Fragile Existence

Chapter One


"Are you ever going to come out of your room?" my father's voice broke the unsettling silence of the atmosphere. "You've been in there for days, don't you think it's time you got some fresh air?" I heard him lean up against my door. I could imagine him standing there folding his arms and shaking his head. He was surprised I had come back to Deling City after all I had been through; I had no choice really; I couldn't go back to Balamb because I didn't belong there. I didn't belong anywhere without Squall.

I tried to stay strong as I confronted my father for the first time after the Sorceress War. It felt like it had been so long since I last saw him, and even though I still despised him, he was the only person I could turn to. I hadn't called him ahead of time to tell him I was coming home, but somehow I knew he would be there. The moment he opened the front door I could feel myself breakdown. I began to cry as I let him comfort me in his arms. It was so awkward, but it felt so right. "I heard what happened," he stated in a calm voice. He silently understood.

After that, I withdrew to my old bedroom. I've barely eaten since I've come home, but I can't be bothered to eat; I haven't got the time. I've been spending most of my time reading articles in the papers and watching the news on the television, trying to find answers to impossible questions. I've made more than a handful of calls to several people and so far they've gotten me nowhere closer to finding Squall.

"Rinoa?" my father's voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. I pulled myself away from my journal and tucked in back into an old box and back under my bed. Slowly, I stood up and made my way to the door and cautiously opened it because I knew he was leaning against it. Quickly, he jolted away from the door and turned to face me. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"I'll be fine," I lied. "I just have a lot on my mind, and I have a lot to do." I leaned against the doorway and looked away from him, examining the hallway. Even though I lived here, it all seemed so unfamiliar. The oil paintings that line the hall are mysteries to me, and I vaguely remember the green wallpaper and dull pink curtains; what a combination.

He nodded his head and turned the other way holding his hands behind his back and looking up at one of the many oil paintings. "I worry about you. Please take care, whatever you decide to do," his voice was quiet and precise. He took a deep breath in and let it out with a sigh as he began his return to his office. I just stood there, leaning against the doorway, still examining the unfamiliar hallway. Where am I to begin? Who shall I visit first and who will have the answers I am looking for?

Suddenly my head began to throb; it feels as though someone is inside my head, slowly clawing at my skull to get out. It isn't as bad as my previous headaches though, which have been recurring a lot lately. I suppose it's from all of the stress that The War has left me with. I'm sure that the headaches will stop someday soon. At least, I hope they do.

I returned to my bedroom and took out my journal again, and found a pen to write with.

Today is the day I will make my departure from the comfort of my home in Deling City. I've already wasted too much time by sitting around doing nothing but drowning in my sorrow. I have gathered as much information as I can from the news and through a few phone calls to friends, but now it is time to really confront people about this whole issue. I worry that I will never find Squall again, but somewhere in my heart, I believe he is still out there.

I've decided that I will begin in Balamb, where Squall spent a good ten years or so of his life. I know Cid may have some useful information, and maybe even Seifer; after all, he was a knight to Edea and Adel. He must have some sort of information on the Sorceresses and their powers. Of course, no one but Edea could really tell me the full extent of a Sorceress's power, although she didn't have such radical powers as Ultimecia did.

I seem to be rambling now. I must pack some things and get ready to return to Balamb again. I'll tell father in a moment; I'm sure he will understand. After all, he just told me I need to get some fresh air. My head is pounding; I hope it goes away soon. I'll try to make sure I write in here as much as possible so I don't forget a thing. I can't help but be paranoid; I'm carrying one of the most powerful Guardian Forces ever: Griever.

I never did get the chance to return him to Squall…

After reading the entry once over, I closed my journal and placed it carefully on my bed. I held the rings on my necklace and memories suddenly flooded my mind. It was slightly unsettling when I remembered how it felt being lost in space, without Squall by my side. He had found me though, and he somehow saved my life. Now it is my turn to return the favor. I have to find him.

There is only one thing I have to do before I lleave and that is to make one final phone call. I sat on my bed and stared at the phone for a few minutes before I picked it up. My fingers automatically dialed the numbers; I didn't even have to think about it; I had dialed this number about a million times.

"May I help you?" a woman's voice crackled through the phone.

"I'd like to speak to Kiros Seagill, please," the woman recognized my voice immediately and put me through to his line. There was a pause before he spoke in to the phone.

"Hello Rinoa," he greeted in a calm voice. "I know what you've called for. Unfortunately, he seems to be a wreck at the moment and I doubt he has the strength to leave Esthar for the time being." I could tell he was saddened by this; who wouldn't be? Laguna Loire, although slightly clumsy and shy at times, is a strong man dedicated to his city and its people. Not only that, but he is dedicated to making the world a better place; he is a peacekeeper. His breakdown no doubt would throw the whole city of Esthar off its rails.

"If that is how it is going to be," I began to speak slowly, thinking of a plan, "then I will just have to come to Esthar myself to speak with him." Kiros paused again before replying.

"That may not be the best idea," he pointed out. "I know Laguna has been a wreck lately, and it's all understandable, but he needs this time to himself to recover from this whole thing. It's been weeks since The War ended, but slowly, Laguna is pulling himself together. I'm sure that he will be feeling better in the next week or so. Right now he seems very fragile and likely to break if he becomes too overwhelmed. I'm sorry Rinoa, but we have to think of everyone else's emotions right now. We can only imagine what would happen if Laguna was unable to handle his job as the president of the largest city on the planet."

Kiros has a very good point. Laguna is an emotional wreck at the moment, and I'm sure that I wouldn't make it any better by poking and prodding him with questions, especially when they're directed at his son. I know Laguna is Squall's father; it's quite obvious now.

"Thank you Kiros," I spoke into the phone. "I shall be contacting you again soon. I'll be leaving Deling City today, so you won't be able to reach me at my house anymore. I'm not entirely sure where I'm headed, but I will be sure to stay in contact." I hung up the phone and sighed. Laguna is really the only person I want to talk to but he's a complete wreck at the moment and I'm going to have to wait another week or so to confront him.

I grabbed my journal and took one last look around my room; it was almost completely empty except for the bed, a desk, and a shelf full of books. Outside the window, I could see the afternoon sun peaking around a couple of the buildings. The weather looks beautiful; it seems to be the perfect day to depart. I left the room and closed the door behind me. Swiftly, I walked down the hall towards my father's office where I knew he'd be lost in paperwork.

"I'm leaving," I said bluntly. He was startled at my sudden presence in the room and stared up at me with a blank expression. After a moment's hesitation, he put his papers down and leaned back in his chair. A small grin swept across his face, but I knew he was worried about me.

"Where…" he began to speak slowly.

"I'm going to find some answers," I interrupted before he could ask. I didn't want this to turn into some uncomfortable departure. "I'll see you around." I turned away and headed towards the door. He didn't say anything until I had my hand on the doorknob.

"Be careful, Rinoa," he said. I silently answered him with a nod. I opened the door and closed it slowly behind me. I walked slowly down the hall rubbing my temples in an effort to help suppress my headache. I opened the front door and stepped outside for the first time in a week. The sunlight burned my eyes momentarily, but they adjusted themselves after I rubbed the pain out of them. There was a slight breeze that carried the scent of roses. I looked up to the sky and took a deep breath. This is where my journey begins; I will find Squall one way or another.