Disclaimer: I own Kerri, Karen, Ashley, and Alana. Okay, I actually don't own Kerri and Karen, but for the purpose of this story I do. And I don't own Danny, either, no matter how much I wish I did.
A/N: Please forgive the constant snowboarding references in this chapter. It's my current obsession and I NEED to rant about it. And how better to do that than to annoy everyone who reads this? XD That's what I thought.
Right, and you can thank Lily for this idea. Thanks, Lily!
It wasn't long before yet another slightly confused-looking person wandered into the station house. Only this time, it was a guy. The members of the SVU squad all silently sighed in relief, thankful that there was finally a change of pace from the giggling, squealing, slightly psychotic females.
Alana took one look at the newcomer and squealed loudly, earning her yet another round of strange looks.
"What is it this time?" Cragen asked with a sigh, wondering when all this would be over and life could get back to normal. Well, as normal as life ever was in New York City, that is.
"It's-It's-It's-!" Alana cut herself off, unable to form a full sentence.
"Breathe, Alana, breeeeeathe." Kerri said, inhaling and exhaling deeply in demonstration. The other girl followed suit and seemed a tiny bit calmer before continuing. She pointed at the boy accusingly and yelped "DANNY KASS!"
Cue another round of looks.
"Who?" came the undisputed response from everyone in the room other than the three teenage girls who hadn't spoken. Kerri and Karen rolled their eyes and wandered off somewhere, pulling Fin and Munch behind them, eager to get away from their obsessive friend. Ashley, on the other hand, was staring the boy (Danny) in shock, apparently unable to make any noise.
"Danny Kass!" Alana shrieked, jumping up and down excitedly. "Are you people really that ignorant?"
"Yes." Olivia said. She didn't look all that happy. "We are. Now if you please tell us just who the hell Danny Kass is-" She was cut off by the boy in question.
"Oh my God!" he exclaimed, sounding oddly like Alana, "You're Olivia!"
Olivia blinked, as did everybody else.
"That's Detective Benson to you," she snapped quite irritably. "And have we met?"
"Only in my dreams, my dear," Danny said as he crossed the room to stand in front of her. He took one of her hands in his and brought it up to his mouth, kissing it. Olivia yanked her hand away, looking repulsed.
"What the hell is going on around here!" she cried, clearly uncomfortable with the fact that she was nowhere near in control of the situation.
"Well obviously," Ashley regained her voice. "Danny Kass is your obsessive stalker fanboy."
"Fan...boy...?" Cragen looked around, confused. Kerri took the liberty of sticking her head out the door of the room she was in with Karen, Fin, and Munch to answer.
"Fanboys are just like fangirls," she explained, "Except they're guys." And then she was gone again.
"Exactly." Ashley nodded definitively. "Though I must say, it has been a while since I've run into one..."
"What does this mean?" Olivia asked, still trying in vain to avoid Danny's advances. "For me, I mean."
"Well, you know how wonderfully happy Elliot and Cassidy are?" This time it was Karen who answered. "Well, that's gonna be you. But with Danny, not Alana." Then she, too, was gone again.
"Oh God..." Olivia murmured, sinking into her desk chair. Danny misinterpreted her remark and quickly joined her.
"Don't worry, my love. I'm here and everything is now all right."
"Noooo!" Olivia howled, unable to shake him. While the rest of the SVU squad watched this highly entertaining spectacle, Alex turned to Alana.
"So, just who is Danny Kass?" she asked, unwittingly setting herself up for a twenty minute rant/discussion.
"That depends. Do you want the short version or the long version?"
"Short."
"All right, then." Alana grinned maniacally and cracked her knuckles loudly before continuing. "Danny Kass is one of the absolute best snowboarders in the world." She paused, thinking about what to say next. Now, while most people would think that she was done, Ashley knew better and sat in Cassidy's chair and leaned back, getting comfortable. "Blah blah blah, got his ass kicked at the Olympics by that dumbass nineteen-year-old upstart Shaun White (and no, I'm not bitter at all), got his ass kicked at the Vans Cup at Tahoe this year in both slopestyle and superpipe by not only Mason Aguirre (yay!), but Louie also, which was just like a "WHAT THE HELL?" moment, and-and-and... It was bad. Drinking and smoking is baaaad, folks."
Everybody blinked at her.
"Whaaaaaaat? I'm obsessed, all right?"
"That was the short version?" Cassidy asked, looking a bit shocked.
"Are you really surprised?" Elliot asked, rolling his eyes and heading for the coffee.
"No, I guess not."
"Precisely!" Alana and Ashley chimed, wide grins plastered on their teenage faces.
"And that's Danny Kass!" Alana finished with a flourish. "He's awesome."
"Wait," Olivia said, looking both frightened and a bit confused. "Didn't you just spend the past few minutes insulting him?"
"Yeah. So?"
"So... never mind."
"Good plan." If possible, the grin on the girl's faces widened even further.
"Right, so, um..." Olivia trailed off, unsure of how to word what came next. To think, she handled criminal offenders and abuse victims day in and day out. And now, when it really mattered, she was physically incapable of wording her desire. There was a long pause before anything else was said, during which the ceiling was examined closely, and Elliot exploded the coffee machine. Eventually, Olivia continued.
"How do I, um, get rid of him?" The question was obviously directed toward the girls, who were apparently deep in thought.
"Huh?"
"What?" The girls exchanged looks.
"Is the great Olivia Benson actually breaking down and asking us - who have been making her life ever-so miserable since we walked in this cheery morning - for help?"
"Why, I do believe so." Ashley cocked her head innocently. "Should we help her?"
"Why, I don't know," Alana mimicked her friend. "She didn't seem to want our opinion before, so why should now be any different?"
"Well, obviously because she's the one having difficulties." Ashley began to observe her chipping nail polish indifferently.
"Ah, yes, that must be it." Alana shifted her gaze to the puddle of coffee that now stained the tiled floor. The girls fell silent for a minute or so, leaving Olivia - not to mention everybody else - in suspense. Danny took advantage of this time to plop himself down in Olivia's lap and began to caress her cheek.
"Wha- PLEASE?" Olivia shrieked and jumped up, knocking Danny to the floor, where he began to kiss her feet. The girls exchanged looks again.
"Well..."
"I dunno..." Alana turned to Cassidy, who was trying very hard not to laugh. "What do you think?" She shot a quick glance over at Olivia, trying to see if the fact that her ex-lover deciding her fate was torturing her. Instead, she witnessed the look of disgusted horror that soon accompanied a swift kick to Danny's face and the wounded comment of "But, my love! We are meant to be!" Alana stifled a giggle before turning back to Cassidy.
"Well..." he pretended to mull it over, taking his time to watch Olivia suffer just a liiiiiittle bit more. "I suppose you probably should."
"Oh, all right." The girls weren't all that happy with the decision, but obliged anyway. Alana cursed her love for Cassidy as she directed her next comment to a very abhorrent Olivia.
"So, um, I hate to break it to you, but there's really no way to get rid of a fanboy."
Everyone blinked at her. Olivia's eyebrows shot up and eyes widened in a combination of shock and fear.
"What?" she whispered fearfully. She didn't want to have to spend the rest of her life with this-this... creature attached to her every second of every day.
"Oh, no, we don't mean it like that," Ashley amended quickly, "There're a ton of ways to get rid of one, but there's no simple one way to do it."
"Huh?"
"Let me explain-" Kerri and Karen rejoined the group, along with a slightly disheveled Munch and Fin. "While there's no one specific way to get rid of a fanboy, it is possible to get rid of a regular boy."
"A number of ways, actually," Karen chimed, looking happy.
"Like talking about 'girl issues' in detail."
"Or not even in detail. Guys tend to go red and leave the room at the slightest hint of the topic." As if on cue, Cassidy, Munch, Fin, Cragen, Huang got up and exited the premises. "See what I mean?"
"Yeah, but Elliot's still here." Ashley pointed out.
"He's married." Alana stated. "And has three daughters. He's used to it."
"Oooh. Right."
"Anyways, that works on most guys, but apparently, not on Danny here." Kerri pointed to the guy in question, who was still slobbering at Olivia's feet.
"However," Alana said, yet another grin plastered on her face. "Danny here is a special one. (Trust me, I know.) You ready for this?" she paused for dramatic effect. "Hey, Danny."
He didn't look up. Alana continued anyway.
"There's a foot of fresh pow about a mile and a half north of-" Before the sentence was even fully out of her mouth, the boy was out the door, hastily pulling on his snow gear.
"Well, that certainly was interesting." Alex commented, still staring out the door after him.
"Aw, Danny go bye bye..." Alana pouted, not looking happy at all. Cassidy seemed to sense this and reentered the room just in time for her to have another breakdown.
"Now see what you've done?" Karen said, shooting a mean glare in Cassidy's direction. Before he could question the logic behind that statement, Olivia yanked Alana away from him and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug.
"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" she exclaimed, tears of joy for her newly-granted freedom threatening to spill over.
"Um... you're welcome?" Alana gasped, wrenching herself away from the slightly neurotic detective. "This is all very out of character."
"Indeed." Kerri concurred, brow furrowed.
"Yeah, it is kind of strange..." Ashley commented, biting the inside of her lip. "Do you suppose she needs to see a shrink?"
"Where's Huang?" Karen asked, looking around for the man in question.
"Dead, I hope," Ashley muttered as she slowly pulled a spiral-bound notebook from out of nowhere.
"Hey! Ashley!" Kerri noticed the subtle action and made a move to rip the notebook away from her friend.
"Ack! No! Mine!"
"Gimme that!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
As the two girls tussled on the floor for control of the notebook, the SVU squad just watched.
Wow, that was really out of character...I have no idea what's going on with me today. Could be the fact that I reeeeeally don't want to go my homework. Or that whole thing with Danny placing really poorly and whatnot. Oh, and just for the record, Danny Kass is NOTHING like what I made him out to be. I just wanted an excuse to put him in. Any ideas for the next chapter are encouraged! Really.
