AN: This is where things get angsty. Just a warning: it's not going to get any better for a long while.
Part Two
Steveston, Oregon
A couple of weeks later
The neon light from the motel sign outside filtered through the blinds of the window, casting an eerie glow over the darkened room. After having dinner at the local diner, Teal'c and Jonas had decided to check out whatever nightlife was available in the small town of Steveston, Oregon, leaving Sam to return to her room alone. Now as she sat on the bed in silence, she stared out into the empty room and quietly contemplated the recent events in her life.
Lying back on the bed, she rubbed her hands roughly over her face, trying to banish the stress of the past few days. She grabbed the extra pillow on the bed and protectively wrapped her arms around it, curling up into a ball.
She refused to cry. Now was not the time or place. And yet...she missed his reassuring presence so much it was almost physically painful. During the day, she was able to keep her emotions in check. She had buried all of her fear and guilt deep down inside and acted like everything was normal. Over the course of the past few years, she had become an expert at compartmentalizing her feelings. Jonas and Teal'c had no idea of what she was going through. And that was exactly how she wanted it to be.
She was not used to going on missions without him. He was the leader – she was his ever-reliable 2IC. In his absence, she was now the one in charge of this mission. She knew she had to keep it together for her team. And she would try to make him proud.
It had been over a week and they still had not heard any word from the Tok'ra about Jack's condition. Over a week ago, she had witnessed Jack's worst nightmare coming true. Sam cringed and buried her face in the pillow that she clutched in her arms as she recalled the implantation process.
Memories of passively standing by as the symbiote slithered into Jack's open mouth flashed through her mind, haunting her every thought. She remembered standing there, continuing to look on in morbid fascination as the Tok'ra took over his body and worked to heal him.
She recalled with clarity her feelings of helplessness when Kanan's strange voice came from the lips she so loved, knowing full well that the man she loved was now a stranger to her and that the blending went against everything Jack believed in and wanted for himself.
As soon as the implantation was deemed a success, the Tok'ra had politely escorted the contingent from the SGC back to the Gate for a return journey home, making it abundantly clear that their presence was unwelcome at what would be Kanan's debriefing.
Sam had not even been able to say goodbye. Jack did not regain consciousness after the procedure. They only had Kanan's word that he was going to be all right and the ancient virus that had almost killed him had been eradicated.
The Tok'ra had assured them that it would only be a couple of weeks before they returned Jack to the SGC, healthy and symbiote-free. It would take that time for Kanan to report on all of his recent activities and for the Tok'ra to find a suitable replacement host for Kanan.
All the while, Sam continued to go home every night to an empty house, an empty bed. She had never had a problem with being alone before. She actually had used to like going home to the peace and solitude that awaited her.
Since being with him, however, that had all changed. For the first time in years, she desperately longed for someone's presence in her life – more specifically, his presence.
As Sam lay on the unbearably hard motel bed staring straight up at the ceiling, worries filled her head. She closed her eyes tightly, trying unsuccessfully to force herself to relax and sleep. Slowly, insidiously, her guilt, her loss, her need preyed upon her until sleep was no longer possible.
She wondered how he was. More so, she wondered if he had grown to hate her for what she had done – for what she had asked of him. She had resorted to using the worst possible tactic to save his life – emotional blackmail. Yes... it was true that Jack had agreed to the blending only after learning that Kanan had vital information and that the information would be lost without a new host for the symbiote.
But realistically, Sam knew her fear of losing him had driven her to utter those two fatal words – 'Sir...please.' And those words were the only reason he had acquiesced to go through with something so anathema to him.
It made her strangely proud and sickened her at the same time to know that she had that kind of power over him…that he would do something so abhorrent to his own sensibilities for her. It reminded her of something he had once told her in the aftermath of their lovemaking. 'I could never regret needing you like this,' Jack had said. Sam had doubted the truth behind his words then, and she doubted them all the more now.
How could he not regret needing her? He had been betrayed by the person he trusted the most solely to appease her need to save him…her need to not let him die. She tried to justify to herself that it had all been worthwhile because he was alive, but somehow her justifications seemed hollow to her now.
As she finally drifted off to sleep, the only reassuring thought she held was that he would be home soon. She would have him back and she would no longer be alone.
TBC
