Chapter 7
Sawyer's POV
My breathing is finally returning to normal.
We still haven't spoken a word. We don't need to. She resting her head on my chest, like she did the night Boone died, and my arm is around her. Dawn is creeping in and I know the clock is ticking for us.
She's not trying to talk me out of this and I'm grateful for that. I couldn't stand it if she started to beg and cry. Leaving on that raft is something I have to do, there's no way around it. All we've got remaining to do is enjoy the few moments we have left together.
Absently, I start playing with a strand of her hair, thinking how happy it made me to see her appear in my tent earlier. It would be wrong for me to say that I had expected this, but I sure had hoped she would come by. A naughty smile floats on my lips; this sure had been much better than anything I could have imagined. But at the thought that I'm never going to experience that kind of bliss again, I sober up. I know I'm a damn moron, but I can't help it. I need to do this.
At this moment, we hear Michael and Jin talking and Kate lifts up her head, startled. The noise obviously pulled her out of her thoughts. We glance at each other. Since I don't really know what to say, I try:
"I still don't know how those two can understand each other."
She smiles sadly.
"Me neither," she murmurs before sitting down, now avoiding my gaze. "I have to go. Michael and Jin are going to come and get you soon."
"Yeah," I can only reply, hating myself for feeling emotional. I ache to touch her again, but I know we don't need to make this more difficult than it already is.
We both get dressed rapidly, avoiding looking at each other. When we're done, she turns to face me.
"I…" she begins hesitantly. "I won't be there for the raft launching, Sawyer. I'm not very good at goodbyes."
All I want right now is to take her into my arms and never let go, but I can't move. Stupidly, I reply:
"Me neither."
This is the end, I know it. In a minute she'll be gone forever. I should grab her and give her a kiss she'd never forget, but instead I just stand there, trying to engrave her beautiful face in my mind. I should tell her how much she means to me, but instead I just try to record her soft voice in my memory so I never forget it.
She takes a step towards the tent's exit and then locks her eyes with mine. I see the tears dangerously close from falling.
"Be safe, Sawyer."
Disheartened, I barely have time to reply "Yeah" and she is gone.
Kate's POV
He's gone.
Right now, the raft is getting further and further away. I'm not even at the beach, but I can sense him leaving.
After I left his tent, I hurriedly went to mine. Since I hadn't been able to tell him myself how I truly felt about him, I was going to write him a message. I did and then delivered it to Michael and Jin, saying a quick goodbye. I then picked up my backpack and headed into the jungle, tears running down my cheeks. I didn't even know where I was going, but I should have known that I'd instinctively take the road leading here.
I've been sitting near the waterfall for hours now, lost in my thoughts. The tears came back and I have yet to find a way to stop them. I have no idea how I'll manage to live on this island now that he's gone. I'm not even sure I want to find out.
I try to shake up myself, not used to self-pity. You'll get through this, Kate, I tell myself. You've been through much worse. But… have I really? I'm pretty sure I've never loved anyone the way I love Sawyer, not even Tom. I feel empty like I never have before...
Sawyer's POV
Damn I'm stupid, I think for the thousandth time as I push back once more this damn hair from my face. I made Kate cry. I fooled myself, and her, into thinking we could actually be together. That I could even experience something remotely close to love. I should have stuck to being bad boy Sawyer, we would both have been better off.
I'm so lost in my thoughts I don't hear Michael walking up to me.
"Think we'll make it?" he asks me.
"No," I reply. "And I'm already sick of being on that raft."
Michael chuckles.
"Come on, man, don't be so negative. It may take days, weeks, but we'll succeed."
I glance at him.
"Know what I like about you, Mike? You got the patience of a saint."
"Yeah? Why you say that?" he wonders. He has the right to be surprised. We've hardly ever had a civilized conversation, and now I'm tossing him a compliment.
"I've seen the way Walt talks to you. The way he runs around; does whatever the hell he wants. I'd have shown him the back of my hand a long time ago."
"You would, huh?"
"Hell of a lot cheaper than a shrink," I add, although I know perfectly well that this is my Sawyer side speaking that way.
"Is that what your father did to you? Show you the back of his hand?"
"My daddy never got a chance to beat me. He shot himself when I was eight."
Michael ponders on that answer for a moment before asking:
"Is that why you want to die, man?"
"What?" I ask, stunned. Where did he take that from? Am I so obvious?
Michael explains:
"Since the day you told me you wanted on this raft, I couldn't figure it out. Why does a guy who only cares about himself want to risk his life to save everyone else? Yeah... way I see it, there are only two choices. You're either a hero, or you want to die."
"Well… I ain't no hero, Mike," I only reply before beginning to stare at the ocean.
I'm now starting to wonder if that's still true. Do I still want to die? A few weeks ago, I would have said Mike was right. I was crumbling under the weight of my past. I was convinced I was a bad person, someone who had nothing good to give others. The only way to find redemption was to die trying to find help. But now, picturing Kate in my arms, picturing her trying to hide her tears as she left me earlier, I'm not so sure anymore. I can't stop thinking about her. Ever since the island I had wished to leave so many times became invisible, I haven't been able to focus on anything else but the woman I've left behind.
For the first time in 25 years, I feel like crying and I hate it. To change my mind, I grab the bottle containing the messages the castaways wrote for their loved ones, in case we ever found help. Being true to my Sawyer identity, I remove a few pieces of paper from it and start to read. Of course Michael expresses his disapprobation, but I don't care. I'm a sickening person and nothing can change that.
I first read Tracy's letter to her husband and kids, loudly referring to the little affair she's got going on back on the island with Scott… or is it Steve? But as I put that paper down, another one catches my eye.
My name is written on it.
Trembling, I grab it and immediately notice that Kate wrote it. My heart beats faster as I read…
"Dear James,
By now I know I won't be able to change your mind about leaving on the raft. I wish I could have found a way to make you understand just what exactly you mean to me before it was too late. Now I can only pray that you'll be safe and that you will find help for all of us. Then maybe I'll have the chance to hold you again… Only that hope will get me through the days to come, through the emptiness ahead. Because without you, I'm empty and lost.
I hope you can find redemption in your own eyes. In mine you did.
I love you.
Kate."
I fold up the letter, my hands shaking and almost choking as I try to hold back my tears. She loves me, she really does. She loves me for who I am, despite my past.
Damn I'm stupid.
Still shaken up by Kate's letter, I'm lying down on my back. I'm looking at the stars, wondering if Kate is doing the same thing right now. Somehow, it comforts me to think she and I could be watching the same thing. Somehow, it makes me feel closer to her.
I just hope I can save her. Save her? Ah, I'm laughable. She's the one who saved me by giving me her heart…
Suddenly, the radar starts to beep steadily. For a split second we just stare at each other, but then we all get up and walk up to the screen. There really is a white dot blinking on it.
"Someone's coming! Someone's coming!" Michael can't stop screaming. "Fire the flare!"
I pick up the flare gun that can save us and, under the anxious gazes of my fellow sailors, hesitate for a few seconds. What if I just threw the flare in the water? The guys would kill me for sure and then... well, I'd be dead and done with this mess of a life.
But instead I close my eyes and sigh deeply. I'm going to do this. I'm going to make sure the people, back on the island, make it back to their loved ones. I'm going to make sure everybody on this island gets a new shot at life. Including myself.
I fire the flare, my eyes following its light in the dark sky. And I catch myself thinking that this light represents my life right now... There is hope for me. And this hope is named Kate. That is if she can forgive me for leaving her behind the way I did, but somehow I know she will.
I feel calm, a sense of peace having just washed over me.
I'll see her again.
