Question of Finality

Chapter 3, "Anguish"

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has left me feedback- your comments have all been really nice and very well appreciated... I hope that everyone is liking the story... I think at this point, it's really going to spin off and become very much "my season 3"..I want to keep the basic plot line, but there will also be some things that happen that, well, didn't. Hope you like the outcome when it's all said and done :). -Wit

"Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."-Eugene Ionesco

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The knowledge that she had, that she was responsible for Tony's condition nearly made her knees buckle in grief. She hated herself in this moment, closed her eyes and saw blood, saw Tony clutching at his neck in pain, heard him cursing her name as he died. Her breath became shallow as she pictured the man she had been hugging mere moments ago falling to the ground, covered in his own blood, dying all alone,without her or anyone else by his side, helpless as people scrambled around him trying to leave with only their own lives in tact, not caring about the person not ten feet away from them, bleeding out.

Anger entered her tears, also in these moments, and she knew she was unnecessarily angry at the innocent bystanders at the mall. She saw them, also, scared, looking down on his blood soaked skin and screaming...

She muffled the guilty and bitter sob that rose within her with her hand, choked on it, forgot for a moment to breathe, and then once she had her mistake realized, she put all of her focus on this activity.

Breathe in, breathe out, she willed within herself.

In.

-Tony-

Out.

-God, I'm so sorry, Tony...-

In.

-This is all my fault.-

Out.

-If he dies...his blood will be on your hands-

In.

-You love him-

Out.

-That love will kill him.-

In.

-Your selfishness has already cost him so much.-

Out.

-You will never be enough for him.-

In.

-He will never love you... he can't.-

Out.

-I love him. I FUCKING LOVE HIM.-

In.

But he can never know.

In.

-

In.

-

In.

-

Before she knew it, her breath was hitching, her shoulders shaking. She felt the wail rip from her throat, just like she felt the concrete floor rush up to meet her. But she never heard the anguish in her cries.

-

-

-

At her cry, Jack, who was back in the building to receive the next round of data and information, raced up the stairs and into Tony's office. He found her on the floor with her hands cradling her head, shuddering, her shoulders shaking with the force of her cries. He sighed and closed his eyes, felt something inside of him soften up. He knew he should feel angry or frustrated- she was the one who was supposed to be in charge, she couldn't show emotion or be side tracked by a simple, albeit strong, feeling.

Jack ,however, knew that Michelle did not do this often, that if she were in the right state of mind or emotion that she would be doing her job, no question. He understood, and in this moment of compassion, he crouched over her, touched her shoulder in an uncharacteristic act of comfort. She turned to look at him, mascara running in streaks on her face, her cheeks flushed from the onslaught of wet, heaving sobs.

He spoke softly to her, soothingly. Her face crinkled in grief further, more tears spilling onto her flushed cheeks. He brought her head to his chest, felt her breath and tears begin to settle onto his shirt. Felt her shake and talk to him, felt himself begin close his eyes.

She mumbled, pulled back. Looked into his eyes, opened her mouth to say something.

An apology was the first thing to tumble from her lips. He shook his head, told her it was alright, that he knew that her and Tony were close- that he was going to be okay. She closed her eyes at his empty promises.

"You don't know that!" she snapped, her mouth turning grim. His eyebrows jutted up in response. He had worked with Michelle for almost four years now, and he had never seen her act the least bit angry or upset. Both emotions by which she was portraying at the moment.

"You don't know that he's not going to die!" She yelled, now on her knees, her body hunched over, her breathing uneven. "You... God, Jack..." Her voice broke, and then sobs overtook her. He pulled her closer, trying to soothe her. But he didn't know how to act, didn't know how to make it better. The way she was acting, he would've thought that Tony were already dead. And she wasn't exactly acting as if her best friend were in the hospital, suffering from a bullet would, rather... that her life were over, that she... that Tony was her...

Wait.

The thought struck him quickly, stunned him. Were Tony and Michelle..?. He quelled the thought quickly, however. This particular thought was ridiculous... Tony and Michelle did everything together, they went out for coffee all the time, went out for drinks. They were inseparable. God, how many times had he offered Tony to go out for drinks for with, just to unwind after a long and stressful day after work? Every single time he had, he had been with the same response. Tony looked at him with a smile on his face, thanked him for the offer and then told him that he already had plans "that are set in stone" with Michelle. His friend, the person that he told everything to. Jack had only ever gotten him out once with him because Michelle had been on vacation. Jack had been relieved to go out with one of the guys from work, someone he worked with and trusted who was.. well, male. He loved his daughter but good God... the hormones were killing him.

He remembered the night vividly, even though he had ended up slightly drunk. The memories flooded him now as he held Michelle. He remembered how the more Tony drank, the more the person in question's name spilled from his lips, how much he'd bragged on her, how much affection was obvious in his tone when he spoke about her. He remembered when they were sober, how she had called him "just to tell him that she got in safely". He remembered the look on Tony's face when he saw the name come up on the caller I.D.

All of the males at CTU knew Michelle Dessler, knew what she looked like, knew that she was what they liked. She got hit on often enough. They all got turned down often enough- and then scowled at by the man who talked to her on a regular basis... but "had no feelings for her like that."

All of the females at CTU knew Tony Almeida, knew what he looked like, knew that he was what they liked. He got hit on all the time. They got turned down all the time- and then scowled at by the woman who went out with him on a regular basis but "had no feelings for him like that."

That smile on his face. The smile that came upon her face when he came in any room at work... The way she was acting in that moment...

Jesus.

It was so fucking obvious, why the hell hadn't he or anyone else seen it before? How blind was he?

Michelle Dessler and Tony Almeida were head over heels, over the fucking moon in love with each other.

He groaned audibly and Michelle, her tears almost dried upon her face, looked at him. Scowled at him. ...A scowl akin to the one that she gave when someone.. hit on Tony. The groan returned.

"What's wrong, Jack?" she asked, "I didn't hurt you or anything, did I?" She began to remember the last couple of minutes then, closed her eyes and sighed at her weakness.

"God, Jack. I'm sorry, I got make up all over your shirt... Damn it, I'm sorry that I was so unprofessional..."

She rambled for a few moments, apologizing for her unprofessional behavior and lack of control under a stressful situation. Jack didn't catch any of it, however. He was too wrapped up in the thoughts that were now swimming in his head. He felt all of the moments with Michelle and Tony clicking together, felt himself putting all the puzzle pieces together.

He'd never felt like a bigger idiot in his life.

This normally professional, calm, collected woman was acting like the most important person in her life had just been maimed, murdered and burst to a crisp.

And now he knew why. The words slipped out before he had a chance to contain them.

"You love him." He blurted. His hand flew up to his mouth and his eyes went wide in a very uncharacteristic action.

Her eyes widened slightly and she attempted to brush the accusation off.

"Of course I love him, Jack. He's my best friend." she said softly, hoping he would just drop the subject. Her avoidance of the matter, however, had the opposite effect on him. He stood up suddenly, a stubborn look on his face. He hauled her up with him as well, looked at her sternly and spoke again.

"No," he said calmly, seriously, "You're in love with him, Michelle." She gave no response, started to open her mouth in denial.

"Don't lie to me," he said in a low voice before she had a chance to get anything out.

Why in the hell did this matter so much to him?

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes again for what seemed like... God, she'd lost count of how many tears she'd cried. Anger welled up within her then, making her face red and her fingers bite into the smooth flesh of her palm, turning the skin there white.

"What in the hell is it to you, Jack? Why do you give a damn?" she yelled at him, her hair in disarray, mascara staining her cheeks, tears dancing in her eyes. She was a mess, she knew it. But she didn't need this man, Tony's friend of all people, patronizing her for what she felt for him.

He said nothing, only stared at her. He was practically fucking interrogating her! He was waiting for a response, she knew that. But she didn't and wouldn't give him the satisfaction, wouldn't allow him to embarrass her.

So she stared back, her eyes narrowed, venom practically spewing from her every pore.

'Say something, Jack.' She could practically hear her head whispering. She wanted him to give her a reason to hit him, to hurt him... to just. God... she just wanted to hate and be angry at someone right now other than herself.

Silence. Another couple of minutes passed. He stared. She stared. She felt herself cracking, felt herself become all to aware of the deafening silence that surrounded both of them, felt the tension in the room. All she could hear was her breath, deep and heavy... the pounding of her heart in her throat. Felt veins, thick and pulsating, start to throb in her head. She wanted to move her hands up to it, cradle it, to try and relieve some sort of tension that was now prominent and overwhelming in her body.

The clock on Tony's desk ticked.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

His eyes were boring into her, and still the beating of her heart, the rushing of her blood through her veins pounded in her head. Jesus... silence... she just wanted silence.

Or something deafening to block everything thing else out. She took a deep, slow breath and exhaled and suddenly felt very tired. She felt anger drain out of her quickly and felt her shoulders slump out of sheer exhaustion. Jack watched her actions with interest, then looked at his watch. He'd been up here nearly twenty minutes. When he looked away from her, she spoke softly, almost defeatedly. She looked down when speaking, couldn't meet his eyes.

"I love him. I love Tony, Jack." She looked up to meet his eyes them, a sad smile present on her features. "You have no idea..." She trailed off as her voice began to become muddled with tears once again. She cleared her throat, unwilling to become emotional in front of him again.

"I love him so much, Jack. And today, with all of this shit going on, Tony being gunned down... Jesus, it was all my fault and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to make it all okay." She paused .

"How do I deal when it's all my fault?" she said, her voice in almost a whisper.

His expression immediately turned to one of confusion. Her fault?

"What do you mean, Michelle?" he asked with interest.

She wouldn't tell him. "It's a long story, Jack. And I don't need, I can't afford to take any more of you time." She started to walk back over to her desk, started to sit down, but he followed, grabbing her elbow.

She looked up at him, passively, looking from her arm which was held in his hand to his face. She then turned to her computer screen.

She spoke, detatched.

"I promised someone a long time ago that I would let him go, Jack. That if they allowed him to live that I would let him go, never let my real feelings show for him. I slipped today, Jack. I slipped... and I...I was weak, I almost kissed him today right before you left for the mall. If Tony dies... It's all my fault."

Jack's mouth was agape, his expression one of anger and question. Michelle had promised some person... a terrorist...? No, no. That didn't make sense. She could practically hear the wheels begin to turn in his head.

Sensing that she was going to say nothing more, he turned to leave. A few seconds passed, and he was halfway out the door when he heard her toss the words over her shoulder.

"God, Jack." He turned to see her looking at him, an embarrassed expression on her face. "I promised God."

The answer perplexed him but he nodded to her, then went through the doors completely.

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Not twenty minutes later, he was on his way to the prison, on the phone with the President of the United States, giving him a professional farewell.

Not thirty minutes later, he was unconcious on a plane, surrounded by the Salazars.

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Back at CTU, Michelle watched in horror as Jack infiltrated the prison and took Salazar as a hostage. The horror intensified as she saw him fly away in a helicopter, unaware of their possession of Kyle Singer.

A few minutes later, Gael was found to be a traitor. It was in the interrogation room that he finally broke, telling them all of the plan that Tony, Jack, and himself had conspired. After the admission, the order came down from Division ,in the form of Chapelle.

"Almeida's out of surgery, he's gonna be okay," he told her.

She closed her eyes and braced herself against her desk in relief.

"I need him here, though," He said.

She opened her mouth to protest... he had just gotten shot for Christ Sake!

He saw what she intended to do and silenced her. "No, Michelle. He has to be here...he has to tell us what in the hell he's pulling here! I know you guys are close or whatever, so I'm sending you to go pick him up." He turned on his heel, leaving her staring after him. She went upstairs to gather her things, grabbed her keys, and left for the hospital.