Vernon sighed, falling asleep on Franke's arm during orientation. "BEWARE THE BEAR AND BE CAREFUL OF THE NEW PSYCHIC SPIDER CATERPILLAR GROSS THINGIES," Oleander yelled, hitting Vernon with a stick he was using to point out parts of his sloppy orientation drawing.
"Huhwha?" Vernon asked, snapping awake.
"ALSO, I AM NOT A BAD GUY ANYMORE. I GOT HAXED BY MY DAD I ADMIT BUT IT'S ALL COOL NOW."
"Ow, my ears!" Elton yelled, covering said ears. "Turn off caps lock or you'll attract a giant lungfish!"
Coach Oleander stared deep into the soul of Elton, before just hitting him with his stick.
Elton began to spaz out, knocking Milka off her seat, yelling "CHILD ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE" just like Wesley always would in sixth grade. I remember Wes. He was way cool.
"Son, I will throw you in a barrel out to Lake Oblongata, and so help me, that barrel will be filled with deadly poisonous centipedes, toe fungus, fire, and you will catch a serious case of death."
Elton had a spaz attack and fell out of his seat, as Coach Oleander began looking for his barrel.
"Anyway kids, being de-brained sucks and never be stupid. Read." Sasha concluded the orientation, and everyone was silent.
"That went over better than usual," Milla said, walking out. "Usually someone dies."
Everyone was silent. What, you expected my usual irony?
You read me like a book, because Elton exploded.
Just then a new kid walked in, along with in fact, a gang of new kids.
"WHAT UP, MY DOZEN COUSINS?" The first new kid yelled. He was wearing sunglasses, a cool black jacket, dark blue shirt, and green pants with yellow shoes. His hair was orange and INCREDIBLY poofy. Yes, poofy. Stop telling me that's not a word, spell check.
Anyways, he sat down. "Sorry I conveniently missed the boring part of orientation! Anyway I'm here with my homies, and yes, that is a word now that I added it to the OpenOffice dictionary, Mashi, Jon, and Kenny. We're here to break your stuff, especially necks."
"I hate Jon," Mashi chirped. She was wearing a weird Aquabats shirt, with neat arm-warmers and crazy pink hair. She also had completely white (not as in bleached, a la Micheal Jackson, but a mix of all colors. R:255, B:255, G:255) skin. On top of that, she had cat ears with weird fur-stuff growing off them. Her pants were also... gothy pants.
"Yeah, I'm Jon. I'm going to Hawaii to break people's heads. Or I was before I got sucked into the FANFICTION UNIVERSE." Jon claimed. Jon was... Jon. Shut up. I don't know what he looks like, but he has huge eyebrows. In fact, that's the fun of this story, if any. Make up your own Jon!
Kenny, meanwhile, was emo, in a weirdo package. He wore a bright orange sweatshirt that blinded the suddenly revived Elton. He also had these ugly jeans that were about 10 years old, and he hadn't taken them off. Ever. He also had glasses. Yeah. He's the only person in Psychonauts with prescription glasses.
"I am so not emo," Kenny yelled, reading the words on the fourth wall.
"Anyway, where are our cabins?"
Coach Oleander stared them down.
"CAN I NOT BUNK WITH JON?" Mashi yelled.
"CAN I NOT BUNK WITH KAR?" Kenny yelled.
"CAN I BUNK WITH FIVE IRON FRENZY?" Kar screamed.
"CAN YOU TURN OFF CAPSLOCK," said the now deaf Elton.
"Chill out, Helen Keller," Kar said, hip to the fact that Elton was blind and deaf. He was not hip to the fact that making fun of the mentally disabled wasn't politically correct now that we had a mentally disabled president. OH! BURN!
"What?" Elton shouted, falling into the Phantom Zone.
"God, shut up," Oleander moaned. "Anyway you guys all have the same cabin. With ALL THE OTHER BOYS."
Everyone besides Kar was crying. Meanwhile, the entirety of Five Iron Frenzy hopped over a bush and started playing Juggernaut.
"Awesome! AWESOME!" Kar exclaimed.
"This song is on my MP3 player," Vernon noted. "But now, I have the LIVE EDITION, which doesn't sound half as good as the normal edition! AWESOME!"
"THANK YOU GUYS, EVEN THOUGH WE BROKE UP A WHILE AGO, WE WILL RISK MAKING A TIME PARADOX." Suddenly, Five Iron Frenzy was sucked out of existence.
"Anyway, kids, now that we've had our awesome, FREAKING AWESOME type orientation, we're going to go sleep. IF YOU DON'T SLEEP TONIGHT YOU'LL BE SLEEPING FOREVER." Coach Oleander yelled.
Milla sighed. There's no real significance to this event, besides the fact that she forgot it was orientation, pulled Sasha very close, and started making out on him while Sasha looked almost scared. The kids looked on in sheer terror and awe. Vernon stared blankly, while Franke clasped her hands together and grinned. Kar felt his blood run cold while Mashi was trying to shove Raz and Lili together. Jon was asleep on the ground, and Kenny had already left.
"Miss Vodello," Sasha yelled, "First of all, you're moving too fast, second – did you forget that it was orientation?"
"Yeah," Milla said. "Didn't you read that?"
"Oh," Sasha responded. "Sorry."
They turned red and ran off-stump in separate directions. Coach Oleander stared blankly. "Children, disperse."
The kids were still shocked, Mashi so close to getting Raz and Lili to make out. The coach closed his eyes and screamed, "NOW!"
Everyone scrambled.
--
Raz fell asleep on the ground just outside his cabin. Lili fell asleep in her bed, but was moved next to Raz by Lili and her evil RazLili schemes. Kar fell asleep on the bunk atop Jon's. It fell down and killed Jon.
"Whoa dude," Jon noticed. "I'm a ghost now." He flew back into his body and came back to life after Jeremie returned to the past and... screw it, there's a line on how many obscure references I'm gonna make.
"Oh sorry I killed you, Jon." Kar said.
"No problem," Jon replied.
--
Everyone woke up early besides Kar, who rolled out of his bed five hours late. He fell and broke his arm. Coach Oleander stared at him. "Kid, you mind HEADING TO CLASS?"
"Where is class?" Kar asked, as Coach Oleander took of his hat and sucked Kar into his head.
"Oh."
--
Elton threw an explosive paper airplane in the "mental dentist's office" as all the kids waited for Kar. He fell out of the ceiling and landed on Jon, who died.
"Oh, sorry I killed you, Jon." Kar said.
"No problem," Jon replied.
"This is the start of a brilliant running gag," I thought to myself.
Kar punched down the door before Coach Oleander even started talking. "Don't worry guys, I've played the game."
"You punched the door," Lili remarked cynically, as everyone was sucked into the vortex of all things lame.
"Sweet! A Sonic Popsicle with gumdrop eyes!" Razputin yelled, grabbing for it. It melted. "Oh, lame."
"Hey, an X-Box 360." Lili pointed out.
"I knew that joke was coming up," Kenny pointed out also.
"Pointing out is fun," Vernon claimed. "HEY WHAT'S THAT?" Vernon yelled. He pointed at the entire collection of Naruto manga and anime.
"Of all people, Oleander," Franke yelled towards the sky, "you should know that belongs in the Valley of the Infinitely Mediocre."
Kar opened it up, staring at it. "These are awful Japanese translations. Someone call Vocabulor, my God..."
"YOU CALLED?" Vocabulor asked.
"Not really, I just wanted to call you. We can handle this one."
"HOLY APOSTROPHE, BATMAN!" Vocabulor yelled.
"BALEEV ITT," a strange dubbed Naruto screamed over and over.
"WHY GOD WHY?" Lili screeched, pulling out her hair.
Oleander, meanwhile, turned his eyes inside his head like all the kids did in sixth grade. "What are you kids doing in the vortex of all things lame?"
"Hiding from Naruto," Vocabulor cried, disappearing into the night.
"But it's always a hot day in the vortex of all things lame," Kar mumbled. "DAY, REFERRING TO THE PERIOD OF EACH 24 HOUR CYCLE IN WHICH THE SUN IS SHINING!"
"Thanks a bunch, Junior Vocabulor," Mashi yelled, biting off Kar's head.
"No problem," Kar said, growing back another head.
"What the heck?" Vernon screamed.
"ANYWAY YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN," Oleander grumbled, shooting them into Basic Braining.
"Watching Harvey Birdman internet streams while writing fanfiction is a bad idea," Kar noted to nobody in particular. But I heard him. Watching the Goon Broadcast System while making fanfiction was also a very, very bad idea.
Anyway, the kids rushed down the bridge, heading for knowledge, and fun. Kar snagged figments out of the sky.
Nils hopped from blimp to blimp,until he fell to his death. Elka followed, through tears. "Nils! I'm coming!"
"Well," Kar looked around, getting to a minefield. "That was painful."
Dogen stood scared. "Why is it that I made it past all the jumping puzzles and gaps with my stubby feet but can't make it over a minefield? HELP!"
"No way," Mashi said, passing Dogen by.
"Yeah. Just look at the ground. It's easy." Kar mentioned.
"BUT I HAVE NO NECK!" Dogen screamed, bursting out in tears.
"Hey hey now," Quentin said. "Hey. Kitty. Chillax. Capital C. Relax. Chill. Drums. Scratch."
Dogen blew up Quentin's head as he fell in a beautiful display of rag doll physics down the "bread sticks" wall, hitting a bunch of them, falling into oblivion. Dogen did a... triple take!
--
"Wow, that was such a descriptive battle through the Basic Braining. I loved that new X-Wing part," Kar exclaimed.
"What are you talking about? We've been standing at the minefield for 3 hours." Mashi made clear.
"Yeah," Jon remarked, "but the thing is, we can pretend. I'm sure we all got the smelling salts, right?"
"No," everyone replied simultaneously.
"Oh. Later," Jon sighed, disappearing.
--
"Wow, that was such a descriptive battle through the Basic Braining. I loved that new X-Wing part," Kar exclaimed.
"Man, shut up," Mashi growled, falling asleep outside the minefield.
