Yesh friends, hell has frozen over and Satan is knocking on mah door. I have updated. Aw mah gawd. I really had this tibit in my journal for months, then I got lazy and never bothered to type it up, then I lost my journal, then I found my journal and lost Microsoft word, and then I got lazy again. I'm only typing this up for the reviews, and no reviews, no next chapter. Peace out foo'.
Disclaimah: In a happier world, I would have owned Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy. Sadly, this is not a happier world.
Chapter Nine: Where the Plot Begins and Other Stuff ends… Momentarily.
After the horrible party incident, lives continued as always. The Greatest Female Ninja Ever has caught a cold and everyone else got so OOC that they left her cold and alone in her room watching reruns of Clifford. No matter how hard she tried to concentrate her amazing psychic mind powers she could not magnetize the remote five feet away to her. Besides, concentrating gave her a migraine. This condition was especially strong tonight, for the Accessory Shop just got a batch of new earring from Halloween Town, and poor Yuffie couldn't even be there to steal any. Er, scratch that last phrase.
Actually, most of this was in Yuffie's head. Aerith sent Kuh-Low-Duh to entertain Yuffie with his so called magic tricks, but that ended when his hair poked a hole in the hat, and the rabbit for his final act got away. Currently he sat on the couch watching Clifford with a strange look of fascination on his face. Yuffie shuddered and moved a few inches away from him. Maybe the reason she didn't change the channel was because she was afraid of his eternal wrath if she even touched the remote.
At the Accessory Shop – New earrings for Vincent!
The OOCness was clearly shown here.
Aerith was avoiding all things pink and girly. Vincent was trying on earring, necklaces, and bracelets. Leon spent all his savings on a big tiara with pink blaze shards all over it.
"…I'll take the one that's black and studded with rubies… The pink one? THE PINK ONE? RAAAAAWR!" (Aerith)
"Oh, mah, gawd! I HAVE to have these cute little pinky rings with these adorable little kitty-cats on them! Hehehehe!" (Vincent)
"Don't I look pretty in this tiara?" (Leon)
Now that's over with…
Yuffie just managed to sneak out of the living room and sighed a great big sigh of relief when suddenly a Darkball charged out of nowhere and aimed right for her gut. Her eyes widened and let out a stream of prayers and the Darkball rampaged across the kitchen.
"Oh gawd oh gawd I don't wanna die! I'm sorry for all the stuff I stole, and I'm sorry for teasing people, and I'm sorry for lying, but I'm not sorry for the people who's Materia I stole, it was to help Wutai! Most places they just call it tax! Please please PLEASE let me go to heaven! I don't wanna get stuck with Auron, he's OLD, and he's such a stiff mother—"
Her words were cut short by Cloud dramatically rushing in, cape flaring, wing intimidating, and light shining behind him. A choir of people dressed as angels singing had some effect too. For a moment, she even forgot he was a geek who watched Clifford. Key term in there was for a moment.
Then Cloud body slammed the Darkball, and with its inability to stand such a mass amount of armor, exploded in a wisp of black smoke. It seemed to leave a part of itself behind because there was a slight whining beneath Cloud. After a few seconds, he processed the whining and blinked a few times, then got up.
The whining seemed to come out of a girl that looked like a Barbie with plastic surgery. It sat there on the ground whimpering until it saw Cloud. Then it jumped up and leapt into Cloud, cutting him off of any circulation and lung movement. Its pink sparkly dress seemed all the more gaudy as she murdered Cloud slowly. Poor Yuffie hid in the shadows, too terrified to move.
"Oh my love! My knight in shining armor! You've rescued me! And now we can both get drunk and accidentally sleep with each other and I'll be like, 'You took advantage of me!' and you'll confessed your undying love to me and I'll run away and throw myself down a cliff and you be right behind me but you don't catch me and I die and you cry and try to kill yourself but I'll float to you as a pretty white angel and then you'll stop being depressed and I'll come back alive again and say I love you because I was in denial before and then we'll get married and have a billion babies."
"…Heee…" Cloud wheezed.
Yuffie whispered behind the kitchen wall, "Um… he's not the main character… sorry…"
The Mary Sue immediately dropped Cloud on the ground in a heap and fell on the floor whimpering again. "Need… to… be… rescued… by… main…. Character…"
In the Alleyway…
"Hey Aerith you want a lift up to the balconey?"
"No thanks." Aerith grabbed the string of advertisements, swung around, landed on the roof, and then lightly jumped up to the balcony.
Vincent and Leon stared in awe as they attempted to scramble up the walls. A unanimous thought stood in their minds: Aerith was SO not like herself today.
In the Kitchen, or more precisely, on the floor of the Kitchen
The poor Mary-Sue was crying her shallow little heart out to the world. "Why hasn't my savior come yet? I've been here for like five minutes! The main character always comes within the first three minutes!"
Yuffie was still hiding behind the wall, fearing the Mary-Sue would maul her if she said anything. And she was probably right.
Then Leon and Vincent both burst in the kitchen at the same time, with Vincent raising his new water gun to replace his old Death Penalty gun and Leon hiding behind him like a three-year-old. The Mary-Sue immediately used her magical scan ability to detect who was more rescuer-like in this picture. Therefore, she glomped Vincent.
"Oh my lord! My skin! It burns like a thousand fires on speed!" And then Vincent started melting.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOooooo…o…" and Vincent turned into a puddle with real eyes. Yuffie stared at the puddle and the Mary-Sue hugging thin air and shouted to them.
"Hey, Squallie, go borrow the Vincent mould from Tetsuya Noruma!"
"Aye-aye, ma'am." Then Leon skipped off riding his Scooty-Puff jr. (If you can tell me which show that came from I shall give you a Twinkie.)
The Mary-Sue suddenly realized Vincent was no longer being choked to death and instead in a puddle under her, she turned into a female Behemoth PMSing! Okay no. But she did fly into a rage and turned on Yuffie.
"You, yoooo! You're the one who killed my Vinnie-poo! You shall pay as I use my mystical God-like powers that will hit you every time and every time you try to hit me you will MISS!" The Mary-Sue started jumping around the room on one leg and making various movements with her hands and uttering an ancient incantation that sounded somewhat like this: "One little, two little, three little ponies. Four little five little, six little ponies, frolicking around in the hay!"
The Yuffster screamed with horror. "AHH! IT BURNS US!" then clutched her ears and pulled in a vain attempt to rip them off. After the singing had stopped, the Mary-Sue looked triumphant and Yuffie extremely relieved.
"Okay, okay, you win. Now what do you want?"
The Mary-Sue looked like she was about to say something, then stopped and looked puzzled. "Hey that's right, what DO I want? Oh wait! I know! The classic plot! I just want to settle down from killing vampires and have a family." The Mary-Sue looked innocent enough.
Yuffie was confused. "Well, three things you need to know: One, there are no vampires in Traverse 'cept Vinnie. Two, if you mass murder vampires, wouldn't Vinnie be dead by now? Three, Vinnie is still whining on about his old girlfriend who cheated on him with a mad scientist, and I swear nothing works on him.
The Mary-Sue had a sudden stroke of brilliance that she will never have again in her lifetime. "Then, I shall disguise myself as Lucrecia! And Rinoa! And Aerith! And Kairi! So I can put all the Kingdom hearts guys under my superior mind control! Bwa-hahahahahaha!"
Yuffie blinked a few times, processing the information into her head. "That's nice. But you do you that 'Bwa-haha' is SO five minutes ago. You should really try 'Eeeeehehehe!'"
The Mary-Sue scribbled the down on a notepad and set off to enslave the KH guys. "First, I must get Vincent. KABLOOMIES!" The Mary-Sue magically turned into Lucrecia.
Yuffie gaped like the idiot she was. "B-But, how did you do that without plastic surgery? That's like, bending the rules of reality!"
The Mary-Sue rolled her eyes. "First, this isn't real. It's a bleeping fanfic! Second, all Mary-Sues come with the power to bend reality. Like DO'H."
"Um, okies."
Then the Mary-Sue dashed off someplace, but Yuffie heard her trip and scream and fall on something with an unappetizing squelch, Yuffie winced.
"Ooo… I think she just fell on Vincent…"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
Sephiroth's Marvelous Mini-Show!
$$$SPECIAL EDITION$$$
A Day in the Life of Yuffie: Mornings.
"DING DING DING DING DING!"
"Dammit foo', shut up!" Yuffie picked up her alarm, threw it out the window, where it hit a toucan passing by, and the bird squawked, knocked over a lamppost, which in turn broke open the window of Gepetto's house. Then one of the shards knocked over a candle, which lit his whole house and Pinocchio up in pyro.
"NOOOO! My house! PINOOOOCHIOOOOO!"
Anyhoo, back to Yuffie.
She got up finally, rubbed her eyes, and yawned. Then after sitting for five minutes, staring at the wall with drool coming out of her mouth, the Yuffster got up and leisurely strolled to the bathroom. This is going to take a while, so let's come back later.
Two hours later…
"Yuffie! I really need to go to the bathroom! I hafta peeee!"
"Wait a minute Squallie!"
"Okay…"
"La la laaa…"
"…"
"Waaaaaade in the water. Wade in the water, children. Waaaaade in the water."
"…!"
"Okay Squallie I'm all done!" Yuffie walked out with a smile on her face, and then she noticed the yellow puddle under Leon. Yuffie sighed.
"See Squallie, this is why we don't take Viagra with beer."
In the Kitchen – Gourmet Heartless!
"Hey, what's this stuff in mah cereal?" Yuffie pointed to her cereal as Aerith washed the dishes.
"It's Lucid Shards mixed with Shadow Eyeballs. It's good for you."
"Like ew."
So after the Great Ninja Yuffie got her nutrition and hygiene, she was ready to step out into Traverse to kill more Heartless. Thus ends our episode.
THATWAZTEHLONGESTSHOWIVEEVERWRITTENIFEELSPECIALYAYNESSYO
Wootness. I liked the show more than the ficcum. Lawlz, drop a review, and see you next time!
P.S. If you don't like it, make sure you flame! Sephy can't burn villages forever to heat the house!
