Dear Diary, I Enjoy Talking to Inanimate Objects

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO. My GOD I'm bored...

D/N: I... am... so... impossibly... bored... you... can... not... begin... to... imagine... Anyway, I'm busy writing my 'To Kill a Mockingbird' essay right now, so I've decided the best way to begin is to procrastinate. SO, here's a little... I don't know... something. Featuring Kaiba. Doing whatever it is I've told him to do.

OooOOOooO

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Days left to find Mokuba's Present: 7

Days left in therapy: 275

Current Time: 10:35am

Will never refer to you as 'diary' or 'you'. Now called Bob, to avoid any signs of insanity that come from talking to book. One step closer to shutting damn psychiatrist up. Sick of psychiatrist. Must hire hitman for psychiatrist. Psychiatrist must understand thatself agrees with insufferable fool about Egyptian God Cards coming to life and obliterating everything in sight and people trapping other people in separate realm complete rubbish.

Note to self: Must alsofind new means of hiding medication. Psychiatrist has begun checking pockets and cheeks and shoes and hair and ears and nose. Do not want to hide pills in any slightly more creative spots. Fear that he will check there and enjoy it. Psychiatrist sending out looks reserved for two people of opposite genders.

Second note to self: Find out if constant interrogations of relationship status is bad sign.

Current Time:12:02pm

Having bad day. Having horrible day. Am completely annoyed with essay. Should not have to do essay. Am running multi-billion dollar company with sufficient ease. Should be proof enough that am genius. Should not have to risk intelligence by getting less than perfect mark for failing to explain poverty in bloody book. Hate book. Book is bad. Must kill author.

Current Time: 12:10pm

Have researched author. Author already dead. Someone beat selfto punch. Too lazy to think up good fun with author's bones. Just as well. Have dealt with enough old spirits in one lifetime, thank you.

Must finish essay. Due tomorrow. Must finish speech. Presenting tomorrow. Hate company. Hate school. Would destroy both if were not heaping in piles of money or full of innocent bystanders. ... Is possible will destroy school anyway. Have enough money from company - which will be spared - to cover it up.

Current Time: 3:02pm

Do intend to start work on essay at some point in time, but find procrastinating much more amusing. Work well under pressure. Enjoy pressure. Would go to bottom of Atlantic Ocean and live there in constant pressure if not for eminent fatality and lack of gills. Have fired three employees to pass time. Upset over this. Normally have fired many more by now. Will make up for it.

Current Time: 3:04am

Is now morning. Should change date to next date, but is still dark so will leave as is. Have fired a new record quota. Half of staff now gone. Will most likely rehire several for fear of being understaffed. Would not like to be understaffed. Means more work. Have enough work, like damn essay. Should begin essay. Must get past thesis. Have written four points which will be added to essay. Should skip tomorrow but damn teacher will not accept after tomorrow and will not accept bribes. Have offered money and cars. Resorted to women and finally men. Was offered detention. Both declined. Tomorrow will send letter offering children of either gender. Back-up letter will have threats. Many threats. Must prepare threats. Could do essay, but threats more fun.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Days left to find Mokuba present: 6

Days left in therapy: 274

Current Time: 6:35am

Am now awake and have not completed essay. Not good. Meansmust threaten or skip. Should not skip. Is wrong to skip. Will most likely fake sick. But faking sick would mean risking perfect reputation. Like perfect reputation. One more thing to shove in people's face. But will ruin perfect reputation indefinitely if arrival to school is essay-less. Difficult to decide. Must now brush teeth.

Current Time: 9:47am

Have taken care of essay problem. Have written various jumbles of words and printed. Then taunted mutt. Let mutt rip up essay. Mutt is now burdened with a week long detention and idiot teacher has consented to extra day. Am now quite happy. Should thank mutt, but have common sense. It is beneath me, so puppy gets no thanks. Gets one day free of insults provided he does not act stupid.

Quite sure 'day' will be several minutes long.

Current Time: 11:02am

Am quite happy. Mutt acted stupid. Free to insult mutt for tripping over own feet and falling face first into random, quiet girl's chest. Is quite amusing to see how loud random, quiet girl can yell. And how well she can fight. Mutt now quite bruised and suspended all day tomorrow. Will have relaxing day provided idiot, collar-wearing midget does not attempt to befriendself once more. Will not understandamnot friendly person. Continues to try and befriend me. Did so earlier. Amusing, pointless conversation led to mutt's rash act and consequential susension:

Midget(M): Hello, Kaiba.

Me: Go away.

Dog(D): Durr, Iis dumb and stupid and idiot-like. You not talk to my pally like that.

Me: Be quiet, mutt.

D: Durr, Iis not a dog! You is a dog!

Me: You're stupid.

D: IIS NOT STUPID, KAIBA! GRR!

Me: Here's some homework. Why don't you occupy what little brain cells you have left by tearing it up for me?

D: YOU IS GOING TO PAY! GRR! /tears up essay/ A-HA! Take that, moneybags!

Me: You're stupid. Get a new insult. At least I use synonyms.

D: GRR!

Am bored of writing down what is quite obviously an inaccurate recap of conversation. Midget spoke more. Dog growled more. Am much more witty than what is written. Came up with very good insults on spot. Have increased spontaneous wittiness dramatically. Have also perfected 'You're a stupid dog' sneer. Spent long hours in front of mirror perfecting it. Is my gift to mutt. Am truly hoping it will dampen his day each time is used. Am quite sick of hearing ridiculously loud laughter coming from gaping, giant hole in middle of dog's face that will not close. Am much more content with having dog fume in silence while trying to think up some comeback.

Am quite annoyed with self. Wrote far too much pertaining to dog.

Current Time: 1:16pm

Have suffered terrible tragedy during French class. Must do oral presentation with mutt. Wrong on so many levels. So many levels. Am far too sexually creative for own good. Will lead self into trouble if not careful. But oh so many good fantasies.

Note to self: Must remember to forget I was ever sober when writing above sentence.

Am now forced to listen to dog's incessant grumbling about pairing and futile attempts to come up with good suggestions. Is quite pathetic. Can barely finish sentences before even he realises he is talking gibberish. Is quite often trying to see what I am typing. Have told him is KaibaCorp related, but he seems to be suspicious. Am surprised he is capable of that. Have diverted him somewhat by giving dog orange. Once again suspicious, but bottomless pit of stomach got better of him. Would have been amusing to have given him poisoned orange, but feel it would have been too obvious.

Current Time: 1:20pm

Is considerably more frustrating working with blonde idiot than first imagined. Should have put up more of a fuss when teacher announced pairing. Suspect have already done as much as possible without suspension, as am lucky to have been able to jump out of seat, (accidentally) flipping over desk, yelling, "Working with that dog will lower my IQ into negative numbers!" and have gotten off scot-free. Still, point remains. Dog will not stop chewing eraser he found on desk. My desk. Found hand reaching over on my side of desk, but decided not to comment on it, opting to continue working on French assignment. Began to hear loud, slobbering sounds. Havefound dog with eraser half in mouth, sucking and chewing on it noisily, despite all the pencil lead remains still on ends. Is distracting, but provides adequate procrastination excuse. Simply cannot work with that much noise.

Have begun to take interest in watching (inconspicuously) dog chew on eraser. Have noted great resemblance to small, yellow terrier or other tiny dog chewing on rubber bone. Seems to have way of removing teeth from eraser with loud pop noise. Surprisingly good control over saliva. Not one drop has drizzled out of mouth. Dog has strange mouth. Can be quite small when closed, but ridiculously large when open. Appreciate mouth far more when is closed. Has far more uses than when is open. Creates silence, peace... about all am able to think of now before going into direction more preferably avoided.

Am quite shocked about direction.

Am now horrified.

Have yanked eraser out of mouth for fear more thoughts will come from Wheeler's constant chewing on it. Suddenly enlightened as to why no salvia escaped dog's mouth. Was all absorbed by eraser. Is quite good substitute for sponge. Have proceeded to drop eraser back onto Wheeler's desk. Has splashed. Am now quite sick.

Current Time: 1:38pm

Am even more horrified at the things that slip out of Wheeler's mouth.

Dog: Hmm... I have to go...

Me: Mmm... Go where? (Damn my curiosity!)

Dog: None of your business.

Me: Then don't bring it up.

Dog: I'll bring up whatever I want to bring up.

Me: Then tell me where you have to go.

Dog: Why would you care?

Me: I'm bored.

Dog: ... If you must know, I have to pee.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... Oh.

Dog: Yup. So, I'm going to get going.

Me: ... Right... Have fun, I guess.

Dog: Always do!

Needless to say, Wheeler is far more than lucky that am only one who heard that. On the other hand, he may not be. Is perfect thing to file away in memory and to bring up again at most inappropriate time. He makes it too easy.

Current Time: 2:15pm

Simply furious at this moment. Absolutely seething. Despise that bloody midget and his idiot cheerleader with a new, heated passion. They told on me! Have not had that happen since... ever. Geeks should know by now not to tell on me. Bad things happen. Am even more furious that teacher has punished me by forcing me to hand in essay. Obviously do not have essay, as tricked dog into eating my homework. (Am quite pleased to see that am still quite witty with puns even during periods of unmerciful rage.) Have now received zero. Will kill soon. Will murder teacher. Murder. I will have blood! Multitudes of blood! At least now will have something to talk to with psychiatrist other than Duel Monsters. Have begun to suspect that he is on the edge of insanity himself and will be pushed over should I continue with Duel Monsters discussions.

Note to self: Create pointless discussions about the difference between Trap Hole and Fissure. Must get new psychiatrist. Preferably a hot, young thing with no apparent knowledge of what a shirt is...

Current Time: 7:08pm

Am quite proud of self at moment. Have not succeeded in driving psychiatrist over edge, but am quite close. Received vicious snarl to switch the topic to something other than Duel Monsters. Began lengthy discussion on midget's hair. Psychiatrist has developed eye-twitch.

Feel slightly better.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Days left to get Mokuba that bloody Christmas gift: 5

Days left in therapy: 273

Days left with psychiatrist: To be generous, 3.

Current Time: 8:20am

Am unsure of what to think at moment. Have received most frightful shock. Am forced to reconsider everything ever previously thought of dog, including insulting nickname. Have been approached by mutt. Have had papers drenched in horrible scribbles shoved in face. After quite some time, have finally deciphered scribbles were letters, then words, then French words. Was ashamed to find self gawking at eerily well-written and accurate dialogue with jaw reaching ground. Shame carried further by sudden recognition of shock on face by dog. Am now forced to sit through class listening to him pester me about the facial expression that donned my face for less than three seconds.

Have decided to let him have his small victory. Have thousands more to shoot it down with should he truly get on nerves.

Current Time: 12:55pm

Have just finished lunch. Was satisfied. Am not satisfied with just being satisfied. Lunch should not be satisfactory. Lunch should be spectacular, mouth-watering, something to make gourmet chefs quiver in their little hats. What is personal cookpaid for?

Note to self: Fire upon arrival at home.

Am quite amused as well. Midget boy tried to be friends with self again. Was challenged quite abruptly to a 'friendly' duel. Was reluctant to do so. Had a large amount of work to do. Politely declined, only to have hour long 'taunt' fest from - who else? - the dog. Duelled just to shut him up. Failed miserably. Wanted to finish as quickly as possible, so game was thrown. Dog missed that bit, but still managed another long ramble about how inferiorself was to Yugi. Challenged the dog to a duel right after he finished. Mutt suddenly forgot to bring his deck. Decided to bite my tongue and not mention the distinctive outline of a Duel Monsters deck showing through his pant pocket.

Am now quite disgusted with myself once more. What made me look at dog's pants? Must stop writing momentarily and think about something else. Preferably ways to gouge out eyes.

Current Time: 1:23pm

Have reached point of pure frustration. Over past two days, have found self becoming strangely intrigued by the mongrel. Dog is interesting to study. Nasty thief, however. Placed shiny, new eraser in centre of desk. Had barely let go of it before was in mutt's mouth. Have now decided what ideal present for Wheeler is.

Wheeler's sudden eraser fetish has given me a brilliant idea. Sudden urge to test the limits and preferences of fetish have come over me. Am looking quite forward to it.

Current Time: 1:42pm

Have just been offered back the remains of my eraser. Am now quite sick again.

Current Time: 7:22pm

Have tried new tactic to push psychiatrist over edge. Am now inadvertently clingy. Have made up several interesting phobias, and have let psychiatrist diagnose self with new phobia - LackaMonstaphobia. Am quite pleased with name, since self's suggestion. Felt as though if out of time to get rid of psychiatrist, psychiatrist can get rid of self. Unlikely anyone will accept the arrival of a 'Fear of Being Away From Duel Monsters' phobia with open arms. Will result in termination. Am quite pleased with devious self. Who knewself was so devious?

Have completely humoured psychiatrist with phobia diagnostic. Cannot stop blathering about the terror of being separated from precious pieces of card. Am unsure if is wise decision. Feels like psychiatrist stepped back away from edge. Ah, well. Like mentioned before, if psychiatrist is not destroyed by self directly, psychiatrist will be destroyed by self indirectly.

Note to self: Be at presentation of phobia.

Current Time: 3:10am

Am aware of date, but does not concern self at moment. Have had most alarming dream. Absolutely terrifying. Woke up in cold sweat and shivering, though not quite clear from what. Am unwilling to discuss any further. Just know that that dog was in it.

Note to self: See psychiatrist first thing after school.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Days left to actually go to the store and look: 4

Days left in therapy: 272

Days left with psychiatrist: After dream, have decided to extend time period to 8.

Current Time: 7:35am

Am quite tired. Was up all last not trying not to think about dream. Evil, horrid, vivid, graphic dream... Made me sweaty all over. Wait... Nevermind! Must no longer think about dream! Bad dream. Bad, bad, bad, bad dream. Will be forever buried in a deep, dark crevice of my mind that will then be lobotomised the day it can be perfected. Until then, must find way to face Wheeler.

Current Time: 8:34am

Faced Wheeler. Called Wheeler a pathetic excuse for a duellist. Walked away as dog began yelling so loud his voice cracked. Told him to hit puberty and left it at that. Am quite pleased. Dog's anger means dream stays dream. ... I mean, what dream?

Current Time: 11:45am

Have tasted lunch. Is better than yesterday. Cook stayed because Mokuba began crying. Cook lost a lot of money off of paycheck, however. Am quite pleased my tastebuds were avenged. Am also quite pleased she has seasoned chicken so nicely.

Current Time: 11:52am

Am now quite scared. ... What did cook season the chicken with?

Note to self: Fire cook before Mokuba returns home.

Current Time: 10:47am

Wheeler has not begun to fight with me during Science. Is strange, but so long as actions do not interfere with experiment, is not my concern.

Current Time: 1:18pm

Have lined up three different erasers on my desk; A standard pink eraser, Wheeler's usual white eraser, and a pink cat eraser. Am quite eager to see which he chooses. Have terrible difficulty in keeping observations of dog's reactions inconspicuous. Is amusing for some odd reason. French class now has something to offer other than glaring at Wheeler while dog reads textbooks and chews my erasers.

Current Time: 1:21pm

Dog has picked up pink cat eraser. Pink cat closest to dog, which means dog simply dives for the first eraser he can get his hands on. Now has eraser in mouth. Now has a very strange expression on his face. Wheeler has removed the eraser from mouth and is now staring at it. Am finding it even harder than before to not only sneak glances but keep a straight face. Dog actually has preferred flavours of rubber. Has placed eraser back in original place and has selected the white eraser. Is now sloppily chowing down.

Have now specifically decided to give Wheeler white erasers for Christmas present. Formerly thought of collar or leash, but dog seems to enjoy erasers, as dog goes through one each day.

Current Time: 9:26pm

AM ABSOLUTELY READY TO EXPLODE! MUST KILL WITH A VENGEANCE! I HAD THE ABSOLUTE WORST SESSION WITH THAT DAMN PSYCHIATRIST YET:

Idiot Psychiatrist(P): Well, Mr. Kaiba... that was an unusual dream you had.

Me: I know. And it doesn't even make any sense.

P: Well, let's see if we can try and find an answer to this problem, shall we?

Me: Whatever.

P: Right then. How is your demeanour towards this...

Me: Dog.

P: Right. That settles that. How are you towards his friends?

Me: The same as I am to him.

P: Truthfully? You don't squabble with this one just a little more than the rest?

Me: ... I may put him down a bit more harshly...

P: A-a-a-ah...

Me: 'A-a-a-ah...'? What do you mean, 'a-a-a-ah...'?

P: Set-

Me: That's Mr. Kaiba to you.

P: ... Mr. Kaiba, has he ever appeared in any other dreams of yours?

Me: Not that I recall.

P: Alright. Have you... found yourself consciously or spontaneously glancing at him?

Me: Possibly.

P: What do you suppose is the strongest feeling you receive when you're around him?

Me: A sudden urge to kill him or myself.

P: Hmmm... I see...

Me: 'See'? What do you see?

P: It's quite obvious.

Me: Not to me, it isn't.

P: Well... it seems to me... that you lash out... because you care.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ... Excuse me?

P: Think about it; You push him the hardest, you give him the most attention, you find yourself looking his direction every so often, and I highly doubt you ever feeling a uniquely, powerful emotion - although morbid - around anyone else.

Me: I'm feeling one right now.

P: Yes, well, to put it quite simply... I do believe you have a sort of... immature affection for this boy.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ...

P: And by immature, I simply mean undeveloped. But, yes, that's my conclusion.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

P: When you reflect upon your past life, Mr. Kaiba, you've never actually had any crushes on girls when you were younger, have you?

Me: That's because I was submerged by work!

P: Or was it because you simply didn't find any of them attractive?

Me: ... Are you calling... me... GAY?

P: Ah... perhaps homosexual is too strong a term for it, and far too definite. As of right now, we could simply call you bise- Where are you going?

Me: To find my hitman!

Am utterly horrified beyond believe, not to mention filled with an unmerciful loathing for that idiot psychiatrist and a kind of quiet loathing for Wheeler. ... Why a quiet loathing? That's far too... affectionate! Alright then. Am filled with an impossibly large desire to smash Joey in the face until he bleeds every last drop of blood in his body, but in order to preserve myinnocence, shall remain quiet and do it in a dark al- DID I JUST CALL HIM JOEY?.!

Note to self: Find drill to remove images.

Second note to self: Find hitman for psychiatrist.

OooOOOooO

OOOOO

OOOOO

D/N: Hmm... I think I actually might continue this... provided people actually like it, of course. But first, I should get to work on Valentine's Day and Of Dogs and Men. O.D.a.M comes first! (V.D comes second!)