Entry:

Past, is a four letter word. No matter how far you leave it behind, it always catches up to you. The past is the portion of the timeline that has already occurred; it is the opposite of the future. It is also contrasted with the present. James William may be my hero right about now. "If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system", he stated. They say regrets are a waste of time; it's the past killing you in the present. The past has some perks, though. For example, in the past, the pace of life seemed slower. But then again, the past sucks.

My past is a dark place. My present isn't getting any better. My future doesn't look any brighter. Past failures are supposedly the building blocks to a successful future. I find that very hard to believe. Considering my past failures, they have only made present and possibly my future extremely miserable. It's almost like a game you play with the past. As soon as you think you have abandoned it at the starting line and your ten centimeters away from the finish line, the past has been at the finish line forever.

So Friday started out like any other day. I emphasize started out. In the morning I bought my daily fix of cigarettes and heroin and walked along the streets. You'd think with the money I was earning, I would've bought my own place by now. The crazy thing is, I can't seem to leave the alley way. I guess this whole low-life lifestyle really is working for me. I dread to admit, but I am tramp. I made fun of people who are what I am now. The old me seems to have faded away.

Around five o'clock I headed to my corner. I waited about an hour before someone pulled up. He seemed to be staring at my scars in my arms. I crossed my arms and pretended I hadn't noticed he was staring. He seemed strangely familiar to me. He wasn't a previous client (whoa, that sounded business woman-y). We drove off to a nearby hotel.

Once I was done, he gave the money. Holy Shit, I thought. "You know, you can have your check back. I'm giving out….uh….free sex. So, yeah."

"Excuse me?" he questioned.

"It's something personal." He just gave me a blank look. "I know you, but you may not know me."

"Wait-". It was too late. I was out the door and running.

Business was slow the day after, so I headed into the bar for a couple of drinks. I didn't head for the bathroom or talk to anyone. About twenty minutes later, the waiter came over with a drink. It was from the guy last night. I glanced slightly over my shoulder to see his expression. I accepted the drink, but chugged it. I inhaled some of my cigarette and blew some of the smoke towards his way. He seemed to be deep in thought. I turned back around and waited a few minutes. He seemed about a foot away and that's when I got up to leave. I have to admit I did feel kind of bad, but I got over it,

Now yesterday is when all hell broke loose. He showed up at my corner again. I got in, not knowing who it was. "Ellie-"

"Are we going to have sex or what?"

"We need to talk."

"Craig, you have no idea of what's going on."

"I don't. The last time I saw you, you were crying, and-"

"Well, I've done all out of that now haven't I!" That was the last thing I said to him as I got out of the car.

He drove, but then another car came up. I obviously got in, but maybe I shouldn't have.

That night I ended up in county jail for solicitation. I had no money for my bail. The only option I had was to call Craig. I reached for the receiver and dialed his house. I told him my situation and he came down and got me. He drove me back to his house for the night.

The next morning, I awoke before him. I missed him so much. Here I was in his house. Craig had just bailed me out of jail. So much was happening, so I just did everything I could to make things awful. I stole his iPod and his wallet. I heard someone walking towards me and I darted for the door and ran. I ran for what seemed forever.

I grabbed a taxi, and was driven to what seem like the only place to go.

"Ellie?"

"Sean!"

That's right. I went to Sean's place. He listened to my life chronicle and he let me stay for as long as I wanted.

Two days passed. I was happy being with Sean. Wait, stop, rewind. I was happy. But then again, I'm talking in past tense. It was about midday when the doorbell rang. Once I answered the door, I slammed it closed. I repeated this about two more times.

"Ellie?"

Fuck, I thought.

"Ellie, please let me in!"

He was banging on the door now. I was in a panic, so I grabbed my bag and climbed out the window. I ran down the street until I found a desolate area. As soon as I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. It rained like nobody's business. I lit a cigarette and felt the smolder blacken my lungs. I exhaled the smoke and slid to the ground.

I thought I had left Craig, but he only found me. But I ran away, again. It seems to be one of my strongest abilities now. When the going gets rough, I run.

I reached for a shard of glass on the ground. I dug it into my skin. The smell of blood was in the air. The red liquid dripped to the ground, droplet, by droplet. This shade used to be soothing, but now it's frightening. But it's the only way I could deal. Pain was a only temporary, but fear was a way of life.

Fear also happens to be a four letter word. The most destructive element in the human mind is fear. Fear creates aggressiveness. But what is fear? Fear is a punk rock band from Los Angeles, California that formed in 1977. It is also the withholding of love from self and usually another; the motivating force that drives much of what occurs in the collective consciousness; the energy behind the 6 Ego functions: judgment, criticism, protection, defense, control, and manipulation. I like this definition better.