The thunder moves closer, and I trying to arrange myself into a semi-comfortable position, lacking the benefit of a blanket or a pillow to try and cushion those vicious springs. Finally I get up instead, flicking on the kitchen light and rubbing my eyes. I was just...sleepless tonight, restless too, and no matter how many times I opened the refrigerator door, there wasn't anything that interested me in the least. No comfort food, not even beer or the half empty bottle of gin from the last time the High and Mighty Lord Sanzo came to visit with his attendant Chimp of Greatest Stupidity.

It's like an itch I can't scratch, the feeling that I should go and do something but just don't want to. Not indecision, but a kind of lack of energy and focus, the kind that makes kids whine that they're bored, but are stubborn in staying bored. I sigh. Dammit.

And so I walk down the hall, the bottle of gin dangling limply from my hand. It's strange, but I just feel like someone's watching me. Someone...The door is not quite shut and the lights are off. I contemplate going in, reach for the doorknob and turn away instead. I walk back down the hall and open the door, shutting it carefully so that Hakkai doesn't wake up. I uncap the gin, take a swig and feel my head pound and then numb. The wind whips at my hair, and I tuck on side behind my ear so it doesn't get all over my face.

The night is cloudy, dark ominous grays and purples forecasting rain. I take another mouthful of gin, the dry, bitter taste lingering in my mouth like guilt. But for now, I plan to get good and drunk, just forget what happened. No one would suspect me, anyway. It was late, no witnesses, and the best they'd come up with would be that the old man killed his son and the wife died of shock. Easy, off-my-conscience sort of stuff. But it was still there with me.

The rain starts falling, tiny little drops at first and finally huge ones with hail stones mixed in. But by then I'm drunk. I tip the bottle upward and poke my tongue out, trying to get that last drop when I start feeling dizzy. I drop it and curl up to go to sleep, to lose consciousness, to lose myself. I wriggle lazily so that my legs are away from the smothering rain, uncaring that my bed is a sheet of concrete and my blanket the sullen fog. Darkness.

"Gojyo! Gojyo!"
"LemmegoIdunwanna..."

My head pounds every time he shakes my shoulders. The concrete is warm and wet underneath my butt, so I guess Hakkai pulled me into a sitting position. My left shoulder and hip are stiff, my eyes scratchy. I push him away weakly and tuck my head down, going back into sleep.

And finally I wake up on my own. It's dark now, and I feel okay, just a little hungover. I stumble, catching myself on the low coffee table. Apparently Hakkai got me back in here, and for the first time in a long time, I realize I was trying to die.

Maybe he was just repaying me for helping him so many years ago, or perhaps our bond is stronger than I usually think. But I know I won't leave him, that I can't leave him, but I'm denying this. One day, maybe, I think, I'll leave again. Not like anyone needs me. But I know better, and so tonight I walk down the hallway. And now it's a throat, white and cracked, and I'm willingly going down. I turn and this time I open the door and sit on the edge in the dark. The slight stirring of Hakkai scooting to give me room, even in his sleep, is all I can hear, and for once, the silence is good.