A/N: Graphic scenes to follow that include violence and sexual assault. Please be warned and aware of your triggers if you choose to proceed.
Chapter 9: My Guardian Demon
Elaine
Each day that passed by was marked by some kind of milestone: the first time I could see through both eyes. The bruises on my neck faded away. The moment the bandages were removed from my legs and back. And when I could stand up from the bed and walk to the kitchenette without any help.
As my independence grew, so did my thoughts of where I would go once this was all over. On one hand, the endless possibilities were exciting to think about, all of the potential places in the galaxy I could go and who I could be. But at the same time, I was terrified.
"Have you thought about where you will go?" he had asked me one night while I slurped up noodles. I noticed that he never ate, drank, or slept around me, most likely because he refused to remove his helmet in my presence, which bothered me. He knew so much about me and saw me in my lowest state while I had barely scratched his surface.
I shook my head as noodles slid into my mouth. "I don't really know what's out there," I confessed. All I knew was Coruscant, and I was certain I would not be going back there anytime soon.
"Whenever the time comes, I will arrange for a shuttle and escort to take you anywhere you want to go," he formally declared.
I bit my tongue in between bites of food. Freedom was right in front of me, within reach. The one thing I resolved to never have was now mine for the taking. So why did I feel hesitation at the thought of leaving? I couldn't live on this ship— though I trusted my protector to keep him away, it was only a matter of time before Hux ran into me again. The thought uncomfortably squirmed in my stomach like an enraged eel. But would I be able to live on my own, without him to guide and defend me?
As I finished my meal he stood up from the leather chair and offered to take the bowl from me. He and I both knew I could do it myself, but I let him do it anyway.
"Thank you," I grinned softly as his name lingered on the tip of my tongue.
Kylo Ren, I repeated in my head. His name mystified me, yet I couldn't bring myself to call him that out loud.
He nodded his standard silent recognition and turned away.
I begrudgingly allowed my monster to continue to nurse me, though I didn't require help anymore. He seemed to feel gratification from treating me, and I didn't want to take that away from him just yet.
The clothes he brought me quickly replaced the medical gown and became my only possessions. They were nothing fancy, but it felt good to have my body covered in something other than bed sheets. I almost cried the first time that I looked at myself in the mirror; the long-sleeve black shirt and the tight black pants hugged onto my body and— thankfully— hid my scars and tattoos. The boots were comfortable, functional, and blended in with the dark outfit. For the first time in a while, I felt like a human again, not livestock, not property, but Elaine.
From time to time, his monstrous side reared its ugly head, driving the fear and hesitation front and center in my mind again. Once, a soldier had come to his door, bringing news of the droid I had heard fragments about. He became infuriated in an instant and I realized I had coiled into myself, afraid that he was going to snap the neck of the poor messenger.
"Where is Hux?" he seethed.
I sat quietly in the back of the room, averting my eyes from his tantrum. I did my best to be respectful and not listen to his conversations, but it was the only entertainment I got around here.
The soldier shook in his boots. "General Hux is in a consultation with the Supreme Leader, discussing the matter, sir."
My monster growled, his mechanical snarl ripping through the chambers and hallway.
Please never let me be on his receiving end, I silently prayed while he continued to belittle the soldier.
As days dragged on, I began to worry that I overstayed my welcome. Each morning that I woke from his bed he would be wide awake and awaiting me to begin his day. How much longer would he be willing to sleep on a damn couch before he sent me away? I never dared to ask him about it, but I felt like a squatter as he continued to operate around me. Each time I concerned myself over it the same sickening sadness would bubble in my stomach and force me to put it off even longer.
"I've been thinking," I swallowed hard one morning after finishing my breakfast. "About where I should go."
Caught off guard, his frame became rigid as he turned to listen.
"I think I should go back to Coruscant," I announced and locked my gaze on my hands that twisted in my lap.
The bewilderment dripped from his voice. "Why would you ever return to that retched—"
"I could work up some credits," I explained, thinking it through as I said it out loud. "Once I have enough, I could go to one of the transport stations."
"And how do you intend to work up those credits?" he pressured with a slight scoff in his tone. "I thought you were better than that."
Humiliated, my jaw dropped as my eyes met his helmet. He had never said anything like that to me before. "How dare you—" I struggled to find words as the heat rose in my cheeks. "You think that little of me? You assume like every other bastard I've met that my only profession is to be a common whore!?" My throat clenched tightly, threatening tears to form.
He reeled from my outburst, his fists clenched at his sides as he advanced upon me.
"I know exactly what you are capable of, what you could become if you aspired—"
His comlink beeped from within the pockets of his robes, the two of us frozen in our standoff.
"What is it!?" he growled into the device.
"Uh, Commander?" the timid voice responded. "Supreme Leader Snoke would like a word with you."
For a moment, I thought he would crush the tiny device in his hand as he fumed from our eruption.
"I will be there momentarily."
He eyed me as he turned to leave, his boots thudding sharply against the floor as he made his way to the doors.
"You don't know anything about me," I bitterly uttered under my breath as he left. Naturally, he heard this and paused in the hallway before they closed.
I wanted to throw something at him, knock that stupid helmet off his head and see who he truly was under there, who had the audacity to assume I would do such things with my new freedoms.
You'll never escape this life, I criticized. No matter how he cleans you up, you'll only ever be someone's property, told what to do and who to be.
My upper lip curled as I plunged my face into his pillow and screamed. Maybe I was foolish to believe I could be anything different. Or perhaps I was wrong about him.
I was pacing the room when he returned some time after. I didn't need to see his face; I could tell that he was infuriated with something that the Supreme Leader said to him.
The automatic doors hadn't even completely opened when he stormed through them. His breathing was loud and erratic as his chest heaved.
"What is it?" I boldly asked.
His helmet snapped in my direction to glare at me. "This is all your fault," he growled.
I blinked, petrified. "W- what?"
This was a new side of him I hadn't seen before and it terrified me. "Everything I've worked for, everything I've done to find the map to Skywalker, gone!" his hands desperately searched for something to grab onto. My neck tightened in fear that his grasp would find it. "I was a fool to trust Hux and his men to do what I should have done from the beginning."
His hulking figure quickly descended upon me, trapping me against the wall as I timidly stared into the visor. "Ever since you came here— everything's gone wrong," his breathing cut into his phrases as he fumbled with his words. "And now Hux has convinced the Supreme Leader that I'm distracted from my mission, from my loyalty to the First Order, because of you!" he roared.
All of my internal fears that I had carelessly put off in my mind came true as he slammed his fist into the wall, inches from my shoulder. When he withdrew his arm, his ragged breath huffed from his helmet as the tense air hung thick between us.
I was frozen in fear against the wall, only able to concoct words in my mind but not into my mouth. You couldn't do anything when you were with Hux, I thought. But you help yourself now.
"I'm sorry that I've been such a disruption," I murmured and gathered my courage. "I'll make it easier for you, then," I swallowed hard and slipped past him, my legs pounding for the doors as I anticipated his force-hold on me. To my surprise, he never stopped me. With ease, I rushed through the doors and into the hallway and never once stopped to look back at the monster.
I had no idea where I was going or where I was on the ship. I knew that I needed to find the hangar, catch a ride, and get off this forsaken prison as fast as I could. In my haste, I noticed that my boots made a distinctly different noise than my bare feet against the floor.
That bastard, I grumbled as my pulse maintained its thudding throughout my body. I never asked for his help. I never wanted to be here in the first place. I want to go— I wanted to say 'home,' but where was that exactly?
The hallways were much easier to navigate now that I was not so focused on hiding my nakedness or keeping my eyes low to the ground. Occasionally I hit a dead-end or almost bumped into a few troopers, but I refused to let it deter me. I followed sounds through the corridors, retaining my brisk pace until I found the familiar sights and bustle of the hangar.
Even clothed, I was sure that I stood out amongst the troopers, droids, and uniformed officers. I acted as if I was meant to be there and casually glanced around at the different ships and their crews in an attempt to find one that looked like it was possibly going somewhere— anywhere.
My eyes settled on a shuttle that looked just like the one I arrived on as I made my way across the bay. No one seemed to notice as I climbed up the ramp and into the cargo hold. There were a few metal crates and machinery spewed about in the cabin as I searched for a place to hide within the load. If I hadn't been so focused on getting out of there, maybe I would have heard them approach me.
Hands wrapped around my mouth from behind as another arm snaked around my midsection to pin my arms at my sides. I screamed to no avail, as the leather hand muffled the noise.
"Well, well," a voice purred. "Look who came to visit."
I tried to kick and elbow my attacker as Declan walked into my view. "I wondered what happened to you, little girl," his arms were folded triumphantly over his chest as Rowan held me tighter against him. "To be honest we all assumed Ren took you for himself," his sick chuckle made me want to vomit.
"What, even his puny cock was too much for you?" Declan smirked as I bit hard on the hand around my mouth. Rowan exclaimed and released me, allowing me enough time to dash toward the ramp. But something caught my hair, and I was quickly dragged and draped over a nearby crate, yelping and howling as my limbs fumbled under me. It was all too familiar.
"Oh, you little bitch," Declan snarled. He pressed his lower half against mine and pinned me against the metal container. He leaned over me, drove his elbow into my back, and brushed his fingers against my cheek. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?" he ripped his glove off and stuffed it into my mouth. I clamped my teeth around it as I gagged, the traumatic taste of soap dispersed across my tongue.
Tears stung in my eyes now as my fingers clawed at the crate, trying to push against it, but I couldn't muster the strength under his weight.
"It's such a shame that he covered you up," he tugged on my clothes. "I liked it so much more when I could see every...damn...inch of you."
The tears fell down my cheeks while a muffled cry ripped through the makeshift gag. "Mm, let's see that little cunt that everyone is fighting over," he grunted. The air hit my bare skin as he pulled my pants down, vicious trembles overwhelming my body as I sobbed.
Just survive, I repeated as his belt buckle rattle behind me.
I clamped my eyes shut as his hand wrapped around the back of my neck. In a last-ditch effort, I tried to squeeze my quivering thighs together. With ease, he shoved his feet against the insides of my boots and forced them apart. My insides squirmed and writhed as I lay there, bent over and exposed, pleading for it to be over.
Please, Pheme, I wept. Not like this.
"Shh, shh," he whispered and caressed my bare ass with his ungloved hand. My stomach churned in disgust from his touch. "Don't you worry, little girl, it'll feel so much better than those two pompous—"
Everything happened so fast that I was barely able to render the events. First, it all came to a stop when a powerful humming noise emanated from the loading ramp. Then, footsteps quickly stormed through the cargo hold until they were behind me. I didn't move a muscle and kept my eyes tightly closed while my fingers gripped the edge of the crate.
A loud, sharp outcry pierced the air before the humming noise soared above my head. I flinched in surprise as warm liquid splattered up my backside. Declan's looming presence behind me vanished in an instant with a sickly thud. There was a scuffle of feet somewhere in the shuttle as Rowan shouted, "No! No!" There was another cry before a second dull thump onto the floor.
I was paralyzed even while the humming noise stopped. A pair of hands were on me as my pants were drawn back up around my waist. The glove was yanked from my mouth and my lungs gasped for air, free of the blockage.
"Keep your eyes closed," his modified voice commanded. My eyelids fluttered at the instruction, permanently shut.
He lifted me from over the crate, carefully helping me to a standing position. He noticed my trembling limbs and lifted me into his arms. I wrapped my hands around his neck and pressed my cheek against his chest. His scent washed over me and immediately calmed my senses as he carried me from the shuttle.
Though I knew it was safe to open my eyes once I heard the thuds of his boots on the polished floors in the hallways, I didn't want to.
I wondered what happened to you, little girl, Declan's voice repeated in my head. I wanted to puke, to expel everything that he said from my body, to reject the feeling of his hand against my ass. My gut clenched as I held it down, the acidity tingling in the back of my throat.
Even when the familiar sound of the automated doors opened and shut with a hiss, I couldn't bring myself to look around. I was ashamed, mortified, and most of all disturbed at what took place in the hanger.
I expected to feel the bed underneath me as we crossed the room. Instead, he delicately lowered my legs until I stood in front of him.
"Open your eyes," he instructed while he pulled my shirt over my head.
My eyelids wavered, blinking as I adjusted to the light. He noiselessly bent down and undid the laces on my boots. Though my eyes were open, I was in a vacant trance, unable to discern details or my surroundings.
"Hold onto me," he held out his arms as he had when we practiced walking. I took his forearm in my hand and peeled the pants off of one leg at a time with trembling fingers.
He lifted me again and set me down in the tub, the cool porcelain pressed against my hot, clammy skin. He turned the faucet on and warm water pooled around my body.
My vacant eyes glazed over as I sat still with my arms wrapped around my legs. I finally became the empty shell I so desperately wanted. I didn't feel like a human anymore but rather an object: one that was helpless, insignificant, and lacking any amount of dignity. The warmth of the bathwater soothed my skin, but I was too speechless to respond.
I couldn't even get off the damn ship without being attacked and completely incapable of defending myself.
I was so caught up in my head that I didn't notice his figure rise from the floor. Muffled, in the background of my perception, there was a mechanical hiss and a heavy thud as he set something onto the counter. When the water rose to my shins he shut the water off and stooped beside me again.
"Did he...hurt you?" his voice sounded different this time. Clearer, not mechanized or altered as it usually did.
My lower lip trembled and I shook my head, my unwavering gazed locked in a forward position.
He reached his cupped hand into the water behind me and poured it down my back, the warmth sending goosebumps over my exposed skin. He did it again and again, letting the water flow down my spine and over my shoulder blades.
"Are you alright?" he asked, his voice the only noise that broke the deafening silence in my head.
For a moment I thought I would break my daze and cry, let my sobs overtake my body, and crumble into a heap in the tub. Instead, I simply shook my head as before.
"Elaine," his sharp voice pierced my subconscious like a comet breaking through an atmosphere.
I coaxed my head to turn and look at him. My heart almost stopped at the sight: his helmet was propped up by the sink and his striking, brown eyes were fixated on me. Dark, black hair framed his face and his eyebrows were furrowed into a concerned expression. He was not at all what I expected and much more human than I pictured in my mind.
The grip on my emotions that I clung to crumbled into a million pieces. My chest heaved and my eyes flooded with tears as I let it all go: the guilt, shame, embarrassment, all of it. I rocked back and forth, clutching my legs for dear life as he let me cry. He brought his hand up from my back and placed it gently on the top of my head, stroking it gently. I couldn't see it clearly, but for just a moment I thought he might have been close to tears too.
When the water turned cold and my tears subsided, he helped me out of the tub and wrapped a towel around my shoulders. He disappeared for a moment before returning with a spare shirt in his hands. I held my arms up as he pulled it over me, his eyes never leaving mine. The fact that it swallowed me whole and submerged me in his scent indicated it was one of his.
Once again, he scooped me into his arms and carried me to my usual spot in his bed. I let go of his neck and he pulled the cool, crisp sheets over my legs. The worry in his eyes diminished as he stood from the bedside, content now that I was in his care once again. I reached out and took hold of his wrist before he could walk away.
"Kylo," I faintly whispered, the sweet sound lingering on my lips. He whipped his head around, checking to see if he heard right. "Don't leave me."
He stared for a moment, reading my earnest request in my eyes before he nodded. I let go of his arm and he walked around to the other side of the bed. While he traveled, he removed his belt and robes, draping them on top of the dresser as he passed. I rolled onto my other side and watched in awe while he kicked off his boots. He kept his black undershirt and leather pants on before he lifted the sheets enough to slide in beside me.
"Come here," he murmured and motioned to the open space beside him. I complied and shifted across the mattress to nestle in the crook of his shoulder. I had never been this close to him. As I rested my face against his chest, I could hear his steady heartbeat and relaxed in the warmth that emanated from his body. His hand wrapped around my back and rubbed it tenderly, back and forth in a soft, smooth rhythm. A calmness started at my toes and began to slowly spread through me. All of the misery and pain that previously resided deep inside my chest suddenly melted away, allowing me to breathe as if it was the first time.
"Laina," I breathed in a low voice as my fingers rested on his sternum. He tilted his head to look at me now that I finally spoke. "Call me Laina."
