Through Hazel Eyes
Ddoskocil
A/N: Okay, so I need to stop listening to the radio. I was listening to "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson the other day, and I though what if I write this story from John's point of view. So that's what I did. Oh, and I needed some excuse take a break from biochem. Let me know what you think. Before I forget, this story has only been read over once by yours truly, so I'm sure there are lots of mistakes. I'll fix them later. Like Wednesday or Friday.
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John tried to be still through out the briefing, but he was buzzing with energy. He wanted to be out of Atlantis and on the mainland, preferably with Rodney. He kept glancing at the other man, trying to send subtle hints, but Rodney seemed to be ignoring him. John gave up after a little while. The meeting would be over soon enough and then Rodney and him could enjoy themselves on the mainland. Just the two of them for a little R and R. They could be back to Atlantis by dinner and maybe he could convince Rodney to watch his football tape in the rec room tonight. John smiled at the thought.
The meeting ended and John stood slowly. He wanted the others out of the room before he approached Rodney, but Rodney seemed to be thinking the same things. The scientist approached John with single-minded determination. John smiled.
"Colonel, do you have a moment?" Rodney asked. John's smile widened, and Rodney turned away. John's smile faltered a little. Rodney never turned away from him before.
"What's up, McKay? Another jumper that needs to be tested?" he asked. He though the guise they used was clever, although he thought Elizabeth saw past it. It didn't matter though, because it was still clever. Jumpers needed to be tested and John could fly them.
"No, actually," Rodney responded. John frowned. No. What the hell did that mean? "Just follow me."
He didn't give John a chance to say anything else as he walked from the briefing room. John followed because he really needed to know why they couldn't "test the jumper" and have a little fun on the mainland after an exhausting mission.
"What's this about, McKay?" he asked slowly. Rodney didn't respond. He didn't even look back at John. John frowned and crossed his arms over his chest, but he followed. He wanted to know what the hell was wrong with McKay because this was not the Rodney he knew. They made they way to the labs and went straight to Rodney's office. When the door was locked, John tried again.
"Rodney?" John asked as he positioned himself on the edge of Rodney's desk. "What's this all about? I thought we were going to go on a little trip to the mainland?"
"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don't want to?" Rodney burst out. That took John back a bit.
"No, I guess not," John admitted slowly. He never thought Rodney wouldn't want to go. Why wouldn't he?
"What the hell are we doing here, Sheppard? Because, really, I want to know what you think."
"What do you mean?" John burst out. It wasn't what he meant to say, but it came out none-the-less. He was still a little put out about not getting any sex on the mainland.
"Oh for crying out loud! I found out about that alien girl," Rodney blurted out. Mara? What the hell did Mara have to do with anything? Wisely, John did not voice his questions.
"So I want to know exactly what you think we're doing here."
"Look, McKay," John replied instead. He dropped his voice and drew out the name. He was starting to become pissed.
"No, you look, Colonel. I'm done with this, all right." If John had been stunned before, that shocked the hell out of him. Rodney was breaking up with him? He couldn't quite wrap his brain around that thought. Rodney was ending it? They wouldn't be together anymore? Suddenly, John couldn't breath. When had McKay become that important to him? He tried to push it aside, but the feeling wrapped around his heart like a vise.
"If that's how you feel, McKay," he responded. It was the only thing he could think of. It sounded a bit cold, but John really wasn't thinking straight. Rodney just broke up with him.
"I guess I'll see you at the next team briefing," he stated as if it didn't bother him and turned to leave.
"I'm taking myself off your team," Rodney replied. It felt like a slap in the face. There was no way Rodney would remove himself from the team. The scientist loved to travel off world.
"What are you talking about, McKay?"
"I'm too valuable to be in the field. I'll assign another scientist to take my place. I'm not going through the gate unless it's an emergency from now on. Elizabeth already agreed to it," McKay snapped back. Elizabeth? Rodney was leaving the team. They wouldn't see each other every day. They wouldn't have arguments about flying and math and the natives and anything else that came up. Rodney wasn't just breaking up with him, he was completely disassociating himself from John. The hell with that.
John glared at him for a second. "I'm talking to Elizabeth about this," he almost yelled before he stormed out of the office. The scientists around eyed him, but John didn't care. He had one destination: Elizabeth.
Of course, Elizabeth had already made up her mind. All she did was give John all the good reasons why McKay shouldn't be on his team. Atlantis couldn't run without Rodney; Rodney was a valuable asset to the city; systems were failing and with Rodney around they would be fixed sooner. John wanted to scream at her. What about him? He couldn't survive without Rodney. But he kept his mouth shut and stormed out of Elizabeth's office with nothing resolved.
He went to the gym and beat the hell out of the poor bag until his knuckles were bloody. When Teyla entered she just eyed him, but said nothing. John was happy for that. He didn't want to talk about it. There was nothing to talk about. Besides, it was Rodney. He would probably be at the next team briefing all apologetic.
But at the next briefing, there was no McKay, just some geek in combats. John didn't even bother to learn his name. The kid would be gone by the end of the week and Rodney would be back by his side. John would see to that. He made that mission miserable for the kid. They didn't take a jumper and it was a good three-mile hike to the village. And John kept the pace steady. He barked at Teyla and Ronon whenever they complained and almost tore the kid's head off for stopping.
John Sheppard was not happy. He was determined that the others would not be happy either.
After that mission, he figured the kid would have quit and tell Rodney to stuff it, but he showed up on the next mission, and the one after that. John was running out of mean things to do to the kid. Pierce was his name.
And in all that time, John never saw Rodney. Not once. And it hurt more than it had any right to hurt.
It was almost a month later when he saw Rodney outside his quarters. He clenched his teeth and fists and tried to push away the excited hammering at his heart.
"McKay," he said with as little feeling as possible.
"Colonel," Rodney replied in a cold voice.
"Where are you off to?" John said, hoping to draw Rodney out a little.
"I was looking for Stackhouse."
John's heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened. Had Rodney moved on already? "Why?"
"Because I need a pilot, Colonel. Why else would I go to an enlisted man?" That stung.
"Of course," John responded, deflated. "Stackhouse is out on a mission. I could do it for you."
Rodney stopped mid-step. John could see the gears turning and twisting and knew Rodney was thinking it over. John figured Rodney was testing a jumper (for real) and he knew there were only a few people Rodney let fly. He hoped he was still one of them.
"Fine," Rodney barked.
"Fine," John agreed.
The walk to the jumper bay was made in complete silence. It was weird for John, who was used to Rodney's non-stop chatter. The silence continued as they flew, punctuated by Rodney's fingers flying over his laptop. Finally, John could not take it anymore.
"I've been thinking," he started.
"Is that a new development?" Rodney shot back.
John rolled his eyes, "We worked well together, Rodney. And this new guy you stuck us with, Pierce, he just doesn't cut it. Why don't you come back to the team?"
"I'm happy with what I'm doing," Rodney replied as he checked his computer read outs.
"You've got to miss gate travel, though."
"Oh, yes. I miss being shot at, chased, and hunted. I especially miss those forced marches and the running," Rodney snarked back.
"I miss you Rodney," John admitted. The admittance startled even him, but as he thought about it he realized it was true. He did miss Rodney. He really missed Rodney.
"What?"
"Don't you miss me just a little?"
"No. I don't miss the lying, the cheating, the stupid rules, the deceiving, the lows, or the crashes. I don't miss any of it. This jumper's fine. Let's take it back to Atlantis." John took a deep breath in to steady himself. Rodney really didn't miss him and John didn't blame him. He'd been horrible to Rodney and Rodney finally grew sick of it. He'd been an idiot. He thought about all the stupid things he'd done to Rodney over the past two years. And he regretted it. He never realized what Rodney meant to him until that moment. They got all the way back to Atlantis and were in the jumper bay before John spoke up.
"I was an idiot, okay? I'm sorry. Just, come back."
"To the team or to you?"
"Both."
"Tell me something about you."
"What?"
"Tell me something about you," Rodney repeated.
"I like to surf," John replied with a shrug. It was the first thing that came to mind.
"That's not what I meant and you know it. Tell me something I don't know. Tell me something no one knows," Rodney demanded. John stared at him. There were so many things he could tell Rodney, but he didn't want to. Some of those memories were better left alone. So he just stared at Rodney, not really sure what to say.
"If you can't even do that, than no," Rodney replied shortly. Then he stormed out. John waited two heartbeats.
"Fuck!" That was his chance and he blew it. Fuck.
