a/n I hope this chapter is longer and better

Author: Queen of Weird

Disclaimer: If only I did...

Summary: What if Rory hadn't let Jess just walk away in 4th season's episode: 'Nag Himmandi is Where They Found the Gnastic Gospel'? This is my version of what would happen

Chapter Two

When I woke up my face was wet, as was my pillow. I groaned, wiping my face on my sleeve. My clothes were now wrinkly. I sighed, annoyed with myself for getting so worked up.

I didn't bother to change my skirt, only my shirt. I walked into the Living Room, and grabbed my purse. Upstairs, I heard Mom clashing around, tripping over all the junk laying around on the floor.

"I'm going to Luke's!" I called upstairs, and grabbed for the door. But quickly, I turned on my heels, and walked over to the couch, falling down onto it. I couldn't go to Luke's! What if I saw him?

"Wait! Wait I wanna come to!" Mom ran down the stairs, slowing down when she saw me. An appreciative smile crawled onto her face. "You waited for me. How sweet!"

"No..." I sighed

"Oh! I'm hurt!" Mom clutched at her heart. She stared at me, her joking smile slipping off her face. "What's wrong, hun?"

"It's just...I ran into Jess yesterday," I said cautiously. I avoided her gazer, not really wanting to speak, but not finding a way out of it.

"You ran into him a lot yesterday, hun..."

"I know. But last night...it's just...he said...something happened...I'm just so confused and upset. I don't know what to do..." I bit my lower lip hard. My teeth broke through the dry skin, causingme to bleed.

"What did he say," Mom asked curiously, giving me a look that told me to release my lip from my teeth's grasp. I listend to her stare, and put my fingers to my mouth, pressing hard against the cracked skin.

"He um...he said he loved me?" I said it as more of a question then a statement. I was paying more attention to my blood-covered fingers than to my mother.

"Oh baby," Mom said sympethetically, pulling my close to her, leaning me against her chest.

"That isn't all..." I said quietly, biting my lips once more. I could taste the bitter taste of blood. I hated it. "I...I ummm...I told him not to Leave Stars Hollow..."

"You what!" She was surprised. She was shocked. She was confused. I could understand that, but did she really need to make it so clear? I knew she didn't like Jess, and that she never would...in this world anyway. "Honey, darling, sweetie! Why would you DO that! He hurt you, remember?"

Mom was genuinley concerned for me, but I had no use for her concern. "I know Mom. It's just that...I can't hate him. Now go to Luke's and get me a coffee and a donut!" I smiled a bright smile.

"I'll get right on it, Kid," she said, and sighed. Grabbing her hand bag, she walked out of the house and down to Luke's.

I turned the TV on, but didn't watch it. My fingers pressed hard against my lip, trying to stop the bleeding. But al it did was bring more pain. A minute passed. I turned off the Tv and walked absent-mindedly into the kitchen.

My mind was spinning from last night. I had a headache. Boredome now washing over me, I opened the hall closet. In it, I found boxes. My Dean box...my Jess box. I pulled them both out. The only two boyfriends I had ever had, and the only two I ever wanted.

You see, I am still in love with Jess Mariano, and I always will be. But he didn't know that, Mom didn't know that, no one knew but me.

I opened my Dean box. In it was the box of starch I had stolen back in my sophmore year of highschool, when Dean and I had shared our first kiss. And then there was the dress. The beautiful, blue dress Mom had made for my very first dance. The bracelet he made me, and many more things.

The Jess box. Books, CDs, you name it. I blew the dust off of some of the books that were piled so neatly. I had missed them, but I had been too afraid to look in the box to get them. A twang of pain in my heart. My bridesmaid dress from Sookie's wedding to Jackson, which I had been wearing when Jess and I had shared our first kiss.

The front door opened. My heart skipped a beat, and I looked over at the door. "I got coffee and donuts!" Mom said happily, skipping over to the couch

"Did you see him?" I asked before she reached the couch.

"Umm...actually, no," Mom said, giving a fiant giggle. The very giggle she gave whenever she was lying. "It's okay. You can tell me when you see him..." I said. Now in my hands was the dress I wore to the Dance Marathon, when Dean and I broke up. I handled it with great care. I leane din to smell it.

I sneezed.

"Gazundheit!" She said, pulling her shoes off, while hopping to keep her balance. Mom hopped over to the couch, then chucked her shoes, not caring where they landed. "Okay so do you wnat Bston Kreme or chocolate with spr-oh. You busy?"

I shook my head, gently folding the dress up.

Mom grabbed my Dean box and brought it to the closet. She then came back to take my Jess box, but I held it tight in my hands. "C'mon kid..." she said in barely above a whisper

I gave up and let her take it.

----

It was a cool, crisp day. I walked around Stars Hollow, carefully avoiding Luke's diner. Instead, I headed to the bridge. I don't know why I would want to go there, where most of Jess and I's memories where.

There was a shadowy figure sititng on the bridge, head down. I knew who it was, so I didn't know why I approached him.

"Hey," he said in a hoarse whisper

"Hey back..." I replied, taking a seat beside him, but making sure there was some distance.

"Why didn't you come to the diner this morning?"

"Oh...I was asleep," I lied

"You really suck at lying, you know that, right?" he laughed

I couldn't help smiling. "Yeah." There was a silence. I hated the silence. Ity made me uncomfortable, and gave me too much time to think. "So what do you wnat to talk about?" he asked after a few minutes

"What?" I asked, surprised

"Last night you said you wnated to talk to me. So I assume there is something you want to talk about?"

"Oh um...not really?" I rubbed the back of my neck and looked anywhere but his eyes. "I just wanted to...talk to you."

"My comment still stands." He didn't look at me.

I said nothing, only stared at my feet. I couldn't tell him now. My palms were beginning to sweat. "Look. I just want you around," I said a bit uncomfortable. "We're friends, right?"

"Yeah..." he replied. There was something about his voice that I just couldn't capture. I decided to ignore it. More silence.

Then wordlessly, he got up, and walked off. "I'm sorry..." I whispered, watching him go off.

Why am I such a chicken? Why can he confess to me his feelings, but I just sit around, saying we're just friends, making him believe that I don't love him? It's a lie. I am live in a lie. And worst of all, I'm making him live in it too...

a/n another uneventful chapter. I really hope this story gets better! Please review with ideas, critisism, anything! Flames, I don't care! Just ggive me some feedback people!