Chapter 4
"The darkness around us might somewhat light up if we would first practice using the light we have in the place we are."
- Henry S. Haskins.
After sending off his patronus (a soft eyed doe) warning the headmaster that he was coming to report, Severus allowed his mind to drift as he trod the familiar pathway between gate and office. This whole situation was patently ridiculous. What did the Dark Lord expect from such an endeavour? Why was it something he had to do? Was this some convoluted way to plant a spy on him? If so, why this woman? Why not somebody a bit more believable? He did not need to know anything about the woman to know she was wildly out of his league. How were they supposed to make this seem anything other than a farce? The Dark Lord seemed intent on this being credible, but nobody outside of their (very specific) social circle was going to believe that he was capable of wooing such a woman.
If he achieved, as he must, the Dark Lords demands, then there would be more problems to deal with. Severus didn't want a wife, he certainly didn't want a child. In fact, he was perfectly happy to end the direct Prince line with himself. Nobody would mourn the loss of his father's line either. He was short tempered and kept his solitude, he did't want company. He liked his living spaces as they were and had no interest in sharing them with a woman who would want to change things, when he preferred them just so. He didn't want his bathroom full of bottles of whatever witches used on their hair and face, nor did he want his bed to be covered in the pillows that he had seen on the bed's of the women he had bedded. He didn't want her touching his books, or moving things in his lab, or rearranging his wardrobe and filling it with silly dresses. He didn't want to have to talk with somebody in the morning before coffee, or to wait until she wanted to go to bed.
No, he was quite fine, quite happy, with things as they were. He was quite fine alone. At least he had always told himself so.
Alarmed to find himself suddenly at the gargoyle which guarded the headmaster's domain, he offered the latest ridiculous password ("Candy floss") with a sneer, and swiftly took the stairs, entering the office at the top without even bothering to knock. He crossed the room in a few strides and all but threw himself into one of the chairs in front of the large desk behind which the Headmaster was ensconced.
"I did not expect to see you again so soon after terms end dear boy. Tea?" Albus smiled, and pointed to the flowery tea set that had just appeared on a parchment free area of his desk. Severus nodded once in ascent, and the older man went about pouring the tea, adding milk and sugar just so, as though they had done this a thousand times. Which, all things considered, they probably had. He floated a flowery cup on a saucer towards his younger colleague, who received it with a scowl, before he took a sip from his own. "Have a biscuit; you look as though you could use one." The headmaster selected one of the assorted biscuits and dunked it into his tea with a smile.
"I did not come here to steal your favourite biscuits Albus." Severus scowled, now at the biscuits, as though somehow they were at fault for his current predicament. The headmaster simply smiled at him again, and he pushed down the anger roaring to get out. Sighing, he pinched the bridge of his nose with the hand not currently occupied by his teacup. "The Dark Lord seems to be under the impression I am in want of a wife." Another sip of tea, and he continued: "He seems to be under the impression I need a very specific wife. He reasons that the Prince line should not die out, and that we need to repopulate," he sneered at this, "the wizarding world once he has it under his control". He focused again on occluding, pushing his building anger behind a mental wall, and was relieved once he could no longer feel the pulsing of blood through his veins, when it had seemed so prominent in the moments before.
"I am most likely not the only one, but since most of the rest of the inner circle are already married, they offer no opportunity for him to … matchmake, if you would." The idea of the snake faced megalomaniac having any interest in such affairs would have made Severus laugh, and that was rare indeed, had he not have been caught up in the mad mans schemes. Albus remained quiet, as he always did when Severus came back from a meeting to report. It was not typically pleasant to recount meetings with the Dark Lord, and typically he wished to get them over and done with so he could slink away to his rooms and (metaphorically) lick his wounds. By most accounts the afternoons meeting had been boring, he had not met his master's wrath, or received an obvious or painful punishment. That, however, was what made him feel uneasy about the entire situation, and uneasy was not an emotion that he typically felt, so he pushed that down as well.
Dumbledore remained quiet for some time, drinking his tea. Finally the old man spoke, a twinkle in his eyes: "It sounds like the decision has been made for you Severus." The younger man rolled his eyes in his response; he knew that twinkle well enough to know it meant the old man was up to no good.
"I've always thought you could do with a confident; you know you never had to carry all this alone." Damn Dumbledore and what he thought; the man might own him, but he never agreed to let him dictate his entire life. Severus placed his cup back on the desk in front of him, no longer trusting himself to not hurl the thing at the headmaster. He could always mend the cup, he was a wizard after all, but no matter how much the man grated on his last nerve, Albus Dumbledore was one of his only friends in the world. Albus Dumbledore was more like a father than the one with whom he shared flesh and blood; despite the fact that he had asked him to do some terrible things in the name of the greater good, some terrible things which haunted his dreams.
Therein lay the problem. He had done terrible things in the name of the greater good, truly terrible things. He was as dark as one could be, even though he attempted to mitigate his crimes as far as was possible, he had done things, things most people would call evil. Long ago, when he was broken from Lily's death and the vow to Albus that he would protect her son, he had told himself he would never let another light go out because of his darkness. So he had never allowed another close, even after he realised that his love for Lily and the pain of her death had turned from a deafening roar to an insistent hum, and then to nothing but the occasional stab of guilt that he was, at least partially, responsible for her demise. If he kept his emotionless mask in place, if he guarded his emotions zealously, even from himself, if he kept people away from him with snide remarks and cutting jibes, then he could never be responsible for wrecking somebody who was still pure. Still pure, when he was dark and broken.
"Severus, I must admit that I have not been entirely honest with you." Dumbledores voice broke him from his thoughts.
"It is never the whole truth with you old man." He snarled, shooting from his seat, stalking to the furthest window from the older man, all his pent up rage suddenly threatening to reach the surface. Dumbledore remained at his desk, refreshing his tea cup as though the other man hadn't violently exploded at the slightest provocation. Severus struggled to retain his anger, fingers grasping the window frame to prevent him from lashing out. He had to retain his control, if he let go of his control he knew what he would do, and he never wanted to lose his control again. Not after that night all those years ago. The loss of control which had led to consequences that only one man knew; the man who had calmly selected another biscuit and dunked it into his tea. "How am I supposed to do this when you cannot even give me the truth!" His voice was more controlled now, although still laced with ire, "I cannot do this when only a few steps of my path are illuminated, not knowing full well that you have a good idea where that path is leading me." He lent forward against the cool glass of the window; his gaze on some distant point, far away across the black lake.
"She will be bound to me Albus. For life. Whether we win or lose, whether I end up in Azkaban or not. She will be free when I die, but she will be sullied by association." He did not care for his own life, he had always known he was damned, from the minute he took that blasted mark on his arm at 17 years old. He could not, however, condemn somebody else, irrelevant of their allegiance. Whether she supported the Dark Lord or not, she would be forever tainted by his blood status, if as a traitor. "If I am found out, then she will die for my failure. She will be tortured until they are sure she knows nothing else, she will be humiliated and sullied, and only then will they let her die. How can you expect me to go through with this farce!" Anger flared again, again it was pushed away.
"You sound very sure that she will not betray you if she works out your allegiance." Albus, as always, saw through his bluster and honed in on something that Severus had not wanted to admit to himself. The younger man raised his head from the glass, pinching his nose with one hand instead, it was a reflex that he had largely broken, it told too much about his inner turmoil. "I just know," his voice was soft, his expression had it been visible to the other man would have been inscrutable. "It's ridiculous, but I just know."
Long minutes of silence followed, before a light knock on the door caused both men's heads to turn their attention toward it. "Enter" said Dumbledore, and Minerva McGonagall entered the room. Severus turned back to the window, missing the woman with dark hair and grey eyes that followed the deputy headmistress. His mind was still focused on why he, who trusted nobody completely, could trust somebody without knowing why. He had been so suddenly, irrationally, angry that he had forgot about Albus' admission on his lack of honesty. At least until he heard the headmaster greet the younger woman: "Welcome back to Hogwarts Master Selwyn."
