Chapter Ten: Realization

Chrissy sat on the living room couch, hugging her knees to her chest. Michelle sat next to her, hands folded neatly in her lap as she looked at Chrissy carefully. They had just arrived home from the school and Michelle had been surprised when Chrissy didn't run straight to her room, but instead went into the living room and sat on the couch, and didn't argue when Michelle sat next to her. Michelle felt if there was ever the right time to talk about stuff, it was now.

"Sweetheart, are you sure you're okay?" Michelle asked after a few moments. Chrissy nodded, picking at a thread on the sofa.

"Do you think we need to go to the hospital or anything?" Michelle asked and watched as Chrissy shook her head nervously. Chrissy felt so much like she wanted to cry; she had really scared herself. She never thought she would ever cut herself too deeply, to the point of passing out. It was one of the most frightening experiences she had ever had.

"Chrissy, why won't you talk to me?" Michelle asked, catching Chrissy off guard. She hadn't expected Michelle to ask her that, and she immediately felt ashamed. She stared down at her bandaged wrist and began to cry quietly. She tried to hide it, but Michelle already knew.

"Sweetie, you used to tell me everything, but ever since this whole ordeal with the courts, you have barely spoken to me. I know you must be going through stuff, and I know you started cutting yourself because of it. Don't you remember I told you if you ever felt like you wanted to cut, you could talk to me? I meant it, you know. I want you to know you can come to me about anything." Michelle explained with glazed eyes. She had nothing but a genuine concern and unconditional love for the girl sitting in front of her, and all she wanted to do was help her. She hated seeing her go through so much pain, and it was unbearable for Michelle that Chrissy wouldn't open up to her. She was, however, surprised when Chrissy, after a few moments silence, spoke up.

"I can't." She finally admitted as she brushed a tear away. Michelle puckered her brow.

"You can't? What do you mean?" She asked. Chrissy shook her head.

"I just can't." She repeated. Michelle just stared at her, feeling helpless. She didn't know what else to do. She felt like she was losing the only daughter she'd ever known.

"What have I done Chrissy? Why have you shut me out? Are you angry at me?" Michelle asked as she swallowed back her own tears. Chrissy looked up with wide, hurt eyes as she shook her head quickly.

"No, of course not!" Chrissy said. She had never been angry at Michelle once, and it hurt her to know she had been acting that way.

"I was never mad at you." Chrissy whispered as she buried her face in her hands. Michelle stared at her intensely.

"Then why won't you talk to me?" She asked slowly. Chrissy could not longer contain it. She began to sob uncontrollably into her hands as she let her emotions out for the first time since she had found out about her mother wanting custody.

"I'm afraid, okay? I'm scared to death my mom will get custody and take me away and start beating me up again. I'm scared that I'll never get to see you again, or Brandi, or Snuffy. I'm scared that she'll take me so far away from anybody who knows the truth about her that she'll go back to her old ways. I'm scared to go back to that life. I'm scared, because I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you. I'm scared they'll take me away from you. I had to distance myself from you, I had to! I thought if I did that, it wouldn't hurt as bad if they did take me away. But it's not working! It's not! I love you too much, and I don't want to leave!" Chrissy was practically screaming with pain as the tears poured down her face. Michelle shifted over and took the crying girl into her arms and hugged her tightly.

"Oh sweetheart, I know you're scared. I'm scared too. I don't want to lose you either." She admitted as she stroked Chrissy's brown hair. Chrissy choked on her sobs as she gasped for air.

"I'm so scared of her. I'm so scared of her." She said, over and over again into Michelle's shoulder. Michelle pulled Chrissy out of the embrace and stared at her seriously.

"Then tell the judge that. When you're on that stand tomorrow, you tell them she scares you. You tell them all about what she put you through. Tell them Chrissy. It's very important you tell them." She said, and Chrissy nodded slowly, sniffling quietly. She breathed deeply as she stared into the familiar, caring eyes of the only mother she had ever really known.

"I love you Chrissy. I promise you I will fight my absolute hardest to keep you. I don't care what anybody else says, you're my daughter, and you always will be, no matter what happens tomorrow." Michelle said as she held Chrissy's hands in her own. Chrissy nodded, trusting her fully.

"I love you too." She said quietly. Michelle smiled slightly and then looked down at the gauze bandage around Chrissy's wrist and sighed.

"Do promise me though; you'll come to me if you feel like you want to cut again. I don't want this to happen again, and I want you to trust me." Michelle said. Chrissy swallowed hard and looked at the bandage as well.

"I do trust you. I promise I'll come to you." She thought about how she had fainted, and how scared she had been. "I don't think I'll ever cut myself again."

"I'm glad, but remember, it's a process. But I'm still here for you." Michelle said. Chrissy stared at her, and began to cry again.

"But what if they take me away from you?" She asked. Michelle closed her eyes, not wanting to confront it either, but staring into the young eyes of the girl in front of her, she knew she had to.

"I'll still be here for you. I'm always going to love you sweetie, no matter where you are." Michelle kissed Chrissy on the head. "But I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you stay here with me."

It was 10:00p.m. and Michelle was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea, and doing her daily crossword puzzle. They had finished a late dinner a few hours ago, and Chrissy had gone up to her room to start some of her homework. Michelle hadn't let her go upstairs until Chrissy gave her her word that she would not cut herself. Michelle truly believed Chrissy when she said she wouldn't do it again. She knew Chrissy had really scared herself that day.

Michelle spent a lot of time in prayer, for a miracle. She couldn't bear to face the fact that if Jessica was granted custody, Michelle would have to say goodbye to Chrissy in less than 12 hours.

She placed her mug in the kitchen sink and ran some water in it. She decided she should at least try to get some sleep. Chrissy should get some sleep too. Or at least try. Michelle headed upstairs to say goodnight to Chrissy. She knocked quietly on Chrissy's door and heard no response. She grew slightly suspicious as she tried again, and still got no response.

"Chrissy?" Michelle gently called. No response. Michelle took hold of the doorknob and turned it carefully, entering Chrissy's bedroom.

She had to smile at the sight in front of her. Chrissy was fast asleep with her arm hanging over the side of the bed, with a heavy biology textbook beside her. Michelle tiptoed over to Chrissy's bed, and gently took the book off the bed, placing it quietly on the floor. She took Chrissy's arm carefully and placed it beside her on the bed. Chrissy stirred slightly as Michelle pulled her covers over top of her. Michelle didn't bother waking her up to change into her pyjamas. She figured Chrissy was exhausted, especially after such a frightening day.

Michelle leaned over and kissed her on the head.

"I love you Chrissy." She whispered, as she tiptoed toward the door, stopping to watch her sleep for a moment. As she finally turned off the lights and headed to her room, she was suddenly struck with despair when she realized that tonight could very well be the last night Chrissy spent with Michelle.

That night, Michelle cried herself to sleep.