Hey, I know this is only a very short chapter, but everyone was asking for an update, so I thought I'd give you a little bit, although I know it doesn't answer most of the questions people keep asking (like why did Meredith sign herself AS and what did she whisper to Carlos?) I promise I'll answer those soon... until then I'll just tell you that some people have worked out some of the answers - and sorry jess... you're prediction wasn't quite what I had planned. I hope you like this just as much.
Hurt:
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
MEREDITH
Meredith waited until she was all alone. Sometimes it felt like that moment would never come and each second of the day was a little step towards this one point, where she could be herself. Where she could let go.
She was so tired of pretending. Pretending that she was happy, pretending she was healthy, pretending that she was in love… In these moments of solitude, she would let it all overtake her and she would slide to the floor like a little Ella and cry like there was no tomorrow. Only there was a tomorrow, and Meredith would be there to meet it.
It wasn't the bruises. She could cope with the pain, she could even hide the ugly marks that so disfigured her skin, but this hatefulness which seemed to have grown up around her – she was slowly suffocating under her own life and there was no one to pull her up.
Most of the time, all those hours she spent with that smile fixed on her face until her muscles ached and screamed, she told herself it was ok. It didn't matter that Carlos lost control, because he loved her, and she loved him.
Just then, the shrill call of the phone pierced through her silence, cursing, she heaved herself to her feet and lifted it to her ear.
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
ALLY PATTERSON
Ally Patterson was so tired she could no longer feel her feet. They seemed to move under her like an airport conveyor belt, carrying her through the never ending shift. A few hours ago, she would have gossiped with one of the nurses about Dr. Shepherd, the hot new attending, or joked around with Henry, but now it as taking all her consent ration just to keep the lids of her eyes from shutting down altogether.
She sighed, "What had ever possessed her to want to become a surgeon?" and despite the fatigue, a grin crept onto her face and the memory of a seven year-old girl telling her parents that she was going to be a doctor. Well, here she was, sixteen years later – being a doctor.
Ally looked up to find herself standing in front of a middle aged woman and a small girl. The little girl had tear streaks down her cheeks and mud splashed over her denim shorts, but when she smiled, her face lit up with the enthusiasm of youth, her dark ringlets, bobbing along with her excitement.
"Hello, my name is Dr. Patterson. You can call me Ally," she added to the grinning toddler. "What have you been up to today?"
The woman pulled the girl onto her lap, "Oh, thankyou, I'm Elizabeth McKenzy, and this is Ella. We've been to the park, but Ella fell off the slippery dip. I'm not actually a relative, just a neighbour, I really should call her mother but I know she'll worry, so I just brought her to the nearest hospital."
"I'm sure it will be fine," she turned to Ella, "can you tell me where it hurts?"
Ella dramatically extended her whole right arm, bottom lip quivering in sympathy. "How about we take you off for an x-ray?" she turned to Mrs. McKenzy, "You can call the mother now if you like; it'll probably take a while."
With that, Ally and Ella walked off the X-ray lab hand in hand.
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
"So," Ally told the three year old, gravely handing her a lolly pop, Ella reached out a mud splattered hand for the prize, "it looks like you have a sore arm."
"A comminuted extra-articular fracture," said Ella intoned, snatching the sweet.
Ally burst into an amused giggle, "where on earth did you learn that?"
"Mummy's got one," the little girl said the words like they were the most obvious thing in the world, and really, Ally should have realized that for herself.
"Did your mummy fall of a slippery dip too?" What a little entertainer this one was. Preconscious, but incredibly sweet.
"No," Ella suddenly shifted, and her big grey eyes seemed to fill up her entire face, "Daddy hit her and she fell over."
The laughter died on Ally's lips.
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
