Chapter 5 – 2004

He paused his outburst, giving a calmer huff. "You think we can just walk away?"

"No."

Olivia couldn't walk away… she's not even sure why she suggested someone else could when she knew damn well that she would never be able to. She's thought about the conversation here and there in the last two years - usually when shit is hitting the fan and she wants, no, knows it would be better to walk away. But, every time the thought occurs, she thinks: if she wasn't a detective in this force what would she be… what could she be?

At many points in her life, she had wanted to be a mom. She knows, at her age, that the clock is always ticking and, even if a stable love interest appeared in her life, a doctor would just tell her she'd be a high-risk pregnancy. They would be obligated to recommend her for light duty or even just desk duty- couldn't risk Olivia's cop instincts kicking in and her tackling a six-foot man to the ground while her body was trying to make another human.

To avoid the hassle of doctors and tests, she looked into an adoption agency, thinking maybe it would be easier… She couldn't be more wrong. After a crap ton of paperwork, phone calls, a few interviews, and a month of remote silence, the agency finally sent her a dreaded 'we regret to inform you' letter. In it, it stated that she wasn't the 'ideal candidate' to be put into the potential parent pool - citing her relationship status [single, never married] and work hours [all day, everyday] as their major reasons for rejection.

You know, it's one thing for you to feel like you're not enough… it's a much bigger some-thing for someone to tell you explicitly, in writing, that you're not enough. Like any true masochist, she couldn't stop herself from reading it over and over again; almost feeding on the ache of her chest as she scanned the paper.

It got easier after a few dozen times of re-reading it, managing to steel herself against every justification given. But one particular night - after a couple rounds of strong beers - she found herself drawn to the ivory sheet sat on her kitchen counter. Should have thrown this away right after getting it. She thought angrily as she picked it up and began to read, her eyes hardly able to focus on the small print… not that it mattered, she could recite the fucking thing with her eyes closed by now.

Her eyes scanned the curly signature of one Josephine Maddock, the snooty bitch who had so neatly decided her fate, and, before she noticed, her hands were shaking and her eyes cloudy. Despite the physical reaction, she felt numb, walking slowly to the fridge, and plucking another beer from the bottom shelf.

It took a couple hours – and a few more beers – for the anger to kick in. The first physical reaction to come when the anger hit was to throw something, or punch something. She settled on crumpling the letter to into the smallest ball achievable. However, even her strong hands couldn't crumple the paper far enough into oblivion for her anger to dissipate…

The first bottle shattered loudly against the fake wood floor of her kitchen, sending brown glass and leftover beer scattering all around her bare feet. It felt good, but not good enough…just like her. The intrusive thought was able to be pushed aside only for a second by throwing another empty bottle in the same spot.

She went through all the bottles she had drank, the bitterness and anger blinding her to what her body was doing. How – the fuck – could they? *crash* Who – the fuck – do they think they are to say she wouldn't be an amazing mother? *smash* Hell, she'd be a lot better of a mom than her own mom. The last bottle makes a more satisfying shattering noise as she opts to send it flying at the wall this time.

She's nothing but bitter by the end of her tirade. She's blaming her mother for her problems and wondering what it would be like to have grown up in a normal family. However, reality comes creeping up on her as she looks around at the mess she's made.

She sighs heavily before getting on her knees to start picking up the shattered pieces.


Olivia deals with her shit quietly, choosing rather to ignore than confront or confide in anyone. When she catches a new case, she's irritable before it even starts.

Munch is currently out with a wicked sinus infection so Cragen has Stabler 'tag along' with her to the scene. When they got there, the victim, Myra, is seated in the back of the ambulance. Olivia hops in the ambulance with her and they head to the hospital almost immediately. At almost the same time, a man by the name of Ron approaches Stabler, proclaiming to know the victim - that she was going to accuse him of the rape.

Both Myra and Ron go through a standard round of testing, pictures, and testimonials at the hospital. In the standard way these cases go, the two almost recount the same occurrences but with different villains.

"And then she tore me up with her nails." - "I tried to fight him off as best I can."

"At that point he had his hands around my neck." - "I held her down to stop her from attacking me."

Elliot ends up taking the girl home when the exam is over and returns to the precinct where Olivia is already running through scenarios of what happened based on the retellings. The case hitches all sorts of corners: the boyfriend saying she would sleep with the accused, Myra lying about having sex with her boyfriend the same night as the attack, hell, her roommate gave her rapist a list of all her previous sexual partners.

There's no substantial evidence leaning in any direction, so it quickly becomes a he-said-she-said type of case, the worst to try and the hardest to prove.

She knows the night of the rape that Elliot is going to fight her on this case. It feels like they've been down this road before. The cases all kind of run together at this point, but this one in particular is striking a nerve in both detectives.

"She wore sexy silk underwear to a meeting with Ron!" He's already yelling as ADA Novak leaves the room, stating the obvious about lack of evidence and the need for the two of them to agree before she can even try the case.

"That's not an invitation for rape!" She matches his aggression head on… this is, after all, what they do.

"Maybe she didn't see it as rape until he told her to leave!"

"What is your problem with Myra?" It's accusing, she knows.

"She's neurotic… she hasn't told a consistent story yet! Her words can put him in prison for 10 years, and she didn't even come forward until she was about to be arrested."

"Rape victims are in shock, you've seen it, Elliot!"

"I've also seen liars." The back and forth ends with them walking away. One more scream, they probably would have ended up throwing fists right there.


Olivia gets to work the next morning still angry. How many times is she going to have to go through the same fight with Stabler. She really couldn't see why he always had to be in opposition with her when they got stuck working together.

She came in early that day to work of some steam, her lack of equipment and hatred of running always forcing her to workout at the academy's gym. Today, she's gonna skip weights opting instead for the rowing machine, pulling as hard as her quads and delts would let her. When she feels so out of breath that her head swims, she finishes.

The sweat drips from her forehead consistently, almost melodiously. She stands from the machine to grab her bag and calm her breathing. She plans on taking out some frustration on the punching bag, followed by some jump rope: the rhythm of it always able to calm her before a cool down. She grabs a rope from the wall and places her bag and the rope beside the singular heavyweight bag in the gym.

She finishes wrapping her hands quickly, having done it so many times before. She only takes one quick second to grab some water at the fountain on the wall before heading back to the bag.

"The fuck?" When she returns, none other than Elliot Stabler is head down, fists up, going at the bag she had obviously been preparing to use. She approaches subtly, angry but not wanting to startle the man.

She enters his line of sight and the man huffs, not stopping his assault on the bag.

She adjusts her stance, irritated. "I was going to use the bag, Stabler, or are you too blind to see all of my shit sitting right there?"

He doesn't respond again. She can tell by his body language that he's heated … but when is he not? If he wasn't going to acknowledge her presence, she would make it known. She goes to the other side of the bag and starts sending her fists irritably against it, making sure to be off Elliot's beat and pace.

He deals with it for a minute, but it isn't long before he gives a blow so hard it sends the bag toward her. He's pissed now. "Benson, what the fuck are you doing?" He comes blasting from around the back.

Olivia can tell it jarred him, he's sweating and breathing heavily, trying his best to look down on her over his puffed-out chest. "I was using the bag, so I continued to use the bag." She keeps her voice calm.

"You weren't here when I came over, therefore you were not using the bag."

"Oh please, all of my stuff is literally right there." She motions to her gym bag all of two feet from them. "If you had any amount of common courtesy, you would have used another piece of equipment until this was free."

"It was free." He stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh, did Mr. Hot Shot Detective miss a crucial piece of evidence that this bag was indeed, not free?"

He's dripping sarcasm at this point. "You want to talk about common courtesy? How about common courtesy to actually use the equipment instead of just claim it?"

"I was 10 feet away. You just waltz over here and lay claim to anything you fucking want without analyzing any of the evidence that this was in use… or maybe, you just ignore the obvious evidence and do whatever you want anyway."

The two stare at each other for a long moment. They both know Olivia's words are laced with resentment about their opposing views on the case they're working.

Elliot takes a breath to respond but before he's able, both detective's cell phones begin to beep. It's a text message from the captain: My office.


When they arrive Captain Cragen's office, Myra's new lawyer has dropped in on the precinct: unannounced and on a rampage. She wants Elliot off the case… Myra has apparently accused him of groping her when he had taken her home from the hospital.

The room is shocked first, angry second. Cragen immediately steps in to defend Elliot, saying that the man has never had any sexual misconduct complaints against in all the years he's been in the force.

Elliot tries to step in next. Cragen eyes him as he closes in on the woman, his voice is deathly calm as he starts on his defense. But before he can get too far into it, the lawyer stands her ground and drops a bomb on the whole meeting - stunning the room once again.

"Elliot's wife has filed for legal separation and has taken the kids… His personal life is clouding his judgment on the case, he needs to be taken off." She says in more or less words. Thankfully, before he gets too angry, he removes himself from the captain's office.

Olivia doesn't know why, but she goes after him. The fucker is fast and she's almost nervous when she catches up with him in the hallway.

"Hey Elliot, stop! What's going on?" He's headed for the elevator and she's not sure he'll even turn around. Hell, why should he – they were in the middle of screaming at each other not even an hour ago.

"I touched her in an inappropriate manor, didn't you hear?" His voice is dripping with anger and sarcasm.

"I don't believe that, forget that." She's hesitant but she continues, wondering how far he will let her push.

She calms her voice, reminding him that she is not the target this time. "What else is going on?"

He's made it to the elevator door by now but stops and stands there for a long second. She's unsure what is next move is going to be. Will he blow up at her or just walk away? It looks like he's contemplating it himself.

She doesn't have to wait long because before she knows it, he's in front of her, not even a foot away from her face. His eyes are intense as she stares up into them. She can see the storm in them: the hesitancy, the regret, the anger.

"Kathy left me."


AN: Might fuck around and partner them together next chapter ;)

Thanks for sticking around, hopefully you're still enjoying!