Chapter One: Cooking=Romance

In the county of Volusia, from the commonwealth of Florida, there is a small hamlet called by the quaint name of DeLand, and in that hamlet, there is an education center by the name of Deland Middle, where in a brief moment in the river that is the time-stream, two girls met, lived, and found love together. The scene is set on November 19th, and in this hell (my personal one), the temperature is 50 degrees Fahrenheit. And now, I believe it is time to introduce our dear protagonists, who this story, one of love and friendship shall be based around. Our first protagonist is a girl named Alexa Schairer, who stands at 5 feet tall, and plays a major role in this modern-day fuck-pit that we inhabit, that which I occasionally attempt to describe for a comedic purpose. Our next protagonist is a girl named Una Musser, who stands 5 foot 3, and coincidentally happens to be a close friend of Alexa. The reason these two are my protagonists are solely because they share a fourth period together (an introductory culinary class, from which the title of this linguistic masterpiece is derived). Who or what bastard is writing this, you may wonder? The author, narrator, scribe, and chronicler is Jetro Tenerife esq. who was inspired to write this after a day in the culinary room, and after gaining a soupçon of inspiration. Said soupçon of inspiration descended into a fever, a madman's rush to inscribe his thoughts, libelous as they are, onto something, a preserver for the chaos and blossoming romance I saw that day. With that said, we open on a track stretching from a cafetorium (read: hellhole) to a room marked only as 101, which brought up connotations to Orwell's 1984. After the duo made the arduous journey to Room 101, which like Orwell's contained your humble narrator's worst fears: Idiots, and Republicans. An argument could be made for the two groups to be one and the same, but that would be a tangent of monumental proportions, and I can't give less of a shit. The information that is relevant or pertaining to the subject at hand is that the hickerbillies cannot properly appreciate or contemplate the subtle nuances of the way life changes and how time is the ruin of a being, or the beauty and terror of innocence or naiveté. I can give you a ten-thousand-word book on the rabble, as Nietzsche would describe them, yet none are as adequate and well-fitting as the simple sentence: Fuck hickerbillies. Hickerbillies have been your humble narrator's enemies, because of their Trump-centric beliefs, necessitating this tangent. As we enter the culinary room, a conference of the most empty-headed and useless minds to ever enter the edifice of 101 is meeting. Our two protagonists enter the room as the conference reaches a climax of hatred and intolerance. To make my point, if I punched the low-born common thugs and blockheads in attendance once for every intolerant and dunce-like statement, my shoes and pen would be stained with a mixture of some variant of a sanguine color, and brown, specifically the variety of dried blood. Also, there would be at least 2 dead from exsanguination. Una, upon watching the bullshit unfolding in front of her whispered, so as not to attract attention from the principal dipshits in the conference, "Hey, Alexa, can you help me on this math homework paper?" Alexa replied with "Of course, now which one is it?" Una responded with "Homework Five, on solving for x in the format of axb=cxd". Alexa then created a suggestion to go outside and enjoy my personal hell before the goddamn fuckers in the conference decided to use their destructive instincts on the environment. For as detrimental to my life this hell is, there are worse ones to live in; and contrary to popular opinion, I am not a masochist, and nor are the protagonists. As they sat in the cold, working, Una suddenly remarked "You know, I just realized how much you help me on a daily basis, so I would like to thank you.", surprising Alexa, and disturbing the quietude that arose. Alexa prompted "What made you want to thank me? I'm just curious." Una responded "I've been thinking about Life, the Universe and Everything, and humanity's pointless in the long run. In a few billion years, the sun burns out and everything we do is pointless. It's worth nothing. The richest people alive, their bones will be disintegrated by age and time right next to the poor's bones. It's bleak, and honestly, very depressing." Alexa thought for a bit, then spoke quietly "Death comes for us all. Nothing lasts forever. Nietzsche was right." She then followed that up with "Damn it, now I'm sad. Fuck it." Right at that moment, a gust of wind formed, turning a cold day into almost polar conditions, causing Alexa to subconsciously curl into Una for warmth. Alexa then stated, "You're hot, you know that, right?" Unexpectedly, a masculine voice dissipated the quietude formed after that statement, and the voice said "Damn, I didn't know you were into women." Alexa angrily responded with "I meant like her body temperature! Shut up!", prompting another human, Harper, to walk over and try to figure out what's happened. Harper then asked the possessor of the voice "What happened to make Alexa yell?", to which the voice responded, "She just said Una was hot." Causing Alexa to scream, "She's so hot, as in BODY TEMPERATURE!" Una woke up from her mystified state induced by Alexa, then idly remarked on the situation "You're also beautiful, even if only I can see and appreciate it." Despite the argument on her sexual identity, Alexa replied "There's more to me than purity and innocence, but thank you for the compliment.", and then followed up by asking Harper not to tell others of the precarious situation.

About 2 days after that momentous occasion, the two were sitting in an alcove above building 200, which was their place of refuge and solitude away from the chowderheads that smeared the name of Deland Middle, and Alexa said to Una "I'm bored. We should come up with nicknames for each other, or something to pass the time." Una thought the offer over, mentally turning a coin, then saying yes, and quite happily. An uncountable number of minutes later, Una shared her nickname for Alexa "Sakura", and Alexa did the same, calling Una "Kahayag". The two asked what the other thought of their nickname, and Una responded, "It sounds nice, but I have no idea what it means", to which Alexa replied "Your nickname shows that you took the time to find a nickname in another language, so thank you. Also, Kahayag is Cebuano for radiance." Una thanked Alexa, and their meeting in the Alcove ended with Una stating playfully "I don't know what radiance is in English, or what Cebuano is." With the realization that the free period has ended, they decided to stride to their next class. During the walk to Mr. Lewis' English class, the wind hit higher and higher speeds, until Alexa felt like she was walking in gale-force winds, and her lengthy brunette-red hair blew around her face. Her escort(non-prostitute)/companion, Harper, had tied her blond hair with a blue streak into a bun that day, thus preventing that problem for her, and Harper watched amusedly as Alexa's hair flew. Once Alexa's hair, returned to normality at Mr. Lewis' class, she met with her longtime rival in academia, Elliott Kelton. Upon meeting her, Alexa tersely said "Hello, Elliott", with a contemptuous manner, to which Elliott replied happily "I'm ready to continue our rivalry this year!", and then followed it with "Um, have I made you mad? You seem annoyed, or angry with me." Alexa thought out a reply which went as such, "I'm not mad, it's just that you get top spot every year, and no matter how hard I try, every year, your name sits at the top of the ledger, right above mine. It's just a pain, to keep losing every year." Elliott then spoke quietly, "I can't promise to do worse, but I can help you with the work, and increase your general knowledge." Satisfied with the turn of events, and how she made peace with an old rival, Alexa stated "I'd like that, and we are two of the best in these halls. If we work together, we'd be unstoppable on the leaderboard." The duo then sat down with their mutual acquaintance Harper, all the while emitting an aura of happiness at the revelation that they weren't foes, at least for the brief time they both inhabited. Ready for the lecture/verbal thrashing that the resident hamster enthusiast and Lovecraft fan would deliver, as he had for the last fortnight. Shockingly, Mr. Lewis entered without speaking, and did not deliver his usual speech/rant on the class, or the teacher's newfound power to curse students with referrals that came after surviving a disease, granting them a stand, of sorts. He just spoke, "The work is on the board. If you finish, you get free time." The reason for this change was a book appearing on his writing desk, one labeled "Love found in Academia" and as he began reading, he speeded through the previous pages, then came to a rest at page eight, where the words "The reason for this change was a book appearing on his writing desk, one labeled "Love found in Academia" and as he began reading, he speeded through the previous pages, then came to a rest at page eight," had just appeared. The class was left to converse quietly, and presumably, work. As the class "worked", the mood changed to a disconcerting one, as absolute silence descended. Eventually, a young man (read: immature human) that went by Peterson stated, "Why's it so quiet?" Which prompted Alexa, who was reading, and currently entranced by her book "Life amongst the Hickerbillies", that some enjoyed the quiet mood, and that Kaine had broken something almost as dear to her heart as Una and her friends were: The feeling of reading a book, receiving information, learning the stories of fictional characters, and thinking. The only information necessary to our plot of Alexa and Una is that Peterson acts as a minor annoyance, constantly violating the unspoken rules of academics, and being generally useless in most situations. On a final note, for Peterson, if he were a fictional character, he would be Katherine from 1984, a Magikarp without the ability to evolve into Gyarados, or the grocer boy from the Shadow over Innsmouth. Let me explain: He resembles Katherine, because the substance in his head has been put there by someone else, and he does no real introspection. He resembles Magikarp, because he can be helpful, but is usually a hindrance, and he is the grocer boy, because he is somewhere he never should have been. While this has been unfolding, Alexa, like a stone in a river ignores the commotion, but is shaken out of her reverence of good literature by her newfound ally Elliott, who reminds her that the bell has rung, and they should depart the classroom. In fact, all entities have vanished except the bald man at the desk, who looks up from the book, and through the metaphorical veil of fiction/reality and questions "This is fanfiction?" to which the author nods yes, and then promptly depart to accurately chronicle the storyline of this world. The author's last glance at the bald man reveals a glass of Chianti, presumably to handle the revelation that he had spoken to an extradimensional being, and how the world was a fanfiction.

At this point, Alexa had gone home to think about the week, and the occurrences that happened during the last three days. She removed her phone from whatever hiding spot makes it undetectable to teachers (hint, it's called a rucksack, and if you have this specific problem, FUCKING BUY ONE. THEY ARE CHEAP AS HELL.), and then messaged to Una, "I'm bored, and want to join a club. Do you want to join me?", hoping to speak to her at the club, and get a few extra minutes of private conversation each week. In truth, her "few minutes of talking" would, if uninterrupted, finish at three hours or more, because to speak to someone on your intellectual level is more than simple conversion, it is a meeting of minds, the spark that could lead to an earth-shattering revelation, and above all, a sharing and exchanging of ideas, concepts, thoughts, anything that comes to mind. It is (metaphorically) a light shining so brightly in the mind, that one could compare it to the radiance of a dying star. Our two protagonists are a Shining example of this, even more so than Danny Torrance, or Halloran. As time passes in this section of the universe, the sun sets, the moon rises, and Celestial bodies weave an intricate pattern against the dark canvas of the night. The people, however, slowly fall into a pattern of unintentional waking, checking the time, and then sleeping again, until they fall asleep for a longer time, which is presumably because of the first step. It is now 7:15 in this particular section of the world, and the inhabitants are exiting the sleep-induced stupor slowly. Our protagonist Alexa, however, has already exited her tired /dysfunctional state and is now making a breakfast of oats and milk, giving Alexa her nutritional content for that morning. As she works methodically, with a level of efficiency of Oceania's Thought Police, her thoughts center around Una, and the realization that she would have to speak to her parents about joining a club at Deland Middle. She mentally lists the complete set of clubs she and Una could join, with the top three being the creative writing club, the yearbook, or the math club. She questioned to herself as she ate the oats, "What are the pros and cons? Math Club has a good meeting date and time, but it's fucking math. I don't want to do math. On the other hand, it could help me improve by a letter or two. Creative writing sounds fun, but a requiem for it is that I have an opening on Fridays, which, because of my extracurricular activities, would be hard to plan. Yearbook just sounds boring." With that, her mind was set on joining the math club, in order to improve her skills at math, something which was important, or integral, to her future. Una, however laid in a green and brown bed, still not freed from the shackles of sleep, which was in a large room, with a writing desk, a nightstand, and a bookshelf. This would have been normal, if you disregard the alarm clock on the nightstand that had not rung yet. In the master bedroom of the estate, Mr. and Mrs. Musser had woken up late, because of the same problem. The source of the Musser's problem was a lightning storm at 12 midnight over their residential area, which restarted all devices plugged into the local electrical grid and disabled the Musser's alarms. When they both arrived at Deland Middle, its reputation thrown in the mud in recent years by its own students, it resembled the authoritarian state of Oceania. The two, upon seeing the prison guards/teachers located at every entrance/exit looked around for someone who could explain the changes to the duo. However, they didn't have to, as a prerecorded message on all school-owned computers played at 9:35. Said message was from school principal/warden of DMS and noted Twitter personality John "DeTweeto" DeVito. It spoke about his refusal to deal with impudent prisoners/students, the teachers' power to send down referrals for any reason, new full-time camera surveillance, and an apology to students who were trying to learn, and those unjustly harmed. Alexa whispered to Una, "This isn't fair. He can't impose these on us, he just can't! It limits everyone's rights and doesn't distinguish good from bad." However, the school philosopher, and eighth grade leaderboard champion James Armistead whispered back to the duo "Nothing can stop him, he has the power. We don't have any power here. And those stupid enough to disregard the rules and risk punishment by this damn state, they deserve this, and I will watch their eventual failure and punishment, with a feeling of schadenfreude. My personal view on the impudent, is that they have not learned to control their instincts in accordance with the teachings of Zarathustra." Una then remarked "That guy is weird. What the hell was he talking about?" Alexa just shrugged and whispered back "No idea." The duo exited their first period, P.E., to proceed to their second period, Science, instructed by Mr. Quinn. The classroom resembled the lab of Herbert West and emitted an aura reminiscent of the philosophers of antiquity. Alexa asked Una, "Do you want to join the math club with me?" Una stated, "As long as I can spend time with you, I'd join any club.", humorously. Alexa then asked, "So do you want to join math club?", to which Una responded "Of course; I need extra math help.", and with that said, the duo departed the peaceable science classroom, for the (relative) insanity of the signature room. Alexa and Una quickly ran to the room in building 1000, in order to sign before the attendant on duty, Ms. M, departed for her lunch break. Unfortunately for the duo, the entity of Misfortune ran rampant that day in higher planes of existence, and Ms. M. was out for her daily cup of coffee, that acted as an emotional stabilizer, and a calming agent. Contrary to popular opinion, this universe's coffee did not act as a boost, rather, it increased dopamine, and instigated productivity. And with that, the duo departed, with a soupçon of despair, and decided to eat in the patio, immediately after resolving to be more punctual. At the patio, a place nicknamed "Castle of Indolence", because it was the meeting place for the Sweeps, conducted by DeVito's personal Gestapo. However, when not being used by the secret police, the Castle is a favorite of students looking for solitude. Alexa, upon reaching the Castle, remarked sullenly "Poor punctuality will be our doom, my dear Kahayag.", to which Una replied jokingly, "And I thought you were straight. Evidently, I was wrong.". Alexa, however, laughed softly at the actions of her comrade, and as soon as she recovered from the fit of gayety, and laughter, she deftly stated, "I swear I'm straight! It just…. slipped out.", and Una replied swiftly, "So you refer to me as "dear Kahayag" mentally? Two can play that game, dear Sakura.". Alexa then said, "You started it!", and then Una replied, with a tone of sarcasm, "Okay, Sakura.", to which Alexa sighed, knowing that the name would be attached to her identity until the stars died, and humanity was just an object of antiquity, like fountain pens, or watches without digital interfaces. Speaking of watches, Alexa checked hers, and decided to get food before the Castle closed, and their next period began. Alexa then spoke to her friend, "Hey, Kahayag, do you want to get food? I'm starving.", to which Una responded, "No, I'm not hungry.". Alexa then went for a miserable experience in the hellhole/cafeteria, and thoroughly hated the shit. The duo then decided to walk to Culinary, where they were met with their mutual friend/acquaintance, Harper, who was clad in her trademarked bonnet and knit satchel. Harper greeted Alexa and Una, then asked the two "Did you get invited to the banquet for 4.0 grade point average students?", to which Alexa nodded an affirmation, while Una stated sadly that she wasn't invited. Harper then told Alexa that invitees can bring one guest, and then asked Una nervously, "Do you want to attend with me?", to which Una said "Of course, but why did you sound so nervous when asking?", to which Harper replied, "It just felt a bit awkward, like I was asking you out for a romantic excursion. Also, they shall make an announcement in approximately 10 minutes, so be ready for that.". Like always, the head of the Kitchen, Austin Haltermann, made his customary rant on the numskulls there using the same monotonous pattern he'd used for the past 6 weeks, however, the rant today was interrupted by the announcement for the 4.0 GPA student banquet. The announcement called for the teachers to release the students and the selected guests, and Mr. Haltermann did, telling Harper and Alexa to "get out of my class", but before they left, Harper gave Una the form to be a 1 at the banquet, to get her into the event. Upon reaching the 1415 building, which was a terrace with a glass floor, glass walls, and stained-glass windows of successful alumni, overlooking Downtown DeLand, which was deserted because of the 50-degree weather outside, there were several noticeable faces, that by a fortunate coincidence happened to be the top 60 on the Deland Middle 7th grade Leaderboard. Now, a requiem to properly describe the banquet is a moderate understanding of the Leaderboard, which is what I am attempting to impart upon the reader. In every school in the United States, there is a leaderboard system, designed for academic competition and an increased leaderboard per year, and leaderboard standing is determined by academic performance, as well as optional tests that can lower or raise your standing by massive increments (Note: The test only changes leaderboard standing, not actual grade). An example of a leaderboard structured like Deland Middle's is the figure 1.1 (not the actual leaderboard), where only the top twenty are enumerated.

1.1

1st Place: Isa Robotnik

2nd Place: Jeffery House

3rd Place: Walter White

4th Place: Sherlock Holmes

5th Place: Guy Montag

6th Place: Watson

7th Place: Fred Krueger

8th Place: Bubba Sawyer

9th Place: Jeff Lebowski

10th Place: Monika

11th Place: Yuri

12th Place: Albus Dumbledore

13th Place: Cthulhu

14th Place: Randolph Carter

15th Place: Nazari Notanactualperson

16th Place: ("-_-")

17th Place: Nazari Isanactualperson

18th Place: DIO BRANDO

19th Place: Nazari Isstuckinsideafanfiction

20th Place: Nazari Pleasehelpmeimstuckinafanfiction

Now, at the banquet, located on the terrace at edifice 1415, where Alexa, Harper, and Una have just arrived; there are four long tables, completed with glass, in keeping with the décor of the room. The tables themselves are set so that three go vertically if seen from the top view, and 1 is horizontal, that being reserved for the top 20, those metaphorically being the largest brains in a room of them. Alexa and Una took their seats at the front row with Harper, Harper being seated with Brooke Zeidwig, who was a short woman, being around 5'1 foot tall and with brown hair. The menu for the event being chicken tenders, served with a Spanish risotto, complimentary from Mr. Haltermann, the culinary instructor. Then, a man wearing purple and gold clothing appeared, reminiscent of the emperors of old entered the foyer and did introductions, calling all who were in attendance that day to him, for their customary award. After the introductions were made and the food served, quiet conversation arose, and a principal topic were books, and specifically, philosophy books, because twelve is the age you first realize that the universe, is bullshit. Alexa asked her companion, and possible lover, if the school rumor mill was to be believed, "What's your favorite book?" as a topic of conversation, and Harper responded joyously, as humans do when talking about their favorite pieces of Literature, "A Clockwork Orange, what about you, Una?", to which Una happily sighed out, "Fahrenheit 451, because I love the way Montag goes from a fireman to a rebel." . Their unobtrusive conversation was swiftly intruded on by an announcement reminiscent of 1984's Hate Week telling them to applaud DMS and, slander Southwestern Middle, a rival education center. Alexa commented "Why does pep matter so much?" in a questioning tone, to which Una and Brooke both responded, "Why is the education system bullshit?", and "Why is humanity bullshit?", both rhetorically. Harper then explained school pride to Alexa and how it was a veritable dick-measuring contest between schools. The Banquet then ended, and the party we are focusing on promised to talk later.

After the conference, which was renowned for the cumulative intelligence gathered in the terrace, the duo quickly walked to Mr. Quinn's laboratory/science classroom; however, the notable experience during the walk was when the two, enthralled by thoughts of literature and each other's company, collided face-first with someone they had only seen at the banquet, Aubrey Hampton.