AN: Well, I've been going through pure chaos, but I never abandon a tale. So, we jump back in, flashing this time to the Red Dwarf crew. I still don't hold any rights to Harry Potter or Red Dwarf. Sigh. Maybe by the next chapter.

"Earth?" Rimmer repeated, clearly dumbfounded. Then, "Well done, Holly. I never doubted you, not for a moment. I thought this time the plan was sound."

"Well, don't get all excited yet," Lister said, checking something. "It seems a little off. Holly, can you establish-"

"Yes, can you establish communications?" Rimmer interupted.

"No, I can't," said Holly simply.

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "And why is that, Holly?"

"It seems this is not the Earth of our time. It's late 20th century Earth."

"What?" Rimmer sputtered.

"Well," Holly explained, "We did hop through space. But, we also hipped. Through time."

"Well, that's just wonderful," Rimmer snapped. "Can we go back?"

"No," said Holly. "It's broken."

Lister sighed, and sat down heavily. "What else is new?" He chewed on a fingernail. "Hang on, now. Perhaps we don't need to go back just yet. Maybe we can enjoy a little time here. Home."

Cat stepped forward. "I have only one question. Is there fish here?"

"Yes, you imbecile, there's fish," Rimmer snapped.

"I have only two questions. Is there women?"

"Of course there's women," Lister told him.

"Then I vote, we stay!" yelled Cat excitedly.

"We weren't taking a vote," said Rimmer in an aggrieved tone.

Lister shrugged. "Well, we can't go back right now, can we?" He looked around expectantly. "But I don't see how we can get down there, without being noticed."

"We can't stay here without being noticed either," Holly pointed out, his computerized head tilting to one side. "We've got to do something, and I suggest we do it quickly. The technoglogical state of Earth in this time means it won't be long before we're discovered. Most likely by some unpleasant and uptight army with too much money on its hands."

Just then, they heard a clattering thump from one of the cabinets. It swung open and a gray and flowy ball rolled out. It straightened itself into a tall, gangly man with graying chestnut hair and thick spectacles. "My, then the Floo network couldn't quite be adapted to get here," he said in a thick Scottish accent. He dusted off the gray and flowy things, which looked like robes, and stared around at all of them. They all stared back, in turn.

"Who the smeg are you?" demanded Rimmer in that arrogant and pompous manner of his.

The man looked thoughtfully at Cat. "I'm sorry-it's been awhile since I've taken any courses in magical species. What exactly are you?"

Cat straightened and looked back at him. "What I am, is hungry!"

"He's a cat," Lister said, "and for once I'm thinkin' like Bonehead over here. Who are you?"

The man gave Cat one more bewildered glance, one that said he'd get back to him, and looked to Lister. "I'm sorry, mate. My name is Antonus MacLaghlan, and I'm here representing the ministry. Now, we admit that someone, or, rather, several someones, of your apparent talents must be capable of quite a bit, but to get this thing out here, in space-functioning and safe-well, it's just far too dangerous. This is exactly the sort of thing the Muggles notice. I'm afraid you'll have to give it up. There may even be fines involved. Now, I remember my astronomy classes. Those days were more than enough to tempt me into this sort of enterprise. But, if you must see space from somewhere other than through a telescope on top of a tower-well, it can be a bit costly, but you just have to go through the proper channels. We can't just have every wizard or witch popping off into the upper atmosphere whenever they feel like it!" He laughed nervously. "So, you understand, we don't really have a choice. Now, your names . . ." Antonus pulled a parchment out of his robes. "David Lister, and Arnold Rimmer. Oh-it says here-you're deceased, Mr. Rimmer? You know, I don't recall . . . are you registered with any of the ghost organizations?"

Rimmer stared openmouthed at the man, who was fumbling with several other parchments. "What ghost organization?"

"Oh, any of them," he mumbled, frowning at what was apparently a particularly vexing parchment. "I'm not showing you here either, Mr. Lister. Just give me a moment, and I'll get it sorted . . ."

"Hang on a moment," Rimmer interupted. "Do you see an 'H' on my forehead? I was dead, but I'm not anymore."

The strange man's head shot up, and he peered closely at Rimmer. He dropped several of his papers in bewilderment. "Not dead anymore? You don't say . . . Why, so you aren't dead! My, my! I'd heard about this sort of work going on, but I really didn't think they'd made that many advancements. Who was it, anyway? Dr. Tiberius? I'd heard such a thing, yet his last paper wasn't in the least bit suggestive of a cure for death in the near future! You must tell me everything! Oh, later, though," he added, bending over to gather his parchments. "For now, I've got to find out where your registrations are. Did you both attend Hogwarts? Shouldn't be that difficult if you did."

"What? What's a bloody Hogwarts? Oh, you mean that little goblin from the old movie? No, his name was Hoggle. Though the David Bowie character called him Hogwart once. And what does that have to do with anything?" Lister lit a cigarette.

The man looked at Lister, the source of the comment. "You didn't go to school at Hogwarts? Where'd you go to school, then?"

"Nowhere, really," Lister admitted.

"Didn't go to wizarding school? You're untrained wizards?" He stared back and forth between them in shock.

"What are you talking about? Is this some sort of cult? I attended a very fine series of academies throughout my childhood. My parents didn't go for any of that new-age sort of nonsense. A real education, that's what I received. Not dancing naked around a Beltane fire, waving large sticks of wood and chanting at passers-by." Rimmer straightened himself proudly and gave Antonus a defiant stare.

The man threw up his hands in frustration, splattering the ceiling with an overdipped quill. "This is a disaster! Powerful and untrained wizards!"

Holly cut in, "Dave, I think there's a few things in my memory banks relevant to your situation. I'm still checking on Rimmer."

Antonus nodded to Holly. "So, we have," he began, scribbling on yet another scrap of parchment, "Two untrained wizards, one possibly involved in black-market body trading, one talking photograph, normal by all appearances, one unidentified magical creature, and a fourth being who may be a strange magical species, or a failed and unregistered Animagus. Metal craft still visible to Muggles. Request immediate assistance." He waved a wand at the parchment, which immediately disappered.

"We're not wizards at all," objected Lister. "We're not magical. Hol, I didn't think 20th century Earth was so primitive."

"Dave, that's what I need to talk to you about. They aren't primitive. Your-"

But at this moment, he was cut off by the arrival of four more figures. Two women and two men appeared in puffs of smoke. They were extremely well-kempt, and dressed in severe black robes with blue trim. Without any further warning, they raised their wand in unison, each pointing of one of the Red Dwarf crew members, who all found themselves unable to move.

"Don't worry too much," called Antonus just before they found themselves wrenched through nothingness, "it's only likely a slight questioning!"