Entry 10:

Life still sucks, and I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it will forever be this terrible. I can't believe Sean left me with nothing to go on when he left to live with "mommy" and "daddy". Everyday I put on a fake plastic smile and I make people believe that I'm content and convince them that I'm not going to detonate in the next five seconds.

For you see, rent owns me, my life is a never-ending nightmare, and the only happiness I seem to find is within my ferret, Bueller. But Bueller left for a "better place"; unlike me who is trapped in hell for all eternity. I remember that day like it was yesterday and how my heart crumbled into tiny bits of blackness. I felt the same way I felt when Sean left.

To make the worst day ever even more badly, I had my weekly dinner with mom. She sang the same song and danced the same dance, of "I'm sober" allegro and "I haven't taken a drink since rehab" tango. It came to the point where I was ready to slit my wrist with my butter knife; that initiative didn't workout too well…

I finally pried the rent money out of mom, but I told her off and said I didn't want anymore of her money and I wanted her out of my life. Which is probably the dumbest thing I had ever done.

I showed up at school the next day, trying to find love from Marco. Marco was very concerned, considering my previous way of life. He then introduced me to a new art form; gambling. His boyfriend Dylan and his hockey team get together once a week to play euchre. I wasn't too sure about it, so I took a pass on it. Later on that day, I played a small game of euchre with Jimmy, Craig, Alex, and Marco. It was that very moment that Alex and I went from completely hating each other to just hating each other. We then teamed up for the game of euchre with the hockey boys.

That night was the most nerve-racking night of my life. Alex and I were doing well and winning most of the money, which I hoped was good bearing in mind I know as much about euchre as I do about cars. When then took a quick break to regroup our strategy.

I then thought that Alex should move in. When I proposed this idea, Alex immediately declined. I tried and tried to get her to, saying that she wouldn't have to pay any rent and that mom wouldn't know that she was staying with me. She went off into this spiel of not having to help her mom bandage up her lip after a great night with the boyfriend. She then brought to my attention that my mom wasn't a monster and that I have this preconceived idea that she's a bad person.

When we were back at the table, Alex decided to go on her own. What! This was MY rent money on the line! She couldn't do this! I tried so hard to get her to change her mind, but she wouldn't. We were two points away. But at that very moment, they weren't just point; they were my home and my existence.

It turned out that Alex is a very astonishing person. Not only did she win the game, but she made me realize that everyone deserves a second chance. When everyone left, I dialed mom's number and told her to come over immediately because of an emergency.

She arrived very jumpy and tired, considering the time. She was livid that I called so late and that there was no emergency. But that fury turned to ease when she found out that I had written my two months notice. I realized that I couldn't do this on my own. I wasn't as ballsy or as self-sufficient as I thought I was. I needed someone and that someone needed me.