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Chapter 9 – Of the Boy He Was and the Man He's Grown to Be
"Are you ready yet?" Severus asked Hermione as she opened the door to her quarters for him. In about thirty minutes they were due to leave for the Potion's Convention.
"Um, actually no." She said as he looked around the chaotic room. Clothing and shoes covered the room.
"I can't seem to fit all my shoes in two bags. I thought of bringing another one, but that would equal six in all. And that would be ridiculous." She said concluded.
"As opposed to the five?" Severus asked in his usual mocking tone. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Well how many bags do you have?"
"Two." He said promptly. She again rolled her eyes and pretended she didn't hear him as she looked around the room trying to solve her problem.
"Okay, Hermione let me help you." He offered. She looked pointedly at him.
"You are only allowed to bring three bags, and you can use half of one of mine. Try to make everything fit. If something does not fit, it doesn't go." He said with a tone that left no room for argument. Hermione knew that tone well. She suppressed a grin. She opened her mouth to say something but then shut it.
"Agreed?" He asked. She glared at him.
"I suppose my things will fit in three bags and a half." She muttered.
"I'm sure." Severus said as she started repacking.
He walked to her shelves and started to take a mental note of all the books he did not retain. "So guess who I hear is hosting the Potion's Convention?" She said not really waiting for an answer, she wasn't entirely sure that he was listening.
"Professor Bently." They both said in unison. Hermione smiled. She liked the fact that he listened to her meaningless chattering, even when he was preoccupied as if everything she said was important to him.
"You know I never actually met him." She continued.
"Which is not entirely a bad thing. He's sort of a dodgy character." He said as he flipped through the pages of a book that caught his eye.
"Well, he still is brilliant." She added.
"Yes, well there is always a hint of brilliance in the most ridiculous of people. Isn't that right, Hermione?" He said looking at her suggestively. She smirked and stuck her tongue out.
"And to think that you're a professor." He said contemptuously.
Before Hermione could retort there was a tapping at her window. They both turned to see an owl with a letter at her window.
"Are you expecting anything?" Severus asked. "No." She said heading to the window. She took the letter and read it.
Dearest Hermione,
I know we haven't spoken in a while but I was
wondering if you'd come by as soon as possible.
Hermione, last night my wife died and…I don't
think I can bear to be alone right now. I don't
think I can look after my daughter this weekend
alone. I just- I know it's been a long time, but this
would really mean a lot to me. I just don't think I
can stand to be alone right now. I just need someone.
Please come as soon as you possibly can. There is
no need to send reply unless you can not come at all.
You know where we reside.
Thank you,
Victor Krum
Hermione looked down at the letter horrified. After she said no to Victor's proposal so may years ago, he moved to London prefect his English, he was still a Bulgarian seeker, but he also owned his own company manufacturing his own brand of brooms. They were the most popular brooms in stores since its arrival and also the best.
He had married a rich English socialite named Kariann Pantaire. The last time she saw him was about a year ago when she bumped into him while in Hogsmeade. Hermione sighed heavily. She knew she would have to cancel her plans with Severus.
"Bad news?" He asked seeing the look on his face. She handed the letter to him. He read it quickly then looked up.
"Are you going?" He asked.
"Severus I have to. As much as I rather go to the Convention, this is important. He needs me." She said quickly shoving things into a bag.
"No Hermione. What he needs is to hire a nanny and to deal with this by himself. You can't help him with this. He needs to do it on his own. The last thing he needs is to run into the arms of his first love and an ex-girlfriend that he most likely still has feelings for. His wife just died."
"Oh please Severus, he does not harbour any feelings towards me. And you read how upset he was in the letter. I'd be betraying our friendship if I didn't go. It's my duty s a friend."
"Right, your duty as a friend. Hermione, tell me this, did you have any of friends around helping you get over Ron when he died? Did you call for Krum to be by your side?" He asked as Hermione glared at him.
"Severus, people deal with things in different ways. Some people need friends to be with them, others do not." She said.
"You can't be serious Hermione. This is just another way for him to get you now that his wife is gone." Severus said. Hermione sighed.
"You can't change my mind about this Severus." She said holding a bag in her hand.
"I'm really sorry, Severus I am. But he needs me right now." She said looking at him trying to make him understand. "I'll make it up to you. I really will." She said.
"Then you should be leaving then shouldn't you?" Severus said indifferently.
"Severus…."
"Bye Hermione." He said taking his exit. Hermione sighed. She didn't want to upset him, but at the same time Victor needed her more than Severus did at the moment. So she began to walk to Hogsmeade .
Severus was beside himself with anger. He couldn't understand how Hermione couldn't see that Krum was going to milk the situation for all it was worth and try to get back together with her. Severus went to his quarters and decided that he wasn't going to go to the Convention at all if it wasn't with Hermione.
Instead he'd entertain himself in his dungeons. He could spend a weekend without her. 'The silence would actually be a refreshing change.' He thought to himself. She was with him everyday for most of the day. He could stand to breathe a little.
Hermione took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Surprisingly Victor opened the door instead of a house elf. She gathered that he was awaiting her arrival. He knew she was prompt if nothing else.
Victor hadn't changed at all since she had first met him at Hogwarts during her fourth year. He was of course as handsome as ever. He looked like he hadn't slept, yet he maintained his poise as he stood in a burnt red robe.
"Hermione, I'm so glad you came. I really appreciate it." He said.
"It's no problem at all. I am very sorry for your loss." She said giving him a hug.
"Please, come in." He said leading her in. His manor was bigger than Hogwarts by far, and it was impressively decorated.
"I've forgotten that you have never been inside." He said to her looking around.
"Would you like me to give you a tour, while we talk of what has come to pass?" He asked. She laughed. He lifted a brow to her.
"I'm sorry, it's just your English, it's almost better than mine." She said at his inquiry.
"Well I learned it for you Hermione." He said as she stopped smiling.
"Yes, you can show me around the manor." Was all she said.
He took her by the hand and began to talk of Karian and her illness and death. He also introduced her to his two year old daughter, Ava. At the end of the tour he showed Hermione to the guest room. The rest of the day was spent catching up with each other.
The next day they sat in the garden drinking tea. "You must have really loved her." Hermione said after he described their relationship.
"Of course I loved her; she's the mother of my child. But it was that kind of love Hermione. It was a sort of respect. We didn't marry each other because we were in love. We married each other because the person we really loved was in love with someone else." He explained.
Hermione determined to look at everything but him said "oh." Which sounded lame even to her own ears.
"Hermione, I still love you with all of my heart. If you would just have me- if you would just open your heart to me I would take care of you. I would make sure you would never go through an ounce of pain. Hermione there is no one I want more than you.
"I want you to have my kids, grow old with me, I want to wake up with you in my arms, I want to go on dates with you, I want it to be forever you and me." He said looking pleadingly into her eyes.
Hermione was not expecting this. It came out of nowhere in her mind. "What?" She asked finding trouble finding other words.
"Hermione I want you to marry me. I know you probably can never get over Ron, but just show me how to love you and I'll do it. I'll do my best to make this work." He continued.
She was flattered to say the least. He was by far one of the sweetest guys she's ever met. But she did not want sweet. His proposal brought tears to her eyes and actually made her consider it, for only just a few passing seconds.
"I'm sorry Victor. I can't." She said softly. He looked away dejected.
"Victor, listen, we don't have anything in common. And I don't want to have to tell you how to love me, the right guy will know. I don't want you to take away my pain, its unrealistic; I just want someone to help me deal with it. I want him to be interested in the things that I'm interested in so we can argue about it.
"I want someone that can put me in my place when need be and handle the same. I need someone who challenges me. Someone who can handle me. I know that you can't." She sighed.
"Victor, I love you and I don't want you hurt. But I love you no more or less than I would my brother." She said as he swallowed visibly hard. He put on a look of understand and indifference.
"Hermione I have always thought that I'd let you go if you'd ever find someone better than me, someone who could make you happy. Even when you were with Ron. But I can't forget you, believe me I've tried." He sighed and stood up.
Hermione also stood up. She wiped her tears with her sleeve. She hated hurting him. He cupped her face and wiped her tears with his thumb.
"I'll never stop loving you Hermione Jane Granger, you're embedded in my very soul." He said as she started shaking with tears. He backed away and turned towards the door.
"You may take your leave whenever you wish, I no longer need your assistance. But I do suggest you get some rest before you do." He said. He then went inside.
Hermione made her way to the guest room and cried herself to sleep. When she awoke later that day she headed to Hogwarts.
Severus was sitting in his favorite chair, flipping through pages of a book he waited thirteen months to come out, and he was utterly bored. He sighed and slammed the book on his coffee table. He turned to the fire. Surely he was coming down with something.
He could usually sit relaxed reading a book. But somehow he couldn't do it. He was worried about Hermione. He wanted to know what she was doing, and if she was thinking of him. A knocked at his door bang on his door. He glared at the door annoyed. "Enter." He said.
The door opened and a woman took a few strides in. "Some things never change." She said as Severus' head snapped up.
"Narcissa, what brings you here?" He asked in pseudo calmness. She smirked and sat down next to him.
"I went to the Potions Masters Convention hoping to see you there. You go ever year." She said poise.
"I had better things to do." He lied.
"Apparently." She said. "I'm surprised you aren't here with the mudblood. I hear she occupies much of your time."
"What I do with my time is none of your business. But Merlin, where are my manors. Would you like a drink?" He asked getting up to pour himself a glass of wine.
"I think I'll pass. I'm still a bit shaky from the last time you tried to poison me." She smiled.
"Still on about that are you?" He asked sitting back down.
"I really miss you, Severus. You look good." She said after a few minutes of silence.
"As oppose to the hideous monster I resembled before?"
"You know I never thought you looked anything short of handsome."
"I also know that the only reason you want me now is because you know that you can't have me." He said taking a sip of his wine.
"Oh, on the contrary Severus, I've always got what I wanted. And I always will." She said.
"Narcissa-."
"She is just a girl. She cannot love you like I can. Not to mention the fact that she is too good for you. Severus I am the only person that's right for you. Half because I am the only person who knows everything about you, and still loves you and half because I am the only person that can deal with you." She said.
"Love?" He asked her carefully. She said nothing.
"Narcissa, what you call love and what I call love are two different things. You think love is merely loyalty and vocabulary. Your love led me to be a apathetic killer. You made me be someone I didn't want to be. You let the other deatheaters nearly kill me every meeting with your bouts of me being unfaithful to them.
"To you, your body is an accessory. You'll use it to get whatever you need. It was never exclusively for Lucius nor I. It was always just sex for you. When I want someone, I don't want to share. I want her to be mine. Love to me is fidelity, loyalty, activity, honesty, vocabulary, effort, and trial. It's something scared. That someone like you couldn't even begin to understand. You drop the word casually, and there is nothing casual about it."
"Oh please Severus, how self righteous. I didn't make you become anything. You did that. It was already in you to begin with, I didn't put it there. And as for using my body, well let's just say, I'd do anything for our Dark Lord and his rise to glory. And at the time you had no objections to having my body." She smirked as she scouted closer to him.
"Do you remember those days?" She asked grinning as she put her hand on his inner thigh and moving it up slowly trying to reach its destination. She leaned forward and started sucking his neck.
Severus wanted to protest, but he hadn't been touched in a long time, so he let her continue. She repositioned herself so that she was straddling his legs while she continued to rub his lower regions.
His body slowly started to respond, when one person came to his mind. Hermione. He quickly snapped opened his eyes which he didn't realized he closed, and pushed her off. She fell to the floor with a thump. They both stood up quickly.
"What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?" Narcissa exploded.
"Narcissa, I apologize for pushing you but it had to be done. I know that you may not believe this but I am not the same person I was before. I've changed." He said as Narcissa looked at him incredulously.
"Oh, Severus stop this charade, it's getting a little ridiculous!"
"Narcissa, when will you realize what we were doing for that halfblood idiot was wrong?" He asked.
"Oh, please, you were playing both sides waiting to see which would prevail."
"Oh right Narcissa, like I would like to be serving that idiot for the rest of my days, instead of living free to live my life with no strings attached! I may have been playing both sides, but that doesn't mean I wasn't bias." He said. She shook her head at him. She took a few seconds to collect herself.
"Severus, you have changed. You've become brainless! Now I feel sorry for you." She said.
"Oh, give it a rest Narcissa." She glared at him lethally. She then sighed and decided to change her tack. She calmed a bit then looked down.
"Severus, haven't you missed me at all?" She whispered.
"Haven't you missed us? The good times?" She asked walking up to him slowly.
"It wouldn't be like it was before. There is no Voldermort, no Lucius, it's just us. Severus, for once it's just us." She said as she put her hands in his.
"I've always needed you." She continued.
"Narcissa." He warned.
"Severus, please, don't turn me away again. Even if this is the last time. Just let me have one time with you before I give you up." She whispered on his lips.
He closed his eyes and she took this as a yes. She started kissing him slowly and attentively at first. Something she had never done. Then it elevated as it became fervent and needy as there tongues fought for dominance. Narcissa wanted him to know how much she wanted him and how mad she was with him for choosing to be a spy, and for not needing her as much as she needed him.
Severus realized then that he was no longer in love with this witch. He was only obliging her wish. He actually felt a little disgusted with himself for kissing her when he knew she had done the same with plenty of others. If she thought that she was going to get more than the kiss she was wrong.
But something happened that neither of them expected. Severus' door swung open and there stood Hermione watching as Severus and Narcissa kiss passionately in front of her. Severus turned to see who had just entered his quarters without so much of a knock. His face and heart fell when he saw Hermione standing there. He threw Narcissa away from him as fast as he could.
"Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry! I-I d-didn't mean to interrupt! I-I w-was j-just stopping b-by to a-ask you a question! I'm going to leave you two! I-I am truly sorry! I-!" Hermione said as fast as she could then dashed out of the room.
"Hermione!" He called out, but it was too late, the door was already closed. He quickly turned to Narcissa who threw her arms up, shrugged, and gave him a lop-sided grin.
"Out!" He said pointing to the door.
"Come on, you can't be serious! You're throwing me out because of Granger!" She asked incredulously.
"No, I'm throwing you out because I'm ashamed. I never want to be with you. Don't be offended when I say I hold myself better than this. Believe me when I say that I have changed." He said.
"Fine." She said as she walked towards the door.
"But know this; she's too good for you. She's a smart girl, you'll never have her." She said and exited.
Severus sighed. He would have to think of a way to get rid of Narcissa. She was doing her best to ruin the only remains of a life that he had. He took his cloak and started his search for Hermione. He hopped he'd find her in her quarters or in her office but he didn't. He checked the Headmistress' office but no avail.
He swept the castle but still no avail. He groaned. He hoped she didn't leave the castle. It was raining cats and dogs, as they would say. He searched the grounds and still could not find her. He sat on a bench in the garden.
She would think he lied to her after what she walked in on. He tried to think of what he would say to her, but no words came. Why were things so hard when it came to her? It was always work to get to the next exquisite moment with her. He wanted more with her.
He knew it was something that couldn't possibly be, but he wanted it anyways. He let the rain hit him therapeutically, he had no idea how long he'd been sitting there. He was sure it was longer than an hour, but he was not planning on going anywhere.
"What are you doing out here?" A voice asked. Severus looked up and saw Hermione standing in front of them with a rather large umbrella. He said nothing for a while.
"Severus, are you okay?" She asked concerned.
"Hermione-." He began.
"Severus, if this is about what I walked in on I truly am sorry. I didn't know." She apologized again. He still said nothing. She sighed and took out her wand. She dried him, enchanted the umbrella to hang above them, and she dried the bench.
"Are you mad at me?" She asked taking a seat next to him.
"No." He whispered.
"Then why are you sitting here in the rain?" She asked.
"It wasn't meant to happen. I didn't want to-." He stopped. Silence took over their conversation.
"She doesn't deserve you. You know that right?" She asked. "You're not that same guy you were before. You're better than that." She paused. "But if you love her, th-then I'm happy for you Severus. You deserve happiness, regardless if it's with her." She said smiling.
When she first saw them together, she felt a strong sense jealousy consume her. At that moment her heart stopped beating and she felt an overwhelming urge to cry. She assumed it was because he had lied to her. He told her they weren't involved at all. She couldn't imagine how he could touch her let alone kiss her after what she did to him.
Afterwards she realized that he must love her a lot more than he had led on. And that hurt to know. The thought that he may not have enough room for her in his heart, it just made her want to cry and lash out at the same time. It was then she knew she must feel more than an attraction for him. And after what happened, the thought just hurt.
"Hermione, I don't know what happened. Believe me when I say that it wasn't something I wanted. She just began to ask if I could kiss her one last time, and in all truth, I felt like I owed it to her.
"But when we kissed, it felt wrong. I became aware that I don't love her. I mean I will always love her as a friend; we've been through a lot together. But other than that- I just can't be with her anymore. It isn't who I am. Not anymore." He said.
Hermione said nothing; she couldn't for fear of ruining the moment. Severus mistook her silence for something else. He wondered if she thought less of him then she originally did. He wanted to ask, but at the same time he didn't want to seem weak, as if her answer would affect him in any way. Hermione put her hand in his. "Come on; let's go inside before you get sick." Hermione said as she led him to the castle.
a/n – Hope you liked this chapter. I know it's been forever since I updated. My apologies, life just all of a sudden happened. Review!
