A/N: Wow, I haven't updated this one in a looooong time. Whoops. Well, here's an update, but I'm not sure how funny it's going to be, since I'm not really in the right mood for this, but felt like doing it anyway, ya know?
Oh, and I apologize in advance to all the blondes out there reading this. I realize that not everyone is this stupid and ditzy, but hey, it's all in the name of good writing, right? Right? Right?
Ack, one last thing, I promise! I realize that Elliot and Kathy aren't together anymore, but for the sake of this story, they are. All right, I'm done.
"Hey, Elliot?" Ashley and Elliot still stood outside, where it was a bit nippy, to say the least.
"Yeah?" Elliot looked over at the estranged teen, one eyebrow raised.
"Can we go back inside now? I think my face just went numb."
"Have you learned you lesson?"
Ashley gave him a very cross look, signaling that she obviously did not want to answer that question. Elliot sent her one right back, indicating that if she didn't want frostbite she was going to have to say it and mean it.
"Yes, Detective..." Her gaze stayed glued to the ground, and it was quite apparent that there were many things she would much rather being doing just then.
"Good." Elliot said, satisfied. "Let's go, then."
The two turned to head back inside the station-house when they ran (literally) into someone. Apparently, she had just popped out of nowhere, since neither of our two main characters had noticed her before that moment.
"Who're you?" Ashley asked, rubbing her head where it had collided with the girl's elbow.
"Is this, like, the police station?" The girl, who, incidentally, was blonde, ignored Ashley's question in favor of asking one of her own.
Immediately, Elliot ceased being annoyed and was interested, being the cop that he is.
"Yes, it is. I'm Detective Stabler, is there something I can help you with?"
"Like, oh, like, my God!" The girl shrieked, causing the other two to clamp their hands over their ears in a vain attempt to block out the sound. "You're, like, Mr. Whatshisface!"
Elliot and Ashley exchanged looks.
"First of all," Ashley said meanly, since she didn't take too kindly to her first/second-depending-on-the-day/second character being insulted, "It's Detective Stabler, and second-"
"Like, oh, like, my GOD!" There was less than second after the words were uttered before the girl launched herself at Elliot, only to be whacked in the face by Ashley's fist. "Like, OW! Like, what was that for?"
Ashley stood in front of Elliot, smiling smugly, arms crossed across her chest.
"Nobody - and I mean nobody - touches Elliot. Period. Except maybe his wife and kids." she thought for a second, "And that's only sometimes."
"Like, you're, like, MEAN!" The blonde pushed past them and ran, crying, inside the building. Elliot and Ashley stared after her.
"Um, should we follow her?" Elliot asked, still attempting to process what had just happened. Ashley shrugged.
"Well, it would be funny to see the looks on the others' faces when they meet that psycho, but that would mean subjecting ourselves to that horror again."
"Hm."
They stood there in silence a moment longer before coming to the conclusion that seeing the looks on the others' faces would be too priceless to miss. As they headed back inside, Elliot stopped, forcing Ashley to stop as well, or else run straight into him.
"Hey...Thanks. For not letting me get clobbered."
"No problem. No one so much as thinks about clobbering you without my say-so. Or Kathy's, of course." The look on Elliot's face forced her to change that last part.
Thankfully, he was saved from responding to that, seeing as how they had arrived back inside the SVU squad room and were greeted by eleven different voices demanding "What did you do!"
Elliot and Ashley exchanged looks.
"I didn't do anything. Did you do anything?"
"I didn't do anything either. So, if you didn't do anything, and I didn't do anything, then neither of us did something. Right?"
"Wrong!" Cragen joined in the conversation. "This girl-" he gestured to the blonde, who was now sitting in Cassidy's seat (which was technically Fin's now, but that's not the point), crying profusely "-just came in here complaining that you two viciously attacked her!"
Alana's eyes flashed.
"Oh, I'll kill her, all right, if she doesn't get out of that chair."
Cassidy noticed this and quickly stepped over to where she was standing.
"It's okay, Alana, really."
Alana turned on him.
"No, it's not." All three words were spoken slowly, deliberately, threateningly.
"You're right." Brian quickly agreed and led her off to the coffee before she could do any damage.
"What the hell is up with this chick?" Ashley asked incredulously. "First she runs into us, then says we viciously assaulted her? She's a lunatic if I've ever seen one! And believe me, watching SVU for lots of years, you see a lot of lunatics."
"Well, actually-" Huang began to contradict her, but stopped as soon as he spotted the death glare she was sending in his direction.
"Hey, don't threaten Huang!" Karen jumped between the two of them before any real damage could be done. "What's he ever done to you?"
Ashley stared at her.
"Right. Never mind. Relax, go do Elliot, will ya?"
It took a few seconds before the statement sunk in.
"Whaaaaaat! Karen, what have I told you about saying those things in public!"
Karen simply smiled at her angelically. Well, as angelically as Karen gets, that is.
Before the girls had the opportunity to start a physical fight, Cragen interrupted yet again.
"Hello! Do either of you have any idea what the basis behind these accusations is?"
"Well, obviously, it's because she's an attention-seeking idiot who will do anything to sate her constant need for acceptance." Alana, the AP Psychology student of the bunch, rattled off a textbook definition, adding a few things to embellish the otherwise boring statement. She turned to Huang and said snidely ,"So there, ass wipe."
Huang smartly refrained from comment. Cragen stared at her.
"In English, please?"
"But of course." Kerri jumped in. "She said that this bitch is just an attention-seeking little whore who isn't worth our time."
"Exactly." Alana nodded happily. "Aren't I smart?"
"That's not exactly what I would call it..." Olivia, who had been just about forgotten until this point, muttered. Alana was the only one who picked up on the derogatory comment.
"Brian..." she whimpered, turning to face him and giving him puppy dog eyes before burying her face in his chest. "She's being mean to me..."
"Now look what you did, Liv," Elliot commented, interrupting his own recount of the previous events to Cragen.
"Yeah, look what you did, Liv. You made the psycho cry." Munch mocked, a bit aggravated that he was being ignored. Nobody noticed except Kerri, who promptly scurried over to him to make sure he and Fin both felt loved.
"Hey, she's not the psycho!" Karen protested upon hearing this.
"Yeah!" Ashley agreed. "Obviously, it's that thing that's the psycho here." She pointed at the blonde, who was still sitting in Cassidy's chair, forgotten, watching the entire scene with amusement.
Upon realizing that she had been found out, the blonde's eyes widened.
"Me? Like, what did I do?"
Elliot stopped his story to stare at her incredulously.
"You mean other than attempted assault of a police officer?" Upon hearing this, Ashley snickered loudly. Cragen turned to her.
"And what do you have to say about punching this poor girl in the nose?" he asked, looking both annoyed and amused at the same time. Ashley blinked at him innocently.
"I honestly thought she was going to harm Detective Stabler, sir. I did what I thought was necessary to protect the well-being of one of New York's finest." Somehow, the girl managed to say the entire thing with a perfectly straight face. At this, nearly everyone in the room had a fit of giggles, or something to that effect. Some of them (who will not be named, Fin, oops, it slipped) would never admit to giggling.
Cragen stared at her.
"Is that all you have to say for yourself?"
Ashley looked at Elliot and shrugged.
"Yeah."
"All right. I want someone to take a statement, just in case this young lady here decides to press charges," he motioned to Cassidy, who was still busy comforting Alana. "Cassidy, come take her statement."
"But, Captain..." Cassidy gestured down to where his shirt was quickly becoming very wet.
"Take her with you." was Cragen's ingenious solution.
"What're we doing?" Alana asked tearily, sniffling loudly in the process.
"Taking a statement."
"Why?"
"Because Ashley here did what all of us have been wanting to do ever since this brat walked in here." Karen's response was perkier than it really should have been, considering the circumstances.
"Ooh!" Alana looked enlightened. "Can I watch?"
"I suppose." Cassidy shrugged. "Don't see why not."
With that, the three strolled off to another part of the station-house, leaving Kerri and Karen alone with the SVU team.
"So," Kerri said happily, "What happens now?"
"We kick you all out and get on with our jobs," Fin muttered.
The girls and everyone else stared at him.
"Wow," Olivia commented, "Looks like someone's not a good mood."
Fin glared at her.
"Wow," Karen added, "That was really out of character."
Fin stared at her.
"What?" Karen asked, observing the look she was being given. "It was."
"Moving on," Cragen said, eager to rid himself and his team of such nuisances. "What are we going to do about this?"
"About what?" Monique, who had been basically forgotten about this entire time since she was off doing... things with Munch, asked.
"This." Cragen gestured to the blonde, who was still sitting in Cassidy's chair.
"Who, like, me?" The blonde was apparently paying attention now.
"Yes, like, you." Cragen responded a bit snarkily. "Is there something we can help you with or not?"
The blonde sat there, apparently deep in thought. Ironic, I know.
"Like, hey," she said finally, "You're, like, that guy from, like, that show."
Everyone stared at her. Kerri and Karen had to refrain each other from killing her.
"Nah, shit?" Ashley had just walked back into the room, fingers looking slightly blacker than before. "Ya think?"
"That was, like, uncalled for," the blonde sniffled, tears welling up in her eyes.
Ashley rolled her eyes and ignored her.
"Hey, have you guys seen that bitch who can't dress herself and can't win a case to save her life?"
"Novak?" Alana popped up beside her.
"Yeah, her."
"Hey!" Karen and Kerri exclaimed together. "Don't diss Novak!"
Ashley and Alana stared at them.
"I'll stop dissing Novak when you stop dissing Cassidy!"
"Ha, like that's ever gonna happen!"
"Exactly!"
Of course, Cassidy entered the fray just then. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the spot where the four girls were sizing each other up, yelling at the top of their lungs.
"What did you guys do?" he asked incredulously.
"Nothing." Munch said, appearing randomly out of nowhere. "It's obviously all a ploy by the government to turn everyone against each other so they can instigate a race war in which the bureaucratic higher-ups will be the only survivors."
The others tuned out of Munch's little rant in time to hear "Fine, then we're bringing Cabot back!" from the girl's heated argument. Seconds later, Alexandra Cabot stood before them in all her Alexandra Cabotness glory.
"Alex!"
She was immediately glomped by all four girls. Alex looked down at their heads passively and echoed Cassidy's words from two chapters ago.
"Fanwriters again? Well, it was bound to happen again sometime. Although, I will say, it has been awhile."
While the four obsessed teens began to frantically explain, no one seemed to notice as the blonde stood up and announced she was leaving. In fact, no one noticed when she walked out the door, either. In fact, they probably wouldn't have noticed at all if not for the loud screech and thud from outside.
"What was that?" Elliot asked.
The others shrugged nonchalantly.
"Dunno, don't care."
Wow, I'm pretty sure that wasn't funny at all. Basically, I was just writing to kill time, so I apologize for the lack of real entertainment. Next time... Olivia's fanboy! (Thanks to Lily for the idea!)
