A/N: If you did not see my previous announcement on my profile this week, please read. I have begun studying for my upcoming GRE exam, and with such, I have to dedicate some of my usual writing time to my studies. It pains me to do so but I have to push out my normal publication schedule to every other week to maintain the quality of the chapters being published. Thank you to everyone who has read any of my stories thus far and I hope you continue to follow for more.

Chapter 11: The Monster and the Mistress

Elaine


It wasn't until I had my independence back that I realized how much I despised his room.

Maybe it was the fact that it was the same blueprint as Hux's chambers, or that there wasn't a window for me to gaze out of while I waited impatiently for him to return. Either way, I felt restricted.

The officer that walked me back was nice enough, didn't speak a word the entire time. To me, not saying anything had become one of the nicest things you could do for someone.

Once he was satisfied that he had followed 'Commander Ren's' explicit instructions, he politely acknowledged me and disappeared down the hallway. If I didn't know any different, I would think they're all are droids in skins, I ridiculed.

I hesitated before going back inside his room. When I finally forced my feet forward into the living quarters, my entire body began to tense. Everywhere I looked there were horrible memories of pain, grief— well, I supposed not all of them were bad. When my eyes fell over the bed, something in my chest fluttered. It was as if I could still feel his arm wrapped around my back, his steady breathing underneath my fingertips, his warmth under my cheek.

I wasn't sure when I woke up this morning in his bed, but after the day we spent together, I was quite sure now. Maybe I was looking for compassion and companionship in the wrong places, or perhaps it was a fantasy I had concocted in my feeble, confused head. Either way, I was almost certain there was a part of me that loved him.

My brain struggled to rationalize this feeling while balancing my normal functions. It couldn't understand what about him had turned me into such a mess. The more I thought about it, the more I understood it was completely insane. I'd known him for maybe a week, at most, he had murdered three people since our first encounter, and he was a commander in the most hostile military since the Galactic Empire. Not exactly prime fundamentals for a healthy relationship.

What in the name of all sanity is wrong with you!? My subconscious screamed at me. Do you even realize who he is!? The things he's surely done!?

At the gruesome thought, my insides twisted and churned. My heart squeezed tightly in my chest to deflect the dread, There's more to him than that

Is there? He's killed, what, three men since he seized you?! My mind rebutted.

I rolled my eyes. Two of which were rapist bastards and he doesn't own me—

Prove it, my brain fired back, challenging my resolve. Do you really think you could freely leave without reprimand? He's just like all the others.

My instincts chimed in now as my gut swirled. I groaned audibly, folding my arms over my chest. "Enough!" I grumbled. I'm positive if someone had watched they would have thought I was insane.

As I contemplated, my pulse quickened and my palms grew sweaty. See, you're nervous because you know what he'd do, my mind mocked.

I desperately wished I could force the doubt out of my body, expel it from my mind so that I could give myself over to him. He wants me to be here with him, I just know it, I chewed a large portion of my lower lip. But I have to know.

I was either going to be extremely satisfied or terrifyingly regretful. Nerves shook through my body as I strolled into the hallway.

You are dumber than I thought, my subconscious taunted. I hope you like the taste of disappointment.


It didn't matter where I was going as long as I could remember how to get back. I recognized more than I anticipated as I wandered through the same halls from this morning. I remembered the corridor that led to the hangar, identified the path that would take me to the cafeteria, and the elevators that would take me down to the armory.

As I passed a variety of droids and soldiers I thought back to how he carried himself around them. Playing the part, I tilted my head up slightly and ensured I walked with a sense of confidence as if I belonged there. This isn't you, my nerves ran cold. Someone's going to know.

Determined to see my asinine plan through, I clenched my clammy fists and carried on. When I reached a corridor I didn't quite recognize, I realized I might have gone too far. I glanced around for any familiarity, any signage to point me in a different direction.

The echoes of laughter sent goosebumps up my neck just as I turned around to go back. It was a woman's laugh, light and refined as it drifted through the air. I stiffened as I heard the clicking of polished shoes on the floor. But even if I tried to run, it wouldn't have mattered. Hux rounded the corner, his arms tucked behind his back with a wide smile plastered across his face as he called over his shoulder.

"I look forward to it as well!" If his face wasn't pale enough already, it definitely got worse when he laid eyes on me. "Well, well," his grin lingered, but his eyes shifted as if they grew dark. "Isn't this a splendid surprise?"

My lower half refused to budge, completely startled. Of all the places on this wretched ship I could be, of course, I would find myself in the same room as him. The color and warmth abandoned my cheeks as he neared me, his recognizable scent causing my stomach to lurch.

"Interesting," he noted and reached out his hand to stroke my cheek. I flinched under his touch and avoided his eyes. "Ren lets his pet out to play, hm?"

I refused to answer him. If I dared to speak, I might have said something that I would immediately regret.

"Or," he proposed, his voice rising in tone. "Is the little pet disobeying orders? We both know you're quite good at that, aren't you?" He twirled a piece of my loose hair around his finger. "Perhaps, I could assist the commander," he wondered aloud. "I could show him a thing or two on how to properly punish a disobedient, disrespectful—"

I don't know where it came from or how I was capable of it, but my hand smacked his away, my upper lip twitching. "Don't touch me," I seethed under my breath.

He was stunned that I would be so bold. Frankly, I was too. But the pride in my defense was quickly replaced by terror as he reached out for my throat. "You little fucking whore—" before his hand could clasp around my neck he halted with his arm outstretched, his limbs and mouth twitching slightly.

"General," the modified voice resounded from the direction that Hux had come. My body relaxed, even if just slightly, as my protector gradually lumbered up behind Hux. "I believe I made myself explicitly clear to you," he growled.

Hux choked and gagged in the force hold, his eyelids twitching as he stared back into the helmet. "I- I- I- sh- she-"

"You were instructed to not speak, approach, or look at her without her consent or my permission, or else—" he reached into his robes and revealed what looked like a handle. With a flick of his wrist, the handle exploded, and a blade made of bright, red fire shot from it. I jumped back as the intense hum of the sword evoked the noise from the cargo hold.

"R- Ren! N- n- no!" Hux wailed, struggling to breathe.

He brought the fire blade close to Hux's back, threatening to strike. "Didn't I make myself absolutely clear, general?"He snarled, slowly and menacingly.

"Y- y- yes! P- Please Ren!" his face matched the color of his hair by the time he was released. He crumbled to the floor on his knees as the fire sword disappeared back into the hilt.

"I urge you to make smarter decisions from this point on, general," he remarked while sheathing his weapon. "In the future, I may not be as forgiving."

I didn't dare speak or react in any way. His attention shifted over to me, his expressionless mask causing a sense of dread to rise in my stomach.

His gloved hand snatched me by the arm as he led me down the hall, my legs struggling to keep up with his long, heavy pace. My feet clamored beneath while he dragged me alongside him, refusing to acknowledge me in any way.

I hope you're happy, my mind mocked.

Questions rolled around in my head as we charged down the hallways in silence. What kind of sword was that? Why did the way he said, 'my permission,' both bother and endear me? On one hand, just as he said he would, he intervened right when I needed him— but the fact that I needed him to save me was irritating. My mind was a chaotic blend of appreciation, conflict, and confusion.

It felt like years until we were back to his quarters again, where he shoved me ahead of him through the opening doors.

"Would you care to explain your reason for deliberately disobeying me?" he demanded.

"Disobeying you?" I repeated, catching my breath. "Since when do you tell me what to do?"

I couldn't see it but I was positive he narrowed his eyes. "What were you trying to do?"

"I'm trying to figure out who you are, why I'm here, what you want from me!" I ranted. "If I'm free as you say I am, why can't I go wherever I want?"

"Because you'll get hurt," he returned. His temper was starting to show even through his disguise. "I can't leave you alone for five minutes without—" he stopped himself abruptly when he realized where he was headed.

Fury boiled in my cheeks. "Say it," I egged him on. Being raped? I finished for him in my head.

He swiftly redirected. "There are people on this ship who would care less about what happens to you," he explained in a grave tone. "Hell, there are people who would pay to see you defiled and mutilated."

I winced at his words, tears stinging my eyes.

"I have to protect you from them," he explained. "You have to let me protect you—"

"Why?" I interrupted. "Why do you give a shit about me?" He froze at this, staring into my eyes. "Why didn't you just give me back to Hux or just let me die!?"

"BECAUSE I'M NOT A MONSTER!"

His words echoed off the walls around me, long after he fell quiet. He no longer looked at me. Instead, his helmet turned away in defeat, avoiding my gaze as if he was ashamed.

Gravity shifted around us. All the questions I had been asking myself about me, about him, vanished with newfound clarity. He and I were the same; two people who were on a path not chosen for themselves, forced to become the reflection of what other people saw. A monster and a mistress lost and alone in the galaxy.

All of the fear abandoned my body as I gingerly stepped closer to him. He didn't move as I reached out to touch the side of his helmet with my fingertips. Sensing my request, he brought his hands to either side and with a metal hiss, the helmet expanded and released its grip.

He lifted it from his shoulders as strands of black hair settled around the sides of his face, free of its confinement. His solemn, brown eyes evaded me while I took the helmet from him and set it down with a dense thud. We stood in silence, nothing but his strained breaths making any sound. When he still refused to look at me, my hand reached out to his worn face. My fingertips brushed his jaw before resting gently on his cheek. I watched, captivated, as his eyelids blinked at my touch.

He resisted at first, feeling his jaw clench under my fingers. But after a brief hesitation, his eyes met mine and I got a full glimpse into the man who had dedicated himself to my safety and wellbeing.

"I can't," his words cut through my chest like shrapnel.

"Oh," I drew my hand back, embarrassed by my presumptions.

"Laina," he sighed and engulfed my hand between his while the words stumbled in his throat. "I can't, I—"

What words had come out of his mouth wreaked havoc on my confidence. "I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot—" I backed away from him to began my retreat.

"Laina—" he grabbed my wrist, his eyes pleading for patience. His upper lip slightly twitched as he grew frustrated with his inability to articulate. "I- I'm afraid." The word seemed to cause him pain as he expelled it from his mouth.

I took a large section of my inner lip between my teeth as I allowed him to finish. His hand grasped mine while he studied the size difference between them. "I'm so afraid of what you've done to me. I can't think straight, can't stop worrying about you," his gaze shifted from my hand and to my eyes. "I am afraid of what I would do if I were to lose you."

This time, it wasn't fear that filled my eyes with tears, but the collapse of my chest from relief and realization that he felt it too. When words couldn't find their way out of my mouth, I nodded that I understood. I don't want to go anywhere, not without you, I wordlessly responded.

As if he heard my thoughts, his eyes lit up with relief and resolve. His hand wrapped around my waist to draw me close. I gasped audibly and before I could discern what was happening, a hand cupped my jaw to guide my parted lips upon his.

Time and life as I knew it screeched to a halt when his lips captured mine. Even my pulse slowed to a dangerously low pace. His calloused fingers placed firmly against my jaw so that I couldn't prematurely disengage— not that I would have, anyway. His kiss sucked every ounce of air from my lungs, my mind shattering into a million pieces like stars in the sky.

When he released me, I engulfed extra air into my lungs to make up for all that time I hadn't breathed. For a fleeting moment, I saw a glimmer of a smile on his lips as he watched me recuperate, the all-too-familiar stars nearly dotting my vision.

As he thought more, his faint smile disappeared just as quickly as it emerged. "Laina," he murmured. "I must apologize to you."

My eyebrows furrowed as I gazed up at him. "But—"

"Not for what I have done, though I'm not sure I will ever be able to make it up to you—" he cringed slightly, undoubtedly thinking of Silas. "No, Laina, I must apologize for what I will inevitably do."

I blinked as his words only added to my confusion.

"Laina, I'm compulsive, possessive, and fiercely, unexplainably infatuated with you," he shook his head. "I'm not easy to be around. I will disappoint you, I will frighten you, I will hurt you," he struggled to breathe evenly.

I shook my head. "Haven't you seen the world I've come from? You've been in my mind. You saw what Hux did to me." I have lived through horrors that some would only ever dream about. "Kylo, you could never hurt me enough to make me want to go anywhere that wasn't with you."

He was as stubborn, if not more than I was. I wasn't convinced for a second that he believed me but it didn't really matter. Perhaps he felt the same as he nodded, his lips pressed into a line. His arms wrapped tightly around me as if I was the only thing holding him down. I pressed my cheek into his chest and breathed him in, feeling a strong sense of comfort and affection wash over me. It was the safest I had ever felt in my entire life.


The mood in his chambers had drastically evolved after our kiss. Our eyes lingered on each other just a bit longer than they had before. From time to time, our hands would graze against the other's and would spark, like static, at the touch of their skin. The feeling was addictive; once I began to give in to it I couldn't stop as I began to crave more and more. But something about it felt dangerous, yet compelling.

Growing up, I resolved to my reality that I would never be allowed to love. As property destined to be sold, you could not choose the man you belonged to, what household you lived in, or who would inescapably fuck you regardless of if you fancied them or not. I abolished all hopes and dreams of marriage to a man that I admired or making love to someone who valued me— for more than what I was sold for. But for the first time in my life, I was permitted to let myself think about those things again.

Though, there were still plenty of unknowns. Would I, a slave whore, ever be allowed to be seen with him in public? Would the First Order accept me as a part of his life? What would that make me, if I became his wife? Did he want a family? I didn't know if he, or even I for that matter, was ready to have those conversations yet. But it didn't lessen the powerful, mesmerizing pull I felt towards him.

I had to remind myself to maintain self-control as the impulses buzzed in my mind as the floodgates busted open. But that would be the same as giving a youngling custard for supper and expecting them to eat it slowly. As we readied for bed that night I found myself staring at his figure in the bathroom, his back turned to me as I lingered in the doorway. His shirt had been discarded on the floor beside him, his black lounge pants hanging off his hips. His shoulder blades cast shadows on his lower back, the broad trench of his spine running up the center.

It took all of my restraint as I chewed my lower lip to not give in to the thoughts and urges that whittled away at my discipline. Instead, I thought I would test the waters to see how far he would let me go.

Quietly, I tiptoed behind him until I was inches away. I tenderly wrapped my arms around his front while I pressed my cheek under one of his shoulder blades. He wasn't surprised that I was there, of course, he heard me a mile away, though his body unmistakably relaxed within my reverse embrace.

So good so far, I encouraged. I heard his breathing and heartbeat in conjunction while hugged against his back, the steady rhythm entreating me. I turned my cheek so that my lips pressed delicately against his skin. I heard the sigh emanate from his chest while I inched up his back, placing kisses on his warm skin every so often.

"You don't want to do that," he warned to the mirror.

Oh, but what if I do? I challenged internally. Rebellious, I chose to ignore him and kissed my way to the middle of his spine.

"Laina," he sighed again and shook his head. "You're not ready for that."

I backed away, my eyebrows furrowed as I took the insult to heart. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He had a smirk wiped on his face when he turned around to face me, leaning back against the sink. "I'm saying, it's not the time."

I pouted, maybe not visibly, but mentally I was disappointed. He sensed this and seized me, dragging me back against his chest. "I know this is difficult for you," a smirk grew on his lips. "But, for once, will you trust me?"

I rolled my eyes at his teasing. He brushed strands of loose hair out of my face and tucked them behind my ear, his fingers rousing butterflies in my stomach. "Trust me, Laina," he reiterated before placing a kiss on my forehead.

His bed was much more comfortable with him in it. But that could also have been interpreted as him being more comfortable than the mattress. Once again, his massive arm wrapped around my shoulders as I placed my head on his chest, snuggling close. I could smell lingering hints of leather from his robes on his skin, the deep, husky scent lulling me towards sleep. Combined with his steady pulse under my ear, I didn't stand a chance. With a soft chuckle, he draped the covers over us and relaxed into the pillows.

Late in the night, my eyes fluttered open when I felt a cold chill run over my back where his arm had been. I had nestled into a pillow, my leg hitched comfortably as my body sprawled out.

Kylo? I sleepily ran my fingers through my hair so that I could see better. It was dark, save for the dim safety lights that lined the floors. As my eyes adjusted I made out a figure in the darkness, hunched over on the edge of the bed.

"Hey—" I grumbled weakly, a yawn tugging on my jaw.

His head whipped around in surprise. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

I shook my head. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," he reassured and shifted his weight so that he lay next to me again. "C'mere," I rolled over onto my other side as he embraced me from behind. His large arm wrapped around to hug me as his face nestled in my hair.

"Couldn't sleep?" I prodded into the dark.

"Mm," he mumbled back.

"Bad memories or bad dreams?" I asked, knowingly.

He hesitated. "Bad memories."

"Mm," I nodded. "Those are worse."

He didn't respond to this, instead, he tightened his grip on me.

"Will you tell me what it was?"

Again, he paused. "No."

"Why?"

He snorted softly, as a half-hearted chuckle. "Because."

I rolled my eyes, even when I knew he couldn't see it. "You know, sometimes I wish I could read your mind— it's pretty unfair."

My guilt trip worked on him as he sighed heavily into my hair. "My father."

I didn't dare move or respond as I listened to his voice.

"He's begun to appear in my dreams again."

I reached down around my midsection to grasp his hand, to which he tightly squeezed back.

He must not have dreamed of his father again as he drifted asleep behind me. Meanwhile, I let myself continue to roll through thoughts and questions, the kind that could keep you awake all night if not careful.

He hasn't mentioned anything about his family— who is his father? Is he that Supreme Leader he keeps meeting with? What did he do that torments him this much? But how do I get him to open up to me about it? Dammit, who is he?