Question of Finality

Chapter 2, "Arrow"

"Only love is like an arrow to your heart; the more you try to take it out, the more pain and blood you get"

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He came down to her station almost immediately, his focus solely and primarily on her. The sexual tension and attraction that lay between them crackled and sparked, and both of them did their best not to notice.

Both of them did their best not to notice the way that their skin inflamed whenever a part of them touched, the way that their breath and heartbeat quickened whenever their glances had met for a socially unacceptable amount of time.

Both of them tried so hard not to notice that they knew so much about each other, that they thought the same thoughts, that they had the same mannerisms...

Both of them tried not to notice that every night they went to sleep with each other's faces in their mind's eye, woke up with each other's names on their lips.

Both of them desperately tried not to notice the longing in each others eyes for fear of falling in, or rather, falling deeper than they already had.

He spoke to her quickly, with a small smile like he always did, and told her of recent events and brought her up to speed on all the matters at hand. In the middle of his speech, his cell phone rang and with a look of apology, he turned, put it up to his ear and answered it with his usual greeting.

The business- like demeanor immediately softened and his tone turned friendly.With a stab to her stomach, Michelle realized that it was probably a girl. Friend. More than a friend, actually, probably... More than likely. Yeah, Tony had a friend. Who was a girl. Who was more than a friend.

She felt sick immediately and acted like she was doing her work, all the while the wheels worked in her head, trying to sort out her bitter and hurt feelings. She rationalized with herself... Tony was her best friend, nothing more. She had no reason to feel jealous or hurt, she loved him.

In a totally friendly way, and NOTHING MORE.

She kept repeating that mantra in her head. It did nothing to soothe or alleviate her hurt or frustration. It was a bold faced lie and she knew it, she knew exactly what she felt- she had only been feeling these particular fucking feelings for four years!

The nagging in her head began to give it an annoying ache and she told herself that she was going to focus.

Focus.

Focus.

Focus.

Tony was still on the phone, his back turned and his voice low, his eyes darting back and forth, but his trademark smirk still planted firmly on his face. He finished the conversation abruptly, looked to Michelle. She pretended to still be working, tried not to see him look at her with his brow furrowed for a moment before finishing his earlier sentiments and ideas about the day's activities. She pretended to be interested, took his information in, put it to short term memory and then watched him with a sigh as he walked up the concrete stairs with a new found swagger in his step.

Michelle watched him sadly, the tears already welling in her eyes at the thought of someone making Tony that happy... that someone that wasn't herself. In that moment, she hated herself, hated the selfish thoughts that consumed and patronized her. It was her fault that she couldn't touch him, couldn't feel him , kiss him. All because she was so fucking superstitious and foolish to believe in a stupid promise that she had made to a God that she wasn't even sure existed in a moment of panic and sheer desperation.

She had realized a long time ago, however, that the suspicion and superstition was what kept her from going after him. She was afraid that if she didn't stick to her promise, Tony would be taken from her...that she would never see him again, and it would be her fault, that she had killed him. She knew that a life without Tony was far worse than a life where she just had Tony as her friend, as a person that she depended on and respected. She could never allow her own selfish motivations get in the way of his life, as juvenile and silly as it seemed that she could be basing the whole basis of her life on one deal with... God. She didn't even want to think about it anymore!

Her inner ramblings were interrupted by the phone ringing at her desk. With a sigh at the annoying and all too familiar sound, she answered it, breathing only her last name in greeting. Tony was on the other end. She felt her heart clench in her chest in a combination of pain and anticipation. She hated the feeling because it always had her in its grasp. H asked her to come to his office and she told him yes quickly before hanging up and making her way towards her destination.

She made the familiar trip in silence, her mood already not at its finest. She didn't dislike her job, quite the opposite really, she just always became flustered and frustrated with herself. More often than not, it was because of Tony. No matter how much she tried to shake the feelings she had for him off, they didn't seem to budge, didn't seem to slip in the slightest. She hated that she loved him so much, that he had such a profound impact on her life and the way that she lived it.

She reached his door, took a breath and pushed through to the other side. There Tony sat, the grin from earlier still plastered on his face. She wanted to hit him, wanted to scream at him, but she found herself smiling back instead involuntarily, the corners of her mouth acting upon their own authority, like she always did. She could never stay mad at him for too long... he always ended up making her laugh or hugging her... it always made up for everything.

He skipped pleasantries and cut straight to the point. The news nearly knocked her to the floor.

"I just got off the phone with Walt from Langley, Michelle," he said, " and they want me."

She stared at him with wide eyes for a moment, gaping at him like the idiot she felt like. Stunned silence filled the room and she could feel the clenching in her chest begin again, tighter this time, all the more painful. His brow furrowed at her expression and he reached out to touch her on the arm.

Jesus, why couldn't it have been a woman on the phone?

She never thought she'd hear herself think those thoughts, but she faced reality in that moment. A woman was a hell of a lot easier to compete with for his attention... she wouldn't even be in the picture if he were 3,000 miles away...

"Michelle," he repeated, "Did you hear me? I got it! I actually got it!" His face reflected the joy and pride he felt.

She forced herself to move then, put a smile on her face for the hundredth time already that day, and moved to him, kissing him on the cheek before wrapping her arms around his neck in a warm hug.

"Congratulations, Tony," she could hear herself whispering, "I'm so happy for you."

They stayed that way for a moment as he hugged her back. She closed her eyes, relished in the moment, one that they had shared thousands of times before. Rejoicing and hugging at good news, comforting each other in times of terror and isolation... She took a deep breath, took in his scent and felt herself getting lost in his embrace.

Tony was the first to pull away, his arms extended, still on Michelle's waist. She looked at him, caught his eyes. He knew something was off.

"Michelle," he said, brushing a loose curl from her face, " What's wrong?"

He saw the conflict on her face and she tried to move her face from his line of sight. He put his hand under her chin and made her look at him.

"Langley is a long way away," she said quietly, moving her eyes down, and finally processing the information. Langley was in Washington D.C., at the other end of the country. When he had been talking, the soothing tone he had been speaking to her had nearly been her undoing.

His heart had dropped then, his pulse quickened as he heard her response. Did she... what exactly was she saying? Ignoring the urge to ask the question that was on his tongue, he merely nodded, urged her in his actions to continue.

She looked at him then, her deep brown eyes focusing in on his own. Her lips moved and she felt the urge to confess to him what she felt, about how much she loved him. She felt a tiny semblence of truth spill from her lips.

"I'll miss you," she whispered, her eyes still locked in his.

He tilted his head back, trying to decipher what she meant. God, could she... Did she...? His confusion showed on his face and he felt Michelle sigh and begin to back out of his embrace. He held onto her tighter, however, and caught her attention, putting his palm against her cheek.

"Michelle," he said calmly, a look of confusion and conflict now present on his on features, " What... what are you saying here?"

She couldn't meet his eyes, felt moisture already rising in her own, but he made her. His hand felt warm against her cheek and as he put it there, she closed her eyes, allowing tears to drop onto his hand.

Words escaped her for long moments as she struggled to find the words, struggled to find breath. They were silent, and had unconsciously moved closer to one another. Her eyes still closed, she felt Tony whisper her name.

She opened them again, saw that he was alarmingly close, his loose arm wrapped tightly around her waist still.

"I..." he said, his voice halting, his mouth open as if he wanted desperately to say something that obviously meant something important.

She stood with bated breath, unconsciously moved her eyes to his lips. She could feel his breath grow ragged and shallow, begin to mingle with her own as he tried to spit his words out, tried to tell her what he wanted. The hand on her cheek moved down, slid to her neck, where his thumb moved in circles. Her stomach knotted and she knew even now what she was doing was against the rules.

And God help her, she didn't care.

When they fell silent again, she found her voice.

"You what?" she breathed, surprised at the strength and vitality of her own voice.

He moved his face mere centimeters from her own, brushed her lips with his thumb. Looked to her eyes once more and felt her weave her arms somewhat hesitantly around his neck. He closed his eyes, hoped she would do the same.

Behind them, the phone rang.

They jumped apart, startled and slightly unaware of their surroundings. Tony shot her a look of longing before going straight to the phone. Jack was on the other end, telling him that he needed him in the field to find the target, a young and probably stupid nineteen year old kid. He told him to give him a few minutes, but Jack, some what irritable, demanded that he meet him downstairs at that moment. As he got off the phone with a scowl on his face, he looked at her, standing awkwardly in the center of the room, cheeks still flushed. He told her what he was to do, put her in charge as he gathered his jacket and cell phone.

Michelle merely nodded, still somewhat in a daze from their near encounter. As he walked by her, he put his hand on her cheek, looked into her eyes, promised to talk when they got back. She gave him a weak smile and nodded dumbly, swallowed the lump in her throat. With one last look, he was gone, out the door and down the stairs.

After he left, she sat herself down in his seat, called all the analysts to tell them that she was in charge for the time being. After that was done, she sat at his chair, put her head in her hands, wondering only where all of her control had gone. She didn't know what she'd do if anything happened to Tony because of her weakness and inability to keep her mouth shut. She looked towards the sky, waiting for some type of recognition or sign. She was only faced with silence.

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Tony made it to the mall in a short amount of time, located the target easily. He called his name, asked him nicely to come back to CTU so they could help him.

He never saw the man with the gun behind him. But he felt the bullet enter his neck, and saw the images of Michelle flash through his head as he clutched at the blood that was now flowing through his clasped fingers.

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The news hit CTU fast. Kim yelled to her as soon as she heard about the gunshots, and saw the look of panic hit her face when she was explaining the situation.

"Michelle!" Kim yelled, " Gunshots were fired at the Mall! Either Tony or Jack were hit!"

The call to confirm her horrible suspicions came only moments later and she felt the bile rising in the back of her throat as Jack spoke to her, apologized and told her that her "best friend" was going to be alright. That he needed her to focus, to be the leader that he knew she was. She agreed in a halting and grief stricken voice. Jack thanked her as the line disconnected.

At Kim's look of pity, Michelle snapped at her, ordered data and figures, felt guilt bubbling to the surface of her calm and hard facade. Chloe requested data, Adam argued. Michelle went upstairs.

As her co-workers looked on, Michelle made it to Tony Almeida's office before crumpling into his floor, tears finally spilling forth onto her face. She felt the sobs rise and crest for a few moments before she maintained control, realized the show she was giving and stood up, brushing herself off for effect. She made it to the computer before she looked up to the sky once again and apologized for her transgressions.

Even with her intense denial over the actions she had taken those three years ago, she could not deny the feelings of fear and disbelief over the events that had transpired only minutes ago.

She apologized over and over again, looking to the ceiling for relief, once again for some type of answer. When she was met with silence once again, she hung her head in shame, fear and guilt.

Her love, her actions.. they'd hurt him.

She had hurt him.

And now, she may as well have killed him.

The grief overwhelmed her, but she quelled it, only hoping for a miracle and Tony's quick and speedy recovery.