Remus shivered as he reached the dark alley way. The cold rain had soaked threw his thin, well worn coat and was running in freezing rivers down his back. Leaning back against the brick wall, it felt as if the world was pushing down on him. Despiration had made him run, and he had run, away from everthing that had reminded him of the past and the future. Remus tilted his head back letting the rain fall on his face. He wasn't used to feeling selfish. At the moment, however, that was all he could feel. Why was he forced to have such a hard life? What had he done to deserve this? Not only was he something that people feared and hated, a monster, not only had he lost all of his friends, brothers, in one foul swoop, but the one time when his life began to look up. Sirius was innocent, they were reunited, broken, but still together. Even that had been taken from him.
The guilt from Sirius' death hung over him like an umbrella. If he had been stronger, sterner, he could have stopped Sirius from coming. He could have held him back. Tears began streaming down his face, mingling with the rain. Remus slid down to the alley floor, no longer caring about his robes. What he really wanted, what he pleaded for was to join his friends again.
Harry didn't really need him, he had Dumbledore and the Weaseleys. They protected and cared for him better than anything Remus could do. The only thing that kept him from the final plunge was the hypocrasy of it all. That despite the hard times and the ridicule he had plugged through it. The fact that if he did do it, many would be happy. He could see the head line now "Finally another werewolf offs himself, why don't the rest just follow his lead?" chuckling darkly Remus grimiced. What was he supposed to do? "Padfoot, Prongs" his rusty voice called into the night, "How am I supposed to go on?" Leaning back against the wet brick sighing at the silence. He had been half hoping for an answer.
And then a voice replied "well Remus, you breath. In and out. You keep living."
Remus shot to his feet as if a metal pole was down his spine. Using his keen eyesight he scanned the alleyway. Unable to see who to speaker was he called out, "Who's there? Show yourself!"
Albus Dumbledore stepped lightly out of the shadows, the twinkle notable absent from his eyes. "What happened to the sabatical Remus?" he spoke quietly
Turning away from the concern filled eyes, Remus spoke to the rain instead. "It was too hard to be in the house. So many memories, I thought the hustle and bustle of London would help " He lied, badly. Sighing Remus shifted his glance back to Dumbledore's aged face, the shadows throwing it into relief.
"Why Remus? I know your life is not easy, I know this loss is one on a pile of many, but there are still those who care about you Kingsley, Tonks, the Weaseleys, Harry. They all need you. Life hasn't ended with Sirius' death." Dumbledore had a pleading note in his voice that Remus hadn't ever heard before. "I have no right to ask for forgiveness, I did not ask Harry to give it and I will not ask you too. I am a man Remus, I do make mistakes."
Remus looked in shock at Dumbledore. This was not what he had expected. Dumbledore asking, no not asking for forgiveness.
"Albus, I don't want or deserve your apology. If Sirius' death (he choked out the word) was anyone's fault it was mine. Our places should be reversed." Remus shook his head and continued with bitterness, "Plus I haven't done anything."
Dumbledore's eyes closed for a long moment. "Remus, listen to what I am saying. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Sirius' death is not worth this! He would have wanted you to live, love, to keep going. You know that."
Remus nodded, "I know, they would all have wanted me to live. It is just hard to find something to live for, when everything that I have ever loved, or loved me has either been killed or has run away screaming when they found out what I am."
Dumbledore walked forward, grabbing Remus' face so their eyes locked. "Remus I cannot let you go through with this. Not only would it kill Harry, but I don't think I could take it either. I cared very much about Sirius and James, but you, well you, I always watched closer than the others."
At this prouncement Remus' mouth dropped open with shock. After searching Dunbledore's eyes for the truth he realized that Dumbledore was speaking from his heart, it was not guilt or pity. It was purely true. Before he could even think of a reply Dumbledore nodded once as if realizing that his words had created the reaction he had been looking for and began moving toward the entrance of the alley way.
Remus jumped up and followed in his wake. Pulling his collar closer to his neck against the cold, Remus glanced sideways at Dumbledore. "Where are we going?"
Without even glancing in Remus' direction Dumbledore answered " It seems an old friend of mine has found your school ring. I am sure that in the years to come you will want to keep it to remember the good times."
After that statement he gave a very significant glance to the right.
Remus looked away slightly sheepish, and then stopped abruptly as Dumbledore had paused in front of a muggle bookshop. The windows were slightly dusty, but the inside looked warm and dry, something Remus badly needed at the moment, he was freezing. There was a large overstuffed sofa on the right surrounded by rows and rows of books. Between the aisles, chairs were placed for readers, they each had a small standing lamps next to them.
"Albus, isn't it a bit late to make a social call?"
"To some it might be, but knowing John as I do, he won't be asleep."
With that said Dumbledore knocked loudly and then there was a flurry of lights in the shop as an old man made his way through the stacks.
"Well, well, well Albus I didn't expect you tonight."
"John, sorry about the late hour, but well we were in the neighborhood and I decided to take care of this tonight."
--Alright, this is all I have at the moment. If you like the story and want me to keep going PLEASE let me know. If you hate it and think it's total rubbish, tell me that too…just be gentle.
I really want to keep going….and the more you tell me you like it the more I will want to write! Thanks!-S.G.
