hello, it's been a while!


V

Five months later

I feel my eyes melt out of my sockets. Closing them for a moment, I rub them furiously and yawn like a bear. The big hall of a room is sprinkled with people hunched over or laid back in their chairs, all staring at their screens trying to find the next words and meet whatever deadline they have.

I'm not exactly on a deadline. I'm working on a few article outlines to show my boss before I head out. This internship-turned-job definitely made me proactive.

After my summer internship with the Arts & Culture section, my boss, Lauren offered me a part-time job. I am here 20 hours a week with an option to work remotely given that I'm in school but I tend to physically log in my time here because I like the energy and feed off it. And the remainder of the time I work at a bougie coffee shop in downtown Seattle while attending school full-time. I moved in with Kate over the summer and drive down to Renton about twice a week to check in on Dad and make sure the freezer is stocked.

Dad's got a girlfriend now, which means I tease him all the time

"How's your girlfriend?" I sing-song my question in the most annoying and juvenile way I can.

"Why do you have to be so middle school about it?"

"Cause you're my dad and it's my job to embarrass you about these things." I cackle and he blushes, averting his eyes and grumbling.

"Wait till you get a boyfriend…" he warns and I laugh louder again.

"I'm not dating till I'm 30 remember. Both of us can't have a criminal record for attempted assault and murder."

"You don't have a criminal record." He reminds me.

"In my head, I do. Let me be a bad bitch." I reply, rejecting the merits of his argument.

He narrows his eyes at me but I see that hint of a smirk, "watch your language, young lady!"

Her name is Patricia. She's an ER nurse and they met while he was there for a tiny studio accident that involved a nail gun and a bleeding hand. I did not ask the specific details as to how it happened because I was very distracted by sparks flying between them. I never knew Raymond Steele had game but here we are. They've been going steady for almost six months now and are thinking of moving in together soon.

Life is so much better here. Well, as good as it could be. I still fiercely miss José and find myself picking up the phone to call him. His message window has moved down the list. I've been trying to make friends, trying to be present and show up to things like dinners and brunch or movie hangouts. But José is with me in everything I do.

I'm not as social as Kate but it's impossible to be a complete introvert when you're close friends with an animated extrovert.

I also think about Gray from time to time and find myself listening for his voice in the people I talk to but I don't think I'm meant to hear him again.

"Have you ever wondered about your purpose in life?" He asks. There is a distinct shade of defeat in his voice especially after finally seeing through the manipulation of that bitch who abused him. Our back and forth almost got heated till out of nowhere he realized what I was seeing and his voice broke.

"Sometimes," I answer truthfully, "but I also know that it doesn't always have to be a great purpose, it can be a series of small things." I add. Like being able to see Arabella grow, taking care of my dad and making him proud by graduating college eventually and most of all, doing right by José and keeping my promise to him.

"I've always wondered what mine was and no matter how many goals I achieve, I don't think I'll ever know or find any real sense of peace."

"Then maybe you need less goals and more, moments I guess." I reply, "goals feel like you have to work hard to achieve them or be worthy of them. Dial it back down. Start by resting. I think you need to do an Eat Pray Love situation."

"What?" he chuckles.

"It's a book and a movie but if you're lazy, just watch the movie." I giggle.

"I'm not watching a chick flick," he replies with what I hope is mock disdain.

"Chick flicks are full of important lessons too." I don't hide my indignation in this regard.

"Yeah, the most important one being, don't watch a chick flick."

"Just watch it, okay. I guarantee you'll learn a thing or two that will help. It's about this woman who gets a divorce and goes on this quest to find herself after realizing the source of the things that have been holding her back."

"Does she find herself?"

"Yeah, she does. Spoiler alert." He laughs at my disclaimer, "but I think the most important thing I took away from it was that it was important for her to remove herself from situations and in some instances, locations that became blindspots for her because she became too comfortable in that toxicity. I haven't travelled much at all but I imagine that once you're out of familiar surroundings both physical and emotional, you're more alert and in tune with your intuition as a means of survival. It's a reason why there is so much literature based on travelling and finding yourself. You have to learn how to find yourself. It doesn't just magically happen. And if you can't get out of the country, just move to a different state in a different time zone to start."

"Is that what you did?"

"Nothing drastic like that yet." I reply and my dreams of New York with José come rushing to me. Unrealized and left to wither away. But leaving Montesano has been sort of good in a way. Seattle for the most part has been good to me even though I don't deserve it. "But maybe one day."

I sigh at the memory. Some good things are better as one offs in life, I suppose.

Even five months later, I wonder about him, hoping he's happy and that witch of a woman is out of his life. I don't wish her death but I wish her a long life of suffering and painful reminders of what she did to innocent children.

Lauren calls me from her office and I quickly press save on my word doc and head on over.

"What's up?"

"God, I miss the hoodie life," she laughs when I take a seat across from her.

"Hoodie life is the best life," I reply, getting comfortable… "I think it's acceptable dress code post 7pm. Though, it's my dress code all the damn time till I graduate."

I'm wearing my trusted gray WSU hoodie, jeans and chucks. Classic, basic-broke-ass college uniform… not that I don't class it up for important interviews and events but when I come in to plug in hours after 4pm, I can't be bothered.

"Don't graduate. Stay in school as long as you can," she advises me and I snort. "Alright, so I know that you want to go into publishing and I've been keeping an eye out. My friend Elizabeth works at Seattle Independent Publishing and they're looking to hire a few interns for the spring season. Are you interested?"

"Yeah! I mean… wait, is it unpaid?"

"Unfortunately," she winces, "but, given your PR experience and of course the really good work you've done here since the summer, I told her to seriously consider you for a paid part-time position given that you're in school. They have shit social media presence and I think you could be a valuable asset to their team. I showed her the socials campaign you did for us this entire summer."

I nod thoughtfully, "I really appreciate this, Lauren but if I'm going to be creating something from scratch to set them up then I'm going to want something more than a part-time paid position. Maybe I could work as a consultant instead on a project basis?"

She smirks, "I think that's an excellent pitch to make and if things go smoothly, you can slowly move towards the editorial team like you did here… of course, I'll be writing you a stellar recommendation letter."

I beam at her, "that would be amazing. Thank you. If I do end up consulting with them, then hopefully I won't have to quit working here because I really do like it."

"Of course you do. We're fucking awesome… we just pay shit,"

We both bark out a laugh.

This feels good. Kate was right. The PR internship and this summer's internship is gold on my resume and having proved myself in two very different and competitive environments has definitely given me the advantage I need to not only go for what I want but even possibly carve out a new path for myself.

I know I'll land the SIP gig. I can feel it. After last year's internship, I got a letter of recommendation from Mr. Kavanaagh himself which is worth all its weight in gold.


When I exit the Seattle Times building, I'm grateful that it's stopped raining. I take out my phone and call Kate to ask what she wants for dinner.

"Can we haz tacossss," she answers in greeting on the first ring.

"Long day?" I laugh.

"Long? Doesn't even begin to cover it." She groans, "I'm certain my COM 320 professor hates my guts. The asshole lives to torture me."

"What the fuck did he do now?" I start walking down the sidewalk. I'm about three blocks away from our favorite taco truck.

She keeps me company on my walk. Downtown Seattle is so sad and gloomy after the work day is over. I'm grateful that there's only one person in line which means I'll get done super quick and hopefully beat Kate in getting home. It's going to be a tacos, pajamas and eat-out-of-your-own-damn-pint, ice-cream night. I can feel it in my bones.

I round the lone customer with his back to me and greet Diego in my usual fanfare, giving my order. He makes fun of me as always and I remind him who really owns his ass. He literally has pandas and sloths hanging from branches, stuffing their faces with tacos. Arabella loves pandas, or at least she loves the little panda bear I got her for her birthday this year. I've even brought her here for tacos a few times whenever I can watch her. I miss that nugget.

I catch a peek at the other customer and give him the usual customary smile but in all honesty my mouth goes a little dry because holy shit is he handsome. Not even handsome, he is straight up otherworldly and criminally good looking.

José would totally approve.

Ridiculously hot, is what Kate would say.

But he's the kind of hot that makes you say, think and do dumb shit is what I would say but I quickly look away and take my phone out to keep myself from doing said things.

For some reason, I feel a chill and not because of the fact that it's the middle of October on a post rainy night but more so that I'm being stared at. So I turn to the stranger again and he's staring straight at me. He has gray eyes that are striking and demanding. This is weird and I feel uncomfortable. Also, because I notice another man standing a considerable distance away staring at the both of us. What the fuck is happening? What kind of people work in this area?

He may be good looking but most successful serial killers tend to be so I clear my throat and try my best at aiming for nonchalance to take a few steps in the opposite direction, away from him.

They're probably just weirded out that a college kid is hanging around the business district looking like she's homeless. Right?

What is wrong with me? Kate was right, I need to calm down on the murder mystery and serial killer documentaries. I'm too morbid and look for problems in everything. Especially hot guys. I'm projecting and I need to relax.

A few minutes later, Diego informs me that my order is ready along with Mr. Gray Eyes. Get out of here, Ana. I wish Diego goodnight and start walking away from Awkwardville.

My mental checklist of chores makes an appearance; I need to do laundry at some point, put gas in the car and do a grocery run so I can prepare some casseroles to freeze and bake at a later date.

"Steele!" I hear my name being called out. It's a man's voice. I've heard this voice before.

It can't be. I freeze and my heart hammers in my chest. Surely, I'm imagining things. Which means my brain needs a break.

But there's a shift in the air…

Turning around I see it's the same gray eyed stranger. My lips part and I force myself to breathe. I replay that voice in my mind and…. No, it can't be him.

Gray? Nah.

There's a look of trepidation on his face. As if he's wondering the same thing. He followed me so of course this means…

I'm smiling before I can stop myself and take two steps forward to close the distance a little.

"Gray?"

He smiles wide and nods.

"OH MY GOD!" I laugh… Holy shit! I cover my mouth and start shaking my head. My face hurts from smiling so big and he too chuckles. He's so beautiful, it's mesmerizing and a little disconcerting to be honest. "How are you? And how have you been? This is… I mean…" WAIT A MINUTE. I need confirmation. "Actually, I need to ask you to confirm something… robots?"

He laughs, "don't know how to have fun."

"Okay cool. You are who you claim to be!" I giggle and notice that other man who was standing a few feet away from us at the taco truck. I lower my voice, "um, do you know that guy, he's been staring and now seems to be following us? Please tell me you know self-defense because I do and if you hold him down I can make him cry for his mama."

He looks back and chuckles, turning towards me. "That's Taylor, he's my… uh, bodyguard?"

My jaw drops, "do you work for the CIA or something?"

He shakes his head smiling, "no, but my work is… well, it requires this resource."

Hmm, vague. And he looks really young but the suit is also throwing me off, so I can't really tell how old he is.

"I didn't know management positions were taken that seriously. It really must be important what you do."

He averts his eyes and shrugs with a tight smile.

"Are you doing well?" I ask, suddenly feeling emotional.

"Yeah, I am," he smiles, making eye contact again and even through the gentle expression his eyes are so arresting… "the things you said… they really helped that night."

Crap! Don't cry, Ana. Don't be a cliche.

"I always wondered," I murmur, looking down at the sidewalk, "I mean, we never know how callers end up so.." I smile trying to brave through this sudden emotion and peek up at him, "I'm really happy to know that I could help in some small way."

"Small way?" he repeats my words in disbelief and shakes his head… "you have no idea how much it meant to me."

His words are simple but weigh so heavy in meaning that make my heart stop momentarily. This feels… it's too much.

With a tentative smile, I clear my throat, "I'm really happy you're doing well. And it was great seeing that you really are…." I pause for a moment. "Um, I sort of have to," I lift my bag of tacos, "get back before my bestfriend throws out all my stuff for denying her dinner."

"Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?" He blurts out. I probably look like a deer in headlights because I know for a fact my entire body is numb and my brain is short circuiting. Dinner? Why? "…or a, coffee! Yes, how about a coffee instead?" He amends his statement rather nervously.

"Um.. uh…" Where are my words? "Why?"

I can hear José's voice yelling down at me from heaven.

WHY?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ANNIE?

FORGET DINNER, TAKE HIM TO BED.

Which is hilarious because I wouldn't know the first thing to do with him in bed. I need to shut up and stop going out in public.

"As a way to say thank you," he replies, "I'd really like to see you again."

"Coffee…" I test out the word. I don't drink coffee. Isn't this illegal? Shit, I don't remember what the handbook said. Margaret would probably kill me if she found out. Oh fuck it. Why am I even worried about her. She can take a damn pill for all I care. It's just coffee, that should be fine right?

Why do I make everything an ethical or random judicial dilemma?

"Sure," I smile… "I have class tomorrow evening but I'm free Friday evening if that works?"

"Yes, of course. That works perfectly." He looks relieved and I burst into giggle fit like a 13 year old girl, prompting him to chuckle. "Can I get your number or…"

My number feels a little intrusive, "I can give you my email instead." A look of confusion crosses his face and he nods, taking out his phone, ready to take my information. I opt to give him my school email and spell it out for him. "That's Steele with an e. Like Anne with an e," I ramble.

"Anastasia Steele…" he says my name again, looking straight at me and I am on the verge of melting into a hot puddle of feelings. I bite my lip and glance at the taco truck for a moment for some reprieve. Now I know what Kate meant about wanting to find a guy who could make you orgasm from just a look. "Anastasia is a beautiful name."

Can someone please check for a pulse. I think I've died. José, are you there? Give me a sign!

I gulp and let out a nervous laugh, "not when you're in trouble which is the only time someone calls me Anastasia. Which is why I prefer Ana."

He continues to smirk, "you used your last name as a color?"

"I know," I groan and roll my eyes, "super lame but it's the only one I could think of in a pinch."

He smiles and slowly shakes his head, "My name is Christian Gray."

"Shut up!" I burst out into laughter, "here I thought I was the lame one…" I cover my mouth, "I mean.. Not that you are lame. I mean.. You know, oh god! Nevermind. Please ignore me." Ana, you are a goddamn mess. "Wait!Gray with an a or e?"

"E," he replies, laughing.

"Wow." I chuckle again but my cheeks hurt and I feel like I'm red as a tomato and give him a once over. Gray eyes, gray suit and tie. This man wears his name too, "you really take the grey seriously, huh.. Very on brand!"

He looks down at his suit and rolls his eyes, "it's an easy reinforcement."

I nod, "all the shades of grey…"

"50 and counting," he snorts and gives me his email to take down. Once I'm done, there's a need in me to get away because this all feels weird and I'm having trouble processing it but he springs another thing on me, "You're going to walk home alone? I can drop you to–"

"Uhh, that's really nice but I'll be fine. I'm only a few blocks from here." Please don't ask me to get into a confined space with you because I will make a fool of myself. I already have, in very public and spectacular fashion under the open sky.

"Email me the minute you're home then." His voice is authoritative and a little dark. I swallow and give a single nod as an answer. "Until, Friday."

"Until Friday." I repeat softly and turn around at the speed of light, trying to walk as normally as I can.

The heat slowly dissipates from my body. I want to turn around and see him but that would be lame… right? This is so confusing.

He just wants to say thank you. I'm reading too much into this. I really need to find new and better, mind consuming activities that keep my brain centered.

I need to google him. If he doesn't exist on some corner of the internet then that means… he's a serial killer.

The first 10 hits on him are all articles about him being the youngest self-made billionaire as of this summer.

WHAT?

Oh fuck…

When I finally reach home, I close the door and sag against it, falling to the floor.

"I almost sent out a search party for you." Kate's voice reaches me before she's in view and she's alarmed to find me in the state I'm in, "Ana, what happened… are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine.. Just a little… winded I guess."

"You had a long day too, huh?" she plops down right next to me and we sit like this, on the floor and begin to eat our tacos. My phone beeps and I see it's an email from Gra-Grey!

Fuck, I forgot to email him. I reply immediately only for him to reply back just as fast.

"What are you smiling about, Steele?" Katherine Kavanagh inquires. Oh shit… need to throw her off the scent.

"Gossip situation with Lauren. Some guy she met, it's stupid." I laugh.

"Well, men are stupid." She grumbles, no doubt reeling from dealing with her professor and breakup with Dylan last week. He wanted a threesome and claimed to have found an interested party. Katherine Kavanagh doesn't share or tolerate ideas of it.

"Hey, I wanted to ask… do you know about a Christian Grey in Seattle?" I ask, trying my best to appear nonchalant.

'Name doesn't sound familiar, let me look." She takes her phone out and does a quick google search. "Holy shit. I remember him…." my mood sours a little, "yeah! Dad mentioned him. He said there was a new punk on the block. Now I remember… yeah, he like started his company at 21 and has had this insane rise to the top and looks, ridiculously hot as fuck! There aren't that many pictures of him to drool over though…" She squeals, showing me a picture and I do my best to keep a neutral expression while nodding.

"Why are you asking?"

"I saw him at the taco truck," I say, "he was talking to Diego and when he left, he told me that he couldn't believe Christian Grey came to get tacos from him."

I am such a fucking piece of shit but an exceptional liar.

"YOU STOOD CLOSE TO HIM." Kate laughs, "is he hot in real life of is it all photoshop."

"He should be in jail." I giggle.

"You have never said that about a guy… you like him?"

"WHAT?" I panic, "noooo, I just saw a hot guy buying tacos, it's wednesday and I've had a day… let me just appreciate good things. Like this taco." I dismiss her.

"It's okay to have a crush on a guy you know… but if you ever wanna meet him, I can talk to Dad to have the arts and culture section arrange an interview with him and then YOU can go and do the interview. I can see it now… he'll fall in love with you and ask you to marry him and…" I grab her taco and stuff it in her face. For all her girl power persona, Katherine Kavangh is a hopeless romantic at heart.

"You need a new hobby or dick."

"I do, don't I?" She sighs, talking with her mouth full. I chuckle at her forlorn expression. "Is it bad that I want to order pizza now?"

"No it's not." I tell her, admitting further that I'm still starving.

I so badly want to tell her that I'm meeting him on Friday but I can't exactly reveal how I know him. It's too private and personal to share our connection. I've kept a lot from Kate not because I don't trust her but I also don't think it's fair to share all the negative shit that's going on in my head and bring her down and make her feel like she should have to take care of me. Being friends with her makes me feel normal. We talk about normal things and it makes me feel stable. It maintains my drive to stay on track.

I wish José was still here. He'd probably dress me up in a ball gown or something and tell me to sit straight, and apply some makeup to look like a human being and most of all, keep my lame attempt at humor at a level 1. Not to mention that I eat like a lady and not a starving bear.

Once we're done with dinner and in our respective rooms, I sit in bed with my open laptop and phone in my hand, looking at his email.

He's a real person. And he's successful and I'm relieved to know, happy or on the road to it at least.

I get up and go to the bathroom and stare at myself. This is what I looked like when he saw me? How underwhelming, I think to myself.

Snap out of it, Ana. He only wants to say thank you. It's a coffee date–no, it's a coffee meeting.

There.

That's safer and normal. Besides, he probably has a girlfriend now… Of course a man like him has a girlfriend. She's probably successful and driven like him. I'm just a junior in college.

I am overthinking as usual. We'll make small talk and simply go our separate ways after a nice beverage. Right?

I'm having a one time, thank you flavored coffee adjacent beverage with a criminally handsome billionaire who I have zero business meeting with.

What's the worst that could happen?


A/N: yeah, Annie… what's the worst that could happen?

There will be a third installment to this series. I'm just trying to figure out what to call it, lol!

Finding the Joy in Life? Finding the Joy in Love? I'm open to suggestions! till then, leave me a review and let me know what you think!

another quick note before I go, thank you to everyone who voted for this story and Finding the Color in Grey for November 2021. I really appreciate it