Entry 13:

During group therapy today, the leader decided to ask all of us to name three things that we like and dislike about ourselves and lives.

My List:

Good things-

1.

2.

3.

Bad Things-

1. I'm a loser

2. No guy has ever loved me

3. My life sucks

Great list, eh? You know how sometimes there's that one person who has lied to you before, but then promises you things would change, and then breaks their promise? Well, I most certainly do. Mom, decides things are just too stressful and pulls out a cheap bottle of vodka.

I know exactly why she's so stressed. My four aunts, five younger cousins, and my grandpa have decided to live with us. To make matters worse, dad hasn't called us in four months. I'm scared, but I can't admit. I'm supposed to be the strong one in the family. I can't turn into mom or Sean. There is one quality in people that I despise the most: when they runaway from their problems. I know a lot of people who do this, and I can't and I won't ever forgive them for this. So here I go again, bottling up my emotions, hoping things will get better.

I try to steer myself away from cutting again, but somehow that seems like the best thing to do. I've did it again twice this week. I need everything bad to end. I can't handle this anymore. I need to rejuvenate my life and start over, but I can't. I can't stop cutting, I can't forgive mom, Sean, or Ashley, and I can't stop loving Craig.

Everyday I see him in the halls with Manny, and I just want to die. It seems a little over-dramatic, but that's how I feel. I love him that much. For once can he notice me? Can he see me for more than a cutter? Or more than a friend? Nobody has ever known the real me. I haven't even known the real me! I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

For once in my life, can somebody love me? Is that too much to ask?

Entry 14:

You know how sometimes you can't control your emotions? I know for a fact how that feels.

Craig came over to my place to bring me a new song for the band. I looked at it and then threw it at him. The song was about him and Manny. "What the hell!" he screamed at me. "Craig, are you that much of an idiot!" I screamed back, trying to hold back tears, but I couldn't. "Are you blind! I love you! I have since we first started hanging out in the summer! But I can't change the fact that you love Manny and only Manny! You led me on; you made me believe I had a chance!"

"Ellie, I'm scared! I'm scared of falling for you, because I'm afraid of true love! I love you, too!" Craig shouted back at me. I turned away, but Craig grabbed my arm forcefully, and pulled me into a passionate kiss. This kiss wasn't even like the ones you saw in movies. It was everything you could want in a kiss and more. I swear, fireworks were going off. We crashed onto the couch and continued on with this amazing kiss.

I guess things got carried away, for the best and the worst. Psycho mom entered the room during this love fest. "Ellie!" I looked up with fear stricken eyes. I stood up quickly and I felt shaky. "You little slut! What the hell are you doing with this pig!" "Don't call him that! We love each other!"

She shoved me onto the couch and screamed, "Why would he love you! There's nothing special about you!" My eyes became glassy and wet with tears. "Why would dad love a drunken woman!" She slapped me violently.

"Don't you ever talk to me like that! You show me respect!" How could I show respect towards this monster? "Respect!" I yelled back. She grabbed me by the shoulders and pinned me up against the wall, and slapped me again. I slipped down to the ground and pulled my knees into my chest and sobbed. She walked away heatedly.

I sprinted up to my room and slammed the door. Everything was back to normal. Mom was drunk and we were fighting, again. Everything that was great floated away. I doubted Craig would ever talk to me or ever think about getting together.

But in the midst of all that discouragement, one ray of sunshine shone through my bedroom window. This ray of sunshine also tracked mud on carpet and crawled into my bed and held me. This ray was who I knew as Craig Manning. He whispered, you are special into my ear, and I started to close my eyes.