Chapter 1
Mrs. Norris was in no way ready for another school year.
Truth be told she never cared to see another student for as long as she lived. She would have thought that through all of the things she had to suffer through during her career, that surely last year's petrification would have been the last straw.
But noooo, Argus thought they still had a few good years left in them.
Bollocks if you ask her. He simply enjoyed having a reason to admire Minerva from afar.
Not that Mrs. Norris gave a rat's arse. Things between her and Argus had always been strictly platonic. But they went together like kippers and butter, no more such perfect pairing. And together as a team they maintained order throughout Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Sure, they had some bumps in the road when the little mongrels were unleashed upon the castle every fall, namely of the Weasley and Potter variety. But a giant fucking snake? Mrs. Norris had always hated reptiles… now she didn't have a word for how she felt. She shivered as she entered the cattery through a tiny porthole in the wall.
The Hogwarts cattery was typically a fairly peaceful place. It had been here that Mrs. Norris reigned supreme for almost two decades. Many a cat had come and gone from this sacred sanctum, yet Mrs. Norris remained its one constant through the years.
And so, it was naturally her duty to rally the newcomers every year and lay down the law. She would not have her temple disrupted by those who didn't know how to conduct themselves with dignity. Those who failed to meet Mrs. Norris' standards would find themselves with a one-way ticket back on the Hogwarts Express. She was past the point in her career of playing games with the other cats; she and Minerva had long ago come to an agreement that if order could not be maintained, dissidents would be removed.
As she entered the cattery, Mrs. Norris took in old and new faces. Theodosia Bulstrode had returned that year, she noted quite happily. She was a classy gal and contributed well to the atmosphere. Plus, her human was generous with the cat nip toys, and Theodosia generous by extension. They could be quite the fun little surprise every now and then. Leopawl Trelawny had taken up a post with a few of the older student's cats, welcoming them back with playful paws.
But before she could take in much more, something heavy barreled into her from behind.
She mewled in fury as her arthritic bones creaked at the impact.
"Watch where you're going" she hissed rolling to her feet and turning to whatever, it was that barreled into her.
And she did mean whatever it was.
Because whatever was standing in front of her was not a cat.
It looked like a cat.
Pointy ears, four feet, fluffy tail.
But it was not a fucking cat.
For one, it was fucking huge, a fact she would have thought was exaggerated by the beast's fuzzy orange hair had she not felt the density smack like a train her just moments ago. But second, and most alarmingly, was the beast's smushed face and red eyes.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?" she demanded, noting the apprehensive looks the…thing… was receiving from the other cats in the room, all having been disturbed by the ruckus.
The creature panted, paws spread gripping the ground, as if it had just crash landed on this Earth.
"Crookshanks," it breathed out, chest moving erratically. "I am called Crookshanks, and who do I see about a rat?"
Mrs. Norris blinked. "A rat?"
"Yes, a rat- well not a rat- at least I don't think. It's very complicated. It's a rat but it's not a rat," the being replied.
"You mean like you're not a cat?" she asked cautiously.
Crookshanks brow furrowed. "I am a cat, I'm just half Kneazle is all," he said defensively.
"Or you're a Kneazle whose half cat" chimed another voice from the background. Clearly, somebody had gotten into the nip a wee bit early.
Mrs. Norris shook her head; she didn't have time for this. "Okay… whatever you are, are you supposed to be here?"
"Is this the cattery? This is way better than the menagerie if so," Crookshanks said as he prowled into the room taking in the space. It was quite a nice space, full of plush pillows and a variety of toys and equipment. Cat trees dotted the room giving access to an expansive cat highway that worked its way up to and across the ceiling.
She and Minerva had been working on it for years. Well, Minerva worked, but she supervised naturally.
It was their Sistine Chapel.
Mrs. Norris cringed at the possibility of Crookshanks staying and desecrating all that she had built. Disrupting her peace. After last year all she wanted to do was hide in the cattery until patrols with Argus, after that she would return to the cattery or to Argus' room. And she would repeat the cycle night after night until either the students left, or Argus got the message.
She. Wanted. To. Retire.
But before she could retire, she had to deal with the disaster at hand.
"Yes," she huffed. "Clearly this is a cattery, thank you for joining us. I was just about to begin speaking. My name is Mrs. Norris." She increased her volume at the last sentence as she began to address the entirety of the room.
"I have been a resident of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the last seventeen years, operating as caretaker along with my human Mr. Filch. Together, we have been tasked with maintaining order around the castle, a task we take with the utmost seriousness. As such, it is my honor and duty to extend a welcome to our newcomers, and a welcome back to our returning faces. This cattery was built and is maintained every year for our enjoyment.
"That being said," she continued, narrowing her eyes to look around the room. "Use of the cattery is a privilege, one that will be removed if one finds themselves unable to conduct themselves with decency. That includes repeat physical altercations, destruction of property, and above all else: marking of the common space.
"Repeat violators of these rules will find themselves barred from the cattery. If you find that that is not enough to deter you, I can assure you, I have gotten more than one cat sent home for their behavior," she finished on a low growl.
"Excuse me- Miss!" it was Crookshanks, of course. "If I'm not supposed to go here, where am I supposed to, you know? Handle my business."
Mrs. Norris was, frankly, disgusted at the moment. She had given this speech countless times before this but at no point had she been forced to do it with one who lacked the social graces and common sense that seemed so natural in her species.
She sighed, "Your human should maintain a litterbox for you somewhere in your dormitory, but if you find yourself on the grounds feel free to relieve yourself at your discretion. As for in the cattery," she approached a second, larger porthole and sat next to it. "We have the Great Sand. Open to all and cleaned thrice daily by the house elves. I must ask that you leave them alone as they attend to this. Now, are there any further questions?"
"Yes, who do I see about that rat?"
