The Burn
Draco lay awake, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He had never felt so lonely before in all his life. He had never had a problem with loneliness. He had never had many friends but he had always been okay with that.
He thought about leaving and forgetting about graduation. He would be of age soon enough. He would be able to survive until then. But he couldn't get himself out of bed.
He laughed bitterly. Wouldn't all of Gryffindor tower love to see him now? In fact, anyone that had ever wanted to see him suffer should be standing by his bed right now just staring to their hearts content, because he was miserable.
There were tons of songs about this feeling, weren't there? He seemed to recall a general sentiment that if you sang it eased your heart ache, but he couldn't remember any of the words to any of the appropriate songs. He couldn't remember every single word to about fifty dance songs and sixty drinking songs, he even remembered one song about doing nothing at all, but he couldn't remember any songs about broken hearts.
He wanted to fall apart. He wanted to cry. Yes, Draco Malfoy wanted to lose control and cry himself to sleep, but he couldn't do it. Every muscle in his body was programmed to remain in strict control at all times. He couldn't help but take notice of the irony. He was so in control he couldn't make himself lose control.
He wondered how lonely people did it. Neville Longbottom was certainly lonely, but he always seemed to be just fine, and Luna Lovegood, I mean, she was just about as alone as you got. People stole her stuff, for Merlin's sake, and she was as content as ever in her own little bizarre world. Even Theodore Nott, that kid had no friends whatsoever and he never had a problem. How did they do it? How did lonely people make a life for themselves and still manage to shine?
He wondered if he would ever learn how to live in spite of the loneliness.
He made himself forget about Lucius. He had once relied upon the man for every thought in his head and he regretted it, hell did he regret it. He couldn't rely on anyone like that ever again. He had to think for himself. Unfortunately, that meant actually being an individual and individuals without friends feel lonely.
He made himself forget about Pansy. He had once relied upon the girl for every good thing he felt and he regretted it, hell did he regret it. He had never learned how to be satisfied with life as it was. He had never learned how to find his own entertainment. He had never learned how to make himself smile. He wondered if he would ever learn.
He tried to find a reason to learn. He tried to find a reason to change and to grow. His life was still in shatters and he wondered if he would ever be able to pick up the pieces.
He wondered how lonely people survived, much less lived.
