Question of Finality
Chapter 6, "Slow Suicide"
"Slow suicide, like it or not, it's what we do."-Jameson Parker, "Slow Suicide"
Author's Note: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! After the last two episodes, who needs a little therapy? (raises hand)... Along with this story, I'm working on something else, too, which is very much therapeutic fluff. (sigh) Poor Tony and Michelle... and even EDGAR! Also, thanks for the fantastic feedback- it is greatly appreciated. If you feel generous, feel free to drop some more :)!
Chapelle's order usually would have made her a little uneasy and even now, it didn't make her feel warm and fuzzy. As he was telling her of the details, she felt her stomach turn a bit at the thought of going out into the field on today of all days. As far as she was concerned, today would go down in her book as one of the worst.
The distraction however, she reasoned, would be welcomed. Never mind if it made her feel uneasy, she could go and concentrate wholly on the efforts of a well-balanced plan, leave little thought to her emotional state or the man who held all of her in the palm of his hand. Chapelle had whispered the plan to her while they had been in a conference. The exchange hadn't been noticed by anyone and her quick departure didn't need to be explained. Michelle was often sent on tasks throughout the day- no one thought anything of it. When she reappeared, however, many people thought something of it.
Tony, and the majority of the male population of CTU thought a lot of it. When he, and the rest of them, saw Michelle Dessler walk out into the open, clad in tight black pants, a black t shirt and a matching black leather blazer, metal brief case in hand, his throat had initially gone dry- his mind had shut off. His mouth, he wasn't really proud to admit, hung open, wide and gaping. He tells himself that he had looked like a dolt- and he had. People probably would have noticed... had they not been staring at Michelle Dessler... once again, clad in tight clothes... and black leather.
He broke his gaze on her for a few seconds, looked around the building to see if anyone else was seeing what he was... to see if the day was just getting to him, or if the pain medication they had him on was causing hallucinations. He saw, however, all of the other male workers of CTU doing what they did best: ogling the girl that he had feelings for. As his head began to function again, he walked toward her, meeting her halfway with a grim look on his features. He didn't like how this was going. He quickly began to piece everything together: the outfit she was in was regulation field ops gear, and though she wore it well... and quite more attractively than most of the agents on staff, it was what it was- which led him to the assumption that she was going on a mission- a dangerous one at that.
She barely registered his presence as he walked to meet her, engulfed in the task of checking her watch and securing the case in her hand, until he said her name and gently grasped her elbow. He asked her what she was doing with a slight edge to his voice. She told him of Chapelle's plan, that she was to head up the team to track down and secure the virus at the fore mentioned location- the Chandler Plaza Hotel.
Tony's face went pale and his eyes wide at her words. With most of the building staring in on them, his hand tightened on her elbow and his voice rose a couple of notches.
"Michelle," he said, her name sound rough and edgy on his lips, "You know you're not up for that. After today, you should be in a hospital, not going out on some mission that could possibly kill you!..."
His words angered her- she reasoned with herself that his words were not right, were not ones of compassion but simply of jealousy and anger. This built the fire within her to an even greater level. Her mouth turned upward in a sarcastic smile and her own words came out harshly, laced with venom, a cold, humorless bark of laughter coming out with them.
"You're one to talk, aren't you, Tony? The white knight, always going into save the day? You were shot in the neck how many hours ago, Tony, and you're back here at work? Don't tell me what I can and can't handle, Tony. I'm a little beat up but I can and will do anything I can to do the job I'm here to do."
Her eyes stayed locked into his through out all of her speech, her gaze burning into his. He looked conflicted, the expression on his face of both anger and absolute disbelief at her words. Michelle had never talked this brazenly about him personally- they'd had their differences about work enough times when they disagreed on something tactical or of the sort, but she'd never attacked him personally.
He could feel the hurt welling inside of him due to her defensiveness, but he covered it with anger instead.
"White knight? Don't patronize me for doing my fucking job, Michelle!" he shouted at her, both of his hands now clutching at her arms roughly. His face was turning red as his temper got the better of him.
"You don't have any right to speak to me about that, I was ordered to go and I went, you would've done the same! I..." He looked down then as he realized the situation they were in. He was acting like an ass because he was worried about her. He looked around him at the people watching their display with interest.
Across from him, Michelle's chest was heaving with barely contained anger and hurt. She didn't know what she had done to deserve his sudden onslaught of anger. She had said something unnecessary to him that would warrant an apology, she knew that, but she had been bombarded by his quick anger. She regretted her words, regretted that she let him get to her on such an important day.
With a sigh, she saw him compose himself, felt him release her arms from his vice-like grip. She felt his eyes begin to search out her own, but avoided them until she couldn't pull away from him anymore. He said her name, softly but firmly, and apologized. Before she could get a word out edgewise, Chapelle's voice broke through their conversation.
"Tony," he said stalely by way of greeting, "I need you to set up surveillance and perimeters on Michelle's mission over to the Chandler Plaza Hotel."
Tony's words came out before he could stop them- he argued and looked for some way, any to keep her away from any type of situation that could have dangerous implications attached to it Michelle remained wordless throughout the exchange, instead focusing in on Tony and his obvious disapproval of her out in the field. She didn't understand what the problem was- she had experience.
The argument came to a close as Chapelle spouted off facts about her qualifications. Tony sighed deeply and scratched at his face in frustration. Chapelle walked off and commanded Michelle to get going over his shoulder. Without hesitation, Michelle went to move. Tony caught her arm, spoke to her in a gentler voice.
"You and I both know I can have someone else do this from division, Michelle. You don't have to do this." His eyes, his voice, were almost pleading.
She looked down at the ground, then back up again as she thought the situation over.
"No," she finally said, her own voice soft but steely. "It's right that it's me to go."
He stared back at her for a long moment, his brow wrinkled in an indistinguishable expression. He finally sighed and nodded his head.
"Alright," he said wearily, "But I want an update every fifteen minutes!" She nodded and turned to go. She heard her name again and turned back for a final time.
He didn't like the desperate feeling that was consuming him at the moment. He had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach when he thought about all of the things that could happen to her.
His voice was fragile as he grasped at straws.
"Be careful, sweetheart. Please.. I..." He caught and composed himself, swallowed noticeably. She nodded, wide eyed. He cut the exchange off, backing away slowly. She turned her own back and went on her way in response, her mind whirling in confusion at his words.
-
-
-
She knew that going into the hotel without any haz-mat gear was probably not what Tony would have considered "careful", but she made the decision on a whim, alarmed at the prospect that the man they believed to be carrying the virus had been in the hotel for over thirty minutes. She didn't think about the consequences, only saw the people inside the building in her mind's eye.
She'd gone in, gotten a possible location on Alvers. She'd found him in the basement in a disguised, had locked him to a pipe and beaten him until he had given her the right information. She radioed to Gael, told him where the virus was located.
It was mere minutes later that she received confirmation- that the virus had been released in the ventilation system, Gael directly exposed.
The call to Tony had been difficult to say the least. She told of Alvers' capture, of their conversation, of the information that verified that were eleven other viles of the virus.
His questions alarmed her and she was silent after he asked them.
His voice came through once again on the telephone, repeating himself.
"Michelle," he said, "Why did you let Alvers outside the hotel if he might have been exposed to the virus?"
She took a deep breath, still quiet. He repeated her name again, more demanding.
"He's not outside," she said calmly.
Panic flooded him on the other end as pieces of the scenario came together.
"Are you inside!" he yelled at her, his eyes going wide at the possibility.
" I wasn't trying to be a hero, Tony." she spoke softly, her eyes closing at his tone of voice. He sighed, fear lacing its way through his blood vessels.
"What is the HELL are you doing in there?" he yelled at her again.
She closed her eyes, told him that it was the only way. He ordered her out in that moment in desperation. With a resiginated voice, she told him she could not comply. As he tried to pull rank on her, she reminded him that she was exposed, that she was the only ranking officer on site. He unwillingly agreed, told her of their progress. With very little further conversation, they disconnected. Tony hung his head in sadness for a few long moments before he got on the phone with NHS.
-
-
-
The next hours passed slowly for Michelle. The hellish slowness was peppered with slight alleviations throughout the experience- Tony's phone calls. Though they had very little personal sentiment, they relieved her from the situation slightly.
Gael started showing symptoms within the first hour they were there. Fear consumed her in that moment, and it was a rat race to see how fast they could contain all of the people in the building after a rogue employee had pulled the fire alarm in panic.
She lied to the people of the hotel, told them a story of a substance being released outside of the hotel. One of the smarter, less gullible guests had caught on quickly, tried to escape. She'd fired her gun in the air once, twice, in warning. The guest hadn't listened.
She'd shot him twice in the back after he shattered a window to the hotel. She'd gone slightly numb after, simply trying to move over to the intercom to finally tell the guests the truth of the entire situation.
She was on the phone with Tony only minutes later, had let him comfort her and tell her it was the right thing to do. She wasn't quite sure that she believed him, but held tightly onto the terrifying picture in her head of the number of people who could've died a horrible death if the man had been allowed to leave.
The terrifying picture in her head came into life only a few minutes later as guest after guest began to show symptoms. Within the next two hours, victims had been contained behind a curtain, she had been tested and sent to do mundane tasks in order for the time to pass more quickly. It didn't.
Tony's calls became more frequent with the passing time, checking on the progress made... and her condition. With every call, her voice became less guarded... she entertained the thought of telling him that she loved him every time she hung up. She dismissed the thought, however. It sounded ridiculous to even imagine the words.
When she saw Miguel die, though, saw his body, riddled with the disease, her point of view changed radically.
She called Tony in near hysterics, told him of Gael's death- told him of her plan to stop the suffering of the people. Suicide capsules. She told him that was what she would want. It was the first she had spoken of her probable death, but not the first time the thought had entered her mind.
When he called to confirm that the capsules were on their way, the thought, the notion of telling him her feelings entered into her head once again.
"Michelle, they're on their way." He said, his voice tired.
She thanked him quietly, updated him on the situation. Then, decided to actually talk to him on a personal level.
"Tony," she said, her voice small, "I know we've both been talking around this.. but if I'm infected..."
He stopped her, told her he didn't want to talk about this while there was still a chance. She placated him, told him that it was okay. There was a slight silence on the phone before she heard herself utter words that sounded foreign to her own ears.
"Tony," she whispered, " I just wanted you to know, these last three years, they've been the best of my life. Being so close to you, just... Tony..." another pause, a large intake of breath, "You'll never know how much I care about you."
A large sigh could be heard on the other end of the phone as he took a breath to steady himself.
"Michelle," he said, his voice breaking, "I should be there with you..."
"You are, Tony, you are..."
"No," he uttered, pained, "It's not the same. Michelle... what I was going to say in the office earlier.."
Another pause. Silence.
"I love you."
Silence greeted him. He grimaced, wondering if he'd misread her or gone too far.
She felt her head and her heart conflict, still so afraid that she had crossed a line, that he would be punished for her trespasses on Their agreement. But rationally, she knew she was going to die. She knew that it didn't matter, that her fate was as good as sealed.
For the first time, she spoke what she felt to the man she loved. She told him. And felt the tension that had been building for three years come off of her chest in one single, cresting wave.
"I love you, Tony. So much. I..." Her voice broke, and she closed her eyes both in relief of the tension and the finality of the statement. If her fate hadn't been sealed before, it was now.
After their admission, they were forced to once again talk about business. As they were wrapping up their conversation, she once again reminded him of the capsules. He told her he'd do everything he could for her.
With a smile in her voice and tears in her eyes, she whispered to him.
"I know you will, Tony," she said, reverence in her voice, "I know you will."
They hung up.
Tony put his head in his hands in an awkward combination of grief and joy.
Michelle went back to work, seemingly undisturbed.
That was before the results of the test came back, and her world was turned completely upside down.
