Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk
Avalon Estel: Hey! I was NOT insulting Shakespeare! I just thought of a stupid name. It was originally going to be Timmy Spunkypants/Funkypants, but I thought William sounded better... Oh, wait, I said he was a playwright. Oh, well. But it wasn't supposed to be Shakespeare. XD Well…anyways…RANDOMNESS ROCKS!
Naoko Tasaki: BROWNIE! I'm updating, I swear! Ooh, call your ficcy Harry Potter and the GREATEST FANFICTION AUTHOR IN THE WORLD, SUPER SHAYDE!...Just kidding.
Remember Cedric Diggory: Aww, poor you! The praying mantises WILL RETURN!
A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: Whoa, that's a whole lot of stinky angst. Yeah, well, Sirius was a BAD professor. He accepted bribery! And that's…er…bad! Yeah! Ew, shrimp. Yum, 1,000 Island. Ew, Draco. Ew, Tom Felton. Is it REALLY the heir? You'll have to find out, haha. I liked the heir, too. He was coolies. But he wasn't really snotty, he was just cream-puff-steal-y.
Thanks to: EE's Skysong, Haley Carr, Faint Hate, Ash Vault Rose Garden, and Henrietta-Black, who I am too lazy to reply to as I want to write this chapter quickly because of the delay and long wait.
Chapter Five: Yellow Monkey Dishwashers and ALEXANDER THE GREAT
"Sooo…" Voldemort said casually, but then his eyes narrowed. "FEAR ME!" he roared.
"That's very interesting," Luna remarked.
"Yes, it is," Voldemort said proudly, but his eyes narrowed again. "I have brought a great evil," he said eerily. He paused dramatically.
"THE EVIL OF YELLOW MONKEY DISHWASHERS!" he shrieked.
"Yellow monkey dishwashers?" Harry demanded.
"Yellow monkey dishwashers!" Hermione gasped, ducking under the table.
"YES," Voldemort cackled, reaching into his pocket…and pulling out the DREADED YELLOW MONKEY DISHWASHER and setting it before him!
Just as he was about to press the dreaded red button that activated the thing(it was full of smelly underwear), Alexander the Great galloped into the room on his faithful steed and accidentally trampled it.
"I DEMAND CREAM PUFFS!" Alex screamed.
"NO!" Snape shrieked. "MINE!" He held his freshly made cream puffs to his chest, incidentally getting whipped cream all over his sable robes.
"NO!" Alex shrieked. "MINE!" He withdrew a sarissa – an 18 foot long spear – from thin air. "GIVE UP THE CREAM PUFFS OR HAVE A HOLE POKED IN YOUR BELLY BY MY POINTY THING!"
"HEY!" Voldemort yelled, "I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO YIELD POINTY THINGS!" So he killed Alexander.
"You killed a great historical figure!" Hermione moaned. Then she fainted from despair.
Harry weeped over Sirius' dead body. Suddenly, Remus appeared.
"What's going on…?" he asked, confused at the scene until he saw Sirius. He dropped to his knees. "NOOOOO!" he wailed, "I AM THE LAST TRUE MARAUDER LEFT!"
"What's that mean?" Ron asked.
Remus shrugged.
"Very informative," Ron said sarcastically.
"Like, so totally informative," a familiar voice said.
They all turned in surprise.
"Aly?" Harry gasped.
"Yeah, like, its totally me," she said, smirking, "And I didn't come to see YOU, I came to see my omnipotent, uber-cool dad."
Voldemort beamed.
"I MUST KILL YOU!" Harry shrieked, taking out his Green Flame Torch.
Aly kicked it out of his hand with some crazy mumbo-jumbo karate move. Then she ate some cheese, waved to Voldemort, and left.
"GASP!" Harry gasped pointlessly.
Then Luna ran off to find Crumple-Horned Snorkacks(or whatever they're called) in Sweden(or wherever they live).
"NOOOO, DON'T LEAVE ME LOVE!" Neville cried, running after her.
Suddenly, Snape burst out, "Let's sing the Froggie song!"
"OKAY!" everyone agreed cheerfully.
"A froggie for you," Harry sang, "A polka-dotted froggie for you!"
"A froggie for you," Hermione sang, "A burny froggie for you!"
"A froggie for you," Ron sang, "A stripey-tastic froggie for you!"
"A froggie for you," Voldemort sang, "A Jimmy Choo fancy shoe froggie for you!"
"Jimmy Choo fancy shoe?" Snape said blankly.
"Jimmy Choo fancy shoe," Voldemort confirmed.
"Okay then," Snape shrugged.
"ITS FISHY TAG TIME!" Dumbledore shrieked, driving in with the car.
"YAY!" everyone shrieked.
Everyone ran around slapping each other with dead fish.
"This is kind of gross," Ron said conversationally.
"True," Harry said brightly.
"Wait…" Harry said suddenly, "THERE IS NO TIME FOR FUN! WE MUST FIND THE HEIRS!"
"OH NO!" everyone chorused, "WE TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!"
So they all flew off on nonexistent wings to find the heirs.
They stopped to take a break in an eerie forest.
"Gosh, I'm so tired," Harry groaned.
"Me too," Ron whined.
"Shut it, you two," Hermione said irritably.
"I'm not tired…" a creepy voice said from behind them, "I'm HUNGRY…for HUMANS!"
They all turned around, aghast, to see…
THE END of CHAPTER FIVE(no, that's not what they saw.)
A/N: HAHAHAHA a cliffy!
