Chapter Seven: Running

It was the next day, and Chrissy was sitting across from her counselor, Wendy, who she had been seeing for over a year now. Wendy was a counselor who worked at the group home Chrissy had first come to, and had been counseling her ever since. She noticed Chrissy seemed different today, and she had already been informed by Sandra, Chrissy's social worker, about her mom fighting for custody, so she had expected Chrissy to be somewhat depressed, but Chrissy was completely evasive today, which was odd for her, who was usually quite chatty during their sessions.

"You're pretty quiet today Chrissy. Is there something you want to talk about?" Wendy asked as she pulled her glasses off for a moment. Chrissy leaned back against the arm chair and sighed.

"No, I don't really feel like talking today." She said quietly, pinching her sleeves tightly over her hands. Wendy noticed immediately, and knew the patterns of a cutter. Constantly looking down, as though making sure scars were well hidden, long baggy sweaters. Wendy had a feeling, but when she asked, Chrissy reacted very defensively.

"It's cool out today. It's like 68 degrees. There's nothing wrong with wearing a sweater when it's cool outside. You're wearing long sleeves." Chrissy pointed out with a bit of anger in her voice. Wendy sighed, and guessed it was pretty obvious that Chrissy didn't want to talk today. She obviously wasn't going to talk about how she was feeling about her mother trying to get custody back, so Wendy decided to cut the hour short.

"I guess I'll see you next week." Wendy said as she stood to open the door for Chrissy. Chrissy walked out without a word and walked right past Michelle, who was sitting down, waiting for her. Chrissy left the building without a word. Michelle sighed and turned to Wendy.

"Just be patient, Ms. Long. She's hurting a lot right now and she's very confused. The best thing you can do for her is to be there for her, but respect that she might need some space." Wendy explained as she smiled sympathetically. Michelle sighed.

"I know." She paused. "How was she today?"

"Well, you know what goes on in there is usually confidential, but I feel I have to tell you that I think she may be cutting herself again." Wendy replied truthfully. Michelle's eyes widened and she turned in the direction where Chrissy just walked out and then back to Wendy.

"What? Are you sure?" Michelle asked, shocked that she hadn't even noticed.

"No, I'm not, but the signs are all there. Long sleeves, pinching the sleeves to make sure they don't roll up. When I asked her about it, she got really defensive, which is a typical reaction for a cutter." Wendy explained. Michelle's mind was racing. Now that she thought about it, Chrissy had been wearing long sleeves for the last couple of days. She had barely noticed though; she had been thinking too much about the hearing. What a horrible mother I am. Michelle thought and just as thought Wendy had read her thoughts, she placed a hand on Michelle's arm.

"You can't blame yourself. This is a tough time for you too. I would try to talk to her about it, but don't push, okay? Chrissy is really unsure of things right now, she just really needs you to keep loving you." Wendy said. Michelle nodded.

"I know, and trust me," She smiled. "I could never stop loving her."


Chrissy stood in front of the car, pacing back and forth anxiously, wanting to get home and go up to her room, where the blade was waiting for her. As she waiting for Michelle impatiently, she was joined by Monica, who had just appeared.

"Hello little one." Monica greeted. Chrissy sighed.

"I know what you're thinking you want to do. Chrissy, you know it won't make you feel better. It will only make things worse." Monica tried to explain. Chrissy looked at her with her deep brown eyes.

"How do you know? Things are already worse. Who cares if I do it or not?" She said with a hint of bitterness.

"I do, and God does too. Michelle cares very much, and you know it." Monica said, and even Chrissy couldn't argue that, but thinking about it made her feel worse.

She grasped her head in her hands and bent down, feeling so angry and so tense that she just wanted to scream. Monica, being the emotional angel that she was, could feel her own tears coming on. She hated seeing the girl who had grown so much in the last year experience a complete relapse. Monica wanted so badly to help her, but every time she had prayed about her, God kept telling her to be patient. The time would come. Monica felt so frightened though. What if Jessica is granted custody? What if she hasn't really changed? Monica couldn't bring herself to think about it, and she knew it was these very thoughts that were affecting Chrissy so greatly.

Monica put her hands on Chrissy's arms, and Chrissy looked up. Her face was so pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was straggly, as though it had not been brushed and as Monica looked at her, she couldn't help but notice that Chrissy looked just as she had when Monica had first met her a year ago.

"God has not forgotten you, little on, and nor have I. You have to be patient and continue to trust. More importantly, you cannot shut people out when you need people to help you." Monica said as Chrissy looked past her and noticed Michelle was coming out of the building. Chrissy sighed, feeling herself growing more tense, and when she looked back to where Monica had been standing, she noticed Monica had already disappeared.

"Ready to go hun?" Michelle asked as she unlocked the doors. Chrissy nodded as she sank into her seat, shutting the door behind her. Michelle sighed, thinking about what Wendy had just told her about the possibility of Chrissy going back to her old ways. Now that Michelle thought about it, Chrissy had been spending an awful lot of time in her bedroom. I should have talked to her about this. I should have known this whole mess might trigger her to want to cut herself again. Michelle lowered herself into the driver's side of the car and paused for a moment to look over at the young girl who stared out the window without a single word.

As Michelle started up the car, she wondered how she would bring up the topic with Chrissy. She knew Chrissy was a little out of sorts right now and didn't think Chrissy would feel like talking about anything, even with Michelle, but Michelle cared too much about the young girl to forget about it.


When Michelle pulled up into their driveway, the two got out of the car, and walked up to the house, as Snuffy barked excitedly from the window. Michelle pulled out her key and unlocked the front door, allowing Chrissy to go in first. Michelle noticed Chrissy went straight to the staircase, ready to go right to her room.

"Chrissy, hold on a minute." Michelle shut the door. "Can you come into the kitchen please? I need to talk to you." Chrissy had never been one to be disobedient, even if she was upset and angry, so Michelle was a little surprised when Chrissy hesitated slightly. Chrissy sighed and finally went into the kitchen, and sat down at the table, as Michelle lowered herself into the chair across from Chrissy. There was a dead silence that echoed against the walls, causing a heightened awkward feeling.

"How did it go with Wendy?" Michelle asked, hoping Chrissy might bring it up on her own, but Chrissy merely shrugged, staring down at her folded hands the whole time. Michelle knew she was beating around the bush, and decided to just come out with it. She had always encouraged complete honesty in the household, but she couldn't help but feel anxious about asking Chrissy about a very sensitive topic, especially at a very sensitive time in both of their lives.

"Listen Chrissy, I was talking to Wendy today. I don't want you to get upset, because Wendy would never break confidentiality unless there was something serious going on, but she believes there is something serious going on. I need you to be honest with me sweetie, no matter how upset or angry you are." Michelle paused, aware her heart was beating faster now. "Are you cutting yourself again?"

She waited. Chrissy made no reaction of any kind. She didn't react defensively, she didn't appear shocked by the accusation, she didn't even look up. Michelle noticed Chrissy appeared somewhat torn about whether or not she should answer. It was that familiar expression Michelle could remember from when Chrissy had first come to live with her and she wasn't sure how to talk about her problems. There was always that sense of unsureness, of whether or not it was safe to express her feelings openly.

Michelle noticed the same ambivalence in Chrissy now.

"I've noticed the long sleeves and I know things are really stressful right now, but I don't want you to cut yourself. I want you to be able to come to me if you feel like you want to cut yourself." Michelle continued but again, all she got in response was silence. She knew Chrissy well enough to know that if she really wasn't cutting herself, she would have spoken up enough to let her know that much was true. Chrissy had been very proud of her accomplishment of making it a year without cutting, and would have been upset at an accusation that wasn't true about something that was so important to her. Michelle could tell, by Chrissy's silence, that she had succumbed to the blade once again.

"Let me see." Michelle said quietly, looking over at Chrissy's covered arms, which rested on the table. Chrissy looked up, shocked.

"What?" Chrissy asked, pulling her arms off the table quickly. Michelle sighed, needing to know how bad it was.

"Your arms. I want to see how bad they are, Chrissy." She said again and was surprised when Chrissy shook her head.

"No." She said simply, and Michelle could see tears brewing in her eyes, as if it hurt her deeply to disobey, but she stood firm. "I'll be in my room." And she left the room slowly, as if waiting for Michelle to call her back, but Michelle didn't.

She let her go.

Unseen by the two girls, Monica and Tess had surveyed the whole situation. Monica wiped a tear away with her sleeve as she watched Chrissy walk out of the kitchen toward the staircase, with Snuffy following close at her heels.

"Oh Tess, Michelle and Chrissy were so close. Why are they so distant, especially now when they need each other the most?" Monica wondered, as she peeked into the kitchen to see Michelle gripping her hair tightly, struggling to keep her tears back.

"Well baby, the custody hearing is in three days and the sooner that approaches, the more anxious and nervous these two humans are going to be. It's very hard for them, you know. Michelle may lose the only child she's ever known, and in a way, Chrissy may lose the only true mother she's ever known." Tess explained, feeling saddened herself. Monica sighed angrily.

"It isn't fair, Tess. Jessica is not a good mother, and Chrissy had to deal with that for the first 14 years of her life, and now that she finally was able to escape that and experience real love, they want to take that away from her." She stated, and Tess sighed.

"Angel baby, we still don't know what's going to happen. Andrew and I working really hard with Jessica to see if maybe she'll realize on her own what would be best for Chrissy, but Jessica is set on the idea that Chrissy is her daughter, and she wants her back. She's very determined, baby, and that worries me." She explained with a sad expression on her face.

"I just don't understand my role in all of this. Chrissy wants answers and she keeps asking me for them. I just wish God would tell me what would happen so I could be at peace." Monica explained and Tess glared at her with raised eyebrows.

"Well how do you think Chrissy feels? If you feel frustrated and anxious, how much more worried do you think she's feeling?" Tess asked. Monica lowered her head.

"I know. I just wish I could help her more." She admitted.

"You are helping her, baby, and God will tell you what you need to know, when you need to know it. I keep on telling you that. You just have to trust me, and you especially need to trust God." Tess replied.

Monica watched as Michelle poured herself a cup of tea. Oh Father, please give Michelle strength to help Chrissy, but also to feel at peace herself. I know You are in control. Please keep these two together.