"I…I cannot help but wonder, Revan. What would have happened, had our positions been reversed? What if fate had decreed I would be captured by the Jedi? Could I have returned to the light, as you did? If you had not led me down the dark path in the first place, what fate would I have found?"
Revan clutches her side, but it is the question that burns her, more than his blade ever could. Ever since they first met on the Leviathan, ever since he fought her and hid behind blast doors, the question torments her, keeps her awake at night: what have I done to him? And part of her resents him, wants to lash out at him for blaming her, tell him his path was his and his alone, that he didn't have to fall with her, and yet he chose to. Deep down, she knows better. His eyes bore into her, pleading for an answer. She doesn't know. But those are his final moments, and the distress in his tone moves her. He coughs again, still looking up at her.
"Yes," she says, "we all deserve a second chance."
She doesn't know if she believes it, doesn't think she deserved anything, but it feels like the right thing to say, and it might be. Malak doesn't smile, not really – how could he? – but there's hope in his voice as he manages to speak again.
"Are you sure about this, Revan?"
And that is when the present fades into the background. Now, of all times, she remembers.
The two of them shake and pant, training swords still in hand as they lean against a coarse pillar.
"Glad this is just for sport," he smiles, and she understands they must have sneaked out of the enclave to spar in the ruins. "You're the smallest person to ever beat me."
"Is this you pretending I don't know about that match against Vandar?" she smirks.
"Fine. The smallest human, then."
They laugh. His forehead touches her and her lips reach up for his – full, soft, whole.
"Are you sure about this, Revan?" he breathes against her mouth.
"Yes."
She kisses him, and the memory fades.
She looks into his eyes. They'd been a beautiful shade, not so different from that of the ocean the Hawk very nearly crashed into. Now they are rimmed with red and glisten with unshed tears. What a mess they have both made.
She kneels at his side and brings a hand to his stomach, reaching out through the Force, but fails to heal his wounds.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. She doesn't know exactly what for, doesn't know all that she's done – all that they've done – but she is.
Malak reaches for her hand, but lacks the strength to keep hold of it. She presses a kiss to his forehead.
"I wish I remembered more. I'm sorry."
She pulls back and looks down at his wounds, and sees that the blood has stopped pouring. For a second, Revan thinks he's gone, but there's a pulse in his wrist and he closes his hand on hers.
He tries to speak, but only coughs, and the platform rattles as the bombardment intensifies.
"Go…" he manages, and Revan knows she has to. But something has her rooted here, her legs won't move, her gut churns and she knows: her guilt won't let her leave.
"Re…" he tries again, and this time she snaps out of her paralysis, and uses the Force to hoist him up and throw his arm over her shoulder.
"Don't," he rasps, and Revan hears the blood spattering inside the mask.
"Shut up and hold on," she says, and proceeds to drag him to the hangar. He's almost twice her weight, and they don't have much time, so she calls on the Force again and prays the Ebon Hawk is still there. Somewhere along the way he loses consciousness, and when Revan makes it to the Hawk they both collapse on the metal deck.
"Help!" she shouts, "somebody help!" and she calls on the Force again, gripping onto what life he's got left.
The engines hum and whir and the crew hurtles her way, and all freeze on the spot. Bastila pales. The ship sways as Carth dodges a shot, and Jolee finally speaks.
"Sithspit…"
"Jolee please…" she hates that she's begging him, hates the horror on their faces, but none of it matters now.
Jolee curses under his breath and helps her pick him up. They set him down on one of the bunks, and Jolee shakes his head.
"You know, my sight is not what it used to be, but if this is who I think it is… you're in for a rough patch, kid. Now go get a medkit. And bring me caf. I'll need it."
When she comes back with it, Jolee has removed the prosthetic, and she almost drops his caf. She's seen wounded soldiers before, that is not the question, but this…well, she doesn't know what to make of it. If she stares at it too long, she can almost hear a scream filled with the gurgle of blood. She wonders when it happened, if she was there when it did, if, somehow, she could have stopped it and if it would have changed anything. As if reading her thoughts, Jolee shrugs and hands her the metal jaw.
"Go clean that up."
Her hands shake. She's seen blood before, of course, and it's absurd, really, but this is different and she doesn't know why. What she does know, is that she's cleaning the inside of a man's jaw and that her hands are covered in blood, and that the ship has just landed and that she hears Carths steps closing in, and that she doesn't know how to explain any of it. But the steps come to a halt, and she knows he has seen it. Revan braces herself, prepares to hear him say that she broke his trust, that she is insane, that Malak is too dangerous to be kept alive, but Carth doesn't say anything and waits for her to speak first. It would have been easier if he hadn't.
"I know what you're going to say, Carth."
"Yes? Well I'm not gonna say I like it. And I can't imagine what it's like for Bastila but… it's what she did for you."
She expected anger. Bitterness. Questions. Like after their escape from the Leviathan. After all Revan did… how can any of us forgive her? But there is none of that in his words, just resigned acceptance and somehow, it hurts more.
"That's it?"
"Of course not. This is Darth Malak. He destroyed my life." It was you… you killed my wife, you ravaged my world. You… you destroyed my life. "The simple fact that we're saving his life… it makes me sick, Revan."
She nods. She understands.
"I'm not going to stop you," he adds. "But I'm angry. And the worse part? I know it's not gonna fix things, I know Telos and Taris are gone and there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't just… I can't just stop hating him!"
"I know," she says. "I'm not asking you to."
They look at each other and she knows it's not enough, knows he doesn't understand and wishes he did.
"It's not something I can explain, Carth. I'm not entirely sure why I did it but I… I saw something and I was lost."
"You saw something?"
She puts the mask down and takes a deep breath.
"If I told you you'd just hate me more."
"I don't hate you!" he protests, and she knows it's the truth, but she doesn't want to risk it.
"But you wouldn't understand."
"Was it something you did? Something Revan did?"
She simply nods again.
"Then if you don't tell me, tell Bastila. Or the Council. Or someone. The war is not over, Revan, and if it's anything that can help us win…"
"No it's…" she tries to find the proper wording, one that will stop the heat from rising to her cheeks. She shouldn't feel embarrassed. At least that wasn't a war crime. But she can't just tell him like that. "It's nothing of the sort."
Carth raises an eyebrow, and just for a second she wonders if he's understood, but thinks better of it and turns around to wash her hands.
"I should bring this to Jolee."
"Okay."
She can hear Jolee swear all the way across the corridor.
"Blast it, kid! Will you just keep still! That was enough sedative to knock out a bantha!"
Malak stirs, half awake, and Revan can't tell if he sees her or not but he turns his face away as if to hide it from her. It doesn't work very well.
"He'll live, alright," Jolee says, readjusting the prosthetic. "But he's lucky you got here in time."
"Thank you, Jolee."
He looks at her sternly, and she can tell the conversation is anything but over.
"Did you use a hand grenade?"
"A concussion grenade… I was trying to stun him."
"Well next time you plan on bringing someone to me you let up on the shrapnel, girl. I'm not a medical droid."
"'I'm afraid there wasn't really a plan behind this…"
"Ah! You're telling me. The real question is how you managed to drag this one here. He's a lot more fidgety than he looks."
"Well, he lost consciousness along the way…"
"Yes, that makes sense," he sighs. "Maybe you did stun him, in the end."
Revan shakes her head, but she can't help smiling at Jolee's little quips.
"You should get some rest, kid. You're not out of the bush yet."
He doesn't ask her why she saved him, and for that she is grateful. Perhaps he already knows. Or perhaps not. Perhaps it doesn't matter all that much. She lies down on her bunk and lets the exhaustion carry her into a dreamless sleep.
It's night when she wakes up, but she needs a shower – badly – so she tries to keep quiet and gets out of the bunk.
"What happens now?"
Malak's voice startles her – as if she could have forgotten he was here – and it takes her a while to answer.
"I don't know." She swallows, suddenly very aware of the mess she's gotten herself into. Not that she's made the wrong choice, but there will be… complications. She can't hide him forever, and ultimately, the Republic will make contact.
"Master Vandar is with the fleet," she says, as if that clarifies everything. "So this is when you get the answer to what you asked me earlier."
They won't kill him, at least she doesn't think they will, but apart from that she doesn't know what to expect.
"And what happened then?"
This time, Revan turns around, and tries to meet his gaze in the half-light.
"Then?"
"On the Star Forge."
She can't keep it secret, not from him, but she was not prepared to answer this.
"Well, you fainted and…"
"You know that's not what I meant. Why did you save me?"
Oh, boy. Here we go.
"I don't know why I saved you but… I saw something."
"Something?"
"Us. I think it was the first time I beat you."
She hears him take a deep breath and shift a little.
"Just the duel then?"
She shakes her head.
"I'm pretty sure we were done fighting…"
"You remembered that?" she doesn't know if it's pain or hope that she hears in his voice, but she decides not to dwell on the question.
"Or maybe just part of it," she nods, and there is a long silence after that.
"I, uh… I'll be back in a bit. I smell like a Tauntaun."
When she comes back, he's asleep again, and it's a strange sight, really, the ferocious, fearsome Dark Lord tucked under a too-small cover with his arm dangling out to the side, and for the first time since they escaped the Star Forge, Revan feels a small measure of peace. It will not last, of course, so she allows herself to enjoy it while it does. She tucks herself back in and drowses off to sleep, a smile creeping onto her lips.
