This is pure parody. Thought I'd make that clear. I don't own anything except for the Superray concept. Also, please, I beg you, this isn't MST. Just another parody.

-The Author


In the year 2003, Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema presented a movie that would change the fate of many who watched it. That movie was The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It covered the betrayal of Gollum, the Battle of Pelennor Fields, the madness of Denethor, and the ultimate destruction of the Ring. Upon viewing the movie, a cry went up among the fans:

E/F shippers: WHERE THE HELL IS EOWYN AND FARAMIR?

The epic romance of Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan, and Faramir, Captain of Gondor, had been reduced to a cheesy smile at the end of the movie!

Aragorn: makes a boring speech about humility and unity

Everyone: applauds

Eowyn and Faramir: smile at each other

That's right! They reduced an entire chapter of the third book to make way for some stupid romance that had only been listed in the appendices!

Aragorn: I love you!

Arwen: You have a great destiny before you!

Aragorn: I love you!

Arwen: I give up my immortality for you!

Aragorn: Is that dress see-through?

The web nation felt the wrath of the E/F shippers. Long blogs were written, condemning Peter Jackson as the lowest scum of the earth. Fan fictions were written to fill in the gaps left by the movie. Fans were overjoyed to hear of the release of the Extended Edition.

E/F shippers: New and Extended Scenes! That must mean more Faramir and Eowyn goodness! I just won't eat for a while!

Armed with unhealthy snack foods and unnaturally thin wallets, E/F shippers sat before their new American altars, surrounded by Surround Sound, and watched with joy. It seemed promising.

E/F shippers: Hey! A scene called Houses of Healing! Another scene: The Captain and the White lady! Sweet!

The Extended edition had only two Faramir/Eowyn scenes, each barely lasting thirty seconds long. The scenes:

Houses of Healing:

Eowyn gets up and walks to the window of the Houses of Healing. She looks out and scans the horizon. She looks to the left of herself – and sees Faramir, Captain of Gondor, his arm in a sling, watching her. He leans against a pole and smiles a little.

The Captain and the White Lady:

Eowyn: OMG, the world is cold and depressing AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Faramir: I disagree.

Eowyn: You're so sweet!

She leans on his shoulder. He smiles a little.

E/F shippers: And…?

Hello? What happened to "they watched the battle with the wind blowing in their faces, mixing their hair together, raven and gold"? What happened to, "he kissed her above the battlements, and cared not who saw"? What happened to, "Will you have people say 'there goes Faramir, Captain of Gondor, who tamed the wild Shieldmaiden of Rohan, was there no woman of his own race to choose from'? And he said, 'I would.'"

Clearly, Peter Jackson messed up. Fortunately, the author of this piece of what is blatantly fan fiction happens to have a superray that can zap cast, crew, and set using models from movies and a pre-written script. And so, without further ado, silverjigsaw presents…

THE STEWARD AND THE WHITE LADY

In association with Peter Jackson and New Line Cinemas

Produced by & Directed by silverjigsaw

Starring David Wenham, Miranda Otto, Viggo Mortensen, Brad Dorif, Karl Urban,

Bernard Hill, Orlando Bloom, John Rhys-Davies, Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, John Nogle, and Sean Bean

Based upon the books by J.R.R. Tolkien


Golden Hall of Edoras

Eowyn: Your son is badly wounded, my Lord.

Theoden: wheezes

Eomer: Some of Saruman's orcs got him.

Grima: Lies! Filthy lies! Something must be done about you.

Thunder: and lightning


Some Random Shadowy Multi-Pillared Hall of Edoras

Eomer: Saruman bought you, didn't he?

Grima: Uh…what? Your sister's walking by and she has a nice can.

Eomer: Now I kill you!

Grima: Er…sorry…by order of the King Theoden you've been banished from the Kingdom. You are the weakest link, g'bye.


Theodred's Furry Bedroom of Edoras

Eowyn: cries over her dead cousin

Grima: Oh, he's dead. What a tragedy for you.

Eowyn: I am crying, aren't I?

Grima: Listen, babe, I get you. You're hot. I mean, you're cold. Cool. Fair. Really swell, you know? And I can fix that whole loneliness thing. Theme. Thing.

Eowyn: Wow, you have no eyebrows.


The Golden Hall of Edoras

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli: enter swarm converge punch kick maim head-butt

Grima: wets pants

Gandalf: The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Theoden King.

Grima: Go away! You're not wanted!

Gandalf: Hold your forked tongue! I have not battled fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm!

Grima: Wow, that was a totally awesome line.

Gandalf: I release you from your curse, Theoden!

Theoden: laughs

Gandalf: Er…well…that wasn't supposed to happen.

Theoden: I'm really Saruman!

Legolas: Like my spider senses didn't tell me that already.

Gandalf: glows white

Theoden and Grima: wet pants

Eowyn: enters

Aragorn: grabs her

Eowyn: falls in love

Gandalf: jerks his staff

Gimli: That doesn't sound dirty at all.

Theoden: growls

Gandalf: jerks his staff

Gimli: Not at ALL.

Theoden: falls back

Eowyn: runs to him

Theoden: I know your face! You're…um…don't tell me…er…hold on, I'll get it…Eowyn, right?

Eowyn: cries


Golden Hall, later.

Theoden: We're under attack! Let's all slowly travel to Helm's Deep down an extremely vulnerable path where we can be easily ambushed!

Gandalf: I don't like it.

Aragorn: looks angsty


The Stables of Edoras

Servant: Crazy horse! Let's shoot it!

Aragorn: No, let me! Shush, horse.

Horse: falls in love

Eowyn: His name is Brego.

Aragorn: Hello, Brego.

Horse: nibbles on his ear

Aragorn: talks in Elvish

Eowyn: Wow, he can tame a horse, but can he tame ME?

Aragorn: Turn this poor guy free.

Horse: Nooooooo! Take me with you and your quiet handsomeness, Viggo!

Eowyn: No, take me!

Aragorn: looks angsty


Golden Hall

Eowyn: fake sword-fights

Aragorn: joins her

Aragorn: Wow, you can totally hold a sword up without falling over.

Eowyn: Yeah, you're pretty hot. I mean, I'm pretty good.

Aragorn: You scared of something, Princess?

Eowyn: Yeah…a cage. Except an entirely metaphorical cage, you understand.

Aragorn: Of course. Don't you worry your pretty head about it. I doubt that'll happen to you.

Eowyn: falls in love


Forests of Not Edoras

Sam: What we need's a few taters.

Smeagol: What's taters, precious?

Sam: Po-Tay-Toes! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick em in a stew!

Frodo: is gone

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Man, and the only who's not supposed to wander off by himself. I'm a really bad bodyguard.

Frodo: is watching mercenaries travel to Mordor

Sam: What is that, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Mercenaries traveling to Mordor, Sam.

Sam: Well, speaking of Mordor, let's go there.

Frodo: Nah, let's watch the mercenaries travel for an excruciatingly long time.

Sam: I'd really feel better if we were off to Mordor.

Frodo: Really, I'd rather watch these guys walk by.

Sam: We really should get moving and leave the rabbit stew behind.

Frodo: I'm good.

Sam: They could see us.

Frodo: I'll slip on the magic ring so that no one can see me except the Enemy.

Sam: I give up.

Frodo: Okay, let's go.

Sam: No, wait, look, Mr. Frodo! Oliphaunts!

Mercenary: I keel you!

Hobbits: wet pants

Faramir: kills mercenary

Frodo: Wow, thanks, handsome stranger!

Faramir: gives a monologue about how the mercenary wasn't evil, making sure we know he's a good guy

Frodo: falls in love

Faramir: Well, blindfold these two innocent-looking dudes and take 'em to our headquarters!


On the Road to Helm's Deep

Eowyn: Here, have some stew.

Aragorn: looks angsty

Eowyn: My Uncle told me you're really old.

Aragorn: It's true. I'm 87.

Eowyn: Wow, you're old.

Aragorn: looks angsty


Later, On the Road to Helm's Deep

Eowyn: So, where'd you get the jewel?

Aragorn: Huh?

Eowyn: The jewel. On your neck? The only thing on your body that isn't sweaty, dirty, dingy, dark, or disgusting?

Aragorn: looks angsty

Eowyn: Crap.


Flashback

Arwen: In case you forgot, we're deeply in love.

Aragorn: I dream about you nightly.

Arwen: Even though we're not in the book.

Aragorn: Well, we get mentioned.

Arwen: Love you, doll.


Back to the Present

Aragorn: I got it from this hot elf chick.

Eowyn: Crap.

Legolas: My spider senses are tingling.

Theoden: We're under attack! Women and children, run for your lives!

Eowyn: Except me, right? You'll let me fight, right?

Theoden: Hell, no. You stay with the women.

Eowyn: looks angsty

Aragorn: Don't do that, dollface. Makes you look ugly.

Eowyn: Crap.


Attack of the Wolves of Isengard

Gimli: I can't ride a horse!

Warg: Grr!

Gimli: I keel you!

Legolas: kills warg

Gimli: is stuck under the warg

Goblin: Grr!

Gimli: headtwist!

Goblin: dead!

New Warg: Grr!

Aragorn: behead!

Gimli: Whew!

Aragorn: falls off cliff

Audience: Hah! Take that!


Cave in the Forests of Ithilien

Frodo and Sam: unblindfolded

Faramir: So, chaps, whatcha doing out here in the Forests of Ithilien?

Frodo: Uh…we're on vacation.

Sam: Mmhmm. That's right. Vacation.

Faramir: What are you, his bodyguard?

Sam: No, his gardener.

Faramir: Rrrriiight. And the third member of your party? Who is that? Your love child?

Frodo: Psh. I wish. I mean, there was no other.

Faramir: Look, just tell me the truth.

Frodo: We came from Rivendell on a special quest that we can't tell you any more about.

Faramir: Hey, my brother left from Rivendell on a special quest that he couldn't tell us any more about.

Sam: Oh, you're Boromir's brother.

Faramir: looks angsty

Frodo: falls in love


Flashback

Boromir: swings dangerously from a flagpole seven stories high

Faramir: The men love you!

Boromir: BEER!

Denethor: I have this special mission that requires an extraordinary amount of tact, subtlety, and intelligence, so I'm going to send my big muscular brute of a son instead of the intelligent one that desperately seeks my approval.

Boromir: How does that work?

Faramir: Jackass.


The Forbidden Pool

Faramir: Here's the deal, Frodo. Either you get this gray dude to leave the pool, or I shoot.

Frodo: Er…he's my guide.

Faramir: Hah! And you told me there's only two of you in your group.

Frodo: lures Smeagol out of the pool

Rangers: grab beat punch kick throw on the ground

Smeagol: becomes schizophrenic again


Helm's Deep

Aragorn: I'm not dead!

Horse: kisses Aragorn

Aragorn: Ooohh…Arwen…

Horse: Sure, that's my name. Arwen.

Aragorn: rides horse to Helm's Deep

Aragorn: Wow, you're a really smart horse.

Gimli: Yay! Aragorn! You're not dead!

Aragorn: Yeah, sure whatever. Hey, Legolas!

Gimli: Bitch.

Legolas: My spider senses tell me you're late.

Aragorn: Very good.

Legolas: Here's your jewel back.

Gimli: That's not dirty at ALL.

Eowyn: falls in love


Random Hall in Helm's Deep

Theoden: gives an inspiring speech

Gimli: blows big, huge horn

Gimli: Not dirty at ALL.


Caves of Ithilien

Faramir: You have the One Ring To Rule Them All.

Frodo: How'd you guess?

Faramir: My father would hold me above all men if I gave him this Ring.

Frodo: He has father issues, too!

Faramir: In fact…I think I will bring you back to Gondor with me.

Frodo: falls in love

Sam: Mr. Frodo? That's a bad thing?


Somewhere In Helm's Deep

Legolas: My spider senses tell me that we should fortify that wall there.

Aragorn: Done and done.

Eowyn: Aragorn! I'm supposed to go hide in the caves with the women!

Aragorn: Well, you are a woman, unless there's something you're not telling me.

Eowyn: But I want to fight!

Aragorn: Tough noogies.

Eowyn: I LOVE YOU.

Aragorn: looks angsty

Eowyn: Crap.


Osgiliath

Faramir: Send these Hobbits to my Father. Tell him Faramir sends a great gift.

Nazgul: attack

Goblins: invade

Gondorians: defend

Frodo: stands on top of the wall and holds up the Ring

Faramir: I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust him!

Sam: jumps on Frodo

Frodo: Oh, Sam!

Faramir: Hmm…clearly this conflict of interest means that they're both entirely trustworthy people that I can totally send into Mordor to destroy the Weapon of the Enemy!

Gollum: And then I kill them! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Faramir: throws him against the wall


The Battle of Helm's Deep

Elves: show up

Rohirrim: Yay!

Gimli: I'm short!

Orcs: attack

Rohirrim: defend

Elves: shoot arrows

Orcs: die

Theoden: We might just win!

Orcs: blow up wall

Theoden: Crap.

Rohirrim: die

Aragorn: Gimli! Let's hold off the invading troops by going a secret way around and attacking from the side!

Gimli: I'm short!

Aragorn: What?

Gimli: Toss me!

Aragorn: What?

Gimli: Toss me! I'm too short! I won't be able to make the jump! Just don't tell the elf.

Legolas: My spider senses tell me the Dwarf is degrading himself.

Aragorn: tosses Gimli

Gimli: behead stab slice cut maim

Aragorn: jumps

They: kill a thousand Orcs Between Them Via Movie Magic

Orcs: die

Rohirrim: die

One Elf: dies

Aragorn: looks angsty

Theoden: We won't make it until morning!

Morning: comes

Gandalf: comes

Eomer: comes

Eorlingas: attack

Orcs: die

Fangorn Forest: appears

Orcs: retreat

Fangorn Forest: kill slice maim rip tear bash punch kick whip murder

Everyone: cheers


The Golden Hall of Edoras

Theoden: Hail the victorious dead!

Rohirrim: Hail!

All: drink

Aragorn: looks angsty

Gimli: LET'S DRINK!

Eowyn: Here, Aragorn, drink from my cup.

Aragorn: drinks

Eowyn: falls in love

Aragorn: walks away

Theoden: I'm happy for you, Eowyn. He's a great guy.

Eowyn: Gee, thanks, Uncle.

Audience: Aw they love each other!

Gimli: falls down drunk


The Golden Hall of Edoras At Night

Eowyn: is sleeping in the Hall instead of her chambers for some reason

Aragorn: walks into the Hall for some weird reason

Eowyn: grabs his hand

Aragorn: wtf?

Eowyn: I dreamed I saw a great wave, climbing over the lands and above hills. I stood upon the brink. It was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet. There was a light shining behind me, but I could not turn, only stand and wait.

Aragorn: Yeah, that's deep, sweetheart.

Aragorn: puts her hand under the blanket

Eowyn: OMG he touched my chest!


The Great Hall of the Kings in Minas Tirith

Gandalf: Now, listen carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's death would be most unwise. And do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it's better if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took.

Pippin: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…

Gandalf: Greetings, Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor.

Denethor: I know about Boromir. I know about Frodo. I know about the Ring. I know about Aragorn. And now, you, random hobbit, you talk.

Pippin: Uh…

Denethor: Hm. Interesting. I like your style. Ever met my son Boromir?

Pippin: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry he died defending me and my kinsmen WHO IS NOT MY GAY LOVER I'll do anything to make you feel better!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took!

Gandalf and Pippin: exit

Denethor: Okay.

Gandalf: Wait, I was supposed to tell him to light the beacons to call for aid in the battle against Mordor that's about to happen!


Random Road in Minas Tirith

Gandalf: Here's the deal. Pippin, you're going to climb up an extremely tall stone wall and light a very, very big pile of wood without the King's permission and without anyone noticing and without you dying. You can do it. You're a hobbit.

Pippin: Great.

Gandalf: tries to look innocent

Pippin: climbs up the huge cliff thing

Tower Guards: drink ale

Pippin: knocks over lighter fluid

Tower Guards: drink ale

Pippin: lights the beacon

Tower Guards: What are we drinking?

Pippin: scales down the wall

Legolas: I couldn't have done better myself.


Golden Hall of Edoras

Aragorn: The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

Theoden: And we will answer!

Rohirrim: Woohoo!

Eowyn: Say, I think I'll ride along and die in battle!


Osgiliath

Gondorian: is shot

Faramir: Quick! Everyone run in the direction the arrow came from!

Orcs: invade

Gondorians: defend

Orcs: kill maim spew blood look ugly

Gondorians: defend stab shove look shiny

Faramir: runs for next kill

Arrows: shoot

Faramir: dodges

Random Gondorian: We can't win!

Faramir: Retreat!


Hall of Kings in Minas Tirith:

Denethor: The fall of Osgiliath is all your fault, Faramir! Now make it up to me by taking it back! Shoo!

Faramir: You wish I'd gone on the quest and died instead, don't you?

Denethor: Yeah, duh.

Faramir: cries

Denethor: Now go away and die!

Faramir: exits

Denethor: eats red food

Pippin: sings

It's All: symbolic

Faramir: gets shot down by arrows


Dunharrow

Aragorn: So, Eowyn, what's with the sword?

Eowyn: Nnnnnothing. So, Aragorn, you're an honorable man who I would – I mean the men would die for.

Aragorn: I can't give you what you seek. You love but a shadow and a whisper.

Eowyn: Crap.

Audience: You can't? Then who the hell can?

Theoden: We only have six thousand spears. The enemy has like a hundred times that many. We are so dead.

Elrond: Here, Mr. Anderson, I mean, Aragorn, take this kick-ass sword and get some ghost soldiers in the creepy part of the mountains where men do not dare to tread.

Aragorn: Yeah, okay.

Legolas: My spider senses tell me you're going into danger.

Gimli: We'll come with you.

Rohirrim: Great. Now they've abandoned us.


Sunrise

Theoden: Eowyn, I need you to go back home and lead our people in my stead.

Eowyn: Psh. What else is new?

Theoden: I also need you to start smiling again. Like you used to. That would make me truly happy.

Audience: sniffs


Leaving Dunharrow

Theoden: Sorry, random Hobbit number four, you can't ride into battle with us.

Merry: But I want to fight!

Theoden: Thems the breaks.

Merry: Crap!

Random Soldier: grabs him and lets him ride in horseback

Merry: Huh?

Random Soldier: Don't steal my word!

Merry: Wait – Eowyn? Is that you?

Eowyn: Duh. Ride with me.


Gates of Gondor

Faramir: is dragged in by his horse

Denethor: OMFG! Faramir! He's dead!

Pippin: Wait! He's still alive!

Denethor: I'm the last of my line! My sons are dead! My line has failed! Rohan has deserted us! Theoden's betrayed me. Run away! Run away!

Gondorians: Run away! Run away!

Gandalf: smacks Denethor with his staff

Audience: cheers

Gandalf: Prepare for battle!

Gondorians: listens to him

Orcs: die

Baby: cries

Nazgul: attacks

Gondorians: die

Goblins: invade

Gondorians: shoot them

Gandalf: Pippin! Go back to the Citadel!

Pippin: But I want to fight!

Goblins: kill maim wound

Gandalf: smack smack stab swish

Pippin: wets pants

Goblins: stab slash bang

Gandalf: block defend kill smack

Goblin: sneaks up behind him

Pippin: stabbity

Gandalf: Well…um…back up the Citadel, anyway.


Random Field In Between Rohan and Gondor

Merry: Look, my Lady, I know I'm a simple Hobbit and all that, but you're this gorgeous Rohirrim lady and you've got a lot to live for. Alls I want to do is live up to my friends.

Eowyn: I want to DIE.

Merry: Well, um.


Minas Tirith

Denethor: leads a funeral procession

Pippin: follows

Denethor: There is no more hope for Gondor.

A Flower: blossoms on the White Tree

Denethor: No tomb for Denethor and Faramir. Time to die like the heathen kings of old. Bring wood and oil.

The Gate: is destroyed

Orcs: invade

Denethor: Faramir is burning. Already burning.

Pippin: HE'S NOT DEAD, YOU IDIOT.

Denethor: I release you from your service. Go now and die in what way seems best to you. POUR OIL ON THE WOOD!

Pippin: searches for Gandalf

Gondorians: retreat

Women: scream

Orcs: kill maim pillage destroy

Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor has lost his mind! He's gonna burn Faramir alive!

Gandalf: rides with Pippin to help

Witch King: I keel you and your staff!

Gandalf: Dammit!

Witch King: No man can kill me!

Gandalf: Great.


Pelennor Fields

Rohirrim: arrive

Witch King: flies away

Eowyn: is scared

Orcs: wait for Theoden to give an inspiring speech

Theoden: gives an inspiring speech

Rohirrim: Death!

Eowyn: has really small teeth

Merry: Death!

Eowyn: Death!

Rohirrim: attack

Orcs: fire at will

Will: dies

Rohirrim: run over the Orcs

Orcs: Run away! Run away!


Funeral Room

Denethor: covers himself and Faramir in oil

Faramir: flinches

Denethor: Set a fire in our flesh.

Four Gondorians: approach the wood

Gandalf: arrives

Denethor: glowers

Gandalf: Stay this madness!

Denethor: lights fire

Faramir: breathes

Gandalf: knocks Denethor over again

Pippin: jumps off horse and pushes Faramir through the flames onto the floor

Denethor: attacks Pippin

Pippin: wets pants

Gandalf: knocks Denethor into the flames

Faramir: wakes up

Denethor: Faramir!

Denethor: goes up in smoke

Gandalf: So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion.


Pelennor Fields

Eomer: kill slash wound kill

Theoden: kill slash wound kill

Eowyn: kill slash wound kill

Merry: stabbity

Theoden: Make safe the city!

Audience: Like Yoda you speak!

Mercenaries: attack

Rohirrim: charge

Eomer: brings down two elephants with a single spear thrust

Eowyn: takes down another elephant

Another elephant: is killed

Eowyn and Merry: are separated

Eowyn: defends Theoden

Theoden: is impressed

Merry: kicks ass at killing

Witch King: attacks Theoden

Theoden: wets pants

Witch King: Feast on his flesh.

Eowyn: I will kill you if you touch him.

Witch King: Do not come between the Nazgul and his prey.

Eowyn: beheads Nazgul

Witch King: Fine, come between the Nazgul and his prey. Clearly, we need a new approach. So. Here's my super-cool mace.

Eowyn: Crap.

Witch King: swings

Eowyn: jumps away

Witch King: swings

Eowyn: ducks

Witch King: swings

Eowyn's Shield: is destroyed

Eowyn: falls back, hurt

Witch King: chokes Eowyn

Merry: stabbity

Witch King: drops Eowyn

Merry: Ow my stabbing arm owowow!

Witch King: Still. No man can kill me.

Eowyn: takes off helmet, revealing gorgeous long blonde locks that I envy

Eowyn: I am no man.

Witch King: Crap.

Eowyn: stabbity

Witch King: shrivels up and dies.

Eowyn: Owie my arm!

Orc: attacks Eowyn

Aragorn: kill slash maim destroy

Legolas: My spider senses helped me kill that elephant!

The Day: is saved

Aragorn: looks angsty

Eowyn: finds Theoden

Theoden: I know your face. Eowyn, right? I'm dying.

Eowyn: No. No. I'm going to save you.

Theoden: You already did.

All Eyes: are wet

Theoden: dies

Eowyn: is speechless


The Houses of Healing

Eowyn: is healing

Faramir: is healing

Eowyn: is depressed

Faramir: is in the Garden

Eowyn: is brought before Faramir

Faramir: falls in love

Eowyn: I want to go join the battle at the Black Gate of Mordor so I can die next to my Lord Aragorn.

Faramir: is in love

Eowyn: So can I go?

Faramir: NO! Because…um…that's not in my power to grant.

Eowyn: Well…my window looks west instead of East, and I want to watch the battle progress.

Faramir: I can totally give you that.

Eowyn: Thanks!

Faramir: is in love

Eowyn: So…can I go now?

Faramir: No! Because…in return, you have to walk and talk with me in the garden every day.

Eowyn: Why?

Faramir: Because you're hot.

Eowyn: Crap.

Faramir: is in love


The Gardens

Faramir: Here's this gorgeous shiny blue mantle with silvery stars on it.

Eowyn: Thanks!

Faramir: It was my mother's.

Eowyn: Crap.

Faramir: is in love

They: watch the battle progress while the wind weaves their hair together, raven and gold


Otherwhere

The Ring: is destroyed

The Day: is saved

The People: are happy

Gollum: is dead

Eomer: is leaving

Eowyn: doesn't go with him


The Gardens

Faramir: has left the Houses of Healing

Eowyn: is alone

Faramir: What's up with that?

Eowyn: Uh…nuthin'.

Faramir: Look, there's one of two reasons you're not leaving with your brother to go home. One is that you're in love with Aragorn. The other is that you're in love with me. Which is it?

Eowyn: is silent

Faramir: is in love

Eowyn: I do not desire to be queen any longer.

Faramir: Well, good thing, because I'm not gonna be King.

Eowyn: is in love

Faramir: kisses her on top of the wall where everyone can see

The Gondorians: are happy

Eowyn and Faramir: are in love

E/F shippers: kill Eowyn and steal David Wenham for themselves

The Author: apologizes and removes that last sentence


The Huge Stone Courtyard

Gandalf: crowns Aragorn

Aragorn: gives a boring speech about humility and unity

Everyone: applauds

Eowyn and Faramir: smile at each other

Aragorn: tongues Arwen

Sam: marries Rosie

Frodo: is jealous

Everyone: lives happily ever after