This last chapters have been sad, I know, but I promise things will get better. Please review and tell me what you think and if someone wants me to add something to the storyline I'll be glad to receive PM or you can tell me in the reviews.
The rain fell against the windows, the sky a dark shade of gray, thunders could be heard in the distance. The room was cold, the chimney laid silent, the coal hadn't been turned on in months. With no artificial light in the room, but with the curtains open, the shadows played tricks on her mind, but she couldn't see them, she wouldn't see them. She hadn't heard the knock on the door; she just sat on his bed, his teddy bear on her lap. After she had discovered of his passing she had wanted to go home, and even though they had insisted it wasn't good for her, that she still had to rest, she packed her things and left. They didn't say anything about it; she needed to go home and be in an environment where she could grief in peace. Shortly after her return home Charles and the children also came back; Elsie had been sharp and told Jane that she would be sleeping in the guestroom.
-Why can't I sleep in my room?
-I said no and I don't have to explain myself!
She had seen tears in her daughter's eyes, something she hadn't meant to do, what caused a little more pain in her heart. She kneeled in front of her and hugged her, close to her chest. She apologized over and over again. Jane soon stopped crying, but Elsie didn't; to her surprise her daughter wiped the tears away and kissed her cheeks, then she went downstairs smiling. They hadn't told her about Richard and they had to, soon, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't want to bring more pain, tears and grief into this house.
She was now staring blankly at the teddy bear, tears threatening to fall. She had spent half the day in that room, in his room.
-Elsie? - She turned her head slowly to the door where he stood, his hand on the doorknob.
-Yes? - She hadn't spoken much in this week, she wasn't sure if her voice would last enough for her to say what she wanted to say or if it would crack and leave her.
-Everything is ready. Are you okay?
-Am I okay? I don't know.
-If you don't feel up to it you can stay here.
-No. I owe him this. I owe him this.
-You don't owe anything to anyone. He knows you were there, in his heart.
-That wasn't enough. It just wasn't.
-It's okay. I mean it; if you want to stay here no one will say anything. They will understand.
-How things have been in the house? - She changed the subject quickly when the tears started to fall.
-As well as it can be expected. Ana has been doing a very good job as a substitute housekeeper, and Mr. Barrow has been very supportive. He feels guilty about what he said.
-Guilty? - She turned her head back to the teddy bear, the tears falling on the soft fabric of the toy.
-Yes. He said a few things he now regrets terribly, but it doesn't matter now.
-Doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.
-Everything matters Elise. - He sat next to her on the bed. After a few minutes in an almost oppressive silence he spoke again – Lord Grantham won't be able to attend the services.
-Why?
-He was called to London early yesterday morning. The trials about the incident of the Titanic have started. He tried to postpone it, but there was no possible way he could have done it. The judge just wouldn't have it. Lady Cora stayed, on the other hand. She refused to go. I think it was because since she lost Lady Sybill she thought her place was here with you. With us.
-When are we going to tell Jane? We can't keep on telling her that he's… he's still… he's still in the hospital.
-Soon we will.
-How soon?
-I don't know, but soon.
-You won't do it. You will let someone else do the dirty job for you or you will keep it from her forever.
-You know I won't do that. I've never done it.
-You kept his death from me. You didn't tell me he was that ill. You didn't let me go and see him.
-I thought I was doing the best for you. You've let yourself go Elsie. Where is that strong Scottish woman I knew once?
-She's gone. Gone with her child.
-No. She's still here; I know she is, she's just too scared to come out.
-And what if she's scared?! She's so fed up with all this things. So tired. So angry. So in pain.
-Let it all out Elsie. Let it all out.
-It's your fault!- she stood up and pointed a finger at him.-If you had told me about this before I might have been able to do something, but you decided that I didn't have the right to know, you didn't ask, you just took this decision on your own. I could have been there with him and maybe helped him get over this, but I wasn't there. I was in bed thinking that he was alright, being happy when he was in pain and alone. I wasn't there, and there so many things we were going to do together. I left him on his own, I didn't spend all the time with him he deserved and now he's gone. And it's your entire fault. It's your entire fault.
She cried, and cried, and cried. Charles felt awful about what he had said, but somehow he thought that now she could grief in a less painful way, now that she had let everything out she would start to heal, slowly. She fell in his open arms and cried with her face hidden on his chest. He kept her close, as close as he could, whispering soft words on her hair. It had taken her almost the entire morning to get dressed and braid her hair; she felt weak and couldn't eat a thing, not even have a spot of tea. She felt numb, as if everything that was happening outside that room didn't affect her, as if she was inside a glass bubble. After a while she felt that she had no tears left in her to cry, so she just sobbed in his husband's arms. Cora had walked upstairs to see why they hadn't gone down yet, the priest was waiting. She heard the cries and the screams and after a few seconds of hesitance she walked over to the children's room and picked inside. He found Elsie crying on her husband's chest, her face pale and red, Charles holding her close. She felt her own tears falling freely. She felt like an intruder, so she quietly left the room and went outside.
-My Lady?- Baxter let Molesley's hand and walked a few steps on her Ladyship's direction.
-It's okay Baxter. They are fine, they are grieving, and we will have to wait until they are ready to come down. Why don't you all go? I will wait here.
Elsie stopped crying after a while and stood up to look into her husband's eyes. He held her hands and smiled at her.
-Are you okay?
-I'm so sorry. I shouldn't…
-No need to apologize.
-But he was your son too, and I've been acting as if you had nothing to do with him.
-This is just your way of letting the pain out. Are you feeling better now?
-A bit.
-Do you want to go to the funeral?
-Yes. I want to be with him. I want to say goodbye.
-Alright. Hold my hand. I'm going to be here always.
She nodded and slowly walked with him to the door, her left hand in his and her right hand holding his teddy bear. Carefully they made their way to the door, and after putting their jackets and hats on they walked outside. Elsie was tired, very tired, but the cold air and the slight rain helped her clear her thoughts for a while. The car was waiting outside. In the numbness and the weakness she was experiencing she didn't feel as if she was walking or sitting, she didn't feel the bumps on the road as they made their way to the graveyard. The mass in memory of Richard had been performed the previous Sunday, two days before the actual funeral, and Elsie had been too weak mentally and physically to attend it. Charles had told her that it had been beautiful, that the priest had spoken such beautiful words it felt as if God had been talking through him, reassuring him and in response, her. The graveyard had always looked like a place for else where people simply buried the bodies of their loved ones, there was nothing beautiful about it. Now it was her baby's new home, near the Lord's home. The priest spoke, but she didn't hear a word. The white coffin rested on the floor, a whole in the ground waiting for it. She touched it, the cold, wet and smooth surface underneath her fingertips. She couldn't cry anymore, she felt empty, hollowed on her inside.
-Elsie- he touched her arm. – Father Johann wants you to say a few words. Do you want to?
-Oh… I suppose so. – She looked up to meet his eyes and then lowered them again. – I've never done this before, and I'm not very sure what I'm supposed to say… But I'll try. Richard… Richard… Richard was the sweetest, most wonderful, imaginative child I've ever met. I loved him with my entire being, I still love him, and I don't think I will ever stop. I've always thought that he was going to be a wonderful young man one day. I still think so, even though he won't celebrate any more birthdays. Jane, on the other hand will. He was a wonderful baby, he cared for everyone; he was curious and loved cars. But he secretly told me he wanted to be… he wanted… he wanted to be a farmer. He said he loved horses and he wanted to have chickens and cows. He said he would discover why when it rained the black spots didn't go.- a few giggles were heard among the crowd.- I've wondered why the Lord, if we were both ill, decided to take him and not me. He had so much life to live; I've already had my share.
-Relax Elsie, deep breaths before you go on.
-I just want to finish by telling you how much I love you- She lowered her lips to the coffin and after a kiss she rested her forehead against it.- I love you so, so, so much not even words can explain it. I'm always going to love you and I will never forget you. Never. I will be waiting for the day in which we will meet again. I love you my Richard. I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. You've must have been so scared and I wasn't there to blow your fears away. I'm so sorry, and I hope one day you will forgive me. Goodbye my baby, remember mummy loves you.
Charles grabbed her lightly by her arms and pulled her away from the coffin. They lowered it slowly before graving the shovels. Beryl threw a white rose inside and turned to walk back home with a whipping Daisy. Slowly the graveyard cleared except for Charles and Elsie. She hadn't moved an inch.
-Elsie, everyone is leaving, I think we should go too.
-No, I want to stay with him for a little while.
-Okay, then I'll stay with you.
Charles placed his arms around her shoulders and kept her close to his chest. Elsie rested against him, her hands hugging Richard's teddy bear in the light rain.
