all the great reviews. I know the stuff going on in this story is pretty much old news as far as DNG the TV show is concerned, but I like the little world we've got going on here so I'm pushing forward. Hope you enjoy.
- x –
For once, Emma actually took the time to appreciate the sun shining brightly above, the way the clear blue sky deepened over the tops of the trees, and the soothing touch of the breeze against her skin as she climbed the steps of the Degrassi Community School. She couldn't believe it, but the morning actually seemed less than miserable for a change. Yesterday evening, when she'd gone to see Snake in the hospital, he'd been awake the entire time, carrying on a silly and pointless conversation that made him seem like the good, old, goofy Snake that she knew and loved. Her mother had sat in the corner, listening to Emma and Snake talk, smiling softly the whole time, and for the first time in a long while, Emma could see hope blossoming in her mother's eyes again.
Emma wished that she could feel that same faith that her mother had rediscovered, but it still eluded her. Maybe she had crossed too far over into dark, hopeless, cynical territory at this point to ever go back to who she had once been.
But even Emma had felt better leaving the hospital yesterday – like Snake had suddenly remembered what he had was worth fighting for, and he wouldn't go gently into that good night… he'd hang on for a while, as long as possible – and then she'd found Sean waiting on her front porch for her, and the world seemed impossibly right for the rest of the night.
She still carried that feeling with her somehow, as she put her books away in her locker and hunted for English books.
"Emma! Thank God I found you!" a voice called out over the noise of the crowded hallway.
She turned to find J.T. barreling into her with all the speed of a freight train.
"Tell me you did Armstrong's homework assignment last night," he urged. "Tell me you did it and you'll let me take a quick little peek at it so I won't get stuck with another week of after-school trig lessons."
Emma put her hand on her hip, getting ready to lecture J.T. on how he should do his own homework assignments if he ever wanted to graduate from Degrassi, but before she could get the words out, she spotted Sean's dark ski cap at the next section of lockers over. She started to smile, remembering how he'd looked just last night in her room, his hair all messy and his eyes all dark and wild.
Across the hall, Sean was smiling himself, looking decidedly less than miserable himself. Emma mimicked his smile, but as she looked closer, she realized that Sean was grinning down at someone, looking all starry-eyed at someone else. And not just anyone either.
At Ellie.
He was smiling down, all bright-eyed and happy, at Ellie. His girlfriend.
Emma felt something in her stomach go cold. For a moment she thought she might actually be sick, right here in the middle of the hallway, with J.T. and Sean and Ellie all close enough to watch, but she took a deep breath, and tried to calm the dizzying feeling in her head. She had no right to feel this way – like her heart had been torn clean out of her chest and stomped on with a pair of stiletto heels. Ellie was Sean's girlfriend, the only one who had any real claim to him. Emma had known all along, somewhere deep inside, even if she didn't want to face it, but standing in the hallway, watching them make kissy-faces at one another, it hit her like a lighting bolt.
And the truth hurt.
If she played any role in Sean's life these days, it was as some kind of sleazy mistress, the slut he was cheating on his girlfriend with.
And she hadn't even considered what she was doing to Chris in all this.
Clearly Emma was in no position to feel hurt.
Yet she felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach as she watched Sean and Ellie as they talked down the hall. Sean reached out, and pushed a piece of Ellie's hair behind her ear, stroking her cheek. Emma's vision seemed to go blurry, and she thought her ears might be ringing…
"Emma! Yoo hoo!"
J.T. waved his hands in front of her face.
"Earth to Emma. Are you still with us?"
She shook her head, forcing herself to focus on J.T.
"Sorry," she mumbled. "I'm just…"
J.T. seemed willing to let her odd behavior go. Everyone seemed to be letting Emma get away with anything these days because her step-father was lying in a hospital bed, waiting to die.
"The trig homework," J.T. reminded her gently.
Without thinking, she reached into her binder, and pulled out the pages that held Armstrong's assignment.
"Here," she said, handing it over. "Just make sure you get it back to me before lunch, okay?"
"Sure, sure," J.T. beamed. "Thank you, Emma! You are a saint."
She watched as J.T. bolted down the hallway, and shook her head.
She was anything but a saint. They'd read "The Scarlet Letter" in English last week, and Emma thought she could use a big red letter stitched across her chest. That was what she deserved anyway.
Enough, she told herself. Stop this stupid pity party and get on with your life.
Before she gathered her books together, though, she took one last look at Sean and Ellie, and sighed.
- x –
I'm being punished, Craig thought to himself as he slowly made his way down the hallway. I'm being punished for what I did to Ashley. And you know what? I pretty much deserve it.
Not only had Ellie essentially told him to get lost, but now he also had to watch her fawning all over Sean in the middle of the hallway at school. He refused to analyze too closely why their PDA bothered him so much, but at least he was able to admit that it did indeed bother him. He watched them kiss for a moment before finally turning a way.
He might deserve a little hell for what he'd done to Ashley and Manny, but he wasn't that much of a masochist.
Craig was starting to feel like the ground was falling out from under him. He had no idea what was going on with his life these days. He'd started out trying to be friends with Ellie because he thought it might take some of the heat off of him for the Ashley debacle, but somewhere along the way, Craig forgot about Ashley all together, and it became all about Ellie – about how easy she was to talk to, how she always seemed to understand what he was saying, even when she didn't agree with him, how pretty she looked when she smiled, how it sometimes seemed that if he could just reach out and touch her, then the rest of the world would fall away. He'd felt some of that with Ashley, and some with Manny, but with Ellie, all of it seemed to hit him at once.
But it was pointless and stupid and something he'd just have to forget because she had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. Sean had been his friend once, but these days, they were pretty much strangers. Craig knew Sean had fallen in with Jay and his crowd, and those guys were nothing but bad news. That was certainly not something Craig wanted to get mixed up in.
He took a deep breath, and forced himself to walk down the hallway without looking back at Ellie and her boyfriend. It was harder to do than it seemed, but he made it past the water fountain without looking back once, and was ready to call it a full-out victory when he spotted Emma, standing in front of her locker, looking like someone had told her that the last rainforest on earth had been burned to the ground. She was pale and dark-eyed, her hands shaking as she lifted a book from the top shelf.
Here Craig was, indulging in a nauseating bout of self-pity, while Emma had to sit back and watch her step-dad slip further and further away. She had real problems, real tragedy knocking on her front door. And Craig knew firsthand how that kind of pain felt – he'd lost his mother when he was just a little kid and now his father was gone too. He should know better than to pretend that stupid high school drama like crushing on a girl who already had a boyfriend and hated your guts was going to be the end of the world.
He was going to stop being so selfish and grow up a little – right here and now.
Slowly, Craig walked up to Emma's locker, and leaned against the wall. She was so out of it that she didn't even notice him standing there. Looking closer, Craig thought he saw tears in her eyes, but it seemed like she was holding them in through the sheer force of her will alone.
He knew Emma – she was too proud to cry in the middle of a crowded hallway, even though that was probably exactly what she needed to do.
"Hey, Em," said Craig softly. "How's it going?"
She looked up, startled, and almost dropped her books.
"Craig. Hey."
"You okay?"
Emma seemed to realize all of a sudden how she looked. She wiped at her eyes roughly, and patted her hair down.
"I'm okay," she said. "I'm fine. Really."
Craig nodded, not believing her for a minute.
"How's your dad?"
She met his eyes intensely, almost as if she thought he was testing her or something.
"Pretty much the same," she said. "But he was in a better mood last night. We gossiped about the Media Immersion sub. Talked about the basketball team's big win on Tuesday. He even made one of his goofy jokes about the chili in the cafeteria." She stopped for a moment, smiling wistfully. "It was almost as if …"
"He wasn't sick?" asked Craig.
Emma looked at him, her mouth seeming to tremble with the effort of fighting off a frown.
"Yeah."
He nodded.
"That's good. It's good to have nice memories like that if… you know, when…"
Craig stuttered, feeling like an idiot. Sure, throw it up in the poor girl's face that her father is going to be dead any minute now. Nice one. He shifted nervously, trying to find a way out of this mess.
"I'm sorry, Em," he whispered.
She shook her head, but her eyes still looked glassy and red.
"It's okay, Craig. It was the first good day we've had in a long time. I'm glad we could have that."
Emma smiled, and for the first time since he'd come to her locker, she looked like the strong, feisty girl that Craig remembered. The smile faded, though, as quickly as it had come, and she once again seemed pale and fragile under the hallway's fluorescent lights.
"Is something else wrong?" he asked, trying not to push too hard. "I know you haven't talked to Manny in a while. Is it –"
Emma shook her head firmly, but didn't speak.
"Is it Chris? I heard you guys were dating. Did you have a fight or something?"
Slowly, she raised her head, regarding Craig carefully. She tilted her head, like she was considering the question, then focused her attention on something just past his shoulder. He turned quickly to see what she might be looking at, but the hallway was crowded with people so it was impossible to tell. Emma realized that he knew she'd been distracted, and looked down at the floor, flushing.
"No, Chris and I are fine," she muttered. "I'm just tired. It's tough to get a lot of sleep around our house these days."
Craig nodded sympathetically, and reached out to pat Emma's shoulder.
"You've got to take care of yourself, Em," he told her. "I know that things are hard right now, but taking it out on yourself will only make it worse."
She frowned, and he wondered if he'd somehow said the wrong thing.
"I'm trying to take care of myself," she whispered. "I'm trying."
When she reached out to brace herself against the edge of her locker, Craig thought she might be about to pass out or something. He put his arm around her shoulder, consoling her as best he could, and was surprised when she slumped against him, her head tucked into the curve of his neck. He patted her shoulder awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.
"It'll be okay," he said lamely. Even he didn't find himself all that convincing.
Suddenly, Emma stood up straighter, though she still leaned against him lightly. She stared across the hall, almost as if she were in trance. Craig turned once again to see what had her so interested, but all he caught was a glimpse of Ellie and Sean moving down the hallway, hand in hand. He forgot all about Emma for a moment, and stared at Ellie's small hand, wrapped inside Sean's fist. It made him want to put his own fist through a wall, though he knew he had no right to feel that way. All he could do was bite his lip, and stare at his feet.
When he looked up, his gaze inevitably falling on Sean and Ellie, Craig was surprised to find himself meeting the steely stare of Sean himself. The guy looked pissed, like Craig had insulted his mother or questioned his manhood or something. For a moment, Craig panicked, convinced that Sean knew – Craig wanted Ellie all for himself. He tried to imagine how he'd explain himself, what he say.
He'd deny the entire thing, he decided. He'd tell Sean it was one giant misunderstanding. He'd only gotten closer to Ellie because he'd hoped he could win Ash over again. That was believable. It was possible.
It would have to do. He certainly wasn't about to tell the truth.
But before Craig could even open his mouth, Sean looked away, seemingly uninterested in a confrontation. Craig watched as he bent to whisper something to Ellie, who smiled softly and shrugged. They disappeared around the corner then, lost in their own world.
What the hell was that, Craig wondered. Did Sean know, and was only waiting to get Craig alone before he kicked his ass? Maybe he was just in a bad mood in general, and it was only a coincidence that he'd glared at Craig.
Beside Craig, Emma sighed softly, and he was pulled out of his musings. He looked down at her as she wiped at her eyes once more, and patted her arm.
"It'll be okay," he whispered again. "It'll be okay.
Emma nodded, and he nodded back, trying to believe the words himself.
- x –
People might be surprised to know it, but Sean Cameron actually had a pretty freaking persistent conscience. It usually didn't stop him from doing something dumb if he really wanted to do it but he always felt bad after the fact. His conscience was like that stupid cricket from the Disney movies – clueless and annoying, with a high-pitched, sing-songy voice.
That was probably why he was always doing stupid, destructive stuff – to spite the damn thing, maybe shut it up once and for all.
Still he knew he'd been pretty much ignoring Ellie lately, not to mention the fact that he was paying a hell of a lot of a certain kind of attention to Emma behind her back, and his pushy little conscience was going to nag him until he finally did something about it. In fact, the voice in his head was even louder today because he'd spent the entire night before with Emma, and was still in a good mood because of it (he'd even caught himself smiling in the mirror like a loser while he was brushing his teeth this morning, for God's sake) – feeling less than miserable while he was screwing Ellie over only made him feel more guilty, if that was possible.
The whole situation was fucked up – that much was obvious.
So he went out of his way to find Ellie before his first class. He'd even picked up one of the peanut butter granola bars that she liked so much on his way to school, and as he made his way to Ellie's locker, he promised himself that he wouldn't think of Emma once while he was with Ellie. It wasn't fair to either of them, and he didn't want to be that kind of guy.
He knew, deep down inside, that he actually had become that kind of guy, but he'd deal with that later. One step at time, he told himself.
"This is so sweet," Ellie said, smiling up at him. She held the granola bar between her hands, toying with the bright orange foil wrapper. "I woke up late and had to skip breakfast so you've totally saved me from low-blood sugar. Now I won't pass out in Physics."
He smiled back at her, remembering why he'd fallen for her in the first place. She made him feel like he was fine just the way he was, that there wasn't anyone else he had to be for her to like him. He wondered why she didn't seem angrier that they hadn't spent much time together recently, why she didn't seem to have a problem with the fact that he'd been MIA. Maybe she was just that understanding, that sympathetic.
Sean felt another wave of guilt pass through him.
"Maybe we could have lunch together today," he told. "You could starve if I'm not around to buy you another granola bar."
Ellie grinned, giggling softly.
"That would be nice."
She looked up at him with wide, dark eyes, and he felt like the world's biggest asshole.
"Listen, Ellie," he started to say, struggling for words. "I'm really sorry that I haven't been around a lot lately. It's just that –"
Ellie shook her head, holding up a hand to cut him off.
"Forget it, Sean. Really." She ran her hand over his arm, looking anxious all of a sudden, like she didn't want to be having this conversation at all. "I've been all caught up in some Ashley-related drama, so I've been distracted myself. Let's just say we're both forgiven."
She smiled then, though it seemed a little bit forced. Sean nodded, letting out a deep breath. He bent down to kiss her gently, trying to block out the memory of kissing Emma the night before, how she'd dug her nails into his shoulders through his t-shirt and when he'd showered this morning, there had still been faint red marks there in the shape of tiny crescent moons. Ellie tasted minty, like toothpaste or gum. Last night, Emma had tasted of apple juice, sweet and tart all at the same time.
Sean pulled away, feeling kind of sleazy for making comparisons like that. Ellie half-smiled at him, taking his hand.
"Walk me to Physics?" she asked softly.
He nodded, and allowed her to lead him down the hall.
They didn't make it more than four feet when Sean saw something that made him forget entirely about Ellie and whatever guilt he might be feeling.
In the middle of the hallway, right in front of Emma's locker, Craig Manning stood with his arm around Emma, cuddling her. Sean felt his entire body tense, his blood going to full boil.
He didn't tend to keep up with all of the petty gossip that flowed through the halls of Degrassi, but through Ellie, he'd heard enough about Craig's exploits with Manny and Ashley to get the big picture. He'd been friends with Craig once, long ago before Jay and his crew came upon the scene, so he hadn't judged him too harshly about the whole thing. But now, with him pawing Emma, who was too vulnerable to understand that someone like Craig might take advantage of her, in the middle of the hallway, Sean felt nothing but contempt for Craig. He ignored the fact that what Craig had done to Ashley and Manny, he was essentially doing to Ellie and Emma, because, he told himself, there were extenuating circumstances in his case, and tried to decide which of Craig's bones he'd break first.
Sometimes there was nothing like a good hard punch to the gut. That was probably the best place to start.
He glared at Craig, who finally met his stare and had enough of a conscience to look guilty. Before he really send his message to Craig, though, Ellie looked up at him, and noticed that he was distracted. She glanced across the hall toward Emma and Craig, and turned back to him, looking slightly pale.
There was no way she could suspect, he told himself. How could she ever know?
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Fine," he told her firmly.
She seemed to accept that, smiling tightly and squeezing his hand.
As they turned the corner into the other hall, Sean forced himself not to look back. It didn't matter anyway – he could still see the image of Craig holding Emma in his head, like a bad dream that just wouldn't go away.
- x -
