Cool news! AngelicDemnX is working on a comic for this fanfic! It will be posted on her deviant art page; the link is in my profile.

WHAT'S WITH TWO FIANCÉES?

THE NEXT MORNING

Makoto tiptoed down the dark hallway, careful not to wake anyone. It was about five thirty in the morning. But despite the fact that she was dog tired and had been interrogated on every excruciating detail of her trip to China only a few hours earlier, Makoto couldn't sleep. Maybe it was the fact that Yuri had bunked in her room with her. It just didn't seem safe to sleep.

Ryoga, Yuri and Iikiba had all stayed the night on Mascara's insisting. For some reason she didn't want to have Iikiba or Jatsuma go to far from her. Makoto could only guess that Mascara wanted them to fight over her, or kill each other.

She crept down the stairs, being careful not to make any noise that would wake Mascara, who was sleeping on a futon set up in the living room. Perhaps a snack would help her sleep.

The hall was dark and deserted, but as Makoto neared the kitchen she realized the light was on inside. "Hello? Is someone in here?" She asked as she opened the door a crack and peeked inside.

"Yes?" Mascara turned to look back at Makoto. She was standing at the stove, stirring a large pot.

"Oh. It's you." Makoto said sourly and entered the kitchen. "What are you doing up?"

"Making breakfast for Jatsuma and Iikiba." She said happily.

Makoto felt a stab of annoyance. "Okay, two things." She said, holding up two fingers. "First. I'm the one who makes breakfast for Iikiba. Second. I don't know how things work in your little Amazon society. But here in Japan you're only allowed to have one husband."

Mascara continued to stir the pot. "I know that. This situation is rare, but it will soon be remedied." She held up a spoonful and sniffed it. Her face turned a pale shade of green and she clamped her other hand over her mouth.

"You're going to poison them?" Makoto asked, looking over her shoulder. The pot was filled with a grayish purple glop that was too solid to be soup but too watery to be pudding.

"Of course not!"

"Then your cooking is worse than my Mom's."

"It is supposed to look like that!" Mascara yelled. "It is part of the ritual!"

"Ritual?"

"Yes, the ritual to decide who I will marry. Soap's ritual."

"There's soap in that slop?"

"It is the name of an ancient Amazon! She was said to be the first Amazon defeated by two different men, and this ritual was created to decide who was most worthy of her." Mascara turned back to her concoction.

"Whatever." Makoto turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Uh…back to bed."

"There is no need for that." Mascara picked up a small gong off the counter and banged it. The CONG was strangely loud and shook the house. Makoto slapped her hands over her ears.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" Makoto yelled more loudly that she meant to due to the loud ringing in her ears. She couldn't even hear all the pounding, shouts and curses of people upstairs falling out of bed.

"The ritual has begun!" Mascara exclaimed. "Please go fetch Jatsuma and Iikiba for me."

Makoto glared at her and shook with anger. "Get them yourself! You know, you've got some nerve! You try to steal my boyfriend and come into my house and…and ARRH!"

"I am adhering to the laws of my ancient tribe! You are just mad that Iikiba prefers me over you." Mascara said smugly.

"Stop saying that! He does not!"

"Does too."

"WHAT'S WITH ALL THE NOISE?" Daichi slammed open the door to the kitchen. "Do you have any idea what time it is? Five thirty in the morning on a Sunday!"

"Tell her that!" Makoto pointed at Mascara.

"I am just trying to perform a ritual to decide who my husband will be!" Mascara protested after shooting a nasty glance at Makoto.

"Can't it wait?" He whined. "Trust me. I'm the morning person."

"What is going on out here?" Soun yelled as he stumbled out of his room. "Don't you kids realize it's a Sunday?"

"It's not like you do anything on the other days." Makoto mumbled.

Genma followed Soun down the stairs (Yes, he was FINALLY human). "I don't suppose you're getting up to train at the crack of dawn?" He sighed and smiled. "Oh that brings back memories. Waking little Ranma up at dawn to rummage through trashcans for food."

Soun stared at him. "Tell me again how Nodoka didn't sue you for custody."

"Where is everyone!" Iikiba's voice called from upstairs.

UPSTAIRS

"This is really bad! I can't tell where anything is!" Iikiba yelled as he stumbled down the dark hallway.

"Iikiba? Is that you?" Ryoga asked. "Follow the sound of my voice!"

"I'll try!"

There was silence for a moment.

"You're going to have to keep talking!" Iikiba called.

"Oh for heaven's sake." Makoto ran up the stairs.

"Iikiba!" Mascara ran up after Makoto and bumped into her at the top of the stairway. "Hey…where are you?" She looked around wildly.

"What's going on?" A voice said groggily.

"Jatsuma!" Mascara called with much more enthusiasm.

Suddenly everyone felt a chill go down their spine. "Why are we all walking around in the dark?" Yuri's voice asked.

The light flipped on and Ranma stood in his bedroom doorway wearing flannel pajamas and looking rather irritable. Everyone stood in random places throughout the hallway.

"What is all the ruckus about?" Ranma yelled. "I'm trying to get my beauty sleep! ...I mean…my….manly sleep."

Mascara clapped her hands together. "Great! Now that we are all awake the ritual can begin!" She grabbed Jatsuma and Iikiba and dragged them downstairs.

"Hold on!" Makoto ran after them.

"What? What's happening?" Akane yawned as she appeared in the doorway behind Ranma.

"Something strange I'm sure." Ranma sighed.

"This should be entertaining." Yuri followed them downstairs.

IN THE DINNING ROOM A FEW MINUTES LATER

Iikiba and Jatsuma looked horrified at the grayish purple slop Mascara had just placed in front of them. It bubbled slightly and let off a putrid sent.

"Oh…how…great." Jatsuma said slowly, reluctant to insult a pretty girl.

"It's purple!" Iikiba had no such restraint.

"It is supposed to look like that." Mascara explained. "This is part of Soap's ancient ritual. This sacred ceremony will decide which of you is more worthy of being my husband."

"So no pressure then?" Ryoga asked sarcastically.

"If all they have to do is eat that stuff then Jatsuma's got this wrapped up." Ranma muttered. "He's had years of practice eating garba-" Akane hit him in the back of the head.

"Oh this is just the first part." Mascara said. "They must eat the whole batch." She showed them what was left in the pot.

"All of that? No way! I forfeit!" Jatsuma pushed his steaming bowl away.

"HA! Can't take the competition? That means I win!" Iikiba said triumphantly.

"Wheeee." Jatsuma twirled his finger. "Good for you."

Iikiba glared at him. "Are you mocking me?"

"You can not quit!" Mascara said urgently. "I do not…I mean…it is against the rules!"

"Is it really?" Makoto asked skeptically.

"Yes! Now please eat!" Mascara pushed his bowl back towards him. "Please?" She added, batting her eyelashes.

"Ah…well okay!" Jatsuma decided.

"No way, you just forfeited!" Iikiba yelled.

"Would you be quiet?" Makoto growled.

"I changed my mind. Bring it on!" Jatsuma picked his bowl up, lifted the spoon and took the first bite.

"Hey! No fair!" Iikiba picked up his bowl and started to scarf it down. Jatsuma picked up the pace to keep up with him.

"Wow. Look at them go." Daichi said with mingled disgust and admiration.

"You two sure you didn't fall into the spring of drowned pig?" Ranma asked, appalled.

"Hey! I resent that!" Ryoga asserted.

Akane raised an eyebrow. "What do you resent Ryoga?"

"Ah! Oh nothing!" He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head. Ranma rolled his eyes.

Iikiba and Jatsuma quickly finished off their first bowels and placed them back on the table.

"Ugh, how was it?" Akane asked is concern.

"Not too bad, actually." Jatsuma said. "I expected it to be a lot worse."

"I can't feel my teeth." Iikiba moaned as he struggled to hold back tears.

Mascara poured out their second helpings, giving Iikiba a substantially larger portion than Jatsuma.

"Why do I have to have more than him?" Iikiba asked angrily.

"I have to distribute it according to body mass." Mascara answered.

"Body mass? Because I'm taller?"

"Because you're bigger." Yuri stated.

"And that ain't muscle." Jatsuma added.

"THAT'S IT!" Iikiba grabbed Jatsuma's bowel of slop and shoved it in his face. The glop splattered down Jatsuma's front and the floor.

"Do not waste it!" Mascara yelled. She grabbed a wash cloth and quickly began to whipe the purple stuff off Jatsuma's face.

When she had finished Jatsuma turned to Iikiba with a grin on his face and stuck his tongue out at him. Iikiba picked up his own bowel, ready to throw it.

"STOP!" Mascara pushed the bowel back to the table. Then she took the pot and added more slop on top of what Iikiba already had.

"Aw man!"

MANY BOWELS AND MUCH BICKERING LATER

"The first half of the ritual is complete!" Mascara announced happily.

The pot was empty and Iikiba and Jatsuma were both laying on the floor in a near coma. The sun had risen and was now lighting the room so everyone could clearly see the ghastly state they were in.

"No…more…purple…" Iikiba moaned.

"Hello Mr. Butterfly." Jatsuma said in a dazed voice, his eyes focused on the ceiling.

"How many grandfathers can say they've seen their grandson eat a heaping bowl of purple slop?" Genma asked. "I mean really? Not many. Pass the popcorn Tendo."

"Here you go." Soun handed over the microwaved bag.

"How do you two sleep at night?" Akane asked angrily. "Aren't you concerned? He's your grandson for God's sake!"

There was shuffling next to her and she glared at Ranma and Daichi, who were looking sheepish.

"What?" Ranma asked with his mouth full.

Akane sighed. "Jatsuma? Are you okay honey?"

"Of course Mr. President, I would love to be on the Supreme Court."

"He's gone." Daichi said.

"Jatsuma, are you okay?" Mascara picked his shoulders up and laid him against her lap tenderly.

"Hey! What about me?" Iikiba yelled angrily.

"You seem okay." Mascara said.

"He is totally faking!" Iikiba accused. "Hmph." He turned away and saw Makoto smiling at him. "Stop looking so smug!"

"Don't know what you're talking about." She said happily.

"Alright then! Fine!" He turned back to Jatsuma and Mascara. "Jatsuma! Quiet faking you retard!"

"Pillsbury Dough Boy? Is that you?" He reached forward and pinched Iikiba's cheek.

Iikiba swung around to punch him. But Jatsuma kicked his foot up first and sent Iikiba through the screen doors into the yard. "AHH!"

"What do you know! I'm cured!" Jatsuma stood up and got into a fighting stance, ready for Iikiba.

"Yeah, I'll bet you are!" Iikiba yelled sarcastically as he picked himself up off the ground.

"What can I say? I'm a fast-" Just then Jatsuma made a face like he had been punched in the stomach and he kneeled over clutching his stomach.

"No one's buying it anymore, Jatsuma." Makoto said.

"I'm not faking this time!" He yelled. "I feel sick!"

"The second half of the ritual has begun." Mascara clarified. "The two rivals must battle. But thanks to Soap's ceremonial meal, they will experience extreme cramps every time they attack their opponent."

"WHAT? WHY?" Jatsuma cried.

"Pass the popcorn back." Soun nudged Genma.

"The idea is to defeat your opponent in as few moves as possible." Mascara answered Jatsuma.

"That's just stupid." Makoto said. Mascara glared at her.

"Well then…Come on Iikiba! Attack me! I'm totally defenseless!" Jatsuma called.

"What kind of moron do you take me for? No way!"

"Then I guess you lose." Jatsuma shrugged. "I never knew you were so wimpy. Can't even take a few cramps."

"Don't mess with me!" Iikiba yelled.

"Then come on!" The pain was starting to subside, so Jatsuma walked out into the yard towards Iikiba.

"You have to attack! Just try to win in as few moves as possible!" Mascara called.

"Yeah! Come on!" Jatsuma flicked Iikiba's nose. Iikiba growled. "Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack. Attack." Jatsuma poked Iikiba on the head every time he said Attack.

"YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!" Iikiba punched him away. Then his body twitched like it had been shocked and he fell over in pain.

"Geez. How stupid do you have to be?" Jatsuma jumped back at him for an attack.

"Beware the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts secret attack! The ever annoying Woodpecker Poke!" Soun shouted into a microphone. Jatsuma glanced at him.

"You jerk!" Iikiba kicked Jatsuma away again while he was distracted by Soun's interjection. Then Iikiba wobbled to his feet, still clutching his stomach.

"That was a dirty hit!" Jatsuma protested.

"You're not beating me this time!" Iikiba yelled.

"Iikiba! You do realize that Mascara will make you marry her the minute you win?" Makoto reminded him.

Iikiba twitched badly. And it had nothing to do with the cramps. Right then? That soon?

"Hold up! What? You mean…today?" Jatsuma asked urgently.

"Of course." Mascara answered.

"See ya!" Jatsuma began to bound off.

"Stop!" Mascara called.

"You're not going anywhere!" Makoto grabbed the discarded pot that the purple slop had been in and threw it at Jatsuma's head.

Jatsuma was knocked out of the sky and landed in the backyard koi pond. Of course Iikiba was standing close enough to get splashed.

"Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!" Iikiba yipped in anger as he instantly changed to a body a tenth of his usual size. His little Chihuahua body was soaked with water and his long fur was matted against his legs.

"Is that supposed to be a bark or a squeak?" Jatsuma asked, annoyed. Iikiba growled and lunged forward.

"YOW! You stupid mutt!" Jatsuma swung his arm around franticly trying to shake Iikiba loose.

"I do not understand." Mascara said with concern. "The battle should be over by now."

"Guess the ancient Amazons never counted on those two." Daichi guessed. "This could take ages."

"Really?" Mascara asked, surprised. "Hmm, perhaps I should put more thought into this."

"More thought? What does that mean?" Makoto asked suspiciously.

Jatsuma stumbled by, fighting off Iikiba the Chihuahua. "Ouch! Hey! Stop it! You stupid-" Just then his face was hit to the dirt with a long wooden staff.

"Well well, you do seem to have a situation here." Cologne said with a hint of amusement in her voice as she sat atop her staff.

"Cologne! What are you doing here?" Akane asked as she ran out to them, followed by the others.

"I got a tip off that you were having some trouble with an Amazon girl." Cologne answered.

"Who told you-?"

"They were beginning to bore me." Yuri said, shrugging. "So I gave her a call."

"That's…" Ryoga paused. "That's actually not a bad idea."

Mascara ran forward. "Cologne? Head Chief of the Amazon Tribe? It is an honor to meet you!" She said all this very quickly. "You do not know me, I was born after you left, and my name is Mascara. Iikiba defeated me in China and I tried to marry him then but SHE stopped me!" Mascara pointed towards Makoto.

"You better believe I did!" Makoto snapped.

"But when I got here I was defeated again by him." Mascara pointed to Jatsuma, and emphasized the word 'him' in a dreamy voice. "But neither of them has won in Soap's ritual. So Perhaps I should give my decision more thought. What do you think?"

"Hmm…" Cologne sat in thought. She seemed to have no trouble taking all this in. "Yes, perhaps you should."

"What! No way! Jatsuma won that fight!" Makoto protested.

"Come back to the Cat Café with me and perhaps we can work something out." Cologne jumped from her staff and led the way.


Review please, all you wonderful people!