"You coming to see the game?" asked Ryan early Wednesday morning.
Seth seemed lost.
"Seth?"
Shot right back to the reality of the school hallway, Seth nodded.
"Yes. The game. After school. Right. Ill be there man."
"Ready for poker after? You have to win over Chuck tonight. The guy thinks he can take you."
Seth smiled his winning smile, sure of himself and his poker skills.
-" He's going down."
"That's my man." Ryan patted him on the shoulder.
"Hey," Ryan seemed interested." So what's the deal with you and Anna? Still war?"
Seth's brown eyes seem to darken for a split moment. He didn't know what the deal with Anna was. Frankly, he didn't really care.
Not receiving an answer, Ryan pressed on. " Could just tell her Summer made a move on you. I mean how many times has that excuse worked for ya?"
Ryan winked.
Seth put his smile back on.
" Yeah," He said in a hushed tone.
Ryan knowing when to stop, dropped the subject and went back to talking about poker. Seth seemed his normal self. Well at least as normal as he's been lately.
Not one for gossip, Ryan involuntarily overheard a conversation in the hallway that was a heavy discussion of Seth.
-" He acts so different lately," said one girl.
-" Kathy Polak was flirting with him the other day, like full on, and you know how they all think she's really hot right,well he didn't even look at her. Just said excuse me and walked away"
The girls listening expressed their utter shock.
-" There's been 4 parties in the past several weeks that he missed, that he would never miss before."
The first girl spoke again.
-" Him and Anna aren't even together anymore. I don't think he's with anyone."
This last statement gave birth to a lot of ideas in the girls' minds. Seth, if this was the adult world, would be the most sought after bachelor. In the school life he was the Jordan Catalano. His antics, known to everyone were the constant subject of heated conversations, so when the antics stopped, gossipers all over started worrying if maybe the player was ill.
The one person that was the cause of this entire hiatus was strangely avoiding hallways and cafeteria, conveniently sick during all her English classes, unable to stay after school at any time, and generally barely seen at all. Summer was doing everything in her power to avoid Seth, schoolmates, people, gossip, and the world as a whole.
One could say this was out of anger and desperation. One could say she wanted to put it all behind her and forget anything ever happened. But Summer knew it was because she was fighting a war within herself and if she was exposed to Seth one side would have a huge advantage over the other; it would be the side of her that would question all her morals and walk up to Seth and demand an explanation. It would be the side of her that dreamed of slapping that perfect cheek of his in the middle of the hallway and start off a heated argument in a rage, which in Summer's daydreams somehow always ended with a passionate kiss. This was the side that hated and couldn't resist Seth Cohen at the same time. The other less emotional part of Summer was all about pretending there was no such person as Seth Cohen existing in this world; needless to say, this side, though a very rational one, was loosing out.
Summer questioned herself for many reasons. It wasn't just Seth that was the problem. She questioned her ability to be in a relationship at all. Could she do it? She was so used to being tough and independent. So cliché. But past experiences always resurfaced. Images of friends happy in their relationships always found their way into Summer's head and she compared them to her own disappointments. When she thought of this she would lower her head and drift off, thinking of Chris and how badly she used to want him. She remembered all the sweet moments they had, his little speeches which caused her to laugh, and his way of kissing her hand. She thought bitterly of how she couldn't keep him. Couldn't make him stay. He left her, and she was bitter. All her images, all her conceptions about love, romance, and relationships changed drastically. It wasn't just her parent's marriage that made her bitter. Somehow she felt a failure in relationships. She felt weak in them.
What Summer couldn't understand is how Seth Cohen out of all people got her thinking about this. Why she was even imagining being with him was beyond her. How do you get the most popular guy in the school to fall for you? Why would you, a keener for independence and zero respect for Casanova-woman chasers, fall for him? There is something so typical about it, but Summer wondered, why would it be typical? It should be anything but typical. She hated him; he knew he had no chance with her and it never bothered him.
Summer thought this could just be the chase. He couldn't have her, but he wanted her because she challenged him. Stood up to his charms, critiqued his ways, made sarcastic remarks about his actions, and didn't care whether or not he walked up to her in the hallway. For a guy who's used to having power, having lost it to a challenging opponent, it must be a thrill to gain it back and prove it. Was it Seth's power that Summer hated? Or was it the thing she secretly admired? Was it his easy going attitude about relationships? Why was it so easy for him? Or was it? When they were both stripped off their masks, the Casanova and the Strong woman, where they really that different? Or was there a similarity in the way they hid from their inabilities and rejoiced in other circumstance, filling the voids with different options and ideas?
Summer knew there was no way of avoiding him forever. She knew it was foolish to continue to try. The morning she walked through the door of her English class her mind was hazy. Questioning herself and everything around her, she seemed to be in her own world. The one thing about high school though, your world is always invaded. Melissa Anders had a talent of whispering very loud the latest gossip. Especially when the person concerned was near by. That class didn't even need a play to watch. There was a free unrehearsed show going on and the school was buzzing when one of the main characters finally made her way onto the stage.
Summer was aware of things around her, but she expected nothing less, so the audience received only a silent distracted stare from her, and disappointed they decided to wait until Seth showed up. Like every crowd pleaser, he didn't keep them waiting long. He walked in looking rather distant. Sinking in his chair, he got the class book out of his bag and quickly shuffling through the pages, he found his story and absorbed himself in reading.
This odd behavior did not go unnoticed, but to the two players the audience ceased to exist, and from the moment Summer laid her eyes on Seth that morning, she knew there was something between them that made them stand out from the crowd. They shared glances. They were short and embarrassed at first, but gradually became meaningful and regretful. Seth was trying to show everything on the inside in his look, while Summer was trying to hide it all.
He found her that afternoon, sitting on a bench not far away from school grounds. He walked up behind her afraid, unsure of himself and what he was doing.
- "Hey." The sound came somewhere from deep within his throat, cautious and uneven.
She turned around and he could tell she was deciding on whether or not she wanted him to stay.
He stayed.
-" So you found me", Summer said with no emotion on her voice.
He sat down beside her and stared ahead.
-" I don't know what's going on," he said, "I thought about it a lot. I was happy with Anna and the way things were. I had it all figured out."
Summer never heard him this serious. She found his eyes.
-"You are the opposite of everything that I stand for. You don't care about anyone. I've never heard of you having a decent relationship. I don't know what you and Anna had but… You know it amazes me how you just get away with it. Oh, its just so easy for you to move on, to not care." She was speaking more quickly with each word and he realized she was barely catching her breath.
" You go to all the parties and girls cling to you like parasites, and you smile and walk the hallways like you own them. Playing your little games on everyone and everything. So smooth with your lines and little jokes. Oh I bet you had it all figured out! Never care! Always get what you want! Is that the principle you go by? Cause you sure as hell follow it closely." She paused and he thought he could get a word in, but Summer went on again.
-" You know what, I have no right to judge you. You didn't do anything to me. I don't care for your games and love escapades. I don't care for your lines and your jokes. I have no feelings for you."
Summer was sometimes complimented on good acting, but she knew this was not her strongest part. Her words fell heavy and etched, bitter and broken. They weren't those of a cold person.
Seth felt it.
-" I don't know why I kissed you, but I'm glad I did. I don't know why I think of you, but it's better to me than thinking of anything else. I don't know what I feel but I'm sure as hell not used to doing all this explaining and thinking and feeling, but one thing I'm not confused about is that you were there, that night, pressed against the wall and you kissed me back, and I know I'm not the only one here trying to figure out this mess in my head."
He felt frustrated. Summer looked at him closely. She felt a wall between them and saw it now that she was the one that built it. Seth went from being completely unattainable to being just within her reach, yet she couldn't have him, because he couldn't have her. She wasn't ready, she didn't know what she wanted in general, and she was scared to think of what she wanted with him.
Seth mistook her scared, uncertain gaze, thinking it an anger. He didn't know if this was rejection or revenge.
Summer looked away from him.
-" Whatever it is you want from me", she said," I cant give it to you."
She never admitted to having any feelings for him, but somehow he understood that she did. He sat back on the bench wondering how he ended up in this situation. Seth was thrown off guard, never having dealt with this problem before.
He would see her around the school, calm and collected. She would walk with Chris and Seth back with Anna, but there would always be a gaze, a look, a glance that would be caught. A small moment of weakness, of surrender.
They couldn't have each other. But they were around one another more often than before. As if, having stated and decided that nothing was there between them, they could now be safely around each other, each secretly wishing for the other, but safe from anyone knowing, safe from it showing, safe from the other person realizing it.
Notorious, Seth kept his popularity, won his poker games and enjoyed his parties. Summer went away for a month, and after that wasn't back to school for a while. He pushed her to the back of his mind, while she kept him only as a memory.
But time is evil. It alters images, changes feelings; it erases moments and plants new thoughts. Somewhere down the road it grabbed hold of them again, and at a school dance, somewhere mid-April, Seth saw her again.
