Bed of Lies

She turned around, eyes flashing. "I cannot sleep in a bed of lies!" she screamed. "You don't want me! You want me to cradle you! You want me to make it all okay! You don't want to face your fears! You don't want to deal with your pain! You just want me to make it go away!"

She took a step back toward him. "I CAN'T DO THAT!" Her eyes closed as she screamed.

"I'm so sick and tired of empty moments! I can't fake another hollow smile! Not when it's to someone who claims we're going to be honest and open with each other! I CANNOT WATCH YOU WASTE YOUR HEART BECAUSE YOU WON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE IT!" She had started to cry.

As she screamed, all the anger drained out of him. As he had yelled at her he had recognized his own lies. Now, as she yelled at him he was beginning to recognize truth.

"I don't want a life raft! I don't want to survive! I want to swim! I want to live! That's why I left Harry, because it was because it was! There wasn't a reason! I won't be used! I won't use you! Do you understand? I'm tired of surrendering to a life that I've given away!"

He took a step toward her. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how. He didn't know how because he knew it was his fault.

"We both have needs and they're just there! They're just a whisper away! We have to be ourselves before we can be part of someone else! You have to know yourself before you can help me! I have be myself before I can help you!"

She spun in a circle. "Don't you think I feel the darkness? Don't you think I feel it closing in?"

She stepped toward him close enough that he could read her eyes again in the failing light. Her voice dropped and there was such pain in it. "I tried! I tried to be more than I am and I can't. I'm all that I'll ever be when you look at me! When I felt your hands on mine…Don't go weak on my now." She was pleading with him. "Merlin knows, I need this…you…your support and understanding, in my life. I know it isn't much, not from a distance as it has been, but I cannot, will not sleep in a bed of lies."

He still didn't know what to say. He thought he understood now. She'd rather be silent and distant friends than rely on each other in such a way that would weaken them both, keep them both from becoming who they could be. She would rather be alone than be someone else.

He couldn't say he agreed with her. He couldn't say that all, but he understood. His eyes were stinging again. He sighed and swallowed what felt like a ball of cotton the size of his fist and still couldn't find the strength to speak. He just nodded.

She closed her eyes and looked like her heart was breaking within her. Slowly, she turned and walked back up to the castle.